Maintaining D/s when one partner wants full poly autonomy

[tu****]

“Looking for advice: My partner of many years is shifting toward full autonomy and polyamory. We used to have a stable D/s dynamic (I was her Daddy, she was my babygirl/sub), and that structure gave me emotional security. Now she wants no boundaries, no scheduling, and wants to Dom others while staying my sub. I’m struggling with the emotional impact and trying to figure out if I can handle this new dynamic or if it’s no longer compatible with my needs. I’d appreciate any insight from people who’ve navigated D/s + poly together.”

[Cravings2024]

Youre either comfortable wuth it or not, your relationship has changed either way. Perhaps give it a try for a period of time and make a decision on wether to stay in a relationship?

[Totaltease23]

Get another sub more you have the less u will care

[Cr****]

Having been in a similar situation, if the other person isn't concerned/receptive to your needs and emotions about this and won't consider making it a discussion rather than a unilateral decision, it's not going to be a healthy dynamic. It can work, but in my experience, not if the other person isn't invested in making sure you're ok as you navigate this and see if it's gonna work for you as well

[It****]

If you require that monogamy, especially as the dom, don't just roll over. Be the dom. Tell her what your expectations are, what your requirements are. If she doesnt like that, then you change the dynamic. Either end your relationship, or match her energy and start seeing other subs. She will either refuse and walk away, or she will conform to your rules. But the last thing you want is to be lost and not know where you stand, especially as the dom. It will undermine your authority and your confidence.

[CJ_SilverQueen]

Have a discussion, is she just wanting to understand the Dom role in the dynamic or are her needs changing? What you have described doesn’t sound respectful and as a Dom I am not sure how you are tolerating that. She should be able to express her wants and needs in a kind and positive way while considering yours. Don’t allow your authority to be undermined. If your needs and hers no longer align, you have a choice to make. At any rate if she has someone else, you should as well. Maybe you will find someone better suited.

[ey****]

this might suck - but - it may well be this isn't going to work with your needs and this may signal the end of the relationship 

[my****]

When she wants to redefine your entire relationship, that is the end of that relationship.

You are going to do what you’re going to do but she’s already gone.

[Ga****]

This is certainly possible, but only if it's what you BOTH want/need. If this is what she needs and it no longer aligns with your needs then that is the conversation you have. The D/s aspect is secondary here to your needs as a person. Please don't listen to the "it undermines your authority" bits. That's toxic and controlling and not what healthy relationships are built on. When needs no longer align, either the relationship has to shift or it ends. That's it. If you need monogamy and she needs polyamory then that is not in alignment. If you're ok being monogamous while she is poly then, as long as she is still considering your needs in all of that, then that's ok too. Or, if you want to explore polyamory as well then have that discussion. With any of those scenarios, just like anything else, you discuss boundaries and limits and how you each get your needs met.

[Deleted Member]

Were you polyamorous or ENM before? Because if you were and she’s simply asking for more autonomy in her other relationships, it could be a simple matter of renegotiating the scope of your D/s agreement with her. If this is a “we were monogamous and she wants to be polyamorous without limitations” that’s a much bigger emotional hill for you to climb as the process of opening an existing relationship is very emotionally difficult and many relationships don’t survive the transition.

I’m a polyamorous Dominant and have several submissive partners. My ethics have steered me to allowing them to have autonomy in their other relationships, though a discussion is required before they enter into a new 24/7 dynamic as a submissive as that would require changes to our agreements (and it’s something that has only happened once).

I’m happy to discuss with you in more depth if you think it would help you.

[Co****]

If she has “no boundaries” and “no scheduling” then in what sense is she “staying your sub?” If you are going to consider this idea, you need to carefully discuss what is actually left of your D/s dynamic and then decide whether this is enough to satisfy you.

[Do****]

Going from mono to poly is a LOT to adjust to regardless of the relationship you have. It's not a change that is done overnight just because you declare yourself to be poly today doesn't mean you embrace everything about it. It's a lot of emotional labor, not just sleeping around with everyone you can. There's a lot to learn and unlearn, I've got no real recommendations aside from doing your research and evaluate your needs as a romantic partner not just a Dom.

