On a BDSM dating site, the only way you get to meet new kinksters is to reach out by sending that first message. But what should you write about? The kink community prides itself on prioritising trust and communication for all types of relationships, so if you want to up your game and get better at meeting other kinksters online, we asked Victoria Blisse to to give you the dos and don’ts of online messaging.  

 

More than 'Hi' 

A conversation has to begin somewhere, and a greeting is a right place to start. However, just sending a single word in your message isn’t going to get you anywhere. You may think your profile picture is enough to interest your recipient, so you don’t need to put any effort into the message. I’m sorry to say, that isn’t going to work.

When I receive a message that says ‘hi’ and nothing more, I ignore it. Why? Because it seems to me that the sender is firing off lots of messages to as many prospective kink partners as possible - or that they’re not very imaginative.  Neither of which is very attractive at all! 

On Fetish.com, lots of kinksters set their message filter only to receive messages from specific age groups, genders, or just those with a profile pic. Additionally, they can set their filter to receive messages with at a minimum level of characters.  So, a 'Hi' in this case just won't make it through.

Fetish.com's Message Filter
Set your message filter for a more tailored experience.
 

Give a reason

The first question we all ask when we receive a message of any kind is ‘why are they messaging me?’ So if you want a response, you should answer this unspoken question up front. Tell them you were browsing their profile and thought they sounded fun or you saw that post of theirs in the forum and it made you want to know them more. Telling someone you’re interested in them is never a bad thing. However, be tactful. Telling a woman you messaged her because she has big boobs is probably not going to get you very far. 

 

Ask Questions

The purpose of reaching out is to get a response. The best way to get the kinkster you’re messaging to respond is to ask a question. However, it’s essential you ask the right kind of questions. Here are some examples: 

 Wrong Questions  :thumbsdown:

  • Do you want to spank me/want me to punish you?
  • Are your boobs real?
  • Will you send me naked pics of yourself?

Right Questions  :thumbsup:

  • What kind of kinks are you into? 
  • What would you like to know about me?
  • What would you like to talk about? 

Keep the questions as open-ended as possible; this shows you’re interested in the recipient as a person and not just as someone to fulfil your fetishes and kinks! 
 

It's not all about you 

Your ultimate goal in messaging someone on a BDSM dating site might be to indulge in your kink or fetish of choice. However, when you’re messaging someone you are not the most important person in the conversation, they are. Make sure that your whole message doesn’t revolve around you and your needs.  

For example, it’s good to say something like: 
I'm really into feet worshipping, I see you like to have your feet worshipped, and you’re in my area.  How do you like your feet to be treated? I’d love to worship you in just the way you want. 

But avoid any kind of message that looks like this: 
I really love to worship feet. I would love to lick your toes and have you smoosh them in my face. I especially love to suck on big toes for hours and hours. I’ll do that to you. Just send me your address! 


Bad dating message screenshot
Great convo opener...said no one.
 

Safety is Sexy

Do not reveal any personal details to anyone in a message. Also, don’t ask for them. That’ll be a big red flag to your recipient. If you’re arranging to meet, then do so in a public place at first. If you want to meet and indulge in your fetish, look into events at local dungeons and sex clubs. You are then in a public place where, if you choose to do so, you can indulge in your kink. 

Personal safety is essential in all kinds of relationships but especially so in Fetish when you may be looking to give control over completely to another person. 
 

Imagine they're in the room with you

When you’ve written your first message, imagine that the person is there in the room with you. If you wouldn’t say what you’ve written to someone face to face – don’t send it! Also, this is an excellent way to check that your message gives an opportunity for them to respond to you. Check you’ve written a first message that keeps to the rules of dating etiquette

I can’t write your first message for you, but if you follow the hints and tips above, I know you’ll have lots of success. :gimp:



Put it into practice, get sending messages, or join our BDSM forum and find like-minded kinksters today. 

Join the discussion in the BDSM forum on Fetish.com

Cover image: via Shutterstock.com
  • Like 75

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Posted

It’s very difficult to find compatibility even on FET.

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Sasuke-1

Posted

If you’re not attractive it doesn’t matter what you write

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Du****

Posted

Same. If I wanted to know anything about them, I’d have asked. If they’ve messaged me first, it’s up to them to spark my interest.

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Zu****

Posted

If I receive a first message asking me what I want to know abou them, I will send the "No thank you". If I want to know about someond I take initiative and ask.

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Ge****

Posted

Awesome

  • Like 1

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Youranything28

Posted

Yeah but i cant message anyone without a membership soooooooooo...

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Posted

I am very interested in this subject.  I agree with BeardedSi, to me it seems that profile text is frequently just ignored.  I try and follow up profile views with a polite reply as it is quite likely they were possibly just "Driving By" and didn't think a Hello would be polite.  Something made them look, so I ask what it may have been, and give an open invitation to reply with a polite message.

This approach has worked for me in the past, even when they have said that they are not interested, which of course is fair enough, just keeping the conversation going can open previously closed doors.

I also believe that the art of conversation is really withering on the vine, as it is too easy to fall into text speak and very short messages.  Sometimes I think it would be better if we were unable to append pictures to messages, ask any lady how many dick pics she gets, and how many impress her.

To DomDaddySteve I say, politely, if your messages are not getting returned maybe it is time to change what you are sending. Also be methodical in your approach and don't give up after one attempt, in my experience being persistent can really pay off.

I believe I am better than most at being completely ignored, I have one of those faces, especially by beautiful women I would like to talk to and later meet.  Sure it is a numbers game, I send many many messages, before I get even a profile view, but I believe a profile view is a very faint glow of interest.  Take that and send a second followup message, you just never know what will open the door to a reply.

And finally the last thing is when you have sent a lot of messages, you may have to admit defeat and realise that you are not going to get a polite reply, do not descend into the depths of sending a nasty message as a parting shot.

 

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Ca****

Posted

Hard to fine lol

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BeardedSi

Posted

I think a major problem is that people seem to completely ignore what's on a person's profile before messaging. They just see a picture and like a horny teenager just blow their load in the first message. I can't count the amount of times someone has messaged my sub saying about how they really like her profile and think they have a lot in common. Only to then try it on.... seems like selective blindness is real. That and I'm pretty sure some people just don't have any actual social skills so if they aren't sending dick pics then they have no idea of how to hold an actual conversation.

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Flynn

Posted

Salty 😂

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Do****

Posted

Doesn’t matter what you send these days, girls just ghost you no matter what. On here you can even see sent vs received messages, most women have either sent zero replies to all messages or barely 50% response rate. Dating sites are just as bad.
I’m sure guys are just as guilty

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cy****

Posted

I nee the information

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at****

Posted

Its important and good to know about this on every signin.,

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Posted

Fetish aside, this should be on every single dating site, and a must-read on signing up.

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36****

Posted

If you are into a specific fetish how do you find people with the same fetish 

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