Struggling with my Long term relationship with dom/sub life, need advice, tips and ideas..

[ScarletTeese]

Been with my partner 12 yrs. He has become more subby and needy over the years, and I feel like I’m failing at being a good domme gf. In general, I’m the pleaser and giver. But when my partner gives signs of feeling subby, I try to get in the mood and get into role play. I love him and want to make him happy, but it feels like such an effort to get into this role, and I struggle for new ideas. I use to feel like I was good at it, use to be good at being creative and spontaneous.. now I just don’t feel the control or feel good enough.
Being in a long term relationship, mixing real life with fetish isn’t always easy.. whereas if it was like an hour or 2 session with a stranger, I imagine it would be more of a turn on. He’s In chastity quite a lot. I’m always looking up ideas online, and recently we’ve tried cuckold/ threesome. I try to incorporate housework when giving him tasks because he’s generally rubbish at doing it, but even with the cage on, he’s disobedient and doesn’t meet my standards. I hope this makes him realise how much I do most of the time! I need help and guidance from a pro dominatrix or some stories and ideas from long term subs/doms. It doesn’t help that when we both get in from work, we’re tired. And soon we’ll try for a family. How do couples keep this up? 🙈 

[David869]

Keep the cage on him and tell him it will come off when he can do all the tasks the way you want them done Evan if that takes mouths or even years he will get so frustrated he will get better

[AnS2023]

As a bratty submissive, I find one thing that will snap me back into place (literally)- riding crop. My Daddy has tried a number of things such as orgasm denial, hand spanking, chastity. We were going to visit his horses and he had purchased a new crop for training purposes. I happened to smart off as he held the feed next to the crop. I was made to bend over, grab my ankles and was swatted 15 times. Enough *** inflicted for a couple of weeks, set myself back in Daddy’s good graces. I will stop whatever behavior once threatened with the crop. Try it out haha

[St****]

Have you taken a BDSM test again to see how you may have changed?

[Th****]

A friend is a ProDomme as well as a BDSM and kink educator. They're actually getting ready to put on a Women in Power intensive series of classes later this month through January. (It's webinar format so location doesn't matter) you can DM me and I'll share the details so you can check it out to see if you might be interested. They have several other seminars they hold periodically too specifically on relationships. 

[Th****]

This also shouldn't feel like a chore and he shouldn't be pushing for anything. Feel free to DM me just for general conversation too if you like. 

[Pe****]

Check out Ms Elle X on YouTube. She’s brilliant.
.

It seems like you’re the one who is putting in all the effort here. He’s disobedient and doesn’t meet your standards when given tasks?? Take away what he likes or wants. Make him do them over until you’re satisfied! Tell him unless he starts to behave he’ll get no rewards or even your Dominance! You’re the one in charge here, not him.

[GreyHog]

I would suggest not worrying about "when he's feeling subby". Take charge, keep him caged, and use him randomly for YOUR pleasure. The more he grumbles or pouts, the more you should use him. Oral, pegging, whatever YOU want to do. His pleasure is important to you as his "partner" but shouldn't be the driving factor as your "sub". Use him, then let him beg for release. If he has been pleasing, maybe he gets something he likes. If he's not being pleasurable, make him keep doing it until he does it right. And, from my point of view, *** and denial can be quite motivating. Good luck, and feel free to chat anytime.

[gi****]

Hi @ScarletTease, there are a few things here that made me think of some questions that you might ask yourself. And to be clear, I don't expect them to be answered for me, they are more for your reflection if you wish. But, before asking those, I want to say that maintaining a relationship that mixes the other parts of BDSM with kinks and fetishes can be challenging.

First reflection: Have you had open, ongoing discussions around the dynamic including expectations, needs, desires, etc.? It sounds like things have evolved over time as they do in every relationship, and it can be good to review initial agreements.

Second reflection: Have you been clear together about your current directions and the resulting rewards, punishments, play, etc. that flows from them being followed or not? His disobedience and not meeting your standards may be because the expectations and consequences around them may not be clear.

Third reflection: For me, this is the most important one. What is fun, satisfying, and/or fulfilling for you about the lifestyle? What are your kinks and fetishes? It is laudable for you to want to be a pleaser and giver. You seem to be working very hard to find things that make him happy. Beyond making him happy though, what are your desires and needs? I'm wondering, from albeit limited information, if it's clear to him that you also need to be pleased, have your needs met, and feel satisfied.

I totally get being a pleaser and a giver. That's something that I've worked through in my own life. I don't have a 24/7 partner, so take this all with a grain of salt, but your needs and desires also deserve to be honored. Maybe it's a part of the story that I don't have, so again ignore this if what I've said isn't meaningful to you. I've just needed to ask myself variations on these questions in many parts of my life. Hope you have safety, connection, and fun.

Edited December 7, 2023 by giraut
for clarity

[Pe****]

10 hours ago, giraut said:

Hi @ScarletTease, there are a few things here that made me think of some questions that you might ask yourself. And to be clear, I don't expect them to be answered for me, they are more for your reflection if you wish. But, before asking those, I want to say that maintaining a relationship that mixes the other parts of BDSM with kinks and fetishes can be challenging.

First reflection: Have you had open, ongoing discussions around the dynamic including expectations, needs, desires, etc.? It sounds like things have evolved over time as they do in every relationship, and it can be good to review initial agreements.

Second reflection: Have you been clear together about your current directions and the resulting rewards, punishments, play, etc. that flows from them being followed or not? His disobedience and not meeting your standards may be because the expectations and consequences around them may not be clear.

