How to trust my feelings again?

[Vo****]

I nearly posted for advice a few days ago but changed my mind. I’m still feeling really down so I’m hoping for some advice from the hive mind.

While recovering from flu a few weeks ago, someone I thought was too far away really got into my head over whatsapp chats. I was blown away by the level of emotional connection and compatibility… it was like nothing I’d ever felt. He made it clear he only wanted a relationship and had been hurt many times by people using him for sex. I do have an extremely high libido but I’m looking for someone to connect with on every level, for the best relationship possible. And any woman on this app can absolutely find dozens of men who’d sleep with them within a 5 mile radius so why would I drive that far just to use someone??

Eventually I threw my distance reservations in the bin and we spent some time together. Afterwards he said he’d never felt so wanted and adored in his entire life, so I assumed his insecurities were gone. I just needed some reassurance about my kinks, because he’d told me the things I needed were “basic stuff” and “not a problem”… but unfortunately when we met it was clear he was very uneasy about them.

I do have an odd health condition which means some things could injure me but this mainly means you can’t pull my neck too hard. There is absolutely no way I could get injured during a spanking but he just didn’t want to do it at all. At the time I assumed he was concerned about injuring me, but it worried me a little so I asked if we could discuss it. He flipped out about it and accused me of using him for sex etc.

I’m very into honest communication and talking about any issues, I just wanted to discuss kink things… but I was also completely shocked how quickly I went from being told I was the most loving person ever to being treated like some kind of evil slag queen from hell.

It’s just made me feel so downhearted and frankly quite pessimistic about my chances of finding the right person. I always subscribe to the fact that you should never make anyone pay the price for the problems you’ve had with people in the past… but now I have a big fear that I’ll never be able to trust my own judgment regarding emotional connection. How can I get over this? I was so sure about this guy but I was clearly so very wrong :(

He’s made it clear he’s no longer interested but how can I trust any future emotional connection I feel? Should I give up for a while until I feel better?

[Je****]

Firstly it reads as if this is all a "him" problem. You tried basic communication and he flipped out. He didn't hear you out or take on board what was previously mentioned from you.
Down to the not wanting to play certain things, making out youre complicated or you kinks are too much, all sorts just read that this guy has a problem and that is not at all your fault.

Also just because you were "wrong" about one guy here doesnt mean theres anything wrong with you, your judgement or ability to connect with someone.
He probably fed you wanted you wanted to know/hear. It could have been a case of online compatibility but no RL compatibility.
That, or you just want something so much that you wanted to believe you had it.

I always believe a failed encounter is a learning curve, and a set up for soemthing better to come. Dont give up though, thats the main thing. Xx

[Mi****]

Love yourself sweetheart… never let someone make you feel down about your kinks.. life’s too short

[Fl****]

Honestly it's amazing you were able get over your worries and anxiety about the situation and were willing to take a risk/shot at something you clearly want in your life. Don't be discouraged because someone you've only recently engaged with turned out to be a bust. You know how amazing and awesome and wonderful you are and how lucky some one is going to be when they get to spend their time and energy with you, clearly he's the one going to be missing out! You've got this keep having fun keep engaging and have some fun it's totally ok!!

[8x****]

I don't wanna be nasty to the guy, but it seems he has some serious issues he needs to address before pursuing a relationship. From what you've put, it seems you have been really open and fair during the whole situation. For him to go from one extreme to the other so fast seems to keep like he isn't very stable and sure of himself mentally. I have actually experienced something very similar before, and I completely get how you feel. It completely knocks you, it's horrible and to be honest it's just a personal thing as to how long it takes before you can actually find that same trust again, I'm surely you will though! Don't beat yourself up about trusting him, he clearly gave you all the right reasons to and you had no idea he would just all of a sudden switch on you based off some pretty minor details. Keep looking, don't let this knock you. Good luck x

[Deleted Member]

Can't offer much apart from sympathy and empathy. Because I have had the same thing time and time again

[lo****]

You don't have the issue he does, which is probably why he feels people are using him, they are probably not, more likely he flips, people freak out and don't want any more to do with him?

Im sorry his actions have taken a knock out of you, you seem like you were happy to discuss your concerns, perfectly normal early in relationships, and throughout them.

I hope you can move on from this person and find someone else..

Peace, love and hugs
✌️❤️🤗
LB

[Lord_Talion]

Sounds like he gas lighted ya by blaming you for stuff before he could get hurt. Basic defense mechanism

[Deleted Member]

You’ve done amazingly well putting yourself out there and taking a risk in looking for a connection with this guy. He clearly has issues that he doesn’t want to address or talk about and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. He needs to work on himself. Open communication is essential. Take time to look after yourself and exercise self care. Do things you enjoy, treat yourself to a hot bath and focus on healing yourself after such an experience. You deserve far better and you will meet the right person for you when you least expect it. Take care

[ki****]

It's obvious as an impartial reader that there's nothing wrong with your judgement. After processing the experience, you should feel much better about yourself. We make decisions using a blend of instinct and fact. Your account shows you doing that perfectly. Unsuccessful encounters do jar, but don't let that deter you. Given the connection you felt initially, you were obliged to investigate further. That the person concerned was not worthy of you is their loss, not yours. Fingers crossed your next encounter is the one you deserve.

[st****]

Hes clearly thinks hes ready for a relationship but hes obviously not!! If hes not into the kinks and fwb hes on the wrong site and needs to be on tinder.