[be****]

So a previous relationship I was in DD/lg…she flip flopped back and forth between wanting to be monogamous and wanting to be poly. It got to a point of if we weren’t going to be monogamous then that was that. She could go do whatever she well pleased and I was going to walk because I was not going to tolerate that. Well…you can guess how that one ended. She bounced from dick to dick and I found someone that I spent seven wonderful years with.

[It****]

9 hours ago, Gallyn said:

This is certainly possible, but only if it's what you BOTH want/need. If this is what she needs and it no longer aligns with your needs then that is the conversation you have. The D/s aspect is secondary here to your needs as a person. Please don't listen to the "it undermines your authority" bits. That's toxic and controlling and not what healthy relationships are built on. When needs no longer align, either the relationship has to shift or it ends. That's it. If you need monogamy and she needs polyamory then that is not in alignment. If you're ok being monogamous while she is poly then, as long as she is still considering your needs in all of that, then that's ok too. Or, if you want to explore polyamory as well then have that discussion. With any of those scenarios, just like anything else, you discuss boundaries and limits and how you each get your needs met.

You said almost exactly what I said... after calling what I said toxic... the only difference is I addressed the question he asked, which was how to look at it from a D/s POV, and you disregarded that part of the question... THAT is toxic. A Dom's position is one of authority in a relationship. Sorry if that's too "toxic" for some of you, but letting your partner run back and forth, trampling all over your feelings, does undermine that authority and will run a Dom's confidence in the ground. So, maybe don't ignore part of the question and insult people who address that part that you clearly don't understand. Especially when that role is defined by an attitude of someone that will call you on your ignorance. It's almost like you don't understand that dominant and controlling are synonyms... So, forgive me if I don't buy into your idea of what a "healthy relationship," is in the D/s sense of the word.

To OP:

A healthy D/s relationship is built on respect. You both set expectations of the other, boundaries that you need them to respect or needs that you expect them to fulfill, and if they stop meeting those expectations (or start blatantly ignoring them), then it's your responsibility as the Dom to reset the status quo, since you're the authority figure. If you allow them to undermine you, they will, with no care of how it makes you feel. So, you either en*** the original agreement, adjust to a new agreement (that YOU BOTH feel considered and respected in, do not let them dictate the terms or bully you into letting them have their cake and eat it too, THAT is toxic) or terminate the arrangement. But if their behavior makes you feel like less than you know you are, I suggest leaving altogether, because confidence is hard to get back once someone takes it from you. It took me a long time to regain mine when I was in a similar situation, and I'll be damned before I let someone else take it from me again. Alternatively, you could discuss bringing in another sub for you both to dom as a soft third if she wants to dom someone but you don't switch (I respect that, I'm the same way). That way you could preserve the monogamy between you while reaching out and allowing her to explore with you instead of independent of you. But if you can't come to an arrangement that makes you both happy, my suggestion is to walk away. It gives you both the freedom to miss what you had and the chance to see if you would be happier elsewhere. The most important part is to stay confident. You found her, you can find another her. No person is worth giving up your line in the sand, and no person is unreplaceable. 

"Just as the universe happened once, it could happen again." - Alan Watts

[ey****]

TBH - if someone is saying they want no scheduling or boundaries - then the current D/s framework is not working for them and getting all Cartman "Respect MAH AUTHORITY" is not going to end well.

Whatever happens next the relationship will change (or end) cos it doesn't work for her.  

I guess really before you can know if it is going to work for you - is in knowing what the new framework is likely to look like.   From what has been said it doesn't look like one that would work for most people because of the fundamental changes and it might also be a case of working out would work for you.

If she wants no scheduling or boundaries then how does that fit with your emotional security?  Have you communicated your needs to her?   Because this can be important to any prospective new structure especially if you remain her Dominant and how that maintains your position whilst also getting your needs met from the relationship.

I guess a lot also depends on your existing structure - like - do you live together? How many times per week do you see each other? How do you interact when not together?  Does any of that actually need to change?

[mb****]

I am in a d/s poly relationship and actually going through needing to get needs met elsewhere where I never actively sought it before
The biggest thing is there needs to be a two discussion
I went in knowing and having a great d/ s dynamic Which I don’t get anymore

[john-6542]

Wednesday at 08:41 AM, ItWasNeverJustAPhase said:

If you require that monogamy, especially as the dom, don't just roll over. Be the dom. Tell her what your expectations are, what your requirements are. If she doesnt like that, then you change the dynamic. Either end your relationship, or match her energy and start seeing other subs. She will either refuse and walk away, or she will conform to your rules. But the last thing you want is to be lost and not know where you stand, especially as the dom. It will undermine your authority and your confidence.

