Fear Play: A Guide to Going Beyond Kinky Talk

Ever been in the middle of sex when suddenly your partner said something that made you catch your breath with both excitement and terror? Welcome to fear play, where you don’t run from the stuff that scares you, you step right in. Cameryn Moore serves up a fear play guide for those who want to take things further.

BDSM fear play can include things like breath play, knife play (or other weapons), and torture fantasies. If someone did these activities to you in real life with the intent to cause harm, they could. If an accident happens, these activities or objects could still cause damage.
 

Some people enjoy taking these kinds of kinks out to some pretty extreme edges, but without appropriate care and training and/or mentorship, these can be dangerous fetishes. This is why it's important to lay out some safer ways to approach BDSM fear play.
 

Playing with fear

First of all, test the waters by talking about your fear fantasies, but not while you're indulging in sex. Look at your BDSM fear play fantasy in the sober, calm light of day and dredge up all the details. Is there a plot that keeps running through your head? Share it. Make a mental inventory of all the sharp bits in your dream laboratory. Ask your partner what they like about your hand around their throat: is it the restraints, the power dynamic, or even the idea of losing consciousness?

Is choking one of your fear play fantasies? 

While you’re having these conversations, take notes, either real ones or in your head. If you decide you want to go beyond dirty talk and dabble in fear play, then you’re going to want to come back to those notes for logistics. Now for some ideas for moving from discussion to doing stuff.

BDSM fear play safety

When I first started exploring knife play, I knew that I didn't actually want to have my skin or membranes damaged; I was more interested in both the sensation of cold metal and the psychology of threat. But at the same time, I wanted to push my fear boundaries out, and the idea of having a knife in my cunt turned me right the fuck on.

So, when making out with my partner, he would use a sharper blade on the surface of my skin and kept the kinky talk going the whole time to get me in the right headspace. At the last moment, when I wasn’t paying attention, he slipped in a harmless butter knife instead. It worked like a charm: I forgot that it was just a butter knife, and lay there paralyzed until I came.

My fear play scenario described above relies on the power of so-called feel-alikes. These are objects or activities that look or feel similar enough to the potentially dangerous/harmful ones that will work to get you off, along with the help of the power of suggestion.

“Some people enjoy taking these kinks out to extreme edges, but without appropriate care and training, these can be dangerous fetishes. This is why it's important to lay out some safer ways to approach BDSM fear play.”

For example, if you like the idea of hooks getting jammed through your nipples – but are really not into body modification and sensation – your partner can get some good nipple clamps and attach them to your nips as tightly as possible, then yank you around by those.

Or, if you wanted to try breath play involving rope around your neck, you could try getting a snug BDSM collar just made of rope to get that feeling, rather than a real rope. 


Feel-alikes and props like a fake knife can help with safer fear play

BDSM fear play props 

If you're scared of an actual fetish item – say, weapons, or a thoroughly heated branding iron or a lit cigarette for an abuse scene – you can find props or non-functional versions that are not going to involve danger or physical damage of any sort.

MORE LIKE THIS:

• BDSM Knife Play: Testing Your Edges
• Take My Breath Away: A Breath Play Guide
• Trampling Fetish: A Guide
   

Prop knives and guns exist. Cigarettes should remain unsmoked (light one and put it out in an ashtray, if the smell is important). A branding iron can be bought or mimicked, and heated only to the point where it’s tolerably hot, but not damaging.

Ramping up fear play  

Some people like to dive straight into dangerous waters. Myself, I prefer to break my exploration down into smaller chunks, to give me room to pull the plug easily, if I want to.

“If you're scared of an actual fetish item – say a heated branding iron or a lit cigarette for an abuse scene – you can find props or non-functional versions that are not going to involve physical damage of any sort.”

This was true for knife play, and also when my partner and I explored choking. It started with just having his hand resting on my throat; when I got comfortable with that, he would try a tighter grip or a different position in subsequent scenes. Throughout, he would keep up the stream of harsh talk that went along with the scene in our minds; but the actual choking experience he meted out in very deliberate, measured doses.

Even when you’re going slow, test out your risky business when everyone involved is sober and alert; a fake knife can still hurt if you’re not paying attention, and emotional awareness is always necessary. And remember: at the base of it, fear play is still BDSM, which means both participants need a safe word and the use of that is an absolute emergency brake. Good scene-setting will help you get in touch with your fear factor; you don’t need to break any boundaries to enjoy fear play! •

Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time (former) phone sex operator.

What's your opinion on BDSM fear play? Are you into breath play, BDSM torture or knife play? Reveal all in the Fetish.com forum. 

Images: shutterstock/Tik.tak and shutterstock/Verushka