Dominants - have a look from your submisive's perspective.

[da****]

This is directed to all Doms. Take a few minutes and mentally put yourself in your subs spot. Allow yourself to experience everything that you have willingly and knowingly put them through. Being a Dom a lot of times we don't acknowledge how our subs see us or feel about what we put them through. I want to know after you do this what you see. Do you see where your sub may have a hard time accepting what we ask or tell them to? Why do you feel that they feel that way? What about it do you see is wrong or that you can correct to make your sub more comfortable? If you were a sub and someone did that to you how would you feel about it? How would you react? Why would you react that way? What feelings do you get with that thought? Do you feel that you can change it? Now have you ever sat down and actually talked to your sub? If you haven't then from my own perspective and personal experiences maybe you should. Your sub will be honest with you about how he or she feels. Their not going to hurt you or change you if anything their willing to make you a better Dom. Subs have given us their trust and consent to dominate over them so we as Doms need to put the same level of trust in them and trust that they would try to do us wrong or hurt us but make us a better Dom. I know it will be hard but believe me it will be well worth it if you do this and actually take what they say to heart.

What are your thoughts?

[Deleted Member]

Reading this makes me feel like, i might have stumbled across the wrong brand of dom for my first experience,
?
No disrespect or shade in his direction, but…with it being that I’m new, learning, and truly am an inexperienced fledgling in this rather captivating realm of exploration….I have questions as to if I could have potentially…just..not been treated with the respect subs are actually given?
It’s been expressed to me through speaking with other individuals and doing my own inquiries to gain a better understanding…that it could be a, less than respectful situation? I don’t…know?

Am I wrong to voice?

[4R****]

21 minutes ago, JustJade69 said:

Reading this makes me feel like, i might have stumbled across the wrong brand of dom for my first experience,
?
No disrespect or shade in his direction, but…with it being that I’m new, learning, and truly am an inexperienced fledgling in this rather captivating realm of exploration….I have questions as to if I could have potentially…just..not been treated with the respect subs are actually given?
It’s been expressed to me through speaking with other individuals and doing my own inquiries to gain a better understanding…that it could be a, less than respectful situation? I don’t…know?

Am I wrong to voice?

Cue the stream of messages in your inbox from thirsty blokes telling you how they are a far better "true" Dom......

Before you read them, read this.......

www.fetish.com/topic/33610-an-introduction-to-bdsm-arch-style/

 

and then this.......

www.fetish.com/topic/28144-what-can-a-submissive-demand/

 

And you might find these useful too.....

www.fetish.com/topic/26336-what-makes-a-good-dom/

www.fetish.com/topic/27936-frenzy-buyer’s-remorse/

www.fetish.com/topic/27003-fifty-shades-of-nope/

 

Hope that helps

 

[da****]

JustJade69 I honestly don't think that your in speaking about it nor in asking questions to find out what other people think whether your a Dom or a sub. Honestly I feel that it makes the person stronger and wiser cause not only does it take strength to ask around and talk about it but it's a learning curve to.

I didn't get to be the Dom I am today without doing some talking and asking around and messing up with my subs. Trust me I haven't always been this understanding or open minded with my subs but I learned and I cataloged everything and self examined then started to correct. No Dom will ever understand or learn from their mistakes if subs don't voice their opinions.

[Du****]

I feel a Dom(me) should educate him/herself up till the point that you are sure you dont make a lot of mistakes, as a Dom(me) you have a responsibility to do what is best for your sub(s) to make them grow and shine.. "messing up" can damage them mentaly or physically, im not saying little mistakes cant happen because every submissive is different and needs to be treated differently, but as a message to both inexperienced Dom(me)s and subs out there.. just taking the lets get started and learn from our mistakes attitude is absolutely not the way to go it can be extremely dangerous.

[Je****]

10 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

Allow yourself to experience everything that you have willingly and knowingly put them through. Being a Dom a lot of times we don't acknowledge how our subs see us or feel about what we put them through.

You keep saying "what we put them through". The submissive holds the power within the dynamic you do realise?

So a dominant doesn't necessarily "put them through" anything, nothing that they have no given the Dominant the consent and permission to do.

