On a BDSM dating site, the only way you get to meet new kinksters is to reach out by sending that first message. But what should you write about? The kink community prides itself on prioritising trust and communication for all types of relationships, so if you want to up your game and get better at meeting other kinksters online, Fetish.com’s Victoria Blisse has a guide to the dos and don’ts of online messaging.  

 

More than 'Hi' 

A conversation has to begin somewhere, and a greeting is a right place to start. However, just sending a single word in your message isn’t going to get you anywhere. You may think your profile picture is enough to interest your recipient, so you don’t need to put any effort into the message. I’m sorry to say, that isn’t going to work.

When I receive a message that says ‘hi’ and nothing more, I ignore it. Why? Because it seems to me that the sender is firing off lots of messages to as many prospective kink partners as possible - or that they’re not very imaginative.  Neither of which is very attractive at all! 

On Fetish.com, lots of kinksters set their message filter only to receive messages from specific age groups, genders, or just those with a profile pic. Additionally, they can set their filter to receive messages with at a minimum level of characters.  So, a 'Hi' in this case just won't make it through.

Fetish.com's Message Filter
Set your message filter for a more tailored experience.

 

Give a reason

The first question we all ask when we receive a message of any kind is ‘why are they messaging me?’ So if you want a response, you should answer this unspoken question up front. Tell them you were browsing their profile and thought they sounded fun or you saw that post of theirs in the forum and it made you want to know them more. Telling someone you’re interested in them is never a bad thing. However, be tactful. Telling a woman you messaged her because she has big boobs is probably not going to get you very far. 

 

Ask Questions

The purpose of reaching out is to get a response. The best way to get the kinkster you’re messaging to respond is to ask a question. However, it’s essential you ask the right kind of questions. Here are some examples: 

 Wrong Questions  :thumbsdown:

  • Do you want to spank me/want me to punish you?
  • Are your boobs real?
  • Will you send me naked pics of yourself?

Right Questions  :thumbsup:

  • What kind of kinks are you into? 
  • What would you like to know about me?
  • What would you like to talk about? 

Keep the questions as open-ended as possible; this shows you’re interested in the recipient as a person and not just as someone to fulfil your fetishes and kinks! 
 

It's not all about you 

Your ultimate goal in messaging someone on a BDSM dating site might be to indulge in your kink or fetish of choice. However, when you’re messaging someone you are not the most important person in the conversation, they are. Make sure that your whole message doesn’t revolve around you and your needs.  

For example, it’s good to say something like: 
I'm really into feet worshipping, I see you like to have your feet worshipped, and you’re in my area.  How do you like your feet to be treated? I’d love to worship you in just the way you want. 

But avoid any kind of message that looks like this: 
I really love to worship feet. I would love to lick your toes and have you smoosh them in my face. I especially love to suck on big toes for hours and hours. I’ll do that to you. Just send me your address! 


Bad dating message screenshot
Great convo opener...said no one.
 

Safety is Sexy

Do not reveal any personal details to anyone in a message. Also, don’t ask for them. That’ll be a big red flag to your recipient. If you’re arranging to meet, then do so in a public place at first. If you want to meet and indulge in your fetish, look into events at local dungeons and sex clubs. You are then in a public place where, if you choose to do so, you can indulge in your kink. 

Personal safety is essential in all kinds of relationships but especially so in Fetish when you may be looking to give control over completely to another person. 
 

Imagine they're in the room with you

When you’ve written your first message, imagine that the person is there in the room with you. If you wouldn’t say what you’ve written to someone face to face – don’t send it! Also, this is an excellent way to check that your message gives an opportunity for them to respond to you. Check you’ve written a first message that keeps to the rules of dating etiquette

I can’t write your first message for you, but if you follow the hints and tips above, I know you’ll have lots of success on fetish.com :gimp:


Put it into practice, get sending messages, share a personal ad or join our BDSM forum and find like-minded kinksters today. 

Join the discussion in the BDSM forum on Fetish.com


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Guest Romantic

Posted

If you are into a specific fetish how do you find people with the same fetish 

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