The lifestyle - what even is that?

[Se****]

Ok, I’ve been around for a little while now and I’ve heard this term bandied about a lot but tonight it came a smacked me in the face and I’m struggling to understand.

D/s is a lifestyle. What does this actually mean?

Does a D/s relationship negate an actual romantic relationship?

Can one have a relationship and a D/s relationship combined?

Does using someone’s name (not title) affect the D/s connection? Or does/should my submission by evident and known to them and by us irrespective of whether we use a name or a title?

Are titles “Sir, Master, my submissive” cold when used in general conversation? Because my submission remains no matter what your name but I don’t want coldness.

I’m struggling with the idea of being in a D/s relationship over a conventional relationship with D/s spread throughout it and trying to make sense of conversations I’ve had tonight and I need help.

I am aware “D/s is what you make it” and “D/s looks different for everybody/couple” - it doesn’t alter the fact that I’m finding it difficult to comprehend how a D/s relationship isn’t less of something than a conventional relationship with submission and Dominance woven throughout it? I don’t understand why someone would only want to be called by their title and not their name unless there is a separation of themselves and how if that is the case it isn’t simply a role they’re playing?

If entering into a relationship with someone who only wishes to be called Sir no other names, even their forename is this not a separation of themselves from their “role” as a dominant?

I’ve been told D/s is a lifestyle but that doesn’t sit right with me. A lifestyle is something I choose (essentially) like the car I drive or the way I choose to spend my ***. It’s been suggested that if I’m not living the “lifestyle” then I’m not a submissive. The thing is I’m not a submissive I’m me but my submission is as much a part of me as my sexuality or ethnicity and it isn’t something I can change.

I don’t want to lose my identity as me because of my submission, it ought to enhance it and I don’t want to lose the essence of the person I’ve been speaking to because he’s no longer, for example, Bob but is solely Sir.

Can anyone help try to explain what I’m missing and not understanding please? Specifically people who are in/have been in long term D/s relationships which are also romantic relationships.

Thanks.

Love,

X

 

[DeviantInside]

Ok… so you have covered a lot of ground here. And yes it’s absolutely different for everyone.

However I think the main point you are asking is if it can be D/s and also romantic? If so then 💯 yes. My partner and I are 24/7 and also best friends. The dynamic is always there (not a role just who we are) but not necessarily played upon (but could be at any time). We play PS, watch films, enjoy cuddles, and make each other laugh (probably too much). However, we also know that at any moment we know what is expected… and it can be anywhere, any time (with a caveat we don’t impinge our kinks on anyone not consenting).

[Deleted Member]

I use "D/s relationship" as a broad term for any relationship with a D/s dynamic involved. I tend to specify that I am interested in a "romantic D/s relationship" in order to set my own desires apart from the generic.

Those who insist on titles only, I tend to view as playing into a stricter form of protocol than I am interested in, but I wouldn't automatically assume they are separating the role from their person. By way of example, a man insisting that his child call him 'Dad' instead of by his given name does not mean the man is separating his role as father from himself as a person - he's just requiring the child to interact with him through the lens of himself in the role of 'Dad'

"The lifestyle" and D/s in general really is whatever you personally want it to be and make of it. I don't consider myself "a Dominant" or "a Daddy" - I'm just me and what role I play is at least partly defined by the person I partner with and what we agree on - but I do use those labels for myself on social networks like this one as a shorthand for others I interact with to more easily understand which role(s) I'm interested in filling.

Hope that was at least moderately helpful.

[YoursMaybe]

30 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

Ok… so you have covered a lot of ground here. And yes it’s absolutely different for everyone.

However I think the main point you are asking is if it can be D/s and also romantic? If so then 💯 yes. My partner and I are 24/7 and also best friends. The dynamic is always there (not a role just who we are) but not necessarily played upon (but could be at any time). We play PS, watch films, enjoy cuddles, and make each other laugh (probably too much). However, we also know that at any moment we know what is expected… and it can be anywhere, any time (with a caveat we don’t impinge our kinks on anyone not consenting).

ohh i like that. I like it as an added layer on top of a romantic relationship. We could be ourselves cuddling or whatever (as "equals") and all of a sudden finding ourselves in a "scene."

[No****]

For me and my dynamic the D/s relationship started before the romantic one. It took more time to build but it came naturally. We were both clear from the start what we wanted to build together. I was totally new to kink when I met my Dom. It wasn’t even something I was looking for or really knew anything about. I love what we have together now. I couldn’t have one without the other. My Dom is the love of my life.

