cautiousswitch Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 17 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: What if one day you are everything and the next day you are not? But you don’t know why? If that's the reason that they give then there's not a lot you can do about it; it's something that they have to work out. If the rejection was absolute then you are probably better off. If the rejection is on again off again (they reject you on the days when you aren't their everything, but turn it around later) then you've got to decide if that's the way you want to live your life. If you do decide that this isn't what you want then you've got to consider that their behaviour appears to be a mental health issue and you don't know how they may react to your ending things suddenly. Ease back a little and see how they react.
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 I'm usually a very strong person but I was crushed when my ex left me...I drop 2 stone in 7 weeks and went on a 6 month bender...every Thursday, friday, saturday and sunday I was wasted. Hit the gym harder than normal (5 times a week instead of 3). Iv never admitted it before but I was ruined. That was 2 years ago and only now do I feel okay. Time heals all wounds, eventually
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said: To hold more back, protect that soft core better. That is pretty sad indeed. And it punishes the next person, who may be the one.
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 31 minutes ago, Richf86 said: Iv never admitted it before but I was ruined. I’ve felt that in the past. It feels catastrophic at the time. Like life will never be the same. It’s scary how much power over us we can give someone. But yes, time helps. Did you learn any lessons btw? Just wondering if it made you change anything.
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 4 hours ago, Katenka said: Breakup music or pump up music helps me. “Gives you Hell” for example by All American Rejects, “Fuck You” by Ceelo Green. I think I’ve been listening to the wrong music - I need some angry music I think. Thanks for sharing your suggestions.
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 4 hours ago, SolomanStrange said:Its important to be grateful for what you had, be grateful for the *** and be grateful for being set free. I am not sure how to be grateful for the ***. I didn’t want it, didn’t invite it, didn’t deserve it.
SolomanStrange Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 36 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: I am not sure how to be grateful for the ***. I didn’t want it, didn’t invite it, didn’t deserve it. You will be, what don't kill you makes you stronger. It's a Cliche but it's true
ThinkingNaughty Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 It helps to keep the emotions in their place. To try to remind yourself that you are not your emotions and the world is not what it seems. Not to fight what you feel but to accept it and try to let it wash over you. To feel like you are drowning but to relax anyway knowing you will be ok. When we have a bad day it seems like the world is a terrible place. Everyone does just the right thing to annoy you most and they seem to do it on purpose. It's because emotions affect how we view the world, they change the appearance of reality. But when you are in a good mood the very same things don't affect you and annoying people go unnoticed or you laugh them off and feel bad for them in their miserable worlds. Just keep reminding yourself of what you were before this and who you still are. You are not your emotions. There is nothing wrong with what you feel and you shouldn't be able to just walk it off. It's ok to feel bad, for however long you do. The end of a relationship is, in the emotional realm, a death of that person in your life. Just remember who you are and don't let what you feel make you forget and you will get there.
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 22 minutes ago, ThinkingNaughty said: Just keep reminding yourself of what you were before this and who you still are. You are not your emotions. I agree. Emotions are not always to be trusted. But looking at it logically, someone walking away from you is a rejection of who / what you are. Remembering that comes with the reminder that you dropped your mask for someone and showed them yourself, and they thought that you weren’t enough of something. That invites a lot of other self- examination questions and is like opening Pandora’s box.
ThinkingNaughty Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 2 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: I agree. Emotions are not always to be trusted. But looking at it logically, someone walking away from you is a rejection of who / what you are. Remembering that comes with the reminder that you dropped your mask for someone and showed them yourself, and they thought that you weren’t enough of something. That invites a lot of other self- examination questions and is like opening Pandora’s box. It feels like a reject of who/what you are but in truth it is probably only a rejection of their belief that you could be what they wanted you to be. In other words, they are rejecting you because you're not someone else. Hence the argument made above that they are basically doing you a favor and saving you from disaster ahead.
