Musings Of An Idle Mind - Kink Or Vanilla

[ge****]

I don't start many threads, I'm more of a responder than a provoker but lately my idle mind has been musing over something and I can't quite come to a decision.
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That said I'm not looking for answers, more sharing thoughts and leaving the floor open and seeing where it goes.
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So my submissive side has been with me for a long time, some 30 years now, and in that time it's been touched on in terms of experiences a few times and I neither have a problem with that, or am completely satisfied with it either - but it is what it is and that I am content with.
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I'm also not one to go hunting for a dominant, any dominant, for me my submission runs deeper and needs to be with the right dominant for me.
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So this isn't a look at me, or pity poor me thread - I get how sites like this work and use them to interact with people via the forums etc not necessarily to find potential partners, though if the right one happened along it would be a bonus.
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Now my musings really are quite simple - I've been single for a few years now and am approaching a time in my life where having someone in it to share my life with would be a nice thing. Not necessarily for kink or even anything sexual, but for company.
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So I've very tentatively dipped my toe into the regular dating world but whenever I think about it, my mind wanders back to kink and whether I could really forego it completely and whether I am being completely honest with both myself and any potential vanilla (or otherwise) partners by dipping that toe.
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On the one hand I tell myself that despite my knowing I am submissive for 30 years for the most part it's been unfulfilled, and so I should be able to live without it - but on the other hand can I really do so, and should I give up on it being fulfilled.
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Yes I could make more of an effort in the kink world to find a partner, but we see threads daily about how easy that isn't - and I certainly don't want to go chasing every dominant within a certain radius in the hope of them being "the one"
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Or maybe it truly is a case of just carrying on as I am and who knows what's round the corner.

[Si****]

The world, and every day living is made up of compromises. I don’t believe there is a perfect person for each and everyone of us, most of us wind up settling and maybe that’s not such a bad thing if you don’t get exactly what you want. to have someone at 70 or 80% of ideal, is that such a bad thing?

[ge****]

6 minutes ago, Sir_Dom_Eyes said:

The world, and every day living is made up of compromises. I don’t believe there is a perfect person for each and everyone of us, most of us wind up settling and maybe that’s not such a bad thing if you don’t get exactly what you want. to have someone at 70 or 80% of ideal, is that such a bad thing?

Oh totally agree - but when that compromise comes down to kink or potentially no kink is kind of where my musings take me

[St****]

You said you were looking mainly for companionship. That kind of relationship doesn’t require kink. But you should always be open about who you are. It is hard finding a dominant as you have seen. I’m not saying you should hunt one but be true to who you are. Don’t try and hide yourself that way only leads to heartache on both sides.
If now is the time the universe will provide.

[ge****]

10 minutes ago, Stringlady13 said:

You said you were looking mainly for companionship. That kind of relationship doesn’t require kink. But you should always be open about who you are. It is hard finding a dominant as you have seen. I’m not saying you should hunt one but be true to who you are. Don’t try and hide yourself that way only leads to heartache on both sides.
If now is the time the universe will provide.

And that is kind of the dilemma - whilst my interest in kink is strong it's also not all encompassing and a must have at whatever the cost - so it comes down to whether to compromise kink for the sake of having someone in my life to provide the other needs such as companionship, or compromise those other needs until such time as they can be fulfilled with added kink
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It's not an overriding dilemma either, for now I'm (relatively) happy just bumbling along and seeing what life throws my way, even though finding something more (kink or not) would be nice, but is a dilemma I find it interesting to muse on all the same

[AKA_Copper]

I have these thoughts often and, I think...
I've been single for a while without kink because a play partner only isn't for me, and I'm OK.
So it comes down to, for me, the fact that I'm fine on my own. It would be nice to share life, experiences etc with someone but it's not a priority right now. So I don't actively "look" for anyone.
And then I think but, what about when i'm 70/80/90, will I have regrets? Being on my own reliant on the State to care for me, dying alone in hospital, a care home etc. Will I die at home, will I be found half eaten by the dogs?
And then there's the whole dating thing which I hate. I'd much rather skip ahead to the point where we're comfortable slobbing on the sofa eating ice cream in front of the fire watching a movie, not worrying about shaving my legs etc
And then, the whole potential heartbreak of a failed relationship or if he dies before me. But then if you don't try you won't suceed. But then I can't be arsed to try, not really.
And actually, I'm OK on my own and if someone turns up, great, if not also great because you know, dogs are great at snuggling on the sofa, they might want the icecream but you know, that's ok too, to a degree and there's always the place abroad where you can take control as to when your life ends and so it's not all doom and gloom.
I guess when it comes to a vanilla or a kinky partner, for me, I've done without it and maybe if a vanilla one comes along (please God, let the hydrotherapy guy be single) well then, the whole kink things not really gonna be so much of an issue. Maybe I'm seeing it as a want rather than a need right now as I've adjusted to being single again.

