I've known that I was "different" my whole life. The other kids in school made it very clear that I was not like them... I didn't learn why I am the way I am until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD, and then autism a while later. Now, at 40, I'm trying to untangle the mess of my brain and learn how to live more authentically. Unmasking is difficult under the best of circumstances, but trying to do it at this age feels next to impossible sometimes.
I've been very open with people at work about the challenges I face every day, and while some of them are empathetic, I can tell that they don't understand what I'm going through. The ones who aren't empathetic look at me like I'm insane. I don't blame them for not being able to understand, but it does make it that much harder to discover and be my real self. I find myself slipping back into the mask without even thinking about it, and afterwards, when I realize what I've done, I feel gross about it. I'm trying really hard to be compassionate with myself, but some days it's nearly impossible not to feel like a castoff that society just doesn't care to understand.
And don't even get me started on neurotypical "communication"... You will never convince me that the neurodiverse crowd are the ones with communications issues. The more I embrace my neurodiversity, the more unbearable communicating with "them" becomes.
Aside from all of that, I've been discovering the kinky ways that my brain and body get turned on, and trying to find someone who "matches my freak" feels impossible. I'm very happy with my wife, but she is much more vanilla than I am, and has medical issues that prevent her from being as sexually active as she would like.
So, here I am, looking for a kink partner to share in the insanity. Feels kinda hopeless at this point. Thanks for letting me vent 🙂