The "Perfect" Dom

[AKA_Copper]

If your idea of the perfect Dominant play partner or life partner, is based on the idea that they are only suitable/compatible if they never show any cracks or weaknesses, then you’re working with a massively harmful stereotype that is based on nothing other than something out of Hollywood as opposed to anything remotely healthy or based in any kind of reality. Even Mr Grey learnt to express hinself eventually.

We all know that the patriarchy hurts non-men just as much as it does men of all kinds. Societal conditioning suggests that men should always be strong, always have the answers, to use their will to push through everything with both grit and determination, to be the hardest and boldest and never fall down. Adhering to that is a killer. Literally. It creates a cycle of damage and danger to all aspects of health, and not just for the man trying to live up to those standards.

Adding the pressure of that and more to Doms is just a recipe for disaster.

It’s not breaking news that pretending to be OK (remember "it's OK not to be OK?") and in-charge all the time destroys all of us. But the expectation persists because yet another facet of this outdated idea of masculinity tells us that talking about emotions or even thinking about them, is not befitting of “a real man” let alone a Dtype.

Within a kink framework, there seems to be this idea that the best kind of Dominant is the kind that never betrays any form of vulnerability or fault. They must oppose any challenge to their dominance, always have the answers, always be in power over their submissives. It seems that this has become the ideal for those people looking for their Dominant. Do Dominants smile? Why can't Dominants lead a conversation? Can Dominants be ***? Are forum posts from just this past week from both sides of the slash.

If you’re looking for, or trying to be a Dominant that will never show any form of weakness or fault then you’re likely looking for, or are, a Dominant that is a ticking time bomb in some way or another because nobody can keep up that facade forever.

Human beings are complex and full of emotions, wants and needs. Sometimes Doms need care. Sometimes they need comfort. It's OK as submissives that we clap back. If you ask me, (I know you didn't), that’s going to make a much stronger bond than trying to make an ideal work in the real world.

[TwistedKing]

You post is spot on. When I do negotiations, I discuss aftercare for each of us. I agree with you that we as Doms also need aftercare such as a hand /wrist or arm massage after a flogging session. Dom / Top drop is also just as real as sub drop. I appreciate you broaching the topic.

[AKA_Copper]

6 minutes ago, TwistedKing said:

You post is spot on. When I do negotiations, I discuss aftercare for each of us. I agree with you that we as Doms also need aftercare such as a hand /wrist or arm massage after a flogging session. Dom / Top drop is also just as real as sub drop. I appreciate you broaching the topic.

It's more than simply aftercare I think. It's everything. D/s (to me) has to start from an equal footing. In every relationship, there'll be times where I have nothing to give, I come home from a bad day at work, my partner picks up the slack and vice versa. Subs aren't *** beings, we can't expect someone else to take the wheel all the time. We're adults and we need to take control of situations within day to day life.

[TwistedKing]

Again, you're absolutely right; I mentioned aftercare as just one facet. 

[ic****]

Yeah, nicely put. It's really weird on here. This open minded place full of comments pigeon holing everyone. Cracking! Have to laugh.
It strikes me in this day and age society spend so much time creating labels they are in fact creating difference. Really counter productive. Maybe it's time to refer to the body of flesh and *** to your left and right as a person, and yes, they will have a personality, you might like it, you might not.
But what do I know, I'm a middle age white cis male, I've got everything (rolls eyes).

[ic****]

Sorry, went off the beaten track there. Haha

[AKA_Copper]

2 minutes ago, icallshotgun said:

Yeah, nicely put. It's really weird on here. This open minded place full of comments pigeon holing everyone. Cracking! Have to laugh.
It strikes me in this day and age society spend so much time creating labels they are in fact creating difference. Really counter productive. Maybe it's time to refer to the body of flesh and *** to your left and right as a person, and yes, they will have a personality, you might like it, you might not.
But what do I know, I'm a middle age white cis male, I've got everything (rolls eyes).

Don't get me started on white cishet males, I get told off! 😂😂

[Se****]

Oh how I’ve missed you.

Another writing that lets me realise I’m not alone in my thinking.