Reading this makes me feel like the submissive's are being put through an ordeal in which they are not happy about. 

 

"We don't acknowledge how our subs see us or feel about....". Again... Communication. If a dynamic doesn't have communication then it's a shambles. Aftercare is the perfect time to ask someone "how did you feel about this", or "was I doing things, as expected or any areas to improve on?". 

Also be reminded aftercare works both ways, dominants also require it at times. 

 

10 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

Do you see where your sub may have a hard time accepting what we ask or tell them to? Why do you feel that they feel that way? What about it do you see is wrong or that you can correct to make your sub more comfortable? If you were a sub and someone did that to you how would you feel about it? How would you react? Why would you react that way? What feelings do you get with that thought? Do you feel that you can change it? Now have you ever sat down and actually talked to your sub? If you haven't then from my own perspective and personal experiences maybe you should.

The sub should not have a hard time accepting what is asked, as communication (that word again) was happening before any play or tasks were implemented, right?! The dominant will not, or should not be instructing a submissive to do anything they have outlined they are not ok with.

Things can go wrong in play sure, things happen, triggers for example, but then play stops immediately. Stop, discuss, compromise, (whether to carry on or put a stop to it for now).

If we were a sub and someone did "what" to us exactly? 

How people react is down to the level of play, what was consented and agreed upon, and if anything was done out of turn. Again communication solves this. You don't do anything that you haven't discussed or go against boundaries and limits, unless discussed (pushing etc).

 

Not what what you're asking "can change it". What is "it"? I don't know what specifically you are referring to.

If someone has not sat down and talked to their sub, or their dominant, then there is a serious issue here. Why are you even playing together if you have not spoke to one another?!

 

10 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

Their not going to hurt you or change you if anything their willing to make you a better Dom. Subs have given us their trust and consent to dominate over them so we as Doms need to put the same level of trust in them and trust that they would try to do us wrong or hurt us but make us a better Dom. I know it will be hard but believe me it will be well worth it if you do this and actually take what they say to heart.

I disagree slightly. They might "hurt you" or "change you" if they have to specifically outline things they are not ok with and ask for compromise. That can hurt feelings, and cause someone to change how they do things. 

 

A D/s needs to be of equal respect and trust. Otherwise it's one sided, and probably going to encounter issues. Again why would you play with someone if you cannot place trust in them? 

 

I must say, reading the forum posts that have appeared on my time line, have all sort of screamed like there are underlying issues. Lacking communication, not entirely sure on partners and it's a bit muddled to be honest. Just seems like there is something you're trying to underline discreetly. I could be wrong but I am trying to read between lines, as straight reading has me confused. 

 

Basically on all topics, Communication. Respect. Consent. Equals. Can't be too wrong if you do these. 

[Ar****]

@Jeneral_Whore thank you - so much of what you've said here echoes what I thought too but was not able to put into words.

[da****]

I'm not saying that us Doms don't make mistakes and so on. I'm saying that we tend to overlook the fact that the sub has all control and when doing that we tend to let the control go to our heads. We don't always consider what the sub feels and thinks. I'm just asking other Doms to put themselves in a subs place and look at things from their perspective. Yes a sub should respect their Doms but Doms should respect their subs. The only way to completely respect and understand them is to take their place for a sec. To mentally remove yourself from your comfort zone and put yourself in their place and try to see things from their point of view. Yes subs should do as their asked as long as it doesn't damage them or go in the lines of what they won't do. Doms shouldnt break a sub but it's not that hard to do. We have to remember if it wasn't for them allowing us to be dominant over them we wouldn't be Doms.

[4R****]

2 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

we tend to overlook the fact that the sub has all control

No they don’t. The sub has the control to give and withdraw consent and set their limits. That’s the only control the sub has. It’s called a power exchange for a reason. 

 

2 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

We have to remember if it wasn't for them allowing us to be dominant over them we wouldn't be Doms.

Again, IMO not correct. A Dominant is a Dominant, whether they have a submissive or not. You don’t stop being a fireman just because there are no fires. You don’t stop being an artist just because you have nothing to draw. Likewise you don’t stop being a Dominant anymore than a submissive stops being a submissive when they don’t have a partner. Being a Dominant is a craft and a good Dominant hones that craft. 

