helpinghand_256 Posted March 20 Posted March 20 I was talking with a novice sub, we'd been getting along pretty well and were being flirty and kinky in the chatting. We had discussed a bit about CNC and ***, which she was into but I'm apprehensive of and I'd made that clear. She also was far too willing to give up the use of a safeword which was a deep orange flag. But it came up again and I said I wasn't enthusiastic, and she said that I wasn't dominant enough. I suppose this opens up a wider question about what dominance is, and how we can help newcomers (including myself in that honestly) realise that kink isn't just about sex, or a way to make *** OK.
kimutu72 Posted March 21 Posted March 21 I dnt think that "your not dominate enough" its more about your boundaries and hers, if your not comfitable doing something then you shouldn be ***d into it, maybe try abit role play and see how that feels and if its ok take it alittle at a time. I had a sub who was into pegging ( I always associated anal with ***) I wasnt comfitable doing it, but we took it slow and he was very vocal, Im still abit nervous about doing it, but am happy to make my sub happy if that makes sense. As long as there is alot communication you might find that you enjoy it, or may not.Never rush into anything unless your totally sure
Pe**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 1 minute ago, kimutu72 said: I dnt think that "your not dominate enough" its more about your boundaries and hers, if your not comfitable doing something then you shouldn be ***d into it, maybe try abit role play and see how that feels and if its ok take it alittle at a time. I had a sub who was into pegging ( I always associated anal with ***) I wasnt comfitable doing it, but we took it slow and he was very vocal, Im still abit nervous about doing it, but am happy to make my sub happy if that makes sense. As long as there is alot communication you might find that you enjoy it, or may not.Never rush into anything unless your totally sure Great comment!
ge**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 The answer to what dominance is, is as wide and varied as there are people - there is no single definition, in fact the only definition of what dominance (or for that matter submission) is is that held by ourselves as individuals, and then agreed on with others we may form dynamics with. . So putting aside any flags for now, it's entirely possible you weren't dominant enough for the lady in question, that doesn't mean though that you're not dominant enough for all submissives, just not for that one specifically. . Now there are certainly some potential flags in what she was asking/suggesting, particularly around the safe word thing - which the only people I have known to operate without one have been people in longstanding relationships where they know, trust and respect each other well enough to be able to take that step knowing it's not necessary, and even then I'd suggest they probably do have something for use if necessary.
typhoon2 Posted March 21 Posted March 21 If their definition of 'Dominance' differs from your own then both of you need to sit down and clarify exactly what you define it as and what your expectations are. Both of you have equal weight in this discussion but overlapping isn't a given. Some people - especialy newbies - equate Dominance with selfish, careless behaviour (taking rather than sharing, let alone giving). I lost a submissive because she wanted black and blue buttocks/thighs weeks later, and that was far outside my own preferences and limits. She wanted someone 'more dominant' which I interpreted as her desire to find someone to indulge her in self-harm by proxy. Clearly it wasn't destined to last. Another possible definition is where tasks and instructions are constant (via text or remote-control toys), rather than just when people are together. I don't think it applies in your case, which is clearly different preferences (and perhaps perceptions) but I offer it up as part of the general discussion.
UnapologeticBrat Posted March 21 Posted March 21 Definitely not dom enough for someone who likes cnc bc we would never call it R bc it's not. If you need to understand the need for cnc for some, there are plenty of books. You referred to it as *** as well, just showing a lack of knowledge and interest to learn. Sounds like you'd be better fit for a Lil.
Gi**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 Tbh I'm well aware I'm dominant enough for me and that's all that matters. If someone doesn't like it then so be it. From experience, we have to protect ourselves in situations you describe. 100% big red flags for me if they say they don't want to use safewords or want to go into cnc, safewords etc immediately. There are exceptions but it's rare and complicated and personal to me so won't go into it. What dominace is, is up to you. Yes I feel doms/daddys/mummy's whatever someone is has a responsibility to look after and care for the sub/bottom etc, but we can't do that unless we are looking after ourselves. Stick to what you're comfortable with, when you find someone who wants to explore with you, great, until then, look after number 1.