Third reflection: For me, this is the most important one. What is fun, satisfying, and/or fulfilling for you about the lifestyle? What are your kinks and fetishes? It is laudable for you to want to be a pleaser and giver. You seem to be working very hard to find things that make him happy. Beyond making him happy though, what are your desires and needs? I'm wondering, from albeit limited information, if it's clear to him that you also need to be pleased, have your needs met, and feel satisfied.

I totally get being a pleaser and a giver. That's something that I've worked through in my own life. I don't have a 24/7 partner, so take this all with a grain of salt, but your needs and desires also deserve to be honored. Maybe it's a part of the story that I don't have, so again ignore this if what I've said isn't meaningful to you. I've just needed to ask myself variations on these questions in many parts of my life. Hope you have safety, connection, and fun.

Absolutely agree

[VexDA]

Thursday at 04:26 PM, giraut said:

Hi @ScarletTease, there are a few things here that made me think of some questions that you might ask yourself. And to be clear, I don't expect them to be answered for me, they are more for your reflection if you wish. But, before asking those, I want to say that maintaining a relationship that mixes the other parts of BDSM with kinks and fetishes can be challenging.

First reflection: Have you had open, ongoing discussions around the dynamic including expectations, needs, desires, etc.? It sounds like things have evolved over time as they do in every relationship, and it can be good to review initial agreements.

Second reflection: Have you been clear together about your current directions and the resulting rewards, punishments, play, etc. that flows from them being followed or not? His disobedience and not meeting your standards may be because the expectations and consequences around them may not be clear.

Third reflection: For me, this is the most important one. What is fun, satisfying, and/or fulfilling for you about the lifestyle? What are your kinks and fetishes? It is laudable for you to want to be a pleaser and giver. You seem to be working very hard to find things that make him happy. Beyond making him happy though, what are your desires and needs? I'm wondering, from albeit limited information, if it's clear to him that you also need to be pleased, have your needs met, and feel satisfied.

I totally get being a pleaser and a giver. That's something that I've worked through in my own life. I don't have a 24/7 partner, so take this all with a grain of salt, but your needs and desires also deserve to be honored. Maybe it's a part of the story that I don't have, so again ignore this if what I've said isn't meaningful to you. I've just needed to ask myself variations on these questions in many parts of my life. Hope you have safety, connection, and fun.

Perfectly stated

[QueenNiah]

I'm in a kinky vanilla relationship (confusing right?) I'm the domme and my bf is a natural submissive. We set times and periods for the real play. Weekends, maybe two weeks straight, depending on what you agree on. No, he doesn't do chastity cage and instead occasionally I just edge him. On the other hand, I am a pro-domme and incentives is what keeps me in the mood(not saying that he should pay you lol). Life can get in the way of a dynamic but you have to sit down and agree on what works and what doesn't. Otherwise you'll drain yourself

[SissySubStaci]

As a sub who has experienced the urge for more and more and more domination from a partner, you should understand that it can be like anything else. That is, if it’s not done in ration and moderation then it will take more of it in order to get the same endorphin levels.  I too pushed and begged and whined for more and my wife kept giving and giving. You’re story is a lot like mine only I am the sub. So I can say this… take breaks from it and practice moderation on things that he enjoys. Space them out and fill the void with EARNING those things he enjoys. 

[earthyangel]

On 12/6/2023 at 7:51 PM, ScarletTeese said:

Been with my partner 12 yrs. He has become more subby and needy over the years, and I feel like I’m failing at being a good domme gf. In general, I’m the pleaser and giver. But when my partner gives signs of feeling subby, I try to get in the mood and get into role play. I love him and want to make him happy, but it feels like such an effort to get into this role, and I struggle for new ideas. I use to feel like I was good at it, use to be good at being creative and spontaneous.. now I just don’t feel the control or feel good enough.
Being in a long term relationship, mixing real life with fetish isn’t always easy.. whereas if it was like an hour or 2 session with a stranger, I imagine it would be more of a turn on. He’s In chastity quite a lot. I’m always looking up ideas online, and recently we’ve tried cuckold/ threesome. I try to incorporate housework when giving him tasks because he’s generally rubbish at doing it, but even with the cage on, he’s disobedient and doesn’t meet my standards. I hope this makes him realise how much I do most of the time! I need help and guidance from a pro dominatrix or some stories and ideas from long term subs/doms. It doesn’t help that when we both get in from work, we’re tired. And soon we’ll try for a family. How do couples keep this up? 🙈 

it sounds like you both need to think deeply if that still working for you, and maybe talk about the current situation that you are in. talk. communication is very important and only the two of you have the answers. you don't need to struggle. talk.

[MistressWhipplash]

It sounds like you are not the Captain of your household. Have your partner do stuff you don't want to do, so when it comes to play time you may choose to say yes. If you are doing kinky play in the bedroom only it sounds like you need to have him be the giver. Being a Dominant Woman means making the final choices, which means you own the fuck and you say when stuff happens or not.
If he is being pushy time to rebalanced how things are, is my suggestion to you. A person being submissive means being aware of their Dominant Woman partners needs.

[Deleted Member]

Don’t let him cum if you don’t feel like it. Ramp up the cuckold stuff and you’ll get all you need sexually without him.

[Ca****]

I have been in two cuckold relationships in chastity 24/7 , plugged much of the time , for the majority of the time it was just a regular relationship just the role act of full sex was outsourced to bulls