[fiend_13]

17 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

 Being a Dom a lot of times we don't acknowledge how our subs see us or feel about what we put them through. 

On the contrary, being a Dom in D/s dynamic calls for us to "a lot of times" be aware of our subs perspective and emotional state. It's fundamentally essential to reading where they're at, mentally and physically. Before, during and after play. If there's been a lot of times where you personally haven't been acknowledging this then I'm relieved if you've had an epiphany and seen an opportunity for positive development. But the generalization that we're all guilty of this, based on your own experience, seems a little presumptious. By all means tell us a personal story of realization and self improvement, I will commend you for sharing but please don't tar us all with the same brush.

[fiend_13]

17 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

Do you see where your sub may have a hard time accepting what we ask or tell them to? 

Absolutely not.

 Everything I ask or tell a sub to do is something they have informed me they are willing and eager to do. That was all revealed during the negotiation phase. It was discussed in great depth. They instructed me what I could and could not ask of them. They set their limits. I adhere to their limits. They don't have a hard time accepting what I ask them to. They have a great time.

 What have you been doing where you're causing your sub a hard time?

[Li****]

@JustJade69, how did YOU feel about your play sessions before you started discussing the most intimate and personal characteristics of your dynamic? You have to remember that if you are that new to the scene, that there are other hungry doms out there willing to cast their less than positive thoughts upon anything in order to try and get you on board with them!! This is where your own Personal judgment has to be called in and trusted! If you have some hesitation about some aspects of your playtime together- then you are better off talking directly to your dominant more than anyone else! The thing is, you can't undo that time you've spent together, so rather than trying to unpick it via other people's opinions you should be discussing it amongst yourselves. 1st of all you have to ask yourself ; why did I choose this dominant for my first experience?... You obviously must have trusted and liked him for some reason, you used your own common sense and judgment as a woman to be able to discern whether you felt comfortable with him and you decided that you were! You have to ask yourself the hard questions - if you're so easily persuaded after the fact then maybe you're not ready in yourself, or educated yourself enough, in your submissive role to be comfortable with ANY outcome!! You know in yourself whether you feel is if you've been treated correctly or not let's not "hang the Dom" as a reaction to what "other " people say!! 😘

[fiend_13]

17 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

 Your sub will be honest with you about how he or she feels. Their not going to hurt you or change you if anything their willing to make you a better Dom. 

9 out of 10 times this reciprocation of trust has been achieved in my dynamics. But, again, these generalizations don't paint a wholly accurate picture. I'm certainly not the first person to have tales about how subs are just as capable as Dominants, switches, vanillas or any other human of duplicitous, dishonest, unfaithful, gaslighting and any other toxic behaviour you care to insert here. Being an s instead of a D doesn't automatically mean they're going to be honest with you. 

[da****]

Fiend_13 I used to do a lot with my first few subs that caused a lot of damage mentally and emotionally but as for my current sub I don't do anything to cause him any hard ache or emotional or mental damage. I sit and talk to him daily,show him how much I do appreciate him which in return he lets me dominate him and gives me his respect. The reason I brought this topic up is because of what I have seen and what I used to do. I'm just wanting to see how many Doms have actually stopped and put themselves in their subs perspective and point of view.

[da****]

4RCH if that's how you want to think about the whole topic. But stop and think about it like this if all the subs said no to any Dom dominating them then why would we be called a Dom we have no one to dominate. A artist can draw without paper. A writer can not write without a pen, keyboard, typewriter, etc. A game of soccer can not be played if you don't have a soccer ball. A cook cannot cook without the ingredients.

[da****]

4RCH also try and look at it this way, without trees we wouldn't have paper, without paper writers and artists couldn't draw and write, without trees we would be without furniture, homes, etc., without plants we would not have oxygen, without animals we wouldn't have meat to eat, without women mankind would be no more cause they couldn't procreate. So like I asked before without subs could we actually call ourselves Doms?

[Du****]

Sorry to say but if you let the controle "get to your head" you are not able to controle yourself, and someone who is not able to controle him/herself, will never be able to controle others... Also what you are saying is that that in your opinion most Dom(me)s are unable to feel empathy, this is absolutely not true and actually pretty disrespectful of yourself to just assume this to be true. A Dom(me) is always fully aware of what they are doing, because they realize the responsibility they have towards their sub(s).

