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Have I ... lost my fetish?


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Posted (edited)

Hey everyone!  I’m new here and have never really tried to act on my long-held fetish, but am having doubts about whether I even have one anymore. Sooo, long ramby post coming up! 

So I just posted this on a forum dedicated tospanking only to find out it’s not intended for sexual content, only for people who use it exclusively for discipline (im a bit sceptical about that lol), so that’s awkward. So now I have turned to this place for answers! :)

So, I have had a  spanking fetish for as long as I can remember. Looked it up in the dictionary, read passages of books that  featured it over and over again, etc etc. When I was very young it actually tended to be less spanking focused (so a nice scene of a sailor getting flogged in an old movie would get me very hot under the collar, for example), but it became more focused on spanking as I got older. It has been pretty much the defining feature of my sexuality my entire life.

However, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m ... not that into it?

I’ve given self-spanking a few attempts(ridiculous I know, don’t judge me lmao) and to be honest they are just not at all satisfying. Does this mean that I probably would equally dislike it if someone else did it? I think possibly what’s missing is the component of control and punishment etc (I have always eroticised punishment of all kinds, it’s not like I just the idea of having my butt slapped lol). But essentially I’m now a bit afraid to seek out a real experience, because what if it turns out I absolutely can’t stand it? Another factor that maybe is contributing is that I get completely paranoid about making any sound, so I tend to be very on edge, which is obviously a bit of a mood killer.


Secondly - my boyfriend has spanked me a little bit, but always in a sexual context. Even when he claims he’s doing it because I’ve been a naughty girl blah blah, it’s always in the context of us both being naked, both about to have sex. And it never lasts very long And again, I don’t really enjoy it. On a psychological level I do kind of like it, but honestly it’s just not much of a turn on. Again - does this mean I’m probably just not even into spanking that much, or is it that the context is wrong, so I don’t really get into the correct headspace? To be honest I do struggle to see my boyfriend as ever having any kind of authority or dominance so again that could be the issue. (Also again the sound thing comes up, I’m a student so we’re always in a setting where someone can hear what we’re doing through the walls, so I almost always end up asking him to stop because I start to feel horrified that someone might hear what’s happening lol).

This might seem like a ridiculous concern to have, but the fact is, I’m not interested in sex at all. I never have been. I like the emotional closeness but I don’t get turned on by the thought of it, and don’t really get much physical pleasure from it. So spanking is kind of my last hope when it comes to sexual pleasure.

One final key point is that I do have problems with libido/arousal (potentially stemming from SSRIs that I take for depression and anxiety , currently discussing this with a doctor to identify the cause). When I was a child I used to have a much higher capacity for arousal (and always by spanking related content), but since becoming an adult with issues with anxiety etc, it’s become much more infrequent. So could this potentially be the issue? 

So I think the root of the problem is either: I ... just don’t actually like spanking. My anxiety including anxiety about noise control is inhibiting my enjoyment. Or, my low libido etc is the problem and I should fix that.

TLDR: I feel like I have lost my fetish, is it still worth giving it a try to see if I do in fact enjoy it, or should I address the issues mentioned in the last paragraph first?


Thanks for reading! 


Edited by GhostyGhost

One thing I didn’t mention - I do to an extent still get aroused by thinking about/reading about/looking at/watching spanking related stuff. But not massively, and it’s pretty hit or miss whether it will actually turn me on or not. (Think I reached the edit limit for the post or something because I can’t edit it anymore lol)

Firstly, Ghost, I wish to apologise as I have not read your entire post. My opinion is therefore not truly valid, but I would like to offer it anyway. Just from the first part, you say spanking might not be your fetish now. The only way to figure that out is to try it. Spanking, in my experience, seems to be a significantly common activity, so if you are a Submissive then I doubt you will struggle to find a Dominant to experiment spanking with

It could be that your kink is more about authorative control and discipline than just the spanking thing and it may be that you need someone with a more dominant character than your boyfriend to create that control. Also the privacy concerns are surely not helping your situation.

It is certainly worth trying to find the right person and location and giving it a try as you will never know until you do


I hate labels but it may be that you’re Asexual whether that always been the case or this has developed due to the meds that you’re on.

also your spanking sounds like a fantasy & although fantasies are amazing & thrilling in our head it doesn’t mean we always want to actually carry them out for real. Sometimes when we do carry them out the result is such a let down it ruins it & prevents us from trying things other ways....& I’m sure nearly all of us have been there at some point when it comes to BDSM.

try & not overthink things, just keep trying new things to see what works for you & if things don’t work for you then don’t get hung up on that 

I was married for 9 yrs. Never once got my feel with him. Not that I didn't live him but I personally feel like the things I want to try and experience would have to be with a semi stranger. I want to know the person's head and nothing more. I want to trust the person and that's hard in a case like this. The thought of my ex expirencing those scenes with me actually disgust me. Maybe that may be a thing for you. Maybe in a sense of giving all control to someone you don't know soooo well. I'm new here but I feel like that's why I joined. To find my secret controller. My silent lover in a sense
Ok well thankyou for opening up and you raise some valid points but appear to be focusing on the end product so to does and not the connotations! It’s not all about the *** there is also the submission the handing over of power the ***ness all that and more play into a good spanking that delivers the end result you want , I don’t have time to explain more fully at the moment but please drop me a PM if you want
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