I’ve read a couple of posts recently that have given me pause for thought - seriously, we are all people, humans at the end of the day not one single thing defines us and each of us is unique. I do feel a lot of these “questions” could be answered by remembering we’re speaking with a real life person not simply a Dom/sub/switch etc personification.

Do Dom’s smile?? My guess would be yes, most do if they have something to smile for like any other human. Although profile pics tend to play to a stereotype of supposed masculinity and moodiness.

Same for leading a conversation - it’s a dance not a military operation.

And as regards vulnerability - anyone can not show their *** side and vice versa. It isn’t purely a trait for a specific kink type.

At the end of the day we all have an idea in our head of what the ideal Dom/sub (etc) will be like and what we align to be dominant/submissive traits but that’s personal preference as opposed to blanket generalisations.

Personally - a person who can verbalise their feelings towards/about me is a thousand times more attractive than some mean and moody stereotypical man who can’t show emotion.

[Se****]

19 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

It's more than simply aftercare I think. It's everything. D/s (to me) has to start from an equal footing. In every relationship, there'll be times where I have nothing to give, I come home from a bad day at work, my partner picks up the slack and vice versa. Subs aren't *** beings, we can't expect someone else to take the wheel all the time. We're adults and we need to take control of situations within day to day life.

This reminds me of something I saw recently on social media (who knows what site) about a couple who come home from work and greet each other then discuss what % “availability” they have to give to the relationship and family/home life that day. Ideally it will always add up to 100% but some days north are drained and one or the other needs to work a little harder to ensure everything is done and dealt with in the way it needs to be. 

I likely haven’t explained that will but it was an interesting watch. 

[AKA_Copper]

1 minute ago, FatefulDestiny said:

This reminds me of something I saw recently on social media (who knows what site) about a couple who come home from work and greet each other then discuss what % “availability” they have to give to the relationship and family/home life that day. Ideally it will always add up to 100% but some days north are drained and one or the other needs to work a little harder to ensure everything is done and dealt with in the way it needs to be. 

I likely haven’t explained that will but it was an interesting watch. 

You did, It's Brene Brown. I saw it a few days ago again who knows where, but she makes an awful lot of sense. I need to get her books, much to learn from her

[Se****]

Just now, CopperKnob said:

You did, It's Brene Brown. I saw it a few days ago again who knows where, but she makes an awful lot of sense. I need to get her books, much to learn from her

Well what do you know - I didn’t just make it up. However you’re more well read than I. I shall stick to the erotic romance and social media clips 😉

[Da****]

We as a couple communicate a lot, if one of us has an off day on play day, we always let that one decide wat we are going to do. Most of the time we end up talking. En showing are feelings. And listen and support each other. And the slave does daily household work. Slave works from home, so the slave can make his schedule around the household. And the mistress goes to work and works in shifts. We have to support each other. And communication is a big key, balance and no stereotypical behaviour.

[AKA_Copper]

1 minute ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Well what do you know - I didn’t just make it up. However you’re more well read than I. I shall stick to the erotic romance and social media clips 😉

I'll be honest, I read as much rubbish as the next person. Most of my "intellectual" books I start I've not finished 😂

[Se****]

6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I'll be honest, I read as much rubbish as the next person. Most of my "intellectual" books I start I've not finished 😂

🤣🤣🤣 my kind of person 🥂

[AKA_Copper]

3 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

🤣🤣🤣 my kind of person 🥂

I mean, there's lot's I don't finish. A glass if wine is one. That's my current priority that I'm working on 🥂😂

[Se****]

Just now, CopperKnob said:

I mean, there's lot's I don't finish. A glass if wine is one. That's my current priority that I'm working on 🥂😂

You need to work hard on that. It’s a very important skill to master

[kree90]

My previous Dom struggles with executive function and during our dynamic, we agreed that he could "earn" housework from me, or whatever else he needed. In theory, it was a good idea. It would keep both of us healthy and happy, and I certainly didn't mind supporting him in it.