[Izzabeau]

I know this was a call for Dom(me)s to participate but as a submissive there are definitely some scary bits happening here that make me feel like I should reinforce what some of the other responders are saying (in the event that any other s-types that are brand new read this.) 

One does not enter into a D/s relationship by just saying “Hey I’m a Dom, wanna be my sub?” And then it’s done. The very cornerstones of these types of relationships are trust and communication. 

Communication means discussing what you want out of the relationships, what are your limits (both of you), what special needs if any do you have if any (mental health triggers, old injuries to avoid during impact play, etc. for examples). Will this be a bedroom only relationship or will it include elements of everyday life (how much of a power exchange will there be)? Will there be punishments (if so, what are on / off the table?)?  This list literally could go on and on and on. 

Trust is developed when you follow through on what has been communicated, when you show you mean what you say and say what you mean. As a submissive knowing that when my Dom says something he means it and follows through with it is paramount. I know that I can trust him to stop if I safe word. I know that when he tells me I’m bordering on bratty I can expect a punishment of some type. I know that when I am feeling unsure or self-conscious I can go to him and say so without him becoming angry for “questioning his authority” as I’ve seen some mention before. Now in my case I am in a DDlg dynamic, so its going to look different than say a M/s would or many others, but the point is in communicating all expectations and limits and then following through you develop trust. That’s the foundation in my opinion, of developing a D/s relationship. If anything changes, then you renegotiate. Nothing should ever be done without prior consent or knowledge. 

 

 

[CopperKnob]

17 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Again, IMO not correct. A Dominant is a Dominant, whether they have a submissive or not. You don’t stop being a fireman just because there are no fires. You don’t stop being an artist just because you have nothing to draw. Likewise you don’t stop being a Dominant anymore than a submissive stops being a submissive when they don’t have a partner. Being a Dominant is a craft and a good Dominant hones that craft. 

Finally someone said it!
Of course the sub doesn't have all he control. That's the whole point. Through discussion, we set out our wants/needs/limits. We then hand over that control with the proviso that we can safeword at any time.
As can the Dtype. It's madness to think that a Dtype can't safeword etc.

[Pi****]

14 hours ago, fiend_13 said:

9 out of 10 times this reciprocation of trust has been achieved in my dynamics. But, again, these generalizations don't paint a wholly accurate picture. I'm certainly not the first person to have tales about how subs are just as capable as Dominants, switches, vanillas or any other human of duplicitous, dishonest, unfaithful, gaslighting and any other toxic behaviour you care to insert here. Being an s instead of a D doesn't automatically mean they're going to be honest with you. 

Thank you! I swear I’ve had a lot more narcs, thieves, liars and stalkers among the subs I’ve entertained than any other dynamic.

[4R****]

21 hours ago, da2022deathsangel said:

So like I asked before without subs could we actually call ourselves Doms?

You need to understand that the emphasis is on the "A". There is a difference between being 'dominant' and being 'A Dominant'. Granted you can't be dominant if nobody submits but you can be A Dominant having never had a submissive. There is a huge difference that many people simply don't understand at first, but when you think about it, it will click. 

[ja****]

So well said ! 💞

[am****]

I am A Dominant when I don't have my coffee. Afterwards, I'm just plain vanilla Dom.

[mi****]

Anybody who is not regularly communicating with their subs really should take a step back and stop participating in this kind of dynamic altogether until they can learn some fundamentals. I’m not the most experienced but I feel like this is all being presented in a really ass-backwards way. Communication is the cornerstone of play. It happens before, during, and after anything takes place. Echoing some sentiments already mentioned here but negotiation is a mutual exercise, and you should already understand what’s on the table ahead of time. So yeah… you’re not “putting your sub through” anything if you’re doing this appropriately — you’re meeting their desires as they align with your own, with mutual understanding of the risks involved and with mitigation strategies in place. You shouldn’t be exercising any power or control that hasn’t been requested of you. If you do that you’re violating the basic premises of play and that is extremely dangerous and can be so damaging.