Loss

[PixieDust]

 

I chose the topic of loss as I felt it’s not often a subject that is discussed, and it would be a good one to hear everyone’s thoughts on.  It’s also a topic that has been part of my life more than I actually realised.  

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Normally I would put my thoughts into a poem as I often find that is an easier way to express myself and deal with what I am feeling at the time however mid last year, I had three strokes and even though I am slowly getting my thoughts back into order and my rhyme back on, my writing has suffered, so I hope you can forgive me if this reads a little clunky and is somewhat long winded. 

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Having the strokes was tough going and to be honest I didn’t cope very well at being stuck in hospital.  I felt the loss of freedom, the loss of movement, the loss of speaking words in the right order, the loss of not being able to type and all of that hit me for a six.  It was overwhelming and I felt very alone, and it didn’t help that I already had hospital related trauma from previous years.

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I was finally discharged but several weeks later I found myself back in hospital with a bad chest infection and was placed in a negative pressure room. With the admittance back to hospital, this set off the feelings of loss again, freedom, mobility and even the loss of air as I was struggling to breath, it also brought home again how much I was reliant on my support workers and hospital staff to help me.  I had a bit of melt down and tried to discharge myself, not the smartest plan but seemed a good idea at the time. 

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After finally making it back home, I reached out to my psychologist for hospital related coping strategies and coping with loss in general.  My psychologist gave me a project and that was to write down a chronological list of everything that has happened to me in my life, the good, the bad, the wonderful, etc. etc.

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I thought piece of cake…. boy oh boy was I wrong….so not a piece of cake, as when you start breaking down and unravelling 52 years of your life, it’s harder than you think.  You had to put your memory to the test and pull out all those things that you may have purposely tucked away in the back of your mind.

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I put the list together and there were many tears as I wrote…… I have a sneaky feeling that was part of the process of looking back through it all.  What I didn’t expect though, was to see was how much loss I had actually gone through, and I have to say I was a little shocked to see it there in black and white.

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The project served its purpose, it opened my eyes.

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I saw the loss of all of my family, the loss of my partner, the loss of friends, the loss of my mobility, the loss of my health, the loss of possessions, the loss of my employment through bad health, the loss of my social life, and the list continued….it was all there, staring back at me, there was no avoiding it, there was no tucking it away, the loss was real and feck me…. It hit hard.  

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I had another good cry and then thought about the losses and really reflected on them.  What I saw was that some of the losses have taken me a long time to make sense of, others I am still healing from and some I have made my peace with and then there were some I may simply never understand and that was okay. 

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The project also showed me loss can be a bitch; loss can be hard, and loss can hurt like hell. However, I feel it’s through loss, I’ve endured, I’ve grown, and I’ve found the strength to move forward no matter how much it sucks to do so at times.

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On the flipside, looking at loss also showed me what I had gained….it led me to Fetish.com and that reminded me of all the wonderful people I have met since joining and the friends that I have made.  It also gave me a greater appreciation of how precious life is and that I need to hold on to it and strive ahead no matter the journey that awaits me.

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I am thankful I reached out to my psychologist when I was at a loss, as it has certainly helped me move forward and provide clarity. 

 

======================================================================================================================

 

Loss can be so many things to different people for different reasons.

 

• The loss of a loved one
• The loss of a friendship
• The loss of a relationship
• The loss of a D/s dynamic
• The loss of good health
• The loss of libido
• The loss of freedom
• The loss of movement
• The loss of a physical object
• The loss of a job
• The loss of a pet
• And the list goes on……

 

Loss can be small, loss can be insurmountable, loss can emote so many emotions……some losses make us cry, some really hurt, some make us retreat, some make us reflect, some make us angry and some we are purely at a loss on how to deal with the loss.

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So a few questions to ponder and share your thoughts on.

 

• How do you deal with loss?
• Can you get past loss or is it always there in the back of your mind?
• What has helped you the most with loss? 
• What hasn’t helped you with loss?
• Do you openly talk about loss?
• What advice would you offer to others dealing with loss?
• Have you gained something you didn’t expect from a loss?

 

I look forward to hearing from you. 