[ge****]

31 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I have these thoughts often and, I think...
I've been single for a while without kink because a play partner only isn't for me, and I'm OK.
So it comes down to, for me, the fact that I'm fine on my own. It would be nice to share life, experiences etc with someone but it's not a priority right now. So I don't actively "look" for anyone.
And then I think but, what about when i'm 70/80/90, will I have regrets? Being on my own reliant on the State to care for me, dying alone in hospital, a care home etc. Will I die at home, will I be found half eaten by the dogs?
And then there's the whole dating thing which I hate. I'd much rather skip ahead to the point where we're comfortable slobbing on the sofa eating ice cream in front of the fire watching a movie, not worrying about shaving my legs etc
And then, the whole potential heartbreak of a failed relationship or if he dies before me. But then if you don't try you won't suceed. But then I can't be arsed to try, not really.
And actually, I'm OK on my own and if someone turns up, great, if not also great because you know, dogs are great at snuggling on the sofa, they might want the icecream but you know, that's ok too, to a degree and there's always the place abroad where you can take control as to when your life ends and so it's not all doom and gloom.
I guess when it comes to a vanilla or a kinky partner, for me, I've done without it and maybe if a vanilla one comes along (please God, let the hydrotherapy guy be single) well then, the whole kink things not really gonna be so much of an issue. Maybe I'm seeing it as a want rather than a need right now as I've adjusted to being single again.

Kink vs Vanilla dilemma aside did you jump into my brain again because so much of that is the way I think, can see both sides of all the coins yet still remain conflicted to an extent, possibly because I can see it all ways up.
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Tell you what if we're still here in 10 years and in the same situation, I'll guarantee the ice cream and not being bothered about shaved legs if you choose the movie and make the fire 🤣😂

[AKA_Copper]

32 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Kink vs Vanilla dilemma aside did you jump into my brain again because so much of that is the way I think, can see both sides of all the coins yet still remain conflicted to an extent, possibly because I can see it all ways up.
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Tell you what if we're still here in 10 years and in the same situation, I'll guarantee the ice cream and not being bothered about shaved legs if you choose the movie and make the fire 🤣😂

I did and, I hate to tell you this but, it's as messy as mine and that helps me heaps 😂
The 10yrs thing, it's a deal but the last guy who said that to me, well he got married and, had the gall to invite me to the wedding so...
I'll be here dreaming of hydro guy and his wet suit

[ge****]

53 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I did and, I hate to tell you this but, it's as messy as mine and that helps me heaps 😂
The 10yrs thing, it's a deal but the last guy who said that to me, well he got married and, had the gall to invite me to the wedding so...
I'll be here dreaming of hydro guy and his wet suit

Well the alternative to the 10 years thing is the right now thing which prevents it happening to you again 🤣😂
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Mind you'll have to lose the wet suit fetish - I put one of those on and I'll likely get harpooned!! 🤣🤣

[Chloebear]

Gemini and copper 💕 a dream team ;)

But I’d also say imo it’s important to look for the person over the kink anyway, the connection and compatibility is most important if you want a relationship, matching kink won’t guarantee longevity (I know that’s not groundbreaking thinking). I know people that have met vanilla partners and introduced kink successfully, especially since we look for similar traits in others and many of us have openness as a character trait. It’s not impossible to meet the right person through kink, but it might be easier to find kink through the right person maybe?

[MisstressStorm]

I’ve been on the horns ( yes really) of the same dilemma, since I dismissed my sub. Decided to give my Sweet Alter Ego Miss Willow a last go at vanilla …
Bout 6 dates
Freaked Her out
Last vanilla date , hunky gardener …
He got roped and ***d ( with consent ) by Storm. Willow didn’t get a look in 😱
Now Domme is in my DNA - Willow might want a Love Match but , in reality, no one will connect with the duality that is me and … that’s okay 💪🏻⛈

[Deleted Member]

I'm in the same situation, long term single... Dating in your 50s is hard work, and all the interesting folk seem to be flippin' miles away! 