Gi**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 15 minutes ago, UnapologeticBrat said: Definitely not dom enough for someone who likes cnc bc we would never call it R bc it's not. If you need to understand the need for cnc for some, there are plenty of books. You referred to it as *** as well, just showing a lack of knowledge and interest to learn. Sounds like you'd be better fit for a Lil. Massively unhelpful. It appears this person is trying to learn, calling them out like that serves no purpose. Having been doing this for 15ish years I can tell you that some people do talk about *** and use the word ***. Everyone processes trauma differently. This person actually said "how can we help newcomers realise that kink isn't just...a way to make *** OK", and that's a phrase that should be praised not blasted. There are people out there who want to be dominated in ways that make even myself uncomfortable (and believe me that's difficult to do), because they want to be ***d beyond what I'd consider to be safe kink. If this person is asking how to avoid that, then fair play to them, as there are many wannabe doms out there who would just go ahead and *** someone. So I think you need to adjust your attitude, and try to help people learn instead.
UnapologeticBrat Posted March 21 Posted March 21 7 minutes ago, Gimli1989 said: Massively unhelpful. It appears this person is trying to learn, calling them out like that serves no purpose. Having been doing this for 15ish years I can tell you that some people do talk about *** and use the word ***. Everyone processes trauma differently. This person actually said "how can we help newcomers realise that kink isn't just...a way to make *** OK", and that's a phrase that should be praised not blasted. There are people out there who want to be dominated in ways that make even myself uncomfortable (and believe me that's difficult to do), because they want to be ***d beyond what I'd consider to be safe kink. If this person is asking how to avoid that, then fair play to them, as there are many wannabe doms out there who would just go ahead and *** someone. So I think you need to adjust your attitude, and try to help people learn instead. 🤣🤣🤣 as a brat my attitude is perfect 😁 second those are all saying words and as someone who is not knew and understands cnc for what it is its offensive and he should know that bc I know dom and sub alike who have found it offensive. Just bc he is asking for help, does not mean he should not be corrected for his horrible word choice . This is spouse to be a safe place for those of us with kinks, which should be more important than his feelings 💁♀️
Gi**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 19 minutes ago, UnapologeticBrat said: 🤣🤣🤣 as a brat my attitude is perfect 😁 second those are all saying words and as someone who is not knew and understands cnc for what it is its offensive and he should know that bc I know dom and sub alike who have found it offensive. Just bc he is asking for help, does not mean he should not be corrected for his horrible word choice . This is spouse to be a safe place for those of us with kinks, which should be more important than his feelings 💁♀️ So just to clarify, and correct me on any of these if I'm wrong: 1) Because you found something offensive, it means it can't be said at all. 2) You've completely ignored that fact that some *** victims/survivors are fine using that word. 3) You've ignored the fact that people can have a cnc or *** kink and not be a *** victim/survivor. 4) Just because you're a brat, it doesn't give you the right to act however you want. Just like as a dom, I don't have the right to start handing out orders. My dominance comes from someone's consent. If someone doesn't consent to you being bratty towards them, step out of the brattiness and talk to them like a regular person. In exactly the same way you'd expect a dom to talk to you initially. 5) Your last sentence is an oxymoron. Anywho, sorry lookingabout_256, don't mean to be taking over your topic, just getting very annoyed recently how this place seems to be moving from a place of accepting those who learning and helping them. Into a place where the only ones welcome are people who are 100% perfect all the time. Hope you get what you need from here in the end.
Bl**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 25 minutes ago, UnapologeticBrat said: 🤣🤣🤣 as a brat my attitude is perfect 😁 second those are all saying words and as someone who is not knew and understands cnc for what it is its offensive and he should know that bc I know dom and sub alike who have found it offensive. Just bc he is asking for help, does not mean he should not be corrected for his horrible word choice . This is spouse to be a safe place for those of us with kinks, which should be more important than his feelings 💁♀️ Remember, here you are not in a session with a brat tamer! This is a place where we all are first and foremost human beings and then Doms subs brats pets Masters or whatever rocks your kinky boat! We need to take the original post at face value. "In dubio pro reo" or "innocent until proven guilty". If anything in there raises questions, ask them. It helps if you do that in a polite way.
