BDSM and Autism (Part 1)

[kree90]

Intro:

There are two different types of Autism. Autism with a learning disability, and autism without a learning disability. The following parts are based on similarities within the lives of those of us with autism but without a learning disability. While it looks different for all of us, because we are all unique, I wanted to share my own experiences with autism and BDSM with the purpose of bringing awareness to the autistic people within the community. There are more of us than we even realize.

I hope to give people insight if they are curious enough for it, in (hopefully) bite-sized chunks. Writing is sort of my thing, though, and I’m passionate about this subject, but I’ll try very hard to maintain your attention with smallish parts. Unless you want more. I’ve got autism and I’ve hyper-focused on psychology and…well, that’s a whole other monster 😊

I often get the “I wouldn’t have even thought you were autistic” comments, and I want to change what autism looks like to the average person (including anyone struggling with their diagnosis).  So, here is me: I am a sub. I have grown within the community for the last 11 years, but I’ve known since a young teenager I was just a little different than other girls my age. I struggle with CPTSD, which will be woven throughout the series a little, but I plan to do another series about CPTSD and BDSM to create more awareness about it. Because, again, there are more of us than even we realize.

Today, the day I decided to write this series, is my last day in college classes before I graduate with my BA in Psychology (with a focus on mental health). I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism until I was 32, as it isn’t uncommon for females to be missed. It presents differently in different genders AND different people.

I’m also a single mom of an autistic little boy. I work full-time in a job that I love and make good money and that has opportunities for growth. I have goals, BIG goals. Publishing novels is one of them. Being a researcher in psychology. Helping people heal from childhood trauma. Healing generational trauma in societies. I have autism, but I can accomplish every single one of my goals, stated or otherwise.

Basically, we get all A’s in the same classes as you, too.

I have friends. I have always gotten along with everyone well. I’m considerate of others and I can empathize with them. I’m not emotionally stunted from autism. I’m also human with very human flaws. I make mistakes, but it’s certain they are always with the best intentions. I can take responsibility for myself and my behavior, and autism isn’t an excuse for a chronic crappy attitude or mistreating others.

So…I appear “normal”. I look it. I act like it (as much as I can). I’m intelligent, competent, nice...but I struggle to maintain eye contact with you even though I want to. Friendship only goes so deep with 99.9 percent of my friends, because I struggle to stop masking long enough to let you know me. I’m getting better at that, just being me. I’m incredibly hypersensitive to sounds, touch, and lights. I am known at work for my use of detail, same for the editing phase of my writing. I hyper-fixate on certain topics and it can be hard to get my brain to focus on anything else. Below you can find some other common traits that occur with Autism.

·         Difficulty with the back-and-forth exchange of conversation

·         Difficulty with nonverbal conversation skills

·         clumsiness

·         Anxiety and depression

·         Difficulty with social interactions

·         Restricted interests

·         Desire for sameness

·         Distinctive strengths

·         Remarkable focus and persistence

·         Aptitude for recognizing patterns

 

Understanding Autism & my journey within BDSM so far.

I usually don't like surprises. I like everything to be clear, planned, and expected. I want to know every little detail about everything so I can be sure I am ready, to be sure I know how I'm going to react. Ready for social engagement, ready on a mental level, just ready in general, you know?

You also know life doesn't work like that. I can control what I can control, but I can't prepare for absolutely everything, as much as I'd like to. When life hits me...it really does a number. I don't think that's really surprising, though. Being overwhelmed by life is a universal experience. We can all relate to that, regardless of whether you're neurodiverse or neurotypical. 

But I'm not neurotypical. I have spent my whole life trying to hone skills to make up for what my brain can't understand. Autistic people sometimes have a really hard time putting themselves in the shoes of others.  Even the phrase "in the shoes of others" makes me visually see myself LITERALLY putting on someone else's shoes instead of the concept of trying to understand how someone else feels. I hate the fact that I have CPTSD and childhood trauma because it obviously sucks, but I've considered more than once how it helped me find ways around "limitations" I'd otherwise face, or balanced out weaknesses I had. Especially once I began addressing that trauma and SAW the ways I could utilize how the trauma helped shape my brain. How I could utilize the strengths I'd developed because of it, while simultaneously getting rid of unwanted behavioral patterns. Also, my autism plays a huge part in my obsession with psychology (in that I hyper-focus on it, and in turn, hyper-focus on my healing). 

My need to control everything, with the main goal of controlling how *I* react, is to ease some of the anxiety and difficulties I have with social situations. Literally, if I am not alone, it's considered a social situation to me. And I MUST prepare for it. You can imagine the internal arguments I have with myself at the beginning of any D/s relationship. I *crave* submitting. It brings me a peace that takes soooo much effort to obtain in other situations. The eventual structure and trust that's part of a healthy dynamic is something that I thrive on. For autistic people, routine is huge. It is for me. Like most people, some days I handle disruptions better than other days. Unlike neurotypical people, disruptions in my routine can lead to meltdowns. On the days I have a really hard time handling the disruptions, meltdowns are a flight/fight reaction. My reaction is one of flight, fawning, or freezing. Sometimes all three on really fun days. But it takes a lot of unseen work on my part to build relationships of any type, and maintaining those relationships can be just as difficult.