Vandalslut Posted May 19, 2020 Posted May 19, 2020 4 hours ago, SwanNoir said: My light is so bright - why couldn’t he see that ... ( he was probably looking the other way, the bugger 🤷🏻♀️)...What if one day you are everything and the next day you are not? But you don’t know why? Yeah. He probably was looking the other way. His loss. As for one day you are everything and the next day you are not - there's people who do this in every sort of relationship; friend, lover, Dom/me-submissive. There's types out there whose kink - literally - is causing emotional *** because that's how they get their rocks off, pure and simple. They love the idea that you don't know why. They want you to run after them, beg them to tell you where you went wrong, etc. I had one in my life like this, many years ago. I didn't 'play by his rules'. The last thing he said to me was, "I'll call you next week." (Next millennium, more like.) When I didn't 'play', he started making hang up calls. His phone bill, he could run it up all he wanted. I'd seen him do this to other women, and I was no exception. This type are losers, they end up alone...but it does hurt. I did get my own back - not very spiritual behaviour for a Wiccan, but I am human, too. And I'm sure the Goddess understands. When a relationship breaks down, we instantly assume that we are the ones in the wrong, or have done something to upset the other party. This isn't necessarily so; this is usually something we've been taught to believe. And when it breaks down abruptly, we're doubly inclined to blame ourselves. Which is rubbish. It's not that you 'needed to be taught a hard lesson' or you've done something wrong and this is karmic punishment or whatever; but you are being made aware of this type of character; when you look back there will have been red flags; and next time you will recognise them before getting in too deep. And do get yourself some ***y good angry/revenge music - I found 'Wish' by the Nine Inch Nails (I'll put it on our profile so you can check out the aggro!) and 'The Witch's Promise' by Jethro Tull very useful. All kidding aside, I am watching my Coven-*** go through something similar - she suddenly got ghosted in an long-term online relationship, in which he'd made her feel very special and valued; he dropped her between one day and the next, suddenly 'too busy' - and then she caught some steamy back and forth between him and another woman. She blocked him on the social media they'd been using. He turned up again a few days later, allegedly 'dismayed' etc. and gave her the biggest load of shite. He thought that she didn't have 'feelings' for him, etc. She's swallowed it whole and is now busy explaining him to me and defending his actions. She has enough problems without this arse, but there's nothing I can do about it except be there for her when she comes out the other end, emotionally battered. <SIGH>
Deleted Member Posted May 19, 2020 Author Posted May 19, 2020 As long as I’ve had closure then I don’t tend to take long bouncing back. It’s about taking off the rose tinted glasses and realising you weren’t really all that compatible. There’s someone out there that’s a better fit for you that’ll treat you the way you deserve. 💗
Vandalslut Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 2 hours ago, little_dark_princess said: As long as I’ve had closure then I don’t tend to take long bouncing back. It’s about taking off the rose tinted glasses and realising you weren’t really all that compatible. There’s someone out there that’s a better fit for you that’ll treat you the way you deserve. 💗 Right on, little_dark_princess. It's about having that closure, coming to the conclusions you need to come to, admitting that maybe there wasn't compatibility - all that is better than a silent void.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 7 hours ago, SwanNoir said: That is pretty sad indeed. And it punishes the next person, who may be the one. Punishing? No not at all. If they are the one they will value the person you are, work that little bit harder to win your affection. I'm.not saying close off completely but I am saying hold something back until your absolutely sure they are for you.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 8 hours ago, Vandalslut said: When a relationship breaks down, we instantly assume that we are the ones in the wrong, or have done something to upset the other party. This isn't necessarily so; this is usually something we've been taught to believe. And when it breaks down abruptly, we're doubly inclined to blame ourselves. Which is rubbish. It's not that you 'needed to be taught a hard lesson' or you've done something wrong and this is karmic punishment or whatever; but you are being made aware of this type of character; when you look back there will have been red flags; and next time you will recognise them before getting in too deep. And do get yourself some ***y good angry/revenge music - I found 'Wish' by the Nine Inch Nails (I'll put it on our profile so you can check out the aggro!) and 'The Witch's Promise' by Jethro Tull very useful. I think that’s even more the case with submissive personalities, no? To think that you did or didn’t do something to turn them away. That clip on your profile is like a balm to my heart. Way more than ice cream, and that’s saying something. I am sorry about your friend. The guy sounds like a right prick. But your job is to pick her up after he breaks her, regardless of whether you told her to be careful or not. And she is very lucky to have you. 😘 Guys like that I find are easy to spot. It’s the ones that are lovely and kind that’s it hurts the most after. Because you don’t realise you have to protect yourself until it’s too late.
