When The Magic Is Lost

[CopperKnob]

When I joined Fet, it was magical. Here, in these virtual hallowed halls, fairies and fireflies lived. They could be found speaking of kink, sharing their experiences and knowledge. I learnt not only about kink but myself.
.
It was the days when there was much humour. People would join in with banter in the forums. Back then, joking was much more fun than gender politics and consent ***s. People posting understood BDSM was more than just sex.

I spent more time here than was reasonable, but then again, there was an unreasonable amount of magic, so maybe I was just grabbing my share of an outstanding era. In those days, logging into the site plunged me into all the laughter and compassion I needed to get through the days, the weeks, the months.
.
With the passing of time, the fairies and fireflies are no longer here. Friends and some well-known, experienced contributing members have either left the site or have let their profiles go dormant.
.
The messages from the wanna fuck dudes received frequently is tolerable, what isn't is when misinformation is shared, pick me posts are made, when soliciting takes place within comment sections, when people share views which suggest sexual *** and consent ***s are OK, because a "LOL" has been added or because its claimed as a "kink" and when the forums are no longer that well moderated.
.
The culture here has changed. People blame the app, but i've been here since the app came to be. it's the type of members now present. It's the new, more commercial side to Fet.
.
As a result, the magic is all but gone. Rather than posts sharing kink related comedy, experience, knowledge, or genuine kink related questions, Fet has turned into a...sex site, and why would it not? Post after post of (non) fiction stories of nothing more than gratuitious sex, posts containing CVs and SA's, 'woe is me posts' and so on and on and on.
.
Maybe this side of Fet was always here. Maybe the fairies and the fireflies blinded me with their magic.
Maybe I'm too old for people's shit.

[4R****]

Very well said! I’ve been feeling this for a while too. 

I’ve been here right from the beginning of this particular site (had a different profile back then). The site has grown and increased in popularity, the app appeared and numbers grew and it was a fun place to be. But evolution happened and as you’ve said, some long standing highly respected members of the community have moved away from FET and are frequenting other places.
 

It’s similar with the club scene, many longstanding people are opting to host private events rather than visit the local club these days simply because of the shift in culture. That shift seems to have taken place post “lockdown”.

 

BDSM, the real, old-school BDSM that I grew up with, is still very much in existence, but it seems to have shifted back to being a secret underground society where you are only allowed in through personal invite.
 

The experienced BDSM’ers I’ve spoken to are fed up of trying to educate those who think they know better. They are fed up of the self proclaimed ‘experts’ spouting misinformation. They are fed up of sites ‘educating’ people with incorrect information and they’ve decided to leave this overt ‘in your face’ kink world to those who want to play at it. They would rather spend their time living the lifestyle and enjoying it for the beauty that traditional BDSM brings, so they’ve returned to living in the shadows and, I suspect, that’s where we will remain. 

Edited April 3, 2024 by 4RCH

[John54]

I'm so sad to read this. I see what you're getting at, I think, but I've hugely appreciated getting to grips with insights into what I think of as 'kink in context' - arousal and stimulation as part of a wider experience of life incorporating kinky sex and kinky fantasy. Where would I find a more wide-ranging community to engage with?

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, 4RCH said:

Very well said! I’ve been feeling this for a while too. 

I’ve been here right from the beginning of this particular site (had a different profile back then). The site has grown and increased in popularity, the app appeared and numbers grew and it was a fun place to be. But evolution happened and as you’ve said, some long standing highly respected members of the community have moved away from FET and are frequenting other places.
 

It’s similar with the club scene, many longstanding people are opting to host private events rather than visit the local club these days simply because of the shift in culture. That shift seems to have taken place post “lockdown”.

 

BDSM, the real, old-school BDSM that I grew up with, is still very much in existence, but it seems to have shifted back to being a secret underground society where you are only allowed in through personal invite.
 

The experienced BDSM’ers I’ve spoken to are fed up of trying to educate those who think they know better. They are fed up of the self proclaimed ‘experts’ spouting misinformation. They are fed up of sites ‘educating’ people with incorrect information and they’ve decided to leave this overt ‘in your face’ kink world to those who want to play at it. They would rather spend their time living the lifestyle and enjoying it for the beauty that traditional BDSM brings, so they’ve returned to living in the shadows and, I suspect, that’s where we will remain. 