I would also suggest taking a deep look into yourself. have you gotten to comfortable and become less of the dom you were and more of a boyfriend that doesn't provide the same structure you used to?

[Ga****]

November 20, ItWasNeverJustAPhase said:

You said almost exactly what I said... after calling what I said toxic... the only difference is I addressed the question he asked, which was how to look at it from a D/s POV, and you disregarded that part of the question... THAT is toxic. A Dom's position is one of authority in a relationship. Sorry if that's too "toxic" for some of you, but letting your partner run back and forth, trampling all over your feelings, does undermine that authority and will run a Dom's confidence in the ground. So, maybe don't ignore part of the question and insult people who address that part that you clearly don't understand. Especially when that role is defined by an attitude of someone that will call you on your ignorance. It's almost like you don't understand that dominant and controlling are synonyms... So, forgive me if I don't buy into your idea of what a "healthy relationship," is in the D/s sense of the word.

To OP:

A healthy D/s relationship is built on respect. You both set expectations of the other, boundaries that you need them to respect or needs that you expect them to fulfill, and if they stop meeting those expectations (or start blatantly ignoring them), then it's your responsibility as the Dom to reset the status quo, since you're the authority figure. If you allow them to undermine you, they will, with no care of how it makes you feel. So, you either en*** the original agreement, adjust to a new agreement (that YOU BOTH feel considered and respected in, do not let them dictate the terms or bully you into letting them have their cake and eat it too, THAT is toxic) or terminate the arrangement. But if their behavior makes you feel like less than you know you are, I suggest leaving altogether, because confidence is hard to get back once someone takes it from you. It took me a long time to regain mine when I was in a similar situation, and I'll be damned before I let someone else take it from me again. Alternatively, you could discuss bringing in another sub for you both to dom as a soft third if she wants to dom someone but you don't switch (I respect that, I'm the same way). That way you could preserve the monogamy between you while reaching out and allowing her to explore with you instead of independent of you. But if you can't come to an arrangement that makes you both happy, my suggestion is to walk away. It gives you both the freedom to miss what you had and the chance to see if you would be happier elsewhere. The most important part is to stay confident. You found her, you can find another her. No person is worth giving up your line in the sand, and no person is unreplaceable. 

"Just as the universe happened once, it could happen again." - Alan Watts

If that's the way you structure your D/s relationships then that's between you and your partner(s). Demanding authority simply because you're the D IS toxic. The entire relationship is built on mutual trust, boundaries, and consent. When the dynamic changes those things have to be renegotiated. We can agree to disagree that D and control are synonymous.

Also, awesome job calling me names 😂. Showing more of that healthiness you're speaking about.

[Bu****]

I've been D/s in poly for over ten years. A couple of the things I've learned:

If you make rules for your sub that apply to your sub while you are not psychically around that can limit what they can do with their other partners. This can make those people feel controlled by you indirectly when they didn't agree to it. So if my sub has multiple partners, I typically say any commands do not apply while they are with another partner.

You can create boundaries for your relationship with your sub. Not your sub's relationships with other people. That's not a boundary, that is a rule. Healthy boundaries look like: "I'm not comfortable with you dating other people so I will not be able to be in a relationship with you, if that's what you want." Or "if you don't use condoms and get regularly sti tested, I no longer feel safe having sex with you." These are about what is comfortable for you to do with your body and still give them the freedom to do what they want and know how it will affect the relationship with you. Bad boundaries look like: "you can't have anal sex with your other partners," or "you have to kiss your partners feet before you get into bed with them" because these are controlling what your partner does. They are rules about limiting your partner instead of being about what your needs are.

Unlike a regular poly relationship, in a D/s poly relationship you can do rules well. Your sub has to want rules and agree to them. The sub then needs to be careful about how to present them to her other partners. If she says, "I can't eat that with you because my Dom said I can't." It feels like you are interfering with the other relationship. But if she says "I do not want to eat that right now." It's about her choosing what she wants to do even if it is following your rule.

I feel like I've rambled enough about this for now. Lol