[Lu****]

Honestly I've had the same things happen. But I've dated question able people in the he past like this. I've been out of the dating scene for a few months now. Before that it was a couple of years.

[Lu****]

But the advice above me is solid so the only thing I can add is if you self reflect and self love then do t be to hard on yourself. An if you have questions we can always try and talk it out.

[ca****]

You listened and you trusted the words someone said to you this is not your fault, it's not nice this has happened to you but you need to not blame yourself and you need to not fear trusting others because the next one might be the right one, if the guards do come up then try not to put them all the way up

[Deleted Member]

I resonate with what you’re sharing a lot, and while it’s obviously ultimately up to you to decide what you would like to do, time and space away with some good self care never hurts. I agree with Luna, don’t be too hard on yourself 🖤 I’m sorry that happened and it sucks there are one too many people like him, but there are also some really cool people too. I suppose it’s just up to the individual whether or not it’s worth it to experience the bad before getting to the good, and either decision is fine.

[Deleted Member]

Well, I am going to say the obvious but it's not your fault for him being a jerk. Now my recommendation for your future relationships is to look for emotional connection. First, look for someone you can meet easily regularly have a couple of meeting talk with him and enjoy some time together. Than, if you feel like he would be a good dom for you go ahead and start making that connection 😉. It would me way more durable and it would bring you more happiness. (Feelings from the start don't get you relationships they get you one night stands)

[li****]

If you do care for him then maybe try this on a phone call, say “from your point of view what is the issue and how do you think we can sort it?” Don’t respond just really let him talk himself out. Then ask for clarification *important* and deconstruct exactly what he says with him using the same words he uses and dont interject with your own opinions/thoughts . Try not to let any emotion creep into your voice and keep the tone neutral but caring. If he objects don’t be disheartened and just explain that you care for him and don’t want to throw away the connection you feel for him. Misunderstanding can often be the cause and people tend to shy away if they feel like they already know the outcome. This way is a slow but gentle way around that. Only after he has said everything then you can explain your point of view in the same manner and hopefully reach an understanding. Then at the end at least you will know where he is coming from and then you can make up your mind if You still want to pursue the relationship.

[Bwantsmore]

I can't add much more than the guys before me but would like to say as bad as it feels now, this in no way appears to be your fault.
In the coming weeks and days, as the hurt fades I think you'll begin to realise you have very likely dodged a bullet with this guy. Don't let it dampen your heart. I truly believe there is someone out there for all of us , they're just not always easy to find.

[Mr****]

As above... yes he has issues..... so they are his not yours.... whatever anyone says about anything is more a comment on them than on you. Also.... you could well have been initially emotionally close.... and then as time has gone on .... he has allowed his issues/fears to have got in the way and caused a problem for both of you. Lots of hugs.

[ki****]

My opinion, for what its worth.

Try to turn this around. He is the one with the problem not you. I assume you had discussed spanking during your WhatsApp chats, so you did everything you could to ensure there was at least enough compatibility to make it worth your while travelling the distance.

Secondly, you are human and we all make mistakes. It proves you're human. If we all gave up because we made a mistake, none of us would step outside. I'm a believer in the saying, you never fail, you either win or you learn something. So please don't give up, you can do it and I suspect, because of the way you've written this topic, you care very much, which is a fantastic trait for any partner and I feel sure you can trust your future emotional connections.

Thirdly. I hope you are feeling better after the flu. It is very exhausting, not like a bad cold at all. So I feel you may be right, you were tempted whilst still recovering and even though you think you were 100% certain, the flu affected your judgment. So my final bit of advice is be kind to yourself and take life a little slower than normal until your energy levels are fully restored.

[CopperKnob]

I think that this is my main issue with online, people can present themselves how they wish, they can preview WhatsApp messages and compose a response, unlike real life when we see facial expressions/body language and we all need to respond in conversation in real time.
We're missing heaps of cue's from which we would form views of people
When we only 'see' parts of people, it's easy to put them on a pedestal, there's the opportunity for our imaginations to go wild.
.
In terms of how do you trust yourself, you might look at all of your real life relationships, family friends colleagues etc and reassure yourself that you can judge peoples character well. You could also accept that your initial take on someone isn't always going to be correct as you start to get to know them
You might also take interacting with people online at a slower pace or be more mindful of New Relationship Energy and sub frenzy and hiw we're all affected by it

[Bwantsmore]

Everything CopperKnob has said.
Wise words 😃

[littlemiss37]

I had a 2montb dynamic and it didn't end nice for either of us . I have been wary but it has made me wise to pple on this and I will meet but if there actions don't match what they say then blocked and I'm focusing on me the now . If u ever need to talk pm me x

[Leisa]

When you’ve been deceived it can take awhile to get back to the level of trust you had before. It’s possible it will never come back. It’s been a year and I’m still a work in progress. Some days I feel ready to put myself back out there but most days I’m not. Eventually, I’ll either get there or I won’t. While it would be great to have a strong dynamic, I’ve realized I’m fine alone. I wish you the best. Take the time you need to step back and reflect.

[Deleted Member]

The way the story reads, you've been open and honest about what you want and need. He has said things that you want to hear in order to satisfy his own "sex" needs and not really considered yours. He uses the "being used for sex" card because he feels its is get out... Whereas it is he that is using you for that reason. As for trusting others... That's down to you to put him behind you, look in the mirror and tell yourself what you want and go get it... With someone who wants you for thst reason as opposed to his own agenda. You WILL connect with someone but you will come across guys like that all over the place. I wish you luck!