I'm not going to pretend that I'm one of the fairies or fireflies because I'm not. I'll also admit to creating threads with clickbait titles but, my posts have always had a point (other than the funnies) and have been based on either my experiences and/or observations of the scene or OLD.im not big on what some might call the 'old guard' and I know that I've often challenged that mindset simply as I see it as being too rigid but on the flip, I've also challenged viewpoints which are based on nothing more than literotica.
Evolution is great, until its not.

[DarkArts1066]

Copper, you are not wrong - sadly.

I think this slow *** is typical of ALL sites like this, over time. There is another with a similar name to this one which is now full of egotistical individuals, who seem to delight in rubbishing others to anyone who will listen.
Less collaboration and more competition ?It’s like really bad reality TV.

The more unscrupulous amongst us continue to seek out opportunities to *** others.

I physically shudder every time I read profiles -predominantly published by young women, stating that they have ‘no limits’.

Are they doing this because they believe it will make them more attractive to Doms?

Or is it because they have such low self esteem that they crave that kind of extreme attention (read: ***) ?

I could show you many messages I’ve received asking for advice about how to stay safe on sites, because people have been seriously ***d whilst in the care of others - mostly so-called “Doms”.

Their profiles contain the words “no limits” … so one asks, did they bring this *** upon themselves ?

The new trend seems to be towards ‘online’ experiences.
Personally, I’d rather meet up with someone in a quiet cafe or pub somewhere and discuss our mutual kinks, before heading off somewhere to practice them in person - with consent.

I live in North West London - Capital of England.
Total number of ‘real’ meets this year to date - zero.

4RCH - is right. I am becoming very jaded with having to try and educate individuals in how to be ‘safe’, when I would rather be exploring their kinks and fetishes with them instead perhaps.
I used to organise small events down on the South Coast pre- 2020, and am considering pulling away from sites and running invite only events again in my area.
Who knows.
All I know is that the spark has diminished for me - and apparently, many others too.

[Ch****]

I came here when fet was about 6 months old. I've always struggled with this place, mainly because of how I present myself and have one of the rarer kinks out there. I've seen people come and go in the time I've been here. I agree the initial magic this place once projected has gone. I would say two things I noticed that changed it. First the app, it opened fet up to anyone which I feel damaged it's original purpose. It seems to have endless people here now that I would say have no kink or fetish at all, it's just full of chancers who don't read profiles and if they do they think of i can try that. They think a fetish or a kink is something you try rather than have like a condition.
The second thing was when the world got locked down, everyone took a side on covid and it changed people for the worse. Also during that time was when more people had nothing to do and found the app or site. The way I see it now is this place has ended up like the other trash dating sites when it didn't need to, it seems like the original purpose for existing has been forgotten. Or it's just become like all other businesses, all about the share holders and not about the people who make the place. Sad really 💔

[gift_of_beli]

This is still the best I have found since informed consent closed down.....and I still find much good here.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, Chiana said:

Or it's just become like all other businesses, all about the share holders and not about the people who make the place. Sad really 💔

Ultimately, I feel this is likely the case. The site owners and management are responsible for the quality of their product and promoting a culture within it.  Same as how event organizers or clubs are responsible for their events and spaces.

When the majority of the users were genuine kinksters it was easier for the site to naturally be as it was. However, when you open the doors to anyone who wants in and let them run free as opposed to some level of vetting or requiring some sort of orientation and knowledge of the basics the majority is what the energy of the environment is going to become. I'm not suggesting that exclusivity is the solution but I feel like this shift should have been an obvious inevitability if steps weren't taken along the way as the site grew. It's sad and disappointing because there is/was potential to be something magical on the larger scale. 

 

[Th****]

4 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Copper, you are not wrong - sadly.

I think this slow *** is typical of ALL sites like this, over time. There is another with a similar name to this one which is now full of egotistical individuals, who seem to delight in rubbishing others to anyone who will listen.
Less collaboration and more competition ?It’s like really bad reality TV.