Mr--Sir Posted March 21 Posted March 21 28 minutes ago, UnapologeticBrat said: 🤣🤣🤣 as a brat my attitude is perfect 😁 second those are all saying words and as someone who is not knew and understands cnc for what it is its offensive and he should know that bc I know dom and sub alike who have found it offensive. Just bc he is asking for help, does not mean he should not be corrected for his horrible word choice . This is spouse to be a safe place for those of us with kinks, which should be more important than his feelings 💁♀️ Your lack of knowledge is clearly apparent. As Gimili said, this individual is seeking information and understanding into the fluidness that is kink. As a *** victim myself, I don't find the word offensive in the slightest. But that is my opinion and doesn't reflect others' experiences and thoughts on the matter. Just like I find it disrespectful and childish to use emojis while attempting to instruct someone on the refinement of particular verbage. You say this should be a safe place for "us" with kinks, and sure, it should have some inkling of tact and respect for all those who browse the app. However, correcting someone for a word or phrase is counterintuitive to the entire idea of kink. If someone was bothered and/or triggered, they should respectfully and coherently articulate to that person why such a thing was cause for concern. Then, if that person refuses to acknowledge or stop the action in question, we may try to educate them on the nuances of trauma. Take a moment to self reflect, and have a wonderful day. ~Mr. Sir~
UnapologeticBrat Posted March 21 Posted March 21 8 minutes ago, Mr--Sir said: Your lack of knowledge is clearly apparent. As Gimili said, this individual is seeking information and understanding into the fluidness that is kink. As a *** victim myself, I don't find the word offensive in the slightest. But that is my opinion and doesn't reflect others' experiences and thoughts on the matter. Just like I find it disrespectful and childish to use emojis while attempting to instruct someone on the refinement of particular verbage. You say this should be a safe place for "us" with kinks, and sure, it should have some inkling of tact and respect for all those who browse the app. However, correcting someone for a word or phrase is counterintuitive to the entire idea of kink. If someone was bothered and/or triggered, they should respectfully and coherently articulate to that person why such a thing was cause for concern. Then, if that person refuses to acknowledge or stop the action in question, we may try to educate them on the nuances of trauma. Take a moment to self reflect, and have a wonderful day. ~Mr. Sir~ And as a savior and a trama councilor for s.t saviors, I am offened . As someone who understands and enjoys cnc, I'm offended. The words you choose mean everything. If he's trying to understand then understanding his word choose is wrong. Not men telling men there not wrong while the ladies (he's trying to get ) are clear he's wrong ... but then again, that explains why men struggle every day . Maybe reflect on just bc you feel a certain way you do not speak for the millions.
UnapologeticBrat Posted March 21 Posted March 21 26 minutes ago, Gimli1989 said: So just to clarify, and correct me on any of these if I'm wrong: 1) Because you found something offensive, it means it can't be said at all. 2) You've completely ignored that fact that some *** victims/survivors are fine using that word. 3) You've ignored the fact that people can have a cnc or *** kink and not be a *** victim/survivor. 4) Just because you're a brat, it doesn't give you the right to act however you want. Just like as a dom, I don't have the right to start handing out orders. My dominance comes from someone's consent. If someone doesn't consent to you being bratty towards them, step out of the brattiness and talk to them like a regular person. In exactly the same way you'd expect a dom to talk to you initially. 5) Your last sentence is an oxymoron. Anywho, sorry lookingabout_256, don't mean to be taking over your topic, just getting very annoyed recently how this place seems to be moving from a place of accepting those who learning and helping them. Into a place where the only ones welcome are people who are 100% perfect all the time. Hope you get what you need from here in the end. 1. Yes, that's literally the definition of a safe place. He came to a public forum to ask. If he was trying to learn like you say, then he should be able to take all perspectives into account. You all are telling him he's fine, but clearly, the woman dont agree or he wouldn't make the post. 2. And some black people are fine with you using the n word other people beat you ..... again, as a savior, I have a right to feel my own truth and speak it .... again, if he was trying to learn, help would take it just like that . 3. Never said they couldn't, but he uses the words interchangeable. That's a huge red flag for subs. We are in our most *** state .... any red flags before makes it a no ... again, a lesson he should learn. 4🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm a brat by nature, a natural redhead . I'm this way in my life work and career. I will never water myself down for anyone .... you not being able to handle some letters ... Mmmm, definitely a you probably. Again, he could have bought a book Google . Taking advice from the blind .... only good thing this is public so the rest if use can read and know this thread is a whole red flag .