[AKA_Copper]

10 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

You need to work hard on that. It’s a very important skill to master

Definitely! We're all here for self improvement whilst waiting for our Master to drop into our DM's and take away all our worries with steely eyes, a hard grimace and growly voice

[AKA_Copper]

8 minutes ago, kree90 said:

My previous Dom struggles with executive function and during our dynamic, we agreed that he could "earn" housework from me, or whatever else he needed. In theory, it was a good idea. It would keep both of us healthy and happy, and I certainly didn't mind supporting him in it.

Exactly this, give and take. One person supporting the other in one area and the other person supporting in another area. Partnerships are like a seesaw

[Ae****]

People asking questions about what a dom should do or how they should act because they aren't sure is perfectly fine. Thinking askers have harmful stereotypes and and are seeking perfection is reading something into this that simply isn't there, and is a disservice to the people asking. Just be helpful and answer their questions. Doms aren't perfect, and people who ask questions are not all-knowing, or bad for wondering things.

[Deleted Member]

Great post ty .

[DeviantInside]

As a “Dom” “Master” “Daddy” of at least a reasonable number of years experience the best relationships I have been in have been where we are people first and the kink side has been an extension of who we are. All our quirks, foibles, kinks, idiosyncrasies and peccadillos. But also recognising out strengths and failings too. And then even beyond that recognising that we are both human and have actual personal thoughts, feelings, emotions, triggers and insecurities. This unrealistic views that Dom is perfect, infallible and entirely beyond reproach, emotions or feelings is (in my opinion) unrealistic and unhealthy. I’m the same way that thinking submissive is somehow inferior. Neither is true. I’m a Dom. Recently a very good friend of mine for 15-20 years passed away. He was a major part of my introduction to the wider kink world and I have so many amazing memories because of him. I am not weaker or less of a Dom because I feel grief. Of anyone loses respect for me because of that then that opinion of theirs is not worth my consideration. I only want people in my life that accept me for who I am and all I am. If I have to pretend to be something else or keep up some idealised unrealistic facade then whatever relationship was there was never real in the first place.

[do****]

Great post CK. I can only speak for me. I'll tell any woman that ask, it's two equal sides to the coin, I can smile just as much as I growl, I can laugh just as much as I cry, and I can yell just as much as I talk. I respond off the energy given. I'm dominant through and through, no shame in my game and will honestly answer any questions asked. Like what was previously stated, we are all flawed humans first. Part of being who we are is understanding and accepting that fact, and building off of it. I do not care how you identify, Rule #1 will always be know thy self. If not, how can you even begin to know another? You cannot. Won't work. Imo, it be the people that do not know themselves and this LS that have the most problems. Why? Because your perception and expectations are flawed

[Th****]

18 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

It's more than simply aftercare I think. It's everything. D/s (to me) has to start from an equal footing. In every relationship, there'll be times where I have nothing to give, I come home from a bad day at work, my partner picks up the slack and vice versa. Subs aren't *** beings, we can't expect someone else to take the wheel all the time. We're adults and we need to take control of situations within day to day life.

So much this and the comment that relationships are like seesaws. 

 

There will absolutely be times when even a dominant needs to not have to make any more decisions and choices or their decision or choice can be to delegate. It's only practical to delegate according to the individuals' strengths, regardless of role or side of the slash. 

[Th****]

15 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

As a “Dom” “Master” “Daddy” of at least a reasonable number of years experience the best relationships I have been in have been where we are people first and the kink side has been an extension of who we are. All our quirks, foibles, kinks, idiosyncrasies and peccadillos. But also recognising out strengths and failings too. And then even beyond that recognising that we are both human and have actual personal thoughts, feelings, emotions, triggers and insecurities. This unrealistic views that Dom is perfect, infallible and entirely beyond reproach, emotions or feelings is (in my opinion) unrealistic and unhealthy. I’m the same way that thinking submissive is somehow inferior. Neither is true. I’m a Dom. Recently a very good friend of mine for 15-20 years passed away. He was a major part of my introduction to the wider kink world and I have so many amazing memories because of him. I am not weaker or less of a Dom because I feel grief. Of anyone loses respect for me because of that then that opinion of theirs is not worth my consideration. I only want people in my life that accept me for who I am and all I am. If I have to pretend to be something else or keep up some idealised unrealistic facade then whatever relationship was there was never real in the first place.

👏👏👏👏 Yes, very well said.