ey**** Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 As cliche'd as this is. Time is a good healer. I was under consideration by someone - and then last year she let me go. The period of consideration had been 8 months - and we'd known each other 18 months before that - and then, like that, never saw her again. And there's a range of emotions you go through - I had everything from "I'll never find anyone like her again" to feeling a little angry or let down, to feeling she was wrong to let me go - so on... A year later. It's sad in ways, but we move on. I've had good experiences. I've come across others who make my little heart flutter and there doesn't have to be any pressure there - just, you know. It's all part of healing.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 4 hours ago, Donnykinkster said: hold something back until your absolutely sure they are for you. I think that’s easier for people with dominant personalities. A submissive personality wants to please and gives more freely and abundantly. At least that’s how I am built.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 Just now, SwanNoir said: I think that’s easier for people with dominant personalities. A submissive personality wants to please and gives more freely and abundantly. At least that’s how I am built. That's a fair thing to say Swan and I do understand. To be fair I'm a soft shit myself even though I'm dom in many ways. Yes it has caused me much confusion so I get your point. The fact is we can't change what we are but we can learn how to protect that "softness"
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 6 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: As cliche'd as this is. Time is a good healer. I was under consideration by someone - and then last year she let me go. The period of consideration had been 8 months - and we'd known each other 18 months before that - and then, like that, never saw her again. And there's a range of emotions you go through - I had everything from "I'll never find anyone like her again" to feeling a little angry or let down, to feeling she was wrong to let me go - so on... A year later. It's sad in ways, but we move on. I've had good experiences. I've come across others who make my little heart flutter and there doesn't have to be any pressure there - just, you know. It's all part of healing. This says it all Swan, you are not alone and you have friends here, real ones who are interested in you as a person not just what you are sexually. The community aspect of this site is bang on
Vandalslut Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 44 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: I think that’s even more the case with submissive personalities, no? To think that you did or didn’t do something to turn them away. That clip on your profile is like a balm to my heart. Way more than ice cream, and that’s saying something. 😘I am sorry about your friend. The guy sounds like a right prick. But your job is to pick her up after he breaks her, regardless of whether you told her to be careful or not. And she is very lucky to have you. Guys like that I find are easy to spot. It’s the ones that are lovely and kind that’s it hurts the most after. Because you don’t realise you have to protect yourself until it’s too late. It's possible that submissive personalities are more likely to think they're at fault, but I've seen many different types leap to the same conclusion. Glad you enjoyed the gutsy music...I know it's worked for me in the past . My friend knows my suspicions, and I'm saying no more on the subject. I find them easy to spot too, and this one's easier than most. She is lonely, battling a mediation dispute with an ex (seven years gone now, and no sign of him letting up...) and she deserves an 'adult' life. This man is lying to her and she is actively defending him, so she does, at some level, know - but she doesn't WANT to know, if you get me. I'm just glad he's in another country and unlikely to be able to travel here any time soon. I'll be there for her - she's my Circle-***, and worth it. Thanks, SwanNoir.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: And there's a range of emotions you go through - I had everything from "I'll never find anyone like her again" to feeling a little angry or let down, to feeling she was wrong to let me go - so on... Can I ask how what you were going through affected your interactions with your wife? It must have been strange - her having to support your being broken hearted by another person ...How did you both manage that?
ey**** Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 34 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: Can I ask how what you were going through affected your interactions with your wife? It must have been strange - her having to support your being broken hearted by another person ...How did you both manage that? That was quite complex. I cried for 3 days straight about one relationship break up whilst being in another. It was, interesting. My wife was very supportive and had their own emotions - between kinda being sad for me a relationship I was emotionally invested in had ended - but also a little angry towards the other person. Very much on my side.
Deleted Member Posted May 20, 2020 Author Posted May 20, 2020 12 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: My wife was very supportive and had their own emotions - between kinda being sad for me a relationship I was emotionally invested in had ended - but also a little angry towards the other person. Very much on my side. Wow, your wife is something else, I hope you know that. I am a gentle person but I will be kicking your sad ass for at least a month for falling for someone else 😂. Kidding but not really. She is special!!
ey**** Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, SwanNoir said: Wow, your wife is something else, I hope you know that. I am a gentle person but I will be kicking your sad ass for at least a month for falling for someone else 😂. Kidding but not really. She is special!! that they are just for context - we're open-ish. So, they were fully aware of my relationship with my Mistress (and they'd met a couple of times) and subsequent collapse.
ThinkingNaughty Posted May 20, 2020 Posted May 20, 2020 These posts reminded me of something else that helps with bouncing back. Despite so much evidence to the contrary (read: humans are assholes), it is in our natures to be caregivers and to support others. Each in our own particular way (or idiom for Monty Python fans). So turning your mind and energies to taking care of someone else, either someone in a similar situation or even just caring for family members or a pet is an amazingly powerful *** for healing, growth, and moving on. Right when we feel compelled to withdraw and wallow in our collapsing worlds, finding someone else in need ***s us to live outside of that in a manner that is meaningful and lasting and more than simply a distraction.
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