Bl**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 @UnapoligeticBrat I quote from the original post: "We had discussed a bit about CNC and tape, which she was into _but I'm apprehensive of and I 'd made that clear_." He also mentions his concerns about the sub giving up the use of a safeword which for him is a red flag. Since he is concerned about the sun's safety, I wonder why you do attack his choice of words so vehemently. He is just trying to find a safe common ground with the sub! It does sometimes help to really read and pay attention to the sentences. I would expect that from a trauma counsellor as a minimum requirement!
Mr--Sir Posted March 21 Posted March 21 I'm honestly stunned. How do you rebuttal such blatant absurdity?
Bl**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 Just now, Mr--Sir said: I'm honestly stunned. How do you rebuttal such blatant absurdity? Beats me!
Gi**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 Being a brat is not an excuse for being ill mannered or rude. Being a redhead only makes you a rude redhead. Not a brat. 🙄
Bl**** Posted March 21 Posted March 21 @lookingabout_256 , I believe you're on the right path by listening to @kimutu72 , @gemini_man and @typhoon2 and keeping your own attitude of listening carefully and striving to create a safe, sane and consensual environment where you and your sub explore and experience the many and varied possibilities BDSM has in for you.
CopperKnob Posted March 21 Posted March 21 3 hours ago, UnapologeticBrat said: 🤣🤣🤣 as a brat my attitude is perfect 😁 second those are all saying words and as someone who is not knew and understands cnc for what it is its offensive and he should know that bc I know dom and sub alike who have found it offensive. Just bc he is asking for help, does not mean he should not be corrected for his horrible word choice . This is spouse to be a safe place for those of us with kinks, which should be more important than his feelings 💁♀️ As a brat, you should recognise that you don't brat someone you aren't in an established relationship with. It's an assumption that you aren't in a relationship with either the OP or Gimli, therefore you aren't bratting, its simply rudeness.,
Hy**** Posted March 22 Posted March 22 I think there may be a paradox in her point. When it comes to submission, the one with the fewest needs is the one with the power. I think probably what she meant is that you are not aggressive enough, but the problem is that aggression is neediness, and needy people are not in charge. You were right about that orange flag. Power is not ***, power is not needing ***.  Walk away from that bitch and show her how powerful you are.
Deleted Member Posted March 22 Posted March 22 Not every one is compatable and we must accept that. Just move on keep chatting to her and get inside her mind to see what she really needs and desires
CopperKnob Posted March 22 Posted March 22 5 minutes ago, GentlemanDomCymru said: Not every one is compatable and we must accept that. Just move on keep chatting to her and get inside her mind to see what she really needs and desires Or, just take a no as a no?
Deleted Member Posted March 22 Posted March 22 4 minutes ago, CopperKnob said: Or, just take a no as a no? Sorry thst is a given
FetMyLife Posted March 22 Posted March 22 I know someone that was arrested for *** because the sub refused a safe word and insisted for the *** fantasy to be real. The guy made it real, he waiting a couple of weeks, stuck a bag over the subs head, drove to a wood, held her down and fucked her. Pretty much exactly what she begged for while insisting on no safe words. She then freaked out and reported it and he got arrested. Later charges were dropped when the real situation came to light. Always always always have a safe word and safe signal. What someone thinks they will like might not be so enjoyable when it’s happening! If a person tells me they don’t want a safe word I think the same as when they say that they have no limits… I assume they have a very limited imagination and can’t imagine that someone else might want to do something they might not like. Often these are people that have only known you five minutes! They have no idea what twisted shenanigans you might be into!! 3 things in the kink world really turn me off and make me roll my eyes, no safe word, no limits, and empty profiles that say “ask me” 🙄
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