What's your dating style and flags??

[Je****]

The beauty of everyone here being massively different is amazing. So many people can take and pass on so many things that maybe others wouldn't. 

 

So I thought it may be fun to share, 

 

 

What do you look for in a person, qualities and attributes?

What makes you swoon for the right person?

What puts you off them?

When on a date or arranging one, what do you hope for?

What flags do you keep an eye out for? 

 

 

For me, while I like a gothic, alternative or metal head kinda person, I love long hair and beards. Bonus if they have dreadlocks.

But looks aside, I look for a good personality. The ability to laugh at one self, and another, while also being genuine, communicative, able to get in touch with their emotions and romance. 

 

What puts me off is ignorance and arrogance. Liars and people who think I am dumb and they can run any old bull past me and think I won't notice. Or someone who just doesn't communicate and be honest. 

Another (as I am exploring poly) is people who say they understand it, and are okay with it, but arent. They at times think they are but soon change their minds and instead of talking about it, they ghost. Another would be if they see polyamory as less than it's meaning, and think it's okay to sleep about, be dishonest and excuse lying cheating behaviour. 

On a first date, or the build up to one, what puts me off... What's an automatic bin off for me.. 

Is a first date cancellation. 

Now obviously if an absolute emergency pops up this cannot be helped and I'll always try to rearrange but at times people cancel first dates and don't mention another. If this happens I usually dismiss them as not interested. 

For me a first date is the first impression. You cancel that, I'll see that as a lack of effort and enthusiasm as I perhaps feel I'm more into it than they. 

I always dress down for a first date. No make up. No fancy clothes. Me. Just as I am. That's who they plan to date, the every day me. So that's what I'll be from the getgo. Then perhaps if it goes well by a third date, that's when my dress up and so on will come through. 

 

Just interested to hear how other people view dating and effort towards this. Plus flags ofcourse. 

It's always good to be aware of stuff we don't first off think of. 

 

Love ,🥰🥰🥰

[typhoon2]

Likes - intelligence, desire to learn, wit, safety-conscious, respect, putting in effort.

Dislikes - no or little effort, reckless, naivity, no desire to learn, ingratitude.

[Ar****]

I look for compatible philosophies and attitudes towards the big issues - politics, aim/goals/hopes, and for openness and integrity. I look for consistency. For somebody who has fire and feist (even if they are "submissive"), creativity, intelligence, somebody who will challenge me and help me grow as much as I hopefully do them. I swoon for compassion, for big hearts, for those who still show kindness even after the world has not been kind to them. The ones who believe in empathy and understanding, who lend their voice to those who have been silenced.

I'm put off by arrogance and judgementalness, by closed minds, by bigotry. By the red flag of over-eagerness, as well as those who don't put an effort to communicate in and expect me to chase them. By poor hygiene and a lack of consideration for others.

On a date I hope for any connection/chemistry previously felt in messages/calls or such to be affirmed. I hope for both of us to have a relaxed and positive experience, and I hope for us either to discover that we definitely wish to explore further dates or to at least connect in such a way that the date can be the beginning of a good friendship instead.

I keep an eye out for assumptions, ignoring boundaries, unrealistic expectations, inconsistency, deceit, anything my instincts tells me is "off", controlling/manipulative behaviour, gaslighting, deflection, projection... but I hopefully do so in a casual way like a software program running in the background rather than having such things at the front of my mind actively distracting me or making me seem suspicious and paranoid 😂

Back at you 🥰🥰

[Mainecpl]

We want a date that’s less casual. The hope is to connect with a potential play partner on a friendship level so that if it progresses into the bedroom things will (hopefully) flow naturally.

[Li****]

CHEMISTRY!! That has to be the main thing for me.....without that it's dead in the water!!

[Do****]

Well if they show up and look nothing like their pics cause they only use those stupid filters I tell them thanks for wasting both of our times. That’s happening more than actually successful dates.

[se****]

1 hour ago, DomAric said:

Well if they show up and look nothing like their pics cause they only use those stupid filters I tell them thanks for wasting both of our times. That’s happening more than actually successful dates.

Alot of them are hoping the other would still be interested. It does happen. Half the men I was in relationships said "You are not my usual type, but there is something about you." I end up saying "You are not making me feel beautiful, ok!".😂

[Pl****]

Look for:

• Intelligence, and attributes that contribute to it, including curiosity, open-mindedness, etc. Green flags are when they're more excited to listen to people who hold different views than to someone they already agree with, and aren't dug into any particular political or religious ideology.
• A decent level of health and fitness. 
• Honesty, emotional stability, Well-rounded interests. 
• Positive attitude in general and towards others, giving people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible, and other anti-toxic behavior. 