The more unscrupulous amongst us continue to seek out opportunities to *** others.

I physically shudder every time I read profiles -predominantly published by young women, stating that they have ‘no limits’.

Are they doing this because they believe it will make them more attractive to Doms?

Or is it because they have such low self esteem that they crave that kind of extreme attention (read: ***) ?

I could show you many messages I’ve received asking for advice about how to stay safe on sites, because people have been seriously ***d whilst in the care of others - mostly so-called “Doms”.

Their profiles contain the words “no limits” … so one asks, did they bring this *** upon themselves ?

The new trend seems to be towards ‘online’ experiences.
Personally, I’d rather meet up with someone in a quiet cafe or pub somewhere and discuss our mutual kinks, before heading off somewhere to practice them in person - with consent.

I live in North West London - Capital of England.
Total number of ‘real’ meets this year to date - zero.

4RCH - is right. I am becoming very jaded with having to try and educate individuals in how to be ‘safe’, when I would rather be exploring their kinks and fetishes with them instead perhaps.
I used to organise small events down on the South Coast pre- 2020, and am considering pulling away from sites and running invite only events again in my area.
Who knows.
All I know is that the spark has diminished for me - and apparently, many others too.
 

I see the "no limits" and "only the limits of my partner" from lots of people all around and ultimately I feel it's ignorance, naivete, overconfidence and ego that are at the root of it. People aren't even aware of all that's out there as options so the possibilities don't even cross their minds. I do also think there are those who think that "no limits" will make them more appealing though in my opinion and most of those I know it's at least a yellow flag if not a red one as it shows either ignorance or poor judgment. In either case it can mean someone is potentially unsafe. 

[do****]

Resilience is the word of the day. I totally understand were you are coming from CK to an extent. I haven't been a part of the online LS community for long, my needs were getting fulfilled IRL so I did not have to. As mentioned, COVID shifted things. And I see exactly what you are saying and Chiana summed it up with "a kink is something you try rather than a condition". I see that as true for the new generation, for most but not all. I've been in this LS long enough to see the resiliency. Imo, we are seen now and no longer taboo. Leaving me to believe we will always be seen. It's too many real ones, like yourself and the commenters above to allow party poopers to ruin the show. We came to far, and I for one am not going back. I also agree with what was stated about going back to exclusive events . That platform never left. That will forever be our domain. This was always a right of passage LS to me. You had to show your worth no matter what side of the slash you chose. Let the wannabes have their fun in the washer because when it gets real they won't make it in the dryer. Great post. Very articulate. I also got from your post the resiliency of our ethics. Those that live true to the rules and their ethics are not going anywhere. This is who we are and live in our truth.

[xp****]

We never look at the “stories” we use this site as a tool to find like minded people with conversations that progress into something. It’s been very successful for us.

[CopperKnob]

30 minutes ago, 4girlsandadaddy said:

We never look at the “stories” we use this site as a tool to find like minded people with conversations that progress into something. It’s been very successful for us.

Yeah, this isn't a 'woe is me, I can't get a message back' kinda post. I've met a great bunch of like-minded people here which is the reason I've stayed.
.
It's more about the 'devolution' of the membership group

[Th****]

59 minutes ago, 4girlsandadaddy said:

We never look at the “stories” we use this site as a tool to find like minded people with conversations that progress into something. It’s been very successful for us.
 

That's great, however it isn't the point of the post. 

[Co****]

What the OP and others have written is interesting having only recently joined this app.
Generally I think this change is something that comes when the old moves on and the new moves in..

I have been around for a long time and have long preferred the private scene, occasionally popping up on various clubs, platforms, apps.

2 similar platforms I was a member for years suffered the same effect imo:
*FetLife for me turned about a decade ago as it grew an influx of fake profiles, picture posters and wannabe “subs/doms/dommes/mistresses with no idea of how to handle the psychology, connection, emotion and tools that come with said roles (this was my engagement irl and in chats…)
Likewise *Whiplr initially encouraged a community/networking but then over the years the soliciting, politics and general trolls tended to take over.

But imo the culture and therefore the change in members joining kink/bdsm/dating platforms turned a while ago post a certain popular film.. and when they start selling bondage starter kits in certain high st stores you can expect the scene to become commercialised as it becomes more accessible.