Cheers Pixie 💜

[Wo****]

As a wise man once said, " Only when you have lost everything including your sanity , do you realise all you have left is Spirit. Only then with Spirit do you become invincible and Warrior." 🙏🙏🙏🤗

[MrJim]

Hello PixieDust I hope you’re doing well as you read this. I have actually never really thought about how I deal with loss. I know how certain losses make me feel but I don’t know what goes through my mind when I deal with them. I’m going to have to try and do your assignment of writing down my life and see what it says. I know I have many different kinds of loss due to the military, being a medic, and just living. So I’m interested in seeing it on paper. I think as a man we are taught to suck it up and move forward so I don’t know what revelations I will find. But as always you have given me a chance to think and learn so I appreciate you for that. I think of you often and I hope that you are getting better every day. I look forward to hearing from you, all my best Jim

[PixieDust]

26 minutes ago, WolfeWitche said:

As a wise man once said, " Only when you have lost everything including your sanity , do you realise all you have left is Spirit. Only then with Spirit do you become invincible and Warrior." 🙏🙏🙏🤗

The wise man was indeed a wise man. 💜💜💜

[AKA_Copper]

I think that what you've done, your personal project, is exceptionally brave.
Whilst loss is a natural part of life, I also think, for me, that there are some losses that are too difficult to deal with at the time due to the circumstances. When I look back superficially, I wasn't able to deal with a particular loss. Other people needed me to be their support, to deal with that which they couldn't. That meant that I didn't get the support I needed and I know I didn't have the opportunity to grieve fully. I jniw it because I can't talk about the person without tears, so I don't. I remove myself from the conversation and at times, I leave wherever I am to avoid it. The grief cycle isn't linear but I got stuck in the anger phase. For a long time. Perhaps I'm still there because I can't stand people talking about him and hearing their perspectives on the circumstances which is where the avoidance comes from. Shock, bargaining and acceptance were skipped. Depression I can mask, that is til discussion like this or a memory catches me unaware. The thing is though, it catches up with you I think. All it took was another loss some years later to 'break' me.
I've still not dealt with it. Not fully. I don't feel ready/able to do so. This is the first time I've really voiced how I feel/felt about it. Maybe this has been somewhat cathartic. Right now I don't know.
I think that that's as important. Grief is complex. You need to be in the right mindset, have the right space you need the right circumstances, support and tools to address i fully and to do it well x

[MrJim]

I also think that some loss we have at a particular time in our lives turns out later to be a good thing by separating us from a toxic person that we were blind to at the time. But as you said very eloquently it is far from linear and we all deal differently, I also have something that I just choose to avoid thinking about rather than deal with it because it is to ***ful. Thanks for your input and thoughts

[PixieDust]

24 minutes ago, MrJim said:

Hello PixieDust I hope you’re doing well as you read this. I have actually never really thought about how I deal with loss. I know how certain losses make me feel but I don’t know what goes through my mind when I deal with them. I’m going to have to try and do your assignment of writing down my life and see what it says. I know I have many different kinds of loss due to the military, being a medic, and just living. So I’m interested in seeing it on paper. I think as a man we are taught to suck it up and move forward so I don’t know what revelations I will find. But as always you have given me a chance to think and learn so I appreciate you for that. I think of you often and I hope that you are getting better every day. I look forward to hearing from you, all my best Jim

Thank you Jim, I'm hanging in there and I will drop you a line.  I think its definitely an eye opener, and well worth doing the project but at the same time be prepared for some in your face stuff.  I spoke to my psychologist in depth after I had done it and I am glad I did.  I think having the support is part of it also. 

I also don't think you are alone there, I think many have been conditioned to just suck it up and move forward, I know I do and maybe we do that for self preservation if anything.  

 

[ha****]

You have a beautiful soul that Will For ever 

[Wi****]

Thankyou pixiedust for sharing and posting this topic. I agree loss is something that isn't discussed enough. Your a beautiful soul pixiedust and forever in my thoughts 🤗

Tbh I'm not really sure how to respond other that sharing the loss of my farther. I still Don think I've got my head around losing him or if I will as there are so many mixed emotions linked in with it. For all the mixed emotions I have. He had his faults as we all do but. I will say say. He was my hero and inspiration and I miss him dearly.

Everything I listen to the Song My Hero by the Foo Fighters it reminds me of him

… Too alarmin' now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out?
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… Kudos, my hero
Leavin' all the mess
You know my hero
The one that's on

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… There goes my hero

[PixieDust]

10 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that what you've done, your personal project, is exceptionally brave.
Whilst loss is a natural part of life, I also think, for me, that there are some losses that are too difficult to deal with at the time due to the circumstances. When I look back superficially, I wasn't able to deal with a particular loss. Other people needed me to be their support, to deal with that which they couldn't. That meant that I didn't get the support I needed and I know I didn't have the opportunity to grieve fully. I jniw it because I can't talk about the person without tears, so I don't. I remove myself from the conversation and at times, I leave wherever I am to avoid it. The grief cycle isn't linear but I got stuck in the anger phase. For a long time. Perhaps I'm still there because I can't stand people talking about him and hearing their perspectives on the circumstances which is where the avoidance comes from. Shock, bargaining and acceptance were skipped. Depression I can mask, that is til discussion like this or a memory catches me unaware. The thing is though, it catches up with you I think. All it took was another loss some years later to 'break' me.
I've still not dealt with it. Not fully. I don't feel ready/able to do so. This is the first time I've really voiced how I feel/felt about it. Maybe this has been somewhat cathartic. Right now I don't know.
I think that that's as important. Grief is complex. You need to be in the right mindset, have the right space you need the right circumstances, support and tools to address i fully and to do it well x