You can imagine what it must be like for me to have a partner who is transparent, understanding of this, and thrives on routine himself. I like rules, and most Doms like giving rules, even for just the fun of it. I like knowing what's coming. Knowing if I behave a certain way, there will be a certain outcome. It makes me feel SO safe and secure. It lets me be myself without fear of judgment. I can be open, communicative, and unafraid. I don't have to worry if I have the mental space to have strong social skills today. I KNOW what happens. I know the outcomes.

So, that leads to part one of the series.

Communication.

CLICK HERE for Part 2

 

[Sirbeavis]

I'm autistic myself so I can relate to this.

[Ki****]

That was a very good read. A very very good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly and learned a lot would like to read more.

[Sailor-8114]

I love this! Great read! I have high functioning autism! Published author, martial arts and very successful in my career. I haven't actually had sex yet but done plenty of fetish stuff because of being neurodivergent.

[Goddess_Fifi]

Thank you for sharing your story, I have a son has Autism, he's almost 24.

[Va****]

High functioning Asperger’s here...
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This is starting to look like role call.
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Keep writing what I’m thinking please.
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It makes it less lonely.

[he****]

Not sure if I am or not but would like to be able to get diagnosed and or told I’m not someday(because I’ve been told I am and I’m not by medical professionals), either way lots of support to all from me

[Rzero]

Very interesting topic. I look forward to reading more. As a neurodivergent myself (ADHD,) I find the topic fascinating. ASD and ADHD share some traits in common and often comorbidity, so it's great to learn how ASD relates to and affects kink dynamics. I could write volumes about the dubious joys of domming with ADHD myself. In fact, I might do just that. Do let us know here in the thread when part one is out.

[kree90]

Rz, as your former sub, I can help you write that  that actually may be extremely informative to people.

[me****]

Very interesting so far. I’m keen to read part 2.

I’m self-diagnosed ASD and am officially ADHD of the inattentive type. The former is a pretty recent insight and I’ve been finding that kink maps pretty well onto the sensory quirks that seem to go along with it. I know we’re as unique a group of people you could ever find, but I’m curious if others are into any form of wet and messy play? I am myself, hence the curiosity. If so, I’d love to hear thoughts on how that seems to be enhanced or even just informed by your ASD.

I was talking with someone autistic a few weeks ago about her love of impact play and how it seems to map onto her autism. I don’t have the same affinity for it myself, but I have been thinking more and more lately about giving it another go. Having learned more about autism recently, I think I have a better idea now on what context I might enjoy it in. For me receiving an occasional slap of the ass might be fine while actively engaged in penetrative sex, but too much of it can be a distraction and actively lowers my arousal. For that reason, being slapped in the face in the act is very much a no-go for me. I don’t know what it’s like for folks with vaginas, but having a penis during penetration and having anything that potentially reduces my erection, even temporarily, really kind of ruins things for me, not to mention my partner.

However, I think some dedicated time as completely separate act of foreplay might be nice. Having some space to build up where it doesn’t explicitly matter if I lose my erection temporarily would be cool. That would give me a better chance to learn what I really like and dislike about it.

Hopefully I’m not just echoing part 2 and/or the comments therein. I just got excited about the topic. Thank you again for sharing!

[kree90]

Hi everyone, the second part is up. The Fetmod added a link at the bottom of this post for easy access  

[kree90]

1 hour ago, messieranddressier said:

Very interesting so far. I’m keen to read part 2.

I’m self-diagnosed ASD and am officially ADHD of the inattentive type. The former is a pretty recent insight and I’ve been finding that kink maps pretty well onto the sensory quirks that seem to go along with it. I know we’re as unique a group of people you could ever find, but I’m curious if others are into any form of wet and messy play? I am myself, hence the curiosity. If so, I’d love to hear thoughts on how that seems to be enhanced or even just informed by your ASD.

I was talking with someone autistic a few weeks ago about her love of impact play and how it seems to map onto her autism. I don’t have the same affinity for it myself, but I have been thinking more and more lately about giving it another go. Having learned more about autism recently, I think I have a better idea now on what context I might enjoy it in. For me receiving an occasional slap of the ass might be fine while actively engaged in penetrative sex, but too much of it can be a distraction and actively lowers my arousal. For that reason, being slapped in the face in the act is very much a no-go for me. I don’t know what it’s like for folks with vaginas, but having a penis during penetration and having anything that potentially reduces my erection, even temporarily, really kind of ruins things for me, not to mention my partner.

However, I think some dedicated time as completely separate act of foreplay might be nice. Having some space to build up where it doesn’t explicitly matter if I lose my erection temporarily would be cool. That would give me a better chance to learn what I really like and dislike about it.