I agree with others though that lock down indeed ***d self discovery and new and different kind of members, with a lot of “craving for attention” that imo did not help the scene. Also it ***d self educators and yes the aforementioned “self proclaimed experts” so increased the dissemination of misinformation.
Add to that more indulgence in porn during that time helped to create a distortion of the scene to be just about sex (which of course it can be to some) which feeds into the way new people to the scene approach platforms like this.
imo it has enhanced the “gratuitous” perception of kink and a desperate craving for living out fantasies. Its easy to see in the “stories” which tend to be highly fantastical and reek of the naivety of IRL experience..

I don’t begrudge newbies (everyone starts somewhere..) or lack of experience if one is willing to learn.

I digress, I think with most platforms you take from it what you need.
It seems based on this thread that there are still people with knowledge and IRL experience willing to engage share and have proper discussions.
People who want that will dig through the other shit to find it:)

[CopperKnob]

11 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Copper, you are not wrong - sadly.

I think this slow *** is typical of ALL sites like this, over time. There is another with a similar name to this one which is now full of egotistical individuals, who seem to delight in rubbishing others to anyone who will listen.
Less collaboration and more competition ?It’s like really bad reality TV.

The more unscrupulous amongst us continue to seek out opportunities to *** others.

I physically shudder every time I read profiles -predominantly published by young women, stating that they have ‘no limits’.

Are they doing this because they believe it will make them more attractive to Doms?

Or is it because they have such low self esteem that they crave that kind of extreme attention (read: ***) ?

I could show you many messages I’ve received asking for advice about how to stay safe on sites, because people have been seriously ***d whilst in the care of others - mostly so-called “Doms”.

Their profiles contain the words “no limits” … so one asks, did they bring this *** upon themselves ?

The new trend seems to be towards ‘online’ experiences.
Personally, I’d rather meet up with someone in a quiet cafe or pub somewhere and discuss our mutual kinks, before heading off somewhere to practice them in person - with consent.

I live in North West London - Capital of England.
Total number of ‘real’ meets this year to date - zero.

4RCH - is right. I am becoming very jaded with having to try and educate individuals in how to be ‘safe’, when I would rather be exploring their kinks and fetishes with them instead perhaps.
I used to organise small events down on the South Coast pre- 2020, and am considering pulling away from sites and running invite only events again in my area.
Who knows.
All I know is that the spark has diminished for me - and apparently, many others too.

I think, for some, that there is a degree of naivety but for others theres certainly a sense of, any attention is better than none.

We saw it this week, someone posting that they don't get messages returned but when you looked at their profile, that was simply untrue. What they meant was it wasn't the type of message/the right person/the amount was too low. Only for them to comment later that, as a result of their post, they had an inbox full 🤷‍♀️
.
But, you have to wonder, if people are messaging as a response to a pick me post, what's the quality?

[CopperKnob]

10 hours ago, Chiana said:

I came here when fet was about 6 months old. I've always struggled with this place, mainly because of how I present myself and have one of the rarer kinks out there. I've seen people come and go in the time I've been here. I agree the initial magic this place once projected has gone. I would say two things I noticed that changed it. First the app, it opened fet up to anyone which I feel damaged it's original purpose. It seems to have endless people here now that I would say have no kink or fetish at all, it's just full of chancers who don't read profiles and if they do they think of i can try that. They think a fetish or a kink is something you try rather than have like a condition.
The second thing was when the world got locked down, everyone took a side on covid and it changed people for the worse. Also during that time was when more people had nothing to do and found the app or site. The way I see it now is this place has ended up like the other trash dating sites when it didn't need to, it seems like the original purpose for existing has been forgotten. Or it's just become like all other businesses, all about the share holders and not about the people who make the place. Sad really 💔

I agree. Fet held a corner of the market that other kink sites didn't. The commercial side has brought those that are not really into kink here.

[CopperKnob]

7 hours ago, gift_of_beli said:

This is still the best I have found since informed consent closed down.....and I still find much good here.

I still believe that this is the better site for me.