[No****]

We tend to keep the divide quite separate but there are always some crossovers. We mainly use WhatsApp for our D/s relationship and text for boyfriend/girlfriend stuff

[Yo****]

57 minutes ago, WoodsWanderer said:

I use "D/s relationship" as a broad term for any relationship with a D/s dynamic involved. I tend to specify that I am interested in a "romantic D/s relationship" in order to set my own desires apart from the generic.

Those who insist on titles only, I tend to view as playing into a stricter form of protocol than I am interested in, but I wouldn't automatically assume they are separating the role from their person. By way of example, a man insisting that his child call him 'Dad' instead of by his given name does not mean the man is separating his role as father from himself as a person - he's just requiring the child to interact with him through the lens of himself in the role of 'Dad'

"The lifestyle" and D/s in general really is whatever you personally want it to be and make of it. I don't consider myself "a Dominant" or "a Daddy" - I'm just me and what role I play is at least partly defined by the person I partner with and what we agree on - but I do use those labels for myself on social networks like this one as a shorthand for others I interact with to more easily understand which role(s) I'm interested in filling.

Hope that was at least moderately helpful.

(Please don’t judge me based on the typo in my SN…. Made the account on my phone and autocorrect… it’s a shame on my house…)

Never have I read a comment I read that was EXACTLY the way that I feel on my relationship and our dynamic. Where “The Lifestyle” titles are used to make it easier for be it new “Kinksters” that are trying to learn and understand the different dynamics/Roles/Kinks that are enjoyed under the wide umbrella that is “Kinks” or just used to make setting up a “get together” planned and has all involved 1. Able to know that their preferred activity/Role is made known so each involved would be able to (in a perfectly Synced group) get their desired form of pleasure during the scenario/Playtime what have you.

My lady the Sub to my “Pleasure Dom/Daddy” role of six years live it 24/7. The second we met we became best friends. I told her one day “You know how I know you’re my main sub? It’s because when we’re just having a ‘blah’ day and not feeling ‘it’ and we don’t even say a word to each other all day. I still would rather have you around/near me because it doesn’t feel right if you’re not.” So with out a doubt you can have love in any relationship dynamic. It all falls on the people that have entered into the arrangement and how they feel.

Day 1 I told her I wasn’t looking for a GF or anything like that. I was looking for a sub that wanted to be taught and trained to make “tending to me” (for the loss of a better phrase) exactly how I like all while knowing that will only happen if I know that they are getting what they desired from our arrangement. (Because at the end of the day we all do these things because we are looking to have fun/enjoy it/escape/and really just bust one however that individual goes about doing so) Six years later she’s the mother of my three kids. We are still active 24/7 and she discovered she gets off like never before when we enjoy the “cuckqueen” dynamic. All the while we are still open, swap swingers, (when it comes to that all it takes is honesty and openness to stay happy)

[Deleted Member]

In my opinion, it's like everything that involves people and what's considered to be a "lifestyle". On the one side you have those that enjoy it for what they feel is a roleplay situation, on the other you have the "purists" and "zealots" even, that don't waver from what they feel is the true form of D/s, and then you have every color of the spectrum that's in between.

Do what makes you happy. If something doesn't syncronize with you and there's no middle ground for either party, then you are free to believe what you like. Same as them.

Nowadays there are a few more than usual in this lifestyle, that feel they have something to prove. I think that's okay too. It's just more of people being people.

There's room for all of us.

[Se****]

3 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

Ok… so you have covered a lot of ground here. And yes it’s absolutely different for everyone.

However I think the main point you are asking is if it can be D/s and also romantic? If so then 💯 yes. My partner and I are 24/7 and also best friends. The dynamic is always there (not a role just who we are) but not necessarily played upon (but could be at any time). We play PS, watch films, enjoy cuddles, and make each other laugh (probably too much). However, we also know that at any moment we know what is expected… and it can be anywhere, any time (with a caveat we don’t impinge our kinks on anyone not consenting).

Does your partner always call you by your honorific/title? Or do they also use your actual name?

 If the latter and they use your name too does that make the D/s any less “real” (For want of a better word)?