Makes me swoon:

• Confidence. 
• Great abs. 
• Particularly high levels of the other things I look for.
• When they aren't afraid to take first steps when making a connection.

Turn-offs:

• Any significant lack of any of the positive attributes I look for. 
• I have very little patience for toxic thoughts and behavior of any kind. Red flags include seeing other people (any other people) in a negative light without clear evidence to that effect, or playing any kind of active role in unnecessary drama with other people. 
• Unless it's occasional enough that it's obviously not a habit, drug use is a turn-off. People that have experimented with drugs to some extent are more likely to exhibit the openness I look for, but once it becomes a regular thing, I've found that the negatives quickly start to outweigh the positives. 

Dating?

I hate dating as it's commonly done. You're doing this forced, atypical activity with someone you don't know that well, and hoping it forges a connection, but that's not a great avenue to really get to know someone. People often only try to show you their best side on a date and hide all their dirty laundry, which just makes it harder to get to know them. The best way to get to know someone is by regularly sharing time with them in a non-romantic/sexual context (usually work or school), but I'm not in school anymore, and you're not supposed to date people at work in most cases.

I think the hardest part is to find something that you both genuinely enjoy doing, and would have fun with even if this wasn't a date. I typically shoot for dinner, followed by some light physical activity (walking, hiking, or something more intense with plenty of breaks).  This activity should allow for maximum conversation, including a low noise level, and some privacy. The real point is to get past the small talk to a deeper level of conversation where you get to truly start to discover the other person and get to a point where you can have a real connection.

[Je****]

3 hours ago, DomAric said:

Well if they show up and look nothing like their pics cause they only use those stupid filters I tell them thanks for wasting both of our times. That’s happening more than actually successful dates.

Sorry to hear this, I for one, personally avoid interaction with people who use filters on their photos, on most or all, i have a few black and white on mine, and I even bare ones, without even make up to show the every day me, and that I am real. I know cutting out profiles that use filters will be a massive drop on success due to how many actually use filters, but for me, I don't tend to look twice at those who do, for fear of fakes and catfishes

[Je****]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

Alot of them are hoping the other would still be interested. It does happen. Half the men I was in relationships said "You are not my usual type, but there is something about you." I end up saying "You are not making me feel beautiful, ok!".😂

I think if you use filters you cannot blame someone for running if you look nothing like said profile due to being heavily altered with filters. 

But yeah, the "youre not usually.." comments suck don't they haha9

[Je****]

1 hour ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

Turn-offs:

• Any significant lack of any of the positive attributes I look for. 
• I have very little patience for toxic thoughts and behavior of any kind. Red flags include seeing other people (any other people) in a negative light without clear evidence to that effect, or playing any kind of active role in unnecessary drama with other people. 
• Unless it's occasional enough that it's obviously not a habit, drug use is a turn-off. People that have experimented with drugs to some extent are more likely to exhibit the openness I look for, but once it becomes a regular thing, I've found that the negatives quickly start to outweigh the positives. 

I was quite interested in this aspect, you say about toxic traits, and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I feel i counteract this. 

Il explain. I don't always give people the benefit of the doubt. This is massively down to my gut instinct and reading the person and situation. There have been many times I have just looked at someone and their profile for instance, and feel so anxious and nauseous, this overwhelming feeling of something being off. 

At times I have tried to give this a look over and see for myself what someone is like, but most times my gut has been correct. And it hasn't always been apparent right away until a massive flag or personality trait finally comes out. 

I am a very good judge of character and I swear by my instincts and gut when I'm perving or vetting new people. 

 

An example of this, I seen a pretty girl. Thought she's nice, so I perved. My gut went mad just looking at her. This made me so uncomfy. So in a group setting I sat back and observed the situation around me. To see what she was like and her mannerisms etc. Upon watching the scene for less than 5 minutes I seen her come off with things that implied she was so far up her own arse, that she felt above others to put down those who did show interest in her. And when challenged, she became passive aggressive, belittling and started a drama scene for no reason, painting the other person who complimented her, as the one at fault. Rolled in delight at the backing she got from others and then started to make petty and childish comments about winding up more men and just being a dick for the sake of it. 