Thank you 🙏🏼  I honestly wasn't expecting how much it opened my eyes and I am still processing some of it.

Thank you also for sharing.  You are right grief is very complex and sometimes you just can't deal with it until the time is right for you.  I am so sorry you didn't receive the support when you needed it most. I can also relate to everything you have mentioned, the tears, the anger,, the avoidance, the catching up with you....I've felt the same over the years.  I hope in time you find some peace if that is the right word to use....sorry I'm still not trusting myself that I am using the right words but I do hope you know what I mean. 💜

[PixieDust]

43 minutes ago, havelock404 said:

You have a beautiful soul that Will For ever 

Thank you 🙏🏼

[4R****]

58 minutes ago, MrJim said:

I also think that some loss we have at a particular time in our lives turns out later to be a good thing by separating us from a toxic person that we were blind to at the time.

Oh I absolutely agree with this! And it's interesting that others around you could see what you couldn't and simply waited, knowing that they would need to help you rebuild after the loss.

[He****]

Hmm loss, that's a hard one. So far in my life I lost my mum aged 7 so lost my childhood, as things changed so much after that. Lost my innocence aged 15 when I was gang ***d. That I carried with me for many years. I lost a beautiful brother on his 18th birthday, have lost many family and friends over the years. One year lost 7 in 9 months, I thought that was hard, then just over 3 years ago lost my husband then 11 weeks later mum number 2, watched them both take their last breath, my dad lost his wife a few months later and a few weeks after that lost the friend who was there the night my husband died. Lots of loss, hard to recover when your father keeps saying he wants to kill himself, he doesn't now, but he felt her loss heavily, due to his age he said. What I got out of all of that, after mum no 1 died I ended up with number 2 and a bunch of siblings. A lot of love and some headaches lol especially 1 brother. What I got as well, I ended up here a couple of years ago, I got an email from a man that wasn't a crappy introduction, so I responded and have been ever since. That same man convinced me to see a BDSM sex councillor to help deal with my *** and all my other losses, oh and that brother that drove me round the twist. So yes lots of people have loss and I guess the answer is how to deal with it. I always thought seeing a councillor or similar was a sign of weakness, its not the Australian way. Well what I've discovered is that getting help when you need it is the smartest thing you can ever do. The end result is every event that happens brings you to your next point in life. Yes I've suffered loss but I've had lots of gains because of it. I do openly talk about it, And may I say that was incredibly brave to put that out there for the world to see to start with. I do truly believe though that no matter what I've been through there are people who have been through worse, so I have no right to feel sorry for myself.

[PixieDust]

1 hour ago, Willow75 said:

Thankyou pixiedust for sharing and posting this topic. I agree loss is something that isn't discussed enough. Your a beautiful soul pixiedust and forever in my thoughts 🤗

Tbh I'm not really sure how to respond other that sharing the loss of my farther. I still Don think I've got my head around losing him or if I will as there are so many mixed emotions linked in with it. For all the mixed emotions I have. He had his faults as we all do but. I will say say. He was my hero and inspiration and I miss him dearly.

Everything I listen to the Song My Hero by the Foo Fighters it reminds me of him

… Too alarmin' now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… Don't the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out?
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… Kudos, my hero
Leavin' all the mess
You know my hero
The one that's on

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary

… There goes my hero

Thank you Willow 🙏🏼 and thank you for sharing and sorry for the loss of your father 🤗 💜

Its a great song you have picked.  I have a song that always remind me of my Mum and can totally relate to the mixed emotions linked with it.   

 

[Deleted Member]

I lost access to my son 10 years ago because of a spiteful ex I can’t see him until he is old enough to want yo make his own mind up to want to see me, in march 2021 I lost my dad 7 months later me and my wife got married and 2 weeks after the wedding she suddenly and unexpectedly died right infront of me on honeymoon, I had to stay with my mum as I was on *** watch and was so depressed I laid on the sofa for 4 months straight, I ended up collapsing my spine and twisting my spinal chord I couldn’t walk and was on crutches for a whole year but through alot of help and determination I am walking again without any aids no back brace no crutches, but I still feel so lonely in my heart and I don’t think that will ever go away tbh

[Deleted Member]

Wow! I'm so sorry for your struggles, it's so beautifully written and thought provoking, like many people who suffered loss, time is still a great healer, but the scars of that loss will be there forever.

