Gender vs Biology

[Deleted Member]

OK - up front I know I’m broaching a sensitive subject that requires a level of diplomacy. 
 

I am a cis male. 
I have no interest in other males or other people with a penis (sorry if that offends anyone but it’s just my preference - and I’m sure you have your own preferences that are inclusive to one subset and exclusive of another subset).  
 

The debate of “gender” versus “biology” is not a new concept and I respect that all genders should be recognised. However I will also admit that I know only what I know and there are gaps.  
 

But - for me (selfish maybe?) when a profile states “non-binary” ( I respect your choice to express yourself that way ) - depending on the pictures and other information provided,  I may not be immediately aware whether, as a cis male, you are on my radar or not.  
 

My question is - how do I know or how do I go about finding out in an efficient but polite and respectful manner ?

I apologise to anyone who finds this non-PC, I have tried to be respectful but it’s my interpretation.   The upshot is I just ask straight off if the person has a penis - and maybe that’s the answer - but it seems a little blunt and insensitive - so at least respect that I’m trying to consider the other persons feelings and expression.  
 

Thanks team fetish for any useful advice 

Luke x

[Azdesh]

I agree and also have the same question lol

[Gi****]

I don't quite get where you want to go with this.

If you find someone sexually attractive but you know that will change if they have certain body features you will have to ask at some point. Same with anything else if you want to date online. There are a bunch of things that you don't know about that person so you have to ask at some point.

What's interesting to you, at what point you ask those questions, etc is just up to you. Just exchange gender with something like tattoos and maybe your problems vanish?

[Craig1980]

I don't think you are being rude... you are a cis male looking for a cis female... that is all as you stated its about understanding and respect there are ppl in the world who are transgender and in that breath you want them to be understanding and respectful back...

[Th****]

If I was non-binary, I'd instantly block anyone asking if I had a penis. There is much more to me than what parts I have. 

It makes it seem like you only see others people has sexual objects. BDSM is so much more than just sex. Hell it doesn't even have to include sex.

 

As for how to do this more nicely, I have no idea because it's a pretty horrible thing to only care about if they have a penis or not.

[Craig1980]

(If I'm reading your comment correctly) you are a cis male who is looking to date a cis female, and that is fine... as you said, it's about understanding and being respectful... you understand and respect that in the world, there are non-binary and transgender people... and in that same breath, you wish to have someone to be understanding and respectful of you and what you are looking for...

[ge****]

Whilst I understand it may present you with a dilemma of sorts - perhaps by taking a step back and treating people as people first and foremost, rather than as potential sexual partners is the way to go - get to know them as a person, understand their likes and dislikes etc and you'll probably find pointers that answer your questions come along the way.
.
Perhaps you could also make it clear on *your* profile that you are straight and have no interest in people with a penis though respect those that do - which then gives people you contact the information *they* need to know ahead of engaging or taking things down a route that may be a waste of their time.

[Tw****]

Honestly just ask. If they choose to be offended by you asking a legit question then likely you're not going to be compatible anyway . Consider it a good filter question.

[ey****]

Simple : they're not on "your radar"

 

I get where you are going that you would extend your search from cis women, to people who identify as non-binary but have a vagina.   

But, like, what does non binary mean to them?  Like, they may be vagina-owning and femme-presenting, and you might think "hey, no problem" - but do you understand their general needs here?   What if they, for example, wished to appear masc? or take T? Or have top surgery? Or, I dunno - not shave legs/body hair? 

If this is something where you can't go "I'd be ok with that!" then it's not a route to go down  

[Ta****]

i’d say just ask them if they’ve had any gender-affirmation surgeries done. that’s a more respectful way of asking I suppose than just asking if they’ve have a dick or not. Also make sure you mention that it is a question that comes from a respectful place and that you are trying to see if they’ve are a match for you sexually.

[Pi****]

just dont get with trans & non binary people then if a penis is too scary for
you.

[Pi****]

I genuinely dont feel like you would understand & nurture their experience and their desires if you are so focused on something they had no choice in. this does not read as “i want to support non binary people but idk how”, it reads as “i want to fuck nonbinary people but they find what i say offensive”. perhaps do
your own research. putting non binary in quotation marks and asking how to get with them without upsetting them abt the literal foundation to their experience as a person usually means: dont get with them then bc u dont understand & clearly dont know how to even approach sensitive subjects the people u wanna fuck. how am i supposed to help u be more sensitive when u put NonBinary in QUOTES!

[Ha****]

This is giving borderline offensive and I’m not understanding why it was allowed to be posted. But, I’ll give the admins the benefit of the doubt… My advice: Save non-binary the headache of having to deal with you and remove the search option “non-binary” from your FET account. If you’re that concerned, stick to cis women… but I doubt we want to be bothered with you either.

[ca****]

Might be more polite to ask if they are AFAB (assigned female at birth), then bluntly asking about their equipment. Also consider, would you date a trans woman who has gone through bottom surgery (she now has a vulva)?

[Shadowlight]

Just ask nicely.

[ma****]

There’s nothing wrong with having your preferences. If you only want to date cis women, then do that. Now if you are open for non binary pussy you can say respectfully I’m only interested in dating bodies with a pussy… regardless of the gender. That’s if you are open to dating trans and non binary folks.

[Th****]

1 hour ago, HappyFatLady said:

This is giving borderline offensive and I’m not understanding why it was allowed to be posted. But, I’ll give the admins the benefit of the doubt… My advice: Save non-binary the headache of having to deal with you and remove the search option “non-binary” from your FET account. If you’re that concerned, stick to cis women… but I doubt we want to be bothered with you either.