Had I not observed what I did, listened to my gut to begin with, I
 could have went in blind and then possibly not seen this behaviour at first. But due to my instincts I was impartial at what was happening and seen the black ugly soul she had inside her, at the expense of others. 

I did not have any reason to feel this way about her at the start, I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt as my sense were so overwhelming. And I am glad I get these "feelings" about people. 

The last time i ignored my gut instinct was on a man, and i knew something was off but it turned out he was gaslighting me. I was questioning and doubting myself, and i ended up manipulated which I would not have had to endure the pain and hurt had I listened to myself first time around. 

But that's just me, my partner often jokes I am psychic because my gut and instincts are so spot on before I have even spoke to someone. I feel it's a curse, as I end up being over cautious when meeting people, but that being said, I do not look for these flags. It's not something I can control, it just happens, so I am not setting up each and every potential relationship to fail. That also is apparent for me, as I don't (anymore) make any attempted to date someone if my gut feels off. If I feel good and positive about someone, I will by all means be positive, hopeful and try to see whats there. At the very least great friendships have came from it.! 

[Ch****]

Kink not included in this...I look for kindness first off, someone who has self respect, someone i can laugh with, and do not take themselves too seriously.

 

Red flags

Liars, even telling so call white lies

Bad attitude, self important types

Lazyness

Insecure ,scared of letting go

 

 

[Je****]

1 hour ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

Dating?

I hate dating as it's commonly done. You're doing this forced, atypical activity with someone you don't know that well, and hoping it forges a connection, but that's not a great avenue to really get to know someone. People often only try to show you their best side on a date and hide all their dirty laundry, which just makes it harder to get to know them. The best way to get to know someone is by regularly sharing time with them in a non-romantic/sexual context (usually work or school), but I'm not in school anymore, and you're not supposed to date people at work in most cases.

I think the hardest part is to find something that you both genuinely enjoy doing, and would have fun with even if this wasn't a date. I typically shoot for dinner, followed by some light physical activity (walking, hiking, or something more intense with plenty of breaks).  This activity should allow for maximum conversation, including a low noise level, and some privacy. The real point is to get past the small talk to a deeper level of conversation where you get to truly start to discover the other person and get to a point where you can have a real connection.

My goodness, you took "dating" at its basic and most literal form here. Which has been an interesting read!!

I liked reading your perspective/ views on it. 

 

There are society norms with dating yes. Tradition let's say. The focus and push to bond as people. But doesn't that come down to the date choices?

I feel I am somewhat out of that box. Yeah il have a coffee date, but that means there's nothing else to do but chat. We don't sit and look at one another. It's relaxed and open. All there is to do is gage if you're compatible, which can be done by seeing if the conversation flows, or if you're sat in awkward silence.

For me, dinner dates are not first date material. I can get a bit uncomfy sitting watching someone eat and vice versa, and its rude to talk when eating isn't it! haha. 

bowling is good fun. You see someone's energy, how they take losing or winning. If they help or encourage you. If they check in with you and how they treat you. The small talk can come out then when spirits are high and an activity is distracting you. 

Cinema dates won't be for me, because you can't really speak to someone, plus it's dark haha.

Pub dates are good, again gaging how someone handles themselves and those around you. How they manage their drink. things they choose to discuss and so on. Same with a club, how someone dances can tell a lot about them! 

 

For me a date  may even be one of us or both, cooking dinner with music or a movie on. Or out walking about at the beach or mountains and again it helps see how someone is for themselves. 

In my opinion if on a date, and it feels a struggle to talk to someone, feels awkward or forced, at the very least from the experience ive learned what is and isn't for me.

Heck even dates can happen as part of a board game / ttrpg session. You see the inner workings of someone and their minds and body language. 

Even the most plain and simple dates can show you a lot about a person and who they are. Talking is very important to me, so I like to communicate and engage with someone. Learn about them and if they're interested in me also with questions. It's clear to see who isn't if the effort is one sided. But my point is, no matter the experience, you learn something from it 

[se****]

2 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

I think if you use filters you cannot blame someone for running if you look nothing like said profile due to being heavily altered with filters. 

But yeah, the "youre not usually.." comments suck don't they haha9

I agree, but was trying to put something positive in a negative meeting... not get so upset. 

