Molly's BDSM Tips | Exploring Abandonment Play

BDSM abandonment play – AKA abandonment fantasy or abandonment fetish – is common on the kink scene, but how do you go about assessing the risks? Our advice columnist Molly gives some tips to one member who'd like to explore his abandonment kink but needs help in nurturing confidence in his partner.  

Dear Molly, 
I'm very interested in abandonment play. I love the idea of being tied up, left and made to wait; it really turns me on. But when I talk to my partner, she likes the idea of it, but worries about the risks involved. I wonder if you have any advice I can share that might help her feel more confident so that we can explore this kink together?
A. Bandoned
 

Dear A. Bandoned,
Abandonment play is a great subject that I've definitely not tackled before. Abandonment play can take many different forms, but mostly, it means leaving a person alone and isolated for a given period, usually bound in some way so they can't 'escape'. The abandoned person gets off on the feelings of vulnerability and loss of control. All they can do is wait and trust in their partner to return for them. 
 

Abandonment play and RACK 

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (or RACK as it's more commonly known) means assessing the risk of any kink and ensuring it's consensual. RACK certainly pertains to abandonment play and your question, so in that sense, your partner is wise to be cautious. 
 

Your partner is showing a great deal of thought and care for your wellbeing, and that's a positive thing. However, it's also leading them to not trying things out. While abandonment is something you want to explore, it's a potential problem for you both. The key is to spend a bit of time looking through what the potential risks might be, and seeing if there are things they can put into place to mitigate them.
 

Assessing the risk of BDSM abandonment play

The risk involved clearly depends on what you actually do.

For example, my partner once chained me to the radiator in the bedroom. I had enough chain to reach the bed and the bathroom, but apart from that, I couldn't go anywhere. He then went downstairs and left me. He would reappear every so often to 'use me' and then go away again.
 

The risk involved was relatively minimal, and I certainly felt alone, but in reality, he was only downstairs and would've been able to hear me if I called. Maybe starting with something like this would help your partner to grow in confidence concerning this kink and allow you to experience it with minimal risk.

Clearly, the more restrained you are and the further away someone goes when they abandon you, the greater the risk. The key is to think about things you can put into place to protect you, so, for example, you could use a baby monitor if your partner wanted to try going out into the garden. They can still hear you if you call and you don't have to have your hands free to use it.
 

If they're going out and leaving you, then my suggestion would be to make sure that they leave you with a mobile phone and at least one hand free in case of emergencies. Or they could even call you from time to time, as well as check on you to tell you what they plan to do on their return. It keeps up the connection and will help your partner to know you're still OK while they're gone.
 

Respecting BDSM boundaries

You might also discover that abandonment play is just not for your partner, although hopefully with some adaptations like I've described above, they'll see how you can explore abandonment play with minimal risk. One of the most important parts of a kink relationship is respecting each other's boundaries. If this kink doesn't work for your partner, then you need to talk about whether it's something you feel you need to explore in your life or if it's something you can live without. 
Good luck! 
Molly x


Do you have an abandonment kink? Help out fellow kinksters by answering their questions on the subject in the Fetish.com forum. 

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish.com profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum. 

 
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