My First Dom, My Biggest Lesson

[Da****]

Oh wow. This is a very hard read especially being a true Dom. Believe it or not though this is happening more and more often and it is making me sick to my stomach. There are way to many "wannabe doms" out here who lack the maturity experience and respect that comes with the title of "Dom". They are creating an environment of ***. Being a "Dom" is not a green light for ***. Bring a "Dom" is more than just a title. It is saying that you're going to be committed to your submissives needs and desires. It is not self appointed. These "wannabes", get mad when I start calling them to the carpet. To tell you the truth I don't blame them, I blame myself. Our main job as a Dom is to protect any submissive either our own submissive or a submissive in general. It is an unwritten rule in the community, Doms are to stand up for any submissive.
I do hope you can recover from this "wannabe'. I know there are submissive groups out there on like ***am discord and other social outlets. Get active in those groups that way you can go to them with your concerns and don't be afraid to question your Dom. Most Doms will answer any questions. Anyways that is what is supposed to happen. If they don't want to hear any questions then I would start thinking about an exit strategy. Get involved in your local community and start looking for a mentor who has been submissive for a really long time. Learn from them. I do hope this has helped. I know it is ***ful now but it is only for a brief moment. Keep in mind your Dom is out there but in the mean time you may want to have a vetting process for prospective Doms. I wish you well and if you ever have any questions on anything please reach out to someone you trust in the community.

[Deleted Member]

Hey there, Although I’m not a little, I definitely relate as a submissive. More and more people have been coming into the BDSM community with no care or experience and traumatizing submissives both mentally and physically. I know quite a few people who won’t participate in BDSM anymore due to these experiences. I’ve definitely had my own experiences as well. I’ve found the only thing that’s yielded any fruitful results is to vet them, and be extremely picky: if they get too impatient or angry idc how cool they seem immediately leave it’s a sign of what’s further to come. Submission is a gift to be earned and entrusted in someone. Many here just want to f**k you how and when they want to and do not known or care about how their actions will affect you; and honestly many don’t care if you even consent to it half the time once they have you in person. Please be careful, and take your time to vet people. As someone who is pretty independent I cannot imagine how much harder this must hit with you being a little… my heart goes out to you 💕 and I hope you get the care you deserve!

[Da****]

2 hours ago, sub_00 said:

Hey there, Although I’m not a little, I definitely relate as a submissive. More and more people have been coming into the BDSM community with no care or experience and traumatizing submissives both mentally and physically. I know quite a few people who won’t participate in BDSM anymore due to these experiences. I’ve definitely had my own experiences as well. I’ve found the only thing that’s yielded any fruitful results is to vet them, and be extremely picky: if they get too impatient or angry idc how cool they seem immediately leave it’s a sign of what’s further to come. Submission is a gift to be earned and entrusted in someone. Many here just want to f**k you how and when they want to and do not known or care about how their actions will affect you; and honestly many don’t care if you even consent to it half the time once they have you in person. Please be careful, and take your time to vet people. As someone who is pretty independent I cannot imagine how much harder this must hit with you being a little… my heart goes out to you 💕 and I hope you get the care you deserve!

Very well said.

[Er****]

My heart goes out to you too. All i can say based on the part you shared is that trust is a gift that needs to be earned, and the responsibility for ensuring that boundary is respected will always lie with the less assertive person (in any social context, not just bdsm).

Trust takes time. And untrustworthy people usually dont have enough patience to wait for that trust to build (sociopaths do, so its important to have several safeguards rather than just one). Trust requires evidence (behavior is that evidence, and when combined with time, this evidence verifies consistency and predictability - eg, trust)

In my experience, i gave out trust implicitly, and got hurt every time. I still struggle with it, because i want to trust people, to believe that most people are fundamentally good, and want to connect on an emotional level. There is some truth to that, but most people dont live in trustworthy space all the time. Its a spectrum. Like moods, trustworthiness can shift. It can be reliable for one part of a persons character, but not for another. So i no longer say "X person can be trusted", i say "x person can be trusted with x limited aspect of relationships, and i can say that because they proved it".

Having a support system is important, too. Fet is a nice start, but you need people who know you and your specific needs in the context of your life experiences.

I wish you luck, and hope, and wonderful experiences in the future.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, sub_00 said:

Hey there, Although I’m not a little, I definitely relate as a submissive. More and more people have been coming into the BDSM community with no care or experience and traumatizing submissives both mentally and physically. I know quite a few people who won’t participate in BDSM anymore due to these experiences. I’ve definitely had my own experiences as well. I’ve found the only thing that’s yielded any fruitful results is to vet them, and be extremely picky: if they get too impatient or angry idc how cool they seem immediately leave it’s a sign of what’s further to come. Submission is a gift to be earned and entrusted in someone. Many here just want to f**k you how and when they want to and do not known or care about how their actions will affect you; and honestly many don’t care if you even consent to it half the time once they have you in person. Please be careful, and take your time to vet people. As someone who is pretty independent I cannot imagine how much harder this must hit with you being a little… my heart goes out to you 💕 and I hope you get the care you deserve!

This is my experience exactly and I appreciate your kind words x

[Da****]

10 hours ago, grand-island664642 said:

Never been “hurt”. Just know “doms” are usually narcissistic people.

This comment goes to show how misinformed people are about the lifestyle. I have been a Dom for a very long time and you clearly do not have the comprehension of the true dynamic. If a dom has narcissistic tendencies and behavior then they truly are not a Dom. If they exhibit any of those traits you need to run and run very fast. Those doms are a danger to the community.