[CopperKnob]

Best hopes
A good sense of humour/ability to get mine (cliche I know)
Positive attitude
Honesty and transparency
Kindness and empathy towards others and animals
Patience
Motivation and drive
Similar ethical/moral perspectives
The ability to see all sides of a situation and debate matters respectfully
Not taking themselves too seriously
Having their own interests and hobbies
.
Worries
The opposite of the above
Talking the talk, not walking the walk
Substance misuse

[Pl****]

5 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

I was quite interested in this aspect, you say about toxic traits, and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I feel i counteract this. 

I think there's actually a distinction between what we're both talking about. I don't tell people to ignore their guts, particularly when any kind of safety is involved. I think it's fine to have a gut feeling, as long as you're open to the possibility that your gut is wrong, and more importantly, you don't take any kind of harmful action only based on gut feelings. Keep it in mind, take protective action if necessary, but be aware that your gut could be wrong and this person might be completely innocent. 

I'll try to cite some examples of where I think this comes into play that have heavily influenced why I think this is important:

My first girlfriend would often assume people were being malicious. When I'd say something, she'd sometimes claim that I meant something negative that I didn't mean at all. Maybe she got a gut feeling, or was just paranoid. She'd have fights with people over things I didn't see any problem with, but I know enough to say anything about it. What finally made me realize something was seriously wrong was when someone didn't call her back, and she decided it was intentional and malicious, and that they were enemies now. 

Another very common example deals with politics in my country (United States). We have these two parties, and a lot of people in either party tend to assume very negative things about people in the opposite party, like they're stupid, evil, lazy, greedy, racist, and/or trying to destroy the country, all of which are completely ridiculous. I'm not in either party, and some people (including my mother and previous boss) struggle with the idea that I could be a good person without agreeing with them on a particular issue. There's rarely any attempt to say, "Maybe people in the other party are still good people, but they have a different perspective, or they're concerned about the downsides instead of the positives/vice versa."

And it's not just that they might be wrong, it's the direction. What do they say? Better to let ten guilty go free than imprison one innocent? I've seen so many cases where what looks to me like a simple misunderstanding gets elevated to something completely unreasonable. It's happened to me a few times. My body language/reactions are also different than most other people, so after I've gotten to know them, I've often heard from people that their first impressions of me were way off. 

 

6 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

For me, dinner dates are not first date material. I can get a bit uncomfy sitting watching someone eat and vice versa, and its rude to talk when eating isn't it! haha. 

I don't know if it has to be a traditional dinner date, but I think it's a good idea for a number of reasons. 

1. Food is something that nearly everybody can enjoy. 
2. Sharing a meal or drinking together does some work creating bonds. 
3. I like to see if my date is polite to the service industry. 

I've never found dinner conversation to be an issue. Even my last dinner date, whom I was hilariously incompatible with, still featured some solid dinner conversation.

[se****]

This is limiting myself, but about protection. I won't look at profiles without pics. Too many bad experiences for me. Alot behave to a point of almost stalking. I think only having professional to semi pics are misleading, and got disappointments. They can be scammers or catfishing.

Edited December 7, 2022 by kiseu

[Kittycat1778]

Honesty and being open minded above all else. I hate deceit of any kind. Sexual compatibility and being aligned in sexual preferences or being open minded enough to try also very important. What I’ve recently learnt is that being someone’s typical physical type has little importance in sexual compatibility and attraction. I reject traditional views of how relationships should work as long as you are open, honest and have good communication you can navigate what works for you. I also like humour and playfulness. 

 

turn offs - closed minded, judgemental liars 😊

[gh****]

this is very important too.. Good topic subject. spot on with the first impression I lay cards out (not all) otherwise will taken advantage off. and do test my date on the intentions. I like to see certain things and certain respone that to me is sexy.
I'm sort fo guy looks at the behaviour, to me it's like her wearing kinky outfits.

[Da****]

I go by action and reaction on both sides. I go by interests somewhat as a starter and see how it grows or falls. Does she want to reach out to me? Do I? And build on simply the fact of understanding each one another

[se****]

On 12/6/2022 at 5:13 PM, Finally_Jen said:

Sorry to hear this, I for one, personally avoid interaction with people who use filters on their photos, on most or all, i have a few black and white on mine, and I even bare ones, without even make up to show the every day me, and that I am real. I know cutting out profiles that use filters will be a massive drop on success due to how many actually use filters, but for me, I don't tend to look twice at those who do, for fear of fakes and catfishes

Jen, what's your opinion on black and white photos? I noticed the same pictures don't look the same. Sort of confused...