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Coco_De_Leche said:

What the OP and others have written is interesting having only recently joined this app.
Generally I think this change is something that comes when the old moves on and the new moves in..

I have been around for a long time and have long preferred the private scene, occasionally popping up on various clubs, platforms, apps.

2 similar platforms I was a member for years suffered the same effect imo:
*FetLife for me turned about a decade ago as it grew an influx of fake profiles, picture posters and wannabe “subs/doms/dommes/mistresses with no idea of how to handle the psychology, connection, emotion and tools that come with said roles (this was my engagement irl and in chats…)
Likewise *Whiplr initially encouraged a community/networking but then over the years the soliciting, politics and general trolls tended to take over.

But imo the culture and therefore the change in members joining kink/bdsm/dating platforms turned a while ago post a certain popular film.. and when they start selling bondage starter kits in certain high st stores you can expect the scene to become commercialised as it becomes more accessible.

I agree with others though that lock down indeed ***d self discovery and new and different kind of members, with a lot of “craving for attention” that imo did not help the scene. Also it ***d self educators and yes the aforementioned “self proclaimed experts” so increased the dissemination of misinformation.
Add to that more indulgence in porn during that time helped to create a distortion of the scene to be just about sex (which of course it can be to some) which feeds into the way new people to the scene approach platforms like this.
imo it has enhanced the “gratuitous” perception of kink and a desperate craving for living out fantasies. Its easy to see in the “stories” which tend to be highly fantastical and reek of the naivety of IRL experience..

I don’t begrudge newbies (everyone starts somewhere..) or lack of experience if one is willing to learn.

I digress, I think with most platforms you take from it what you need.
It seems based on this thread that there are still people with knowledge and IRL experience willing to engage share and have proper discussions.
People who want that will dig through the other shit to find it:)

Agreed. I'm just in the doldrums over it. I don't want to gatekeep at all but, there are better suited apps/sites for those that have been cropping up over the past few weeks/months.
.
Also, love the username

[Th****]

3 hours ago, Coco_De_Leche said:

What the OP and others have written is interesting having only recently joined this app.
Generally I think this change is something that comes when the old moves on and the new moves in..

I have been around for a long time and have long preferred the private scene, occasionally popping up on various clubs, platforms, apps.

2 similar platforms I was a member for years suffered the same effect imo:
*FetLife for me turned about a decade ago as it grew an influx of fake profiles, picture posters and wannabe “subs/doms/dommes/mistresses with no idea of how to handle the psychology, connection, emotion and tools that come with said roles (this was my engagement irl and in chats…)
Likewise *Whiplr initially encouraged a community/networking but then over the years the soliciting, politics and general trolls tended to take over.

But imo the culture and therefore the change in members joining kink/bdsm/dating platforms turned a while ago post a certain popular film.. and when they start selling bondage starter kits in certain high st stores you can expect the scene to become commercialised as it becomes more accessible.

I agree with others though that lock down indeed ***d self discovery and new and different kind of members, with a lot of “craving for attention” that imo did not help the scene. Also it ***d self educators and yes the aforementioned “self proclaimed experts” so increased the dissemination of misinformation.
Add to that more indulgence in porn during that time helped to create a distortion of the scene to be just about sex (which of course it can be to some) which feeds into the way new people to the scene approach platforms like this.
imo it has enhanced the “gratuitous” perception of kink and a desperate craving for living out fantasies. Its easy to see in the “stories” which tend to be highly fantastical and reek of the naivety of IRL experience..

I don’t begrudge newbies (everyone starts somewhere..) or lack of experience if one is willing to learn.

I digress, I think with most platforms you take from it what you need.
It seems based on this thread that there are still people with knowledge and IRL experience willing to engage share and have proper discussions.
People who want that will dig through the other shit to find it:)

I don't fully disagree but would definitely say that the amount of shit one has to dig through relative to the amount of substance ratios here are not looking good. Fetlife might also have tons of shit but there's a significant amount of substance still there where I'm seeing less and less here. If it weren't for a select few valued friends and other members, I might have left now myself. 