[Wi****]

I've always found the title is like another name, both Daddy and Will get used. Depending on time and what we are doing. Regular time isn't always Will and iant always Daddy. A sub does have some control with titles IMHO. If we were out and they said Daddy, then we would potentially leave normal and go to D dynamic. But if out and just used Will etc we'd stay normal. I've never felt being called Daddy 24/7 would work for me. But each dynamic is very different

[somethinsgone]

I don’t know this “lifestyle for me starts and finishes at the bedroom door, or wherever it’s wished for by both parties. And i m super dominante. If someone demands or wishes the extension of the names everywhere then that seems like a them issue. And it’s never interfered with the romance side of a relationship. Some people aren’t capable of pursuing romance but heavily rely on lust to keep them happy

[Pa****]

Personally dislike the term and think its antiquated. A lot of fakes leverage it to try and convince someone - 'i have 20+ years in the lifestyle' etc

[Se****]

51 minutes ago, PaulKrendler said:

Personally dislike the term and think its antiquated. A lot of fakes leverage it to try and convince someone - 'i have 20+ years in the lifestyle' etc

Did you read the post and the questions I raised?

[DeviantInside]

My partner always calls me Daddy (which was the honourific we discussed and felt most natural for us) except in public where she calls me D (which is also my initial anyway so raises no eyebrows around family etc, which a happy serendipity). But honestly, even if they used my name it wouldn’t change anything, the D/s part is just an inherent part of who we are and our relationship, not something we consciously think about just a part of the way things are.

[DeviantInside]

6 hours ago, YoursMaybe said:

ohh i like that. I like it as an added layer on top of a romantic relationship. We could be ourselves cuddling or whatever (as "equals") and all of a sudden finding ourselves in a "scene."

Yes exactly that. Even in public… while I do not believe it’s right or fair to inflict kink on non consenting people there are things we can do that only we know about (for example through hypnosis she cums on command by a hand signal, and is very good at internalising it, so no one else would know but we do).

[Se****]

22 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

My partner always calls me Daddy (which was the honourific we discussed and felt most natural for us) except in public where she calls me D (which is also my initial anyway so raises no eyebrows around family etc, which a happy serendipity). But honestly, even if they used my name it wouldn’t change anything, the D/s part is just an inherent part of who we are and our relationship, not something we consciously think about just a part of the way things are.

Thank you, this is kind of how I view it. The name shouldn’t necessarily mean anything because the submission (the D/s) for me is inherent - a dominant partner where the dominance and submission flow throughout the relationship and are part of who “we” are as opposed to simply a dominant. 

[Al****]

My Submission comes from a need to give up my control I have everyday . To give away the Burdens of life and surrender to the welcomed *** and pleasure I'm giving in the dynamic . I'm willingly submitting my body . SIR , Master is what I have and my outside relationship benefits my desire to be reset . My clarity and trusted submission knowing I'm Safe yet completely at the mercy of another .

[Al****]

Does Wonders for the Body and mind BETTER THAN ANY DRUG able to be allowed this feeling of surrender . I rarely use full names unless in a public setting requiring more formalities .

[Al****]

I have my names and I have my own Identity outside of this dynamic and both are respected and appreciated all around .

[Se****]

To me, "in the lifestyle" means you embrace kink as a part of your identity. Being a dominant is part of who I am. This doesn't necessarily mean you are required to do anything to maintain that "status" (like being 24/7 it super active in the community), it just means it's an undeniable part of you that you can't or don't want to live without

[AKA_Copper]

Lifestyle just means a way of life so individuals can apply their own meaning to it.
D/s can be a lifestyle but the degree to which an individual engages with it as part of their wider life is always going to be a variable dependent upon wants/needs of each individual.

So, I don't think you're missing anything, maybe perhaps speaking with someone who has a different opinion to you as to what D/s means to them.
I agree that the honorifics listed above are cold and is why I won't use them preferring to choose my/our own. I'm unclear how someone would be able to use them in general/public life without others raising eyebrows/asking questions?
I also agree that submission is just one element of my identity and I won't be minimised to just that aspect.

[gi****]

There is a spectrum of course.

[MasterCT]

It can mean what you want it to mean.

No two BDSM relationships and dynamics are identical, in the same way that no two vanilla relationships and dynamics are different.

[Mi****]

This is is little adjacent to your questions, but perhaps relevant.
I was recently informed that I needed to meet people in my local BDSM community. A munch was suggested, and at first, I thought, yeah, sure that makes sense. Having spent more time considering it, I just don't know that I want or need that. It was like only having your gay friends in one group back in the 90s, I hated it and did everything in my power to erase those lines. I want a relationship that is all that and a bag of chips, but we don't have to enjoy the chips all day and everywhere, at least I don't.