Hopefully I’m not just echoing part 2 and/or the comments therein. I just got excited about the topic. Thank you again for sharing!

I lovvveeee impact play and sensory deprivation. Both at once are even better! I get so much input from just my general surroundings that sensory deprivation is like...a vacation for me lol

[kree90]

*I would also like to clarify that when I start this off with "there are two different types of autism" I'm just meaning with or without a learning disability. I can't edit my original post, so wanted to clarify  

[lo****]

On the spectrum myself, and haven't had much chance to try things I think I would find peaceful as a sub. The problem is finding that Dom near me who is what I need and I can feel safe and cared for in their hands and trust them with my vulnerable state.

One of these days. *fingers crossed*

[ar****]

Struggling to maintain eye contact is a common trait in neurodiverse persons. I am curious to know more about this. Is it an inability to focus on maintaining the eye contact, or is eye contact in itself rather unpleasant, overwhelming or even considered too intimate/private to do? For those who struggle with eye contact: do/can you engage in eye gazing with your partner? Why (not)? 🤔

[me****]

I may differ from others with this, but I usually only struggle to maintain eye contact when I’m the one talking and sometimes if we’re both silent. If the other person is talking I usually have no problem looking them in the eye. I do tend to drift over time though if there is other activity around me or if I start to lose focus on the conversation. So for me, I think it’s mostly focus based.

That being said, if someone is telling me something that’s difficult for me to hear or difficult for them to say and are outwardly emotional about it, I’ll tend to hyper focus on the changes in their expression and that can be very distracting. The idea of autistic people lacking empathy is a pervasive myth. Some certainly struggle with it more than others, but I would hazard to say that it’s not for lack of trying. When I see those subtle changes in expression I start to feel anxious that I don’t know for certain what they mean and am rapidly trying to figure it out. So, it becomes another distraction and I often need to look away to maintain my attention to the person’s words.

[me****]

That question of eye contact also brings up other interesting questions for how that plays out in a D/s relationship. I know some folks require their subs to avert their gaze constantly, but others may require a certain amount of eye contact in some circumstances.

[kree90]

7 hours ago, arnhem961 said:

Struggling to maintain eye contact is a common trait in neurodiverse persons. I am curious to know more about this. Is it an inability to focus on maintaining the eye contact, or is eye contact in itself rather unpleasant, overwhelming or even considered too intimate/private to do? For those who struggle with eye contact: do/can you engage in eye gazing with your partner? Why (not)? 🤔

The eye contact itself is unpleasant and too intimate. I try hard to look at people at least for just a few seconds while I'm talking to them, but the more they look at me, the less I can look at them. I can meet a partner's eyes, but not for as long as they'd like. As I get more comfortable with someone, I think less about it and am more at ease, but those intimate moments happen and I still have to look away.

[kree90]

2 hours ago, messieranddressier said:

I may differ from others with this, but I usually only struggle to maintain eye contact when I’m the one talking and sometimes if we’re both silent. If the other person is talking I usually have no problem looking them in the eye. I do tend to drift over time though if there is other activity around me or if I start to lose focus on the conversation. So for me, I think it’s mostly focus based.

That being said, if someone is telling me something that’s difficult for me to hear or difficult for them to say and are outwardly emotional about it, I’ll tend to hyper focus on the changes in their expression and that can be very distracting. The idea of autistic people lacking empathy is a pervasive myth. Some certainly struggle with it more than others, but I would hazard to say that it’s not for lack of trying. When I see those subtle changes in expression I start to feel anxious that I don’t know for certain what they mean and am rapidly trying to figure it out. So, it becomes another distraction and I often need to look away to maintain my attention to the person’s words.

I feeeeeellllll this! Autistic people do not lack empathy. There is research pointing to autistic people having more empathy than the average person sometimes. I personally have a lot of empathy for people...to the point I've been told multiple times on multiple occasions that people feel they can just open up to me. I think life has a lot to do with how each of us presents our autism in daily life, and some of us certainly do have more struggles in different areas than others. I have a ton of empathy, but I have always struggled to be able to tell intentions. Distractions can be a huge part of struggles, too. Too much sensory input because of distractions can cause a lot of us (me included) to meltdown. 

[ar****]

2 hours ago, kree90 said:

The eye contact itself is unpleasant and too intimate. I try hard to look at people at least for just a few seconds while I'm talking to them, but the more they look at me, the less I can look at them. I can meet a partner's eyes, but not for as long as they'd like. As I get more comfortable with someone, I think less about it and am more at ease, but those intimate moments happen and I still have to look away.

Cool, I wonder if there's any "merit" to the saying that "eyes are the window to the soul". NT's can think you not looking at their eyes is rude, while actually you prefer not to engage in something that is a pretty intimate interaction for you.
.
So with your partner, if you still (have to) look away in those intimate moments, what would that potentially mean? Are you not 100% comfortable/trusting your partner to fully be intimate with them, are you ashamed/insecure of something that you won't share with anyone, or is the intimacy level too much for you to handle?