[Deleted Member]

Yes cause most of you on here dating out your league thinking these dudes really wanna care about you when you just the next fun thing for right now. You get what you pick. 🤣

[ev****]

That wasn't a nice read, but you have shown bravery in writing this. You may feel alone for a while, but just love yourself and enjoy it.
My first dom relationship wasn't the best either. Just stay positive, and your next might take a while to come along, but just look after yourself, and it will be the best

[Se****]

I don’t identify as a little but do identify as submissive with BIG needs that need to be met. I think it’s very easy to (almost) trick oneself into believing that needs are being met when in fact they aren’t and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not good at walking away from things that aren’t fulfilling me, likely because of a *** that something is better than nothing.

But I am learning, albeit the hard way, that I am worth having my needs met and that the responsibility for meeting needs in a relationship doesn’t and more importantly SHOULDN’T fall solely to me.

Mourning the loss of the promise of something, of the hope and of the dream is oftentimes harder than losing what wasn’t actually serving us well in the first place. It is a position I have found myself in more than once. I’ve found that having friends I can talk to about it has really helped me - as silly as that may sound.

There are some true Doms out there, you’ll know them when you find them (I’ve found they’re usually pretty great people too) - they hold themselves to a certain standard (not a one size fits all), and they have huge amounts of personal integrity. They do what they say they’re going to do, when they say they’re going to do it and they DON’T leave you feeling uncertain and unsure and doubting yourself. They will also, and this is important, expect and WANT you to have a voice. This thing we do is a two way street and they understand that. Sure they (and we) might make mistakes but they (and we) learn from them and talk about them.

Knowing my needs are being met, cared for, understood and honoured is more than a realisation or word it’s action, inaction and a feeling of contentment and safety within myself when I’m with that person by that physically with them or in an online way.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Jb1337 said:

Yes cause most of you on here dating out your league thinking these dudes really wanna care about you when you just the next fun thing for right now. You get what you pick. 🤣

Thanks for your input, but I don’t subscribe to the idea of people being ‘out of each other’s league.’ Relationships aren’t a competition, and I’d rather keep discussions here respectful

[ca****]

I’m so sorry that you had that experience, it’s so heartbreaking to see how much those who don’t take their role seriously. It is an incredibly important role within any dynamic, people cannot jump in with selfish motivations.

Every dynamic is for the mutual enjoyment of everyone involved, everything must be communicated thoroughly and fundamentally respectfully.

I hope that this is something that you can find peace with sooner rather than later, I know you will feel bruised and afraid to trust another with the privilege of being your Dom but I know you will find the person who will give you everything you need.

Only when you are ready, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time to process this tough experience.

[ri****]

8 hours ago, Jb1337 said:

Yes cause most of you on here dating out your league thinking these dudes really wanna care about you when you just the next fun thing for right now. You get what you pick. 🤣

There is no such thing as “out of their league” and it is belittling at best to say that to someone who came here asking about a genuine feeling. Men that have similar attitudes to the one of which you are speaking are a huge part of the reason this lifestyle is seen as abusive. I would encourage you to rethink what it is that you are looking for on here, the way that you present yourself and very likely get some professional help through counseling. Men like you hurt women like this lady and many more of us.

[ri****]

5 hours ago, SoMakeMe said:

Thanks for your input, but I don’t subscribe to the idea of people being ‘out of each other’s league.’ Relationships aren’t a competition, and I’d rather keep discussions here respectful

I got your back girl!

[Ka****]

Thats terrible for you. Sorry you had to deal with that. Wanna-Doms make the community look bad.

[ju****]

I had a similar issue with my first "sub". She seemed so sweet and gentle when we first met, and I thought I had found the girl of my dreams. Then when we moved in together, she just became very controlling and angry all the time. Eventually I stopped performing my role because she wasn't performing hers. And that's the way the relationship ended. The whole experience just left me feeling empty. I'm just now getting to the place where I want to try again.

[Fr****]

See das why i love being soft dom bc like yeah u dont drink enough water, u get punished. And after illa go get u a nice big glass of ice water with a bendy straw and turn on cartoons for u to watch. U dont teach by only punishing anyways. And whats the point of having punishments or rules or restrictions, if u cant also be happy and enjoy when they follow them. Its a give and take. From both sides.

[Su****]

My first Sir started out strong.. But I don't know when things changed for him. He started being distant. The communication was so consistent in the beginning. After a couple of years, it felt like he was bored with the whole thing. Started breaking the rules with both agreed too. We were in an open D/s relationship. I thought it was so great because there were no secrets. The betrayal was so much worse than a cheating husband. I had 2 of those. And sometimes I have those moments of missing what we had. But he just wasn't the right Sir for me. The *** sucks. But it gets better.. we were together for 6 years.

[NZDom]

I'm sorry to hear about you leaving you Dom but it sounds like you are on the right path and as dumb as it sounds it's all about communication can I ask what he did to keep you enjoying it as long as you did let us not focus on what was rough because that just gets worse but what was right we can build with that 😎

[Ja****]

💔 ❤️‍🩹

[th****]

I’m so sorry this happened
Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from the situation and take the right path

[Th****]

💯💯💯

[Se****]

Pay attention to their attentiveness at asking for feedback. If they aren't interested in what they can do better or how you felt about the interaction, that shows selfishness; a telltale attribute of a fake Dom. If you are the one who continues to bring things to their attention, chances are your happiness isn't on their priority list.

Seek the ones that reassure you, validate your feelings, apologize for mistakes, and INCORPORATES YOUR FEEDBACK AND SUGGESTIONS into future sessions without being prompted.

[Do****]

I'm sorry that happened to you, you'll find that one just takes a lot of time

[cl****]

Don't feel bad I dated this submissive paralegal and she couldn't even stand her ground

[mi****]

I’ve experienced the same through a sub. We all go through it sooner or later. Hopefully you find the right dominant.