Im struggling to word it quite as succinct as you have, friends can be amazing to help with grief. I find music is a beautiful coping mechanism, it can bring so much joy and ***, and sometimes the release of sadness after a certain song, or lyric, can bring you down and back up again. Nothing wrong with a good cry. It works. My favourite sad song is "Whiter Shade of Pale" by Procol Harem. It transports me to a sad place, but gives me joy....in a strange way.
🤗🤗🤗

[PixieDust]

7 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

Hmm loss, that's a hard one. So far in my life I lost my mum aged 7 so lost my childhood, as things changed so much after that. Lost my innocence aged 15 when I was gang ***d. That I carried with me for many years. I lost a beautiful brother on his 18th birthday, have lost many family and friends over the years. One year lost 7 in 9 months, I thought that was hard, then just over 3 years ago lost my husband then 11 weeks later mum number 2, watched them both take their last breath, my dad lost his wife a few months later and a few weeks after that lost the friend who was there the night my husband died. Lots of loss, hard to recover when your father keeps saying he wants to kill himself, he doesn't now, but he felt her loss heavily, due to his age he said. What I got out of all of that, after mum no 1 died I ended up with number 2 and a bunch of siblings. A lot of love and some headaches lol especially 1 brother. What I got as well, I ended up here a couple of years ago, I got an email from a man that wasn't a crappy introduction, so I responded and have been ever since. That same man convinced me to see a BDSM sex councillor to help deal with my *** and all my other losses, oh and that brother that drove me round the twist. So yes lots of people have loss and I guess the answer is how to deal with it. I always thought seeing a councillor or similar was a sign of weakness, its not the Australian way. Well what I've discovered is that getting help when you need it is the smartest thing you can ever do. The end result is every event that happens brings you to your next point in life. Yes I've suffered loss but I've had lots of gains because of it. I do openly talk about it, And may I say that was incredibly brave to put that out there for the world to see to start with. I do truly believe though that no matter what I've been through there are people who have been through worse, so I have no right to feel sorry for myself.

Thank you 🙏🏼and thank you for sharing yours and I am also very sorry for all of your losses 🤗

When you said not the Australian way....you are so spot on...the saying "She''ll be right, mate" comes to mind and I think that's what we grew up with here and sometimes  "She'll be right" is not quite right at all.  

I agree with you, if you are open to help from external sources such as counselors and psychologists etc, I would definitely recommend going for it, as they can often provide insight and clarity and give you a different way of looking at things,  I am glad you were able to reach out to one also. 💜

 

[He****]

2 minutes ago, PixieDust said:

Thank you 🙏🏼and thank you for sharing yours and I am also very sorry for all of your losses 🤗

When you said not the Australian way....you are so spot on...the saying "She''ll be right, mate" comes to mind and I think that's what we grew up with here and sometimes  "She'll be right" is not quite right at all.  

I agree with you, if you are open to help from external sources such as counselors and psychologists etc, I would definitely recommend going for it, as they can often provide insight and clarity and give you a different way of looking at things,  I am glad you were able to reach out to one also. 💜

 

But the best thing Pixie is that you can actually get councillors that are BDSM friendly. My councillor Chris was a Daddy as well as a councillor, so I could openly talk about me and my Daddy, which made everything so much easier.

[PixieDust]

55 minutes ago, daddy6987 said:

I lost access to my son 10 years ago because of a spiteful ex I can’t see him until he is old enough to want yo make his own mind up to want to see me, in march 2021 I lost my dad 7 months later me and my wife got married and 2 weeks after the wedding she suddenly and unexpectedly died right infront of me on honeymoon, I had to stay with my mum as I was on *** watch and was so depressed I laid on the sofa for 4 months straight, I ended up collapsing my spine and twisting my spinal chord I couldn’t walk and was on crutches for a whole year but through alot of help and determination I am walking again without any aids no back brace no crutches, but I still feel so lonely in my heart and I don’t think that will ever go away tbh

Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼and I am sorry for your losses 🤗

Determination is an amazing thing...so its very awesome you are now walking again without any aides  💜

Lonely in ones heart is a tough one also and forgive the pun but I don't think you are alone there, as I believe many including myself feel the same. 