[Si****]

Unfortunately when a place like this becomes known a lot of shitty people flood the site! But know place is safe but if you desire that magic you speak of then I’d go to Fetlife because there’s tons of magical people there and events and tons of pages dedicated to events and kinks and lots of people to talk to and share with …. Now that all being said you’ll still get fuckboys messaging you😂

[Deleted Member]

I too have seen this de-evolution occur over the past few years. Unlike most, I was new to the scene, I learned so much back then. I was curious I asked questions and I received great advice. A few years ago I left, there was a recent surge of people due to Covid and it was very much like a seeking and dating site, something that I thought was odd. I came back due to the many original people I made friends with over the years.
It is different now. I know more things, now I think that all the people that ask questions and are really ready to learn and grow with the knowledge that they can garner here can really benefit from this site. It takes a lot of weeding through. It takes patience, but in the end I see people, like myself, that come here to learn. And in the process of learning they make friends.
The influx of people has led to a lot of misinformation, a lot of mean unnecessary things that are stated, a lot of miscommunication about subjects, feelings, beliefs happen. But doesn’t taking all of that in, allow a person to grow, become more curious about others and themselves?

[Th****]

23 minutes ago, Feral_MountainKing said:

I too have seen this de-evolution occur over the past few years. Unlike most, I was new to the scene, I learned so much back then. I was curious I asked questions and I received great advice. A few years ago I left, there was a recent surge of people due to Covid and it was very much like a seeking and dating site, something that I thought was odd. I came back due to the many original people I made friends with over the years.
It is different now. I know more things, now I think that all the people that ask questions and are really ready to learn and grow with the knowledge that they can garner here can really benefit from this site. It takes a lot of weeding through. It takes patience, but in the end I see people, like myself, that come here to learn. And in the process of learning they make friends.
The influx of people has led to a lot of misinformation, a lot of mean unnecessary things that are stated, a lot of miscommunication about subjects, feelings, beliefs happen. But doesn’t taking all of that in, allow a person to grow, become more curious about others and themselves?

I see a lot fewer people seeking to learn and many more coming in with very rigid (and incorrect) preconceived ideas, then they become belligerent when told otherwise. 

[Gl****]

Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. As far as kink dating apps go… this is the best I have found because of the community aspect of it. The forums are one of the best things about this app and set it apart from others.
I’ve only been on here a few years now and have had great experiences and conversations. I’ve also learned to be very selective on who I talk to. I get tired of some of peoples shit in here too! You are more than welcome to vent with me anytime. I actually wrote a really funny rant once. I think I still have it somewhere lol

[4R****]

5 hours ago, SINrzDream said:

The forums are one of the best things about this app and set it apart from others

I couldn’t agree more!

[Ki****]

I have been here from the beginning. I always appreciated the forums, as there were very few local users for me, it being a European site. I really enjoyed the thoughtful discussions, the more niche fetish posts. It felt like a place with “people like me”, so it was comforting to me. I actually joined because I wasn’t finding guys into foot fetish on other kink dating sites, and it’s in the name, right… Fetish.com?

 

I have been excited to finally see more local users. Unfortunately, many are here for different reasons than us old-timers. But that came with the heavy push on advertising. The app was around a long time before that happened, so I blame the corporate strategy. 
 

That said, they have to make *** to keep it running.  Banking policies made it much harder to process payments for this type of site. If you don’t have that influx of users paying, you can’t keep the lights on. 
 

I don’t like the massive amount of non-kinksters here just looking for a hookup. But they are pretty easy to spot and ignore. Many move on if you do block and don’t feed them. However, I believe that they are also contributing to keeping the bills paid. 
 

This site is the only one I know of with excellent moderators and tech support. People actually respond to site issues and bad players are removed. I have not seen that anywhere else. That, along with interesting forum posts, is exactly the reason why I stay. 
 

I think if more people like you, Copper Knob, and other regular posters continue to carry the mantle, keep posting thoughtful content, you can carry that torch forward. I know it’s not the place that it was, but you are also not the person you were when you joined. Kink is a wonderful magical place, especially when you first embrace it, but sadly there is only one first kiss. By the thousandth, or ten thousandth, it still feels great, but it doesn’t have all of its magic anymore. I hope that you and others will stay, and make this the place that you want it to be.