So how did you get better as a Dom?

[jS****]

“…you’ll get the best answers from yourself…With a work of self-knowledge to establish your particular role” -dude wtf does any of this even mean?! And if he’s reaching out, clearly he won’t get the best answers from himself, so….what?

[Deleted Member]

For me, most of what I've learned and what I know really came from just talking to interesting people that were into similar things as me. Of course things like stories online, toy shops or just porn can make it possible to learn about a lot more things if you can invest some time into it but ultimately you'll have to figure out what kind of dom/switch/sub you are and that'll work best with talking to similar people. And no, you don't have to be aggressive or have a dominant personality at all to be a good Dom. I for example kind of assumed for a while that because my personality doesn't match my sexuality at all, I can't be a good Dom but there's so many ways you can be sexually dominant. You'll eventually find yours, just don't try to fit into any stereotypes too much

[Deleted Member]

My friend... It depends the sub you wanna satisfy! There's not a rule :)
Just be smart, emphatic and mind-blowing for your partner and see if it works!

[Deleted Member]

Aggressive and dominant are not the same. In fact, I view those that think they you have to be aggressive to be in control are extremely unsafe people to play with.

You learn how to be a dominant the same as you do anything else. You find classes (whether they are online or in person). You talk to others and learn from their wisdom. You make sure you know what you are doing before trying anything with another person. This lifestyle isn't all fun and games. It can be dangerous if you don't take your time and learn what you are doing; and how to do it safely.

[The_Rev_]

Well said, TheMacabreBrat, agree 100%

[Ve****]

Dear JayRuss, let me invite you define your dominance with your personality, style, strengths and goals. Don’t let those aggressive dins define the role. You might find they overrate themselves and are less desiring then of your dreams.

[Ki****]

Nothing beats learning from watching and listening to real people running workshops and offering advice at kink events. Sign up to FetLife. Look for local munches and classes. Go along and meet people and really listen to the advice they offer. If you show yourself to be trustworthy and respectful, they might just invite you to try things out with guidance. You don’t need to be naturally aggressive to be a Dom. There are many different types and styles of domination.

[The_Rev_]

Excellent

[Hex1]

As a submissive that is constantly nervous,shy,paranoid,and quiet how would I get better at being dominant. I can do basic stuff like approaching and fucking normally and roughly even sometimes able to weakly muster up something slightly degrading before going back to being silent. Although spanking seems to be an easy task. For me I usually keep on a very locked frowny and boring expression on my face and stay quiet, out of likely being nervous or just as I casually am. Problem is I have trouble getting the right mindset to commit to something,worried to hurt someone somehow or mess up. Got any ideas? Maybe there's submissives to test the waters with or something like this?

[Si****]

Communicate, experiment, debrief after sessions.
Talking is the best way to gain experience.
Practical part comes easier when you know what you are supposed to be doing and you know what your partner likes.

[Female_diogenes]

In my personal opinion, it's the opposite, you have to have high empathy to Dom, because you are imagining and experiencing what the submissive is while you do it to them. But for me too, part of how I came to understand submissives desires on a deep level, especially cuck's, is being a DID system (multiple personalities), where a main fronter is a guy. Long before that I started to pick up on submissive men's fantasies of being women and jealousy and envy of me for being one. The phrases "if I was a woman I would-" and things along the lines of "I would make a better woman than you because-" Years after I started hearing these things frequently I met my current cuck who I share a body with and he is my alter, and even though we already have a hot woman's body, I could see into his thoughts and see things similar to that. After I met him, my understanding of submissive men doubled, tripped, quadrupled, and grows every moment we connect and communicate. I really honestly think it's my desire to find a Dom myself, which I've never had, that allows me to understand what they are thinking and going through. Many doms may hide this, especially if they are dudes, but I don't understand that. It's my drive to find one that informs me on how to behave as one. Where's the shame in that? 

[jo****]

On 10/29/2024 at 5:50 PM, Pleaser4KneepadFun said:

Can someone suggest a few good books?

The question would probably be: Books about what specifically?  Are you more into D/s? Bondage? S/M? The book recommendations certainly differ in those situations...

[La****]

I'd actually recommend reading erotica aimed at a female audience. I found a lot of Dom/sub dynamics explored there, and it not only informs you of types of play that your partner might enjoy, but also helps you learn what kinds of play YOU find arousing as well. Don't limit it to written erotica, either; video pxrn/hxntai is full of kinky play scenarios that you could replicate in some form. Of course, this is just general advice for a single person looking to explore, because the hands-down best way to be a better Dom for your sub is through communication. Listen to what they say arouses them, workshop ideas with them, and pay attention to body signals during play with them.

[jo****]

2 hours ago, LanceOfAll said:

I'd actually recommend reading erotica aimed at a female audience. I found a lot of Dom/sub dynamics explored there

The potential problem is that it's fiction, which is good for some inspiration, but rarely focuses on getting a true understanding of the D/s-dynamics, or at the chores of maintaining a D/s relationship.  If this is really about D/s, I can recommend the following two books:

• The Heart of Dominance A Guide to Practicing Consensual Dominance (Anton Fulmen)
• Conquer Me Girl-to-Girl Wisdom About Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires (Kacie Cunningham)

Those are "textbooks" (i.e. non-fiction) by people well established in the kink community sharing their wisdoms from their personal experienc as well as those experiences from people they know.  The first one is written by a male Dom, the second one by a female sub.  They go both far beyond covering just their perspective role or only addressing readers of that role.  Rather, they do make a very good read for both sides, even of other genders than those of the authors.

Those books helped me a lot to intellectually explore my D/s to a level of clarity I probalby wouldn't have achieved on my own.