[Alexander126]

I struggle with constantly depression, largely stemming from a rather long list of losses. Losses stay with me for a very long time, I find the best way to cope is to replace them.. but sooner or later I tend to lose the replacement as well, and then my mind goes back to previous losses to avoid thinking of the most recent (for example at the start of the plague I made a very good friend.. but she wound up getting into a full house-slave relationship and her Dom made her sever ties with.. everyone. That caused me to mentally recoil onto someone who discarded me like a piece of trash 10 years ago.).

 

[PixieDust]

35 minutes ago, lonelybeard said:

Wow! I'm so sorry for your struggles, it's so beautifully written and thought provoking, like many people who suffered loss, time is still a great healer, but the scars of that loss will be there forever.

Im struggling to word it quite as succinct as you have, friends can be amazing to help with grief. I find music is a beautiful coping mechanism, it can bring so much joy and ***, and sometimes the release of sadness after a certain song, or lyric, can bring you down and back up again. Nothing wrong with a good cry. It works. My favourite sad song is "Whiter Shade of Pale" by Procol Harem. It transports me to a sad place, but gives me joy....in a strange way.
🤗🤗🤗

Thank you 🙏🏼and thank you for sharing 🤗

Scars of a loss,, is good way of explaining.....it also gave me a bit of a visual image, some scars are scratches, some are welts and some are keloid but no matter the depth, they made their mark. 

I agree friends can be amazing and they have certainly helped me over time. 💜

Music I have to say has been my savior, I think I would be truly lost without it,  I even have it playing now😊  Maybe it fills the void, but like you say it can bring so much joy, yet *** but through it release.  

I love that song you mentioned haven't heard that version but will check it out. I have  two favourite songs but both very different ones for different reasons "Surrender" by Birdy and the other is "Lamont for a frozen flower" from the Secret Garden 

[PixieDust]

1 hour ago, Hels1920 said:

But the best thing Pixie is that you can actually get councillors that are BDSM friendly. My councillor Chris was a Daddy as well as a councillor, so I could openly talk about me and my Daddy, which made everything so much easier.

That's a very good point, there are some really good BDSM friendly ones out there. 

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, PixieDust said:

Thank you 🙏🏼and thank you for sharing 🤗

Scars of a loss,, is good way of explaining.....it also gave me a bit of a visual image, some scars are scratches, some are welts and some are keloid but no matter the depth, they made their mark. 

I agree friends can be amazing and they have certainly helped me over time. 💜

Music I have to say has been my savior, I think I would be truly lost without it,  I even have it playing now😊  Maybe it fills the void, but like you say it can bring so much joy, yet *** but through it release.  

I love that song you mentioned haven't heard that version but will check it out. I have  two favourite songs but both very different ones for different reasons "Surrender" by Birdy and the other is "Lamont for a frozen flower" from the Secret Garden 

Your welcome, I'll look at those songs later... Here's the lyrics...

"We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
The crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
As the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
The waiter brought a tray

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly
Turned a whiter shade of pale

She said "there is no reason"
And the truth is plain to see
But I wandered through my playing cards
Would not let her be
One of six*** vestal virgins
Who were leaving for the coast
And although my eyes were open
They might have just as well've been closed

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly
Turned a whiter shade of pale

And so it was that later"

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, PixieDust said:

Thank you 🙏🏼and thank you for sharing 🤗

Scars of a loss,, is good way of explaining.....it also gave me a bit of a visual image, some scars are scratches, some are welts and some are keloid but no matter the depth, they made their mark. 

I agree friends can be amazing and they have certainly helped me over time. 💜

Music I have to say has been my savior, I think I would be truly lost without it,  I even have it playing now😊  Maybe it fills the void, but like you say it can bring so much joy, yet *** but through it release.  

I love that song you mentioned haven't heard that version but will check it out. I have  two favourite songs but both very different ones for different reasons "Surrender" by Birdy and the other is "Lamont for a frozen flower" from the Secret Garden 

The lyrics are kinda odd, it's just the tune and how it's sung, i really can't explain why it gets me in the feels so much. Would love to hear what you think?
Would love to hear what you think?

I have long physical scars across my body, they tell a tale about me, and my own struggles., it makes us who we are, and all the more stronger through time. Our bodies are a story book of our lives. 🤗
I have long physical scars across my body, they tell a tale about me, and my own struggles., it makes us who we are, and all the more stronger

[Deleted Member]

So weird for me, the universe speaks. Yesterday, it was one of my grieving days with the loss of my dog. I think this will be a forever one. 

I really don't give advise on this, unless they ask. Just try to be there for them.

When you have seen loss in your life, you start appreciating every little thing in your life, and being thankful.