I would agree with you in the borderline offensive but it also comes off that it's based in ignorance and transphobia.

Just like white people can be ignorantly racist and have problematic behaviors and ideas, people can also be ignorantly homophobic or transphobic. There's quite a lot of ignorance in the responses as well. 

OP, you should leave non-binary and trans people alone. Make sure you have on your profile here and any other dating site you might be in that you're only interested in cis women. However, be prepared for a lot of cis women to avoid you because of this. 

I'm not saying that you're being intentionally malicious but it's absolutely possible to be problematic and cause harm without the intent to do so.

[Hezzair]

I am kind of with @ThaliaV and @HappyFatLady on this one. While you are clearly not attempting to be at all offensive, it gives off microaggression. I am guessing this is because of implicit homophobic bias that you likely have that you don't even realize you have. My suggestion would honestly be that you just exclude the trans/NB folks from your search because you'd probably not do well with them in the long run. Ask yourself this and answer it honestly. Would you date a trans man, meaning some one who was assigned female at birth , but felt that body was not right and has chosen to ID as male in whatever way fits them best and does not have a penis? I am guessing the answer to that is probably no, especially if the trans man happens to be a burly looking dude with a beard.
Luke, we all have implicit biases, and the best we can do is try our best to get over them.

[CD****]

I think it's a fair question I'm a sexual deviant who wishes to femme/ŵoman in sexual settings..love it from thigh highs to gagging on what's being delivered to me by whom ever at the the tme!!! There's no box to check for that..it's great to have such constant advocates to be quick to come to the rescue of the trans,cd,etc.....any other than M/F,but I have to say it sounds like the so called offended commentary are the ones provoking a fight....race was even thrown in there which the original had nothing mentioned about.. I'm truly interested in a good answer to that post because it affects both seyes. I'm on the completely other side of what that gentleman was asking so don't start c*** Just because you have nothing better to do than tear apart everybody's questions.
You know who you are.......

[ma****]

1 hour ago, ThaliaV said:

I would agree with you in the borderline offensive but it also comes off that it's based in ignorance and transphobia.

Just like white people can be ignorantly racist and have problematic behaviors and ideas, people can also be ignorantly homophobic or transphobic. There's quite a lot of ignorance in the responses as well. 

OP, you should leave non-binary and trans people alone. Make sure you have on your profile here and any other dating site you might be in that you're only interested in cis women. However, be prepared for a lot of cis women to avoid you because of this. 

I'm not saying that you're being intentionally malicious but it's absolutely possible to be problematic and cause harm without the intent to do so.

Literally nothing wrong with him only wanting to date cis women, or only wanting to date bodies with certain body parts. Does some internalized transphobia show a bit, sure. Does a *** of being perceived as offensive come thru, sure. I would give OP the benefit of the doubt clearly he’s going to great depths to try to not be harmful, so best thing is to politely point out the programming rather than shame him for having a preference and doing his best to communicate and ASK for help. Not everyone wants to work and play with all the human parts.

[ma****]

3 hours ago, PistolPhoenix said:

I genuinely dont feel like you would understand & nurture their experience and their desires if you are so focused on something they had no choice in. this does not read as “i want to support non binary people but idk how”, it reads as “i want to fuck nonbinary people but they find what i say offensive”. perhaps do
your own research. putting non binary in quotation marks and asking how to get with them without upsetting them abt the literal foundation to their experience as a person usually means: dont get with them then bc u dont understand & clearly dont know how to even approach sensitive subjects the people u wanna fuck. how am i supposed to help u be more sensitive when u put NonBinary in QUOTES!

I thought the quotes were simply an example of quoting from the profile… but now that you point that out along with your perspective, I see your point of view! It definitely reads as someone just wanting to fuck pussy, with zero regard to gender identity… but then again this is FET life so people are here to literally find fetish and fucks… so I just came here to say I think everyone’s POV is valid!

[GB****]

Some of you people should be ashamed of yourself. Someone comes on here seeking advice so they can be less offensive to others and you rake him over the coals! Seriously. This is supposed to be a safe place to LEARN and explore. He is trying to learn how to address is preferences while simultaneously being respectful of someone else’s, how is that a bad thing? Yet some of you just berate him. Idgaf what pronouns you use, some of you need to check yourself and get off your damn high horse!

Edited March 11 by GBirdie
Spelling correction.

[ro****]

You could put on your profile that the most important quality you're looking for in a partner is that they have a vagina, I think that gets your desire across

[En****]

My personal opinion is that folks prefer to be intentionally misleading rather than up front about everything in the profile, and that is pretty much at the root of the problem. I’m very sure people are ready to disagree with me, and that is fine. Just my personal opinion, that’s all.

[Th****]

1 hour ago, machete_mami said:

Literally nothing wrong with him only wanting to date cis women, or only wanting to date bodies with certain body parts. Does some internalized transphobia show a bit, sure. Does a *** of being perceived as offensive come thru, sure. I would give OP the benefit of the doubt clearly he’s going to great depths to try to not be harmful, so best thing is to politely point out the programming rather than shame him for having a preference and doing his best to communicate and ASK for help. Not everyone wants to work and play with all the human parts.

My response is "giving the benefit of the doubt" and that was "gentle". 

It's specifically why I said this...

2 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

I'm not saying that you're being intentionally malicious but it's absolutely possible to be problematic and cause harm without the intent to do so.

Also... "every POV is valid" is a dangerous mindset to have.