Molly's BDSM Tips | Exploring Abandonment Kink & Play
BDSM abandonment play – AKA abandonment fantasy or abandonment fetish – is common on the kink scene, but how do you go about assessing the risks? Our advice columnist Molly gives some tips to one member who'd like to explore his abandonment kink but needs help in nurturing confidence in his partner.
Dear Molly,
I'm very interested in abandonment play. I love the idea of being tied up, left and made to wait; it really turns me on. But when I talk to my partner, she likes the idea of it, but worries about the risks involved. I wonder if you have any advice I can share that might help her feel more confident so that we can explore this kink together?
A. Bandoned
Dear A. Bandoned,
Abandonment play is a great subject that I've definitely not tackled before. Abandonment play can take many different forms, but mostly, it means leaving a person alone and isolated for a given period, usually bound in some way so they can't 'escape'. The abandoned person gets off on the feelings of vulnerability and loss of control. All they can do is wait and trust in their partner to return for them.
Abandonment play and RACK
Risk Aware Consensual Kink (or RACK as it's more commonly known) means assessing the risk of any kink and ensuring it's consensual. RACK certainly pertains to abandonment play and your question, so in that sense, your partner is wise to be cautious.
Your partner is showing a great deal of thought and care for your wellbeing, and that's a positive thing. However, it's also leading them to not trying things out. While abandonment is something you want to explore, it's a potential problem for you both. The key is to spend a bit of time looking through what the potential risks might be, and seeing if there are things they can put into place to mitigate them.
Assessing the risk of BDSM abandonment play
The risk involved clearly depends on what you actually do. For example, my partner once chained me to the radiator in the bedroom. I had enough chain to reach the bed and the bathroom, but apart from that, I couldn't go anywhere. He then went downstairs and left me. He would reappear every so often to 'use me' and then go away again.
The risk involved was relatively minimal, and I certainly felt alone, but in reality, he was only downstairs and would've been able to hear me if I called. Maybe starting with something like this would help your partner to grow in confidence concerning this kink and allow you to experience it with minimal risk.
Clearly, the more restrained you are and the further away someone goes when they abandon you, the greater the risk. The key is to think about things you can put into place to protect you, so, for example, you could use a baby monitor if your partner wanted to try going out into the garden. They can still hear you if you call and you don't have to have your hands free to use it.
If they're going out and leaving you, then my suggestion would be to make sure that they leave you with a mobile phone and at least one hand free in case of emergencies. Or they could even call you from time to time, as well as check on you to tell you what they plan to do on their return. It keeps up the connection and will help your partner to know you're still OK while they're gone.
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Respecting BDSM boundaries
You might also discover that abandonment play is just not for your partner, although hopefully, with some adaptations like I've described above, they'll see how you can explore abandonment play with minimal risk. One of the most important parts of a kink relationship is respecting each other's boundaries. If this kink doesn't work for your partner, then you need to talk about whether it's something you feel you need to explore in your life or if it's something you can live without.
Good luck!
Molly x
Do you have an abandonment kink? Help out fellow kinksters by answering their questions on the subject in the Fetish.com forum. 
For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum. 
Cover Image: model released from Shutterstock.com
🖤 Our Abandonment Kink FAQ
What is abandonment kink?
Abandonment kink is a type of BDSM play that centers on the fantasy of being left, ignored, or emotionally “cast aside” — consensually, of course. It often taps into deep feelings of vulnerability and surrender, making it both psychologically edgy and intensely erotic for some players.
What does abandonment play look like in BDSM?
Abandonment play in BDSM can take many forms. Maybe it’s being tied up and left alone for a while. Maybe it’s not hearing from your partner for hours. Maybe it’s the emotional drop of being “used” and then walked away from. It’s about creating a safe space to explore feelings like longing, ***ness, or even rejection — all negotiated in advance.
Is abandonment play the same as emotional neglect?
Not at all. While the fantasy of abandonment in BDSM might mirror emotional neglect on the surface, in reality, it’s completely different. In abandonment play, trust, communication, and consent are key. You’re not being ignored — you’re choosing to play with that illusion in a controlled, supportive way. For some, it can even be healing.
How do I explore abandonment bondage safely?
Start small. Abandonment bondage — being restrained and left alone — should always include safety measures. Think: baby monitors, check-in calls, or keeping one hand free. You can also work your way up from “being left” in another room to longer sessions over time. It’s all about trust, pacing, and risk awareness.
What’s the difference between abandonment play and other BDSM scenarios?
Unlike ***-based scenes or service submission, abandonment play kink focuses more on the emotional tension and psychological mindfuck of being alone. It's less about action and more about anticipation, waiting, and internal experience. The Dominant’s absence becomes the ultimate form of control — and the return? Delicious.
Can abandonment play trigger past trauma?
Yes — and that’s why it needs care. For some, fantasy abandonment in BDSM can echo real-life experiences of neglect or rejection. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it means partners need to communicate openly and build in strong aftercare. For others, the scene offers a safe, empowering way to reclaim those feelings.
Is abandonment play always about being tied up?
Not necessarily. While abandonment bondage is common, some scenes involve emotional or communicative silence rather than physical restraint. No texts, no affection, no reassurance — just stillness. Others blend both. The key is to create a consensual container where the submissive can safely drop into that space.
How do I talk to my partner about trying abandonment play?
Keep it honest but low-pressure. Try saying, “I’ve been fantasizing about abandonment play — the idea of you leaving me tied up or ignored for a while really turns me on. Would you be open to exploring it together, with clear boundaries and check-ins?” Show that you’ve thought through the risks — and that their comfort matters too.
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