[br****]

Should always look past the quick nsa as much as it’s fun but there’s nothing better than gettin that connection and really exploreing things with each other

[ge****]

39 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

Gemini and copper 💕 a dream team ;)

But I’d also say imo it’s important to look for the person over the kink anyway, the connection and compatibility is most important if you want a relationship, matching kink won’t guarantee longevity (I know that’s not groundbreaking thinking). I know people that have met vanilla partners and introduced kink successfully, especially since we look for similar traits in others and many of us have openness as a character trait. It’s not impossible to meet the right person through kink, but it might be easier to find kink through the right person maybe?

Oh totally agree re the person is more important than the kink, and love the "It's not impossible to find the right person through kink, but it might be easier to find kink through the right person" notion....but that's part of the dilemma - what if you are unable to find kink through that person? Will that right person become the wrong person?
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Know I've said I "think" I can forego kink but I don't *know* I can and that's part of what gives me pause for thought.

[Se****]

I want to tell you the answer - because I want to know the answer. But I don’t.

I know that for me I’ve (effectively) lived in the vanilla lane my whole life despite being blatantly aware of my sub side for the past at least 10 years.

I want “normal” to fulfil me because life would be so much easier but…

Come find me when you find the answer 😘

[MisstressStorm]

Amen ☹️

[br****]

3 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I want to tell you the answer - because I want to know the answer. But I don’t.

I know that for me I’ve (effectively) lived in the vanilla lane my whole life despite being blatantly aware of my sub side for the past at least 10 years.

I want “normal” to fulfil me because life would be so much easier but…

Come find me when you find the answer 😘

Drop me a dm

[Se****]

13 minutes ago, breed89 said:

Drop me a dm

Thanks. 

But, no. 

Also, don’t hijack someone’s thread

[ge****]

1 hour ago, MisstressStorm said:

I’ve been on the horns ( yes really) of the same dilemma, since I dismissed my sub. Decided to give my Sweet Alter Ego Miss Willow a last go at vanilla …
Bout 6 dates
Freaked Her out
Last vanilla date , hunky gardener …
He got roped and ***d ( with consent ) by Storm. Willow didn’t get a look in 😱
Now Domme is in my DNA - Willow might want a Love Match but , in reality, no one will connect with the duality that is me and … that’s okay 💪🏻⛈

I guess though that your last vanilla date showed that through vanilla you can find kink though and that a love match that encompasses both is not necessarily impossible

[ge****]

55 minutes ago, Ursa said:

I'm in the same situation, long term single... Dating in your 50s is hard work, and all the interesting folk seem to be flippin' miles away! 

And then we make it even harder by reducing the potentials with a desire for kink 🤔🙄

[ge****]

36 minutes ago, breed89 said:

Should always look past the quick nsa as much as it’s fun but there’s nothing better than gettin that connection and really exploreing things with each other

But this isn't about NSA - been there, seen it, done it on the swinging scene - it's also not about finding a connection, which of course is important, but the dilemma of finding that connection but having to compromise where kink is concerned or potentially vice versa

[ge****]

30 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I want to tell you the answer - because I want to know the answer. But I don’t.

I know that for me I’ve (effectively) lived in the vanilla lane my whole life despite being blatantly aware of my sub side for the past at least 10 years.

I want “normal” to fulfil me because life would be so much easier but…

Come find me when you find the answer 😘

And that's the thing, I'm not sure there *is* an answer....if only it were that easy eh? 🤷‍♂️

[Se****]

8 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

And that's the thing, I'm not sure there *is* an answer....if only it were that easy eh? 🤷‍♂️

Yep 😞

[br****]

The kinks are what we all enjoy but we can hold back and explore stuff together if the connections right can end up finding out that you enjoy other things once your comfortable with the right person where as nsa is just nsa been in relationship where we could enjoy other partners etc and it turned us on more for each other once you can accept it’s all for enjoyment

[AKA_Copper]

3 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Thanks. 

But, no. 

Also, don’t hijack someone’s thread

I feel called out!😂