Domme, Dominatrix & Domination

[Dusky]

I have had many conversations disentangling the misconceptions around domme, dominant, dominatrix and Top. While there are many subjective nuances--as well as obvious differences--I thought to ask those of us who define ourselves as one or all of these to be willing to streamline our language and, perhaps, our potential subs' expectations.

Personally, I like to think about BDSM in terms of "specialties," as opposed to roles, costumes, role play or personal preferences like sexual positions or power dynamics. There are many ways to be dominant and equally many ways of being Domme, however, I do think there is a common underlying thread. Some dominants excel in rope and knotwork, while others can use restraints, cuffs, spreaders and wraps to achieve similar effects; some wield a flogger, paddle, whip, cat-o-nine-tails or crop with such precision that they can raise a welt or blood precisely as requested and many who can command a room with poise, presence and unquestionable authority wearing elaborate attire or nothing at all. There are those who embody dominance wearing costumes, masks, high heels, lab coats, seran wrap, latex and lace; and others who use strap-ons, clamps, beads, pegging or plugs to assert their sexual prominence and top their bottoms. It is important to determine what are the parameters of playtime,  the agreed-upon bonds of trust and consent (even CNC requires willing players first!) and what, exactly, turns you collectively on.

But BDSM is really a mindgame--and that is where I reign. What they want is to be held in a palm that is sure, powerful and accepts responsibility for initiation, follow-through and aftercare. (So often men ask to "explore their submissive side," which simply translates to not having to make all the decisions all the time. Perhaps better explored in another thread.)  I speak directly to that part of the brain that feels and is curious, excited and wonders. I invite consent and ceding control, if only for a little while, in order to tap into what people really, secretly, desperately want. (I can go into another thread to talk about what "restraint" really means.) No one knows what you want in your heart of hearts but you--teasing that out, coaxed beyond the threshold of timid acquiescence, invented by you and I to exacting detail is something completely unlike what is spoon-fed as titillation,  someone else's idea of "hot." My expertise is building trust, willing consent and creating sensory bliss that is meaningful and tailored to one person: you.

How do you self-identify and what is your super power expertise?

[Po****]

I loved this thread of yours. I'm on this same page, which you so articulately and eloquently describe. I think these are important things to be discussed and they will save time and cut through. If your method is practiced, then, trust will be established quickly.

[Be****]

For me, it's very much a mental thing, though on a good day, you might raise that to a spiritual. The actual activities taking place are less relevant then the connection - they will change with each individual and session in any case.
I get my pleasure from giving pleasure, so if in a dominant role, I need to have that feedback that the person I'm with is having a great time, however that might appear to an outsider. When submissive, yes, it can feel lazy sometimes, but again, it give me great pleasure knowing that someone is getting what they want out of me and I can feed off that even if the immediate physical effect on me might not be so pleasurable. It's complicated but it's powerful.
I've had to settle for switch as a label but I can's say I like being constrained by words!

[ey****]

Around 50 years ago, there were a lot of kink communities where it was always a case of "choose the title which you're most comfortable with" - obviously there's some stuff which mismatches.   But a lot of the point is there isn't a streamline, attempts to do so just ends up creating more confusion and people should be looked at beyond their title to themselves as a person.

Obviously there are some common meanings. A Dominatrix, for example, is typically a Pro Domme so someone seeking a Dominatrix should not be surprised people assume they want paid sessions.  

But that of course everyone, sub and Domme alike, have their own likes and expertise.

[Do****]

Completely with you on this. I want to know the sub, what makes them tick, what they enjoy about submission, what kinks excite or intrigue them. I want to design experiences together that will meet my needs whilst exciting them. Sometimes new things for me to try, to make that happen, and sometimes more things for them to try. So yes there is a power dynamic, and that dynamic is used to deliver and experience we both enjoy.