Lurking..

[Lillyth]

On this same vein, I agree with the comments. I hope that if I have in any way made anyone feel alienated or contributed to the toxic atmosphere that you will tell me. I really don't believe I have but would hate to think this was the case either unintentionallyor due to a lack of self awareness. 

I remember what is was like when I first joined and don't like anyone to feel left out or unwelcome x

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, smeagol said:

Great topic and one that needed addressing quite badly there Chiana, well done. 

Personally over the last few months I have lurked more and more, or just popped in seen the mood of the place or "who" is in and bugged out.  Regulars will know I used to chat and joke in abundance when i was on.  Sadly the atmosphere has turned quite toxic, "lobby mainly" which has been mentioned in an answer previous.  Just because someone doesn't want to or can't join in a clique, they should never been outed for lurking.  We all have many reasons why, we do, following a conversation can be quite involving and by the time you have typed up a good response, it's moved on to something different.  Real life calls a lot of the time, or we forget to log off, this happens to everyone.

One real bug bare is the amount of bullying towards "new people" or "Purps" or not in your personal group of friends, just because they have no picture doesn't mean they are up to no good.  We are all not lucky enough to risk a face picture on any medium online.  

People forget we were all new to this at some point in our life.  Quite a few like to sit back and get the mood of the room and how to type, or just finding a way to jump in a conversation,  this takes time.  I have and always do give new people that chance, even  if they have done a "faux pas"  there is no instruction manual on how to act new to online.  Give them guidance, if it's not heeded then we all have that block feature to use.

Just because a person or even a regular isn't joining in someone's fun time is no reason to call them out publicly.  We all need chill time, or of late people get the feeling they can't say anything without getting jumped on.   Many people have lost their mojo for interacting, like myself.

REMEMBER any scene be it kink or nilla, needs new people.  When it becomes toxic and unfriendly, you will never get new people opening up in time, they will just leave and not bother.

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts on the topic smea, it seems a lot are in agreement re newbies and the atmosphere in the lobby at the moment. 
 

I learn more about people as topics when I lurk, my brain can’t always cope with reading and typing a response and have even on occasion typed gobbledygook in chat when trying to get my point across. 
 

Hopefully the atmosphere will shift again soon and people who are shying away from chat will join in again. 

[Deleted Member]

11 minutes ago, Lillyth said:

On this same vein, I agree with the comments. I hope that if I have in any way made anyone feel alienated or contributed to the toxic atmosphere that you will tell me. I really don't believe I have but would hate to think this was the case either unintentionallyor due to a lack of self awareness. 

I remember what is was like when I first joined and don't like anyone to feel left out or unwelcome x

I’m not sure you could alienate anyone even if you tried, you’re always welcoming and friendly to both regulars and newcomers ❤️🥰

I can get on my high horse sometimes and challenge people when they say things I don’t understand or disagree with. My lesson learnt is to be more mindful and kind. 

[Lillyth]

30 minutes ago, sweet***sub said:

I’m not sure you could alienate anyone even if you tried, you’re always welcoming and friendly to both regulars and newcomers ❤️🥰

I can get on my high horse sometimes and challenge people when they say things I don’t understand or disagree with. My lesson learnt is to be more mindful and kind. 

Aww thank you lovely.

I don't think there is anything wrong with healthy debate and challenging. You are always lovely and polite and interested in people ❤

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, smeagol said:

Great topic and one that needed addressing quite badly there Chiana, well done. 

Personally over the last few months I have lurked more and more, or just popped in seen the mood of the place or "who" is in and bugged out.  Regulars will know I used to chat and joke in abundance when i was on.  Sadly the atmosphere has turned quite toxic, "lobby mainly" which has been mentioned in an answer previous.  Just because someone doesn't want to or can't join in a clique, they should never been outed for lurking.  We all have many reasons why, we do, following a conversation can be quite involving and by the time you have typed up a good response, it's moved on to something different.  Real life calls a lot of the time, or we forget to log off, this happens to everyone.

One real bug bare is the amount of bullying towards "new people" or "Purps" or not in your personal group of friends, just because they have no picture doesn't mean they are up to no good.  We are all not lucky enough to risk a face picture on any medium online.  

People forget we were all new to this at some point in our life.  Quite a few like to sit back and get the mood of the room and how to type, or just finding a way to jump in a conversation,  this takes time.  I have and always do give new people that chance, even  if they have done a "faux pas"  there is no instruction manual on how to act new to online.  Give them guidance, if it's not heeded then we all have that block feature to use.

Just because a person or even a regular isn't joining in someone's fun time is no reason to call them out publicly.  We all need chill time, or of late people get the feeling they can't say anything without getting jumped on.   Many people have lost their mojo for interacting, like myself.

REMEMBER any scene be it kink or nilla, needs new people.  When it becomes toxic and unfriendly, you will never get new people opening up in time, they will just leave and not bother.

 

 

Well said Smea 👍🏻👍🏻

[Je****]

This is a very good topic sweet, lovely that you brought it up.

 

no one should feel afraid to lurk.

i do not agree with people calling a "purp" or regular out of lurk. we all have our reasons for lurking. sometimes i dont know much on a topic or feel uncomfortable with tension at times so i can sit back and just watch the flow. for me i join there to learn and have adult company. 

someone previously mentioned on this thread that the kink scene needs new people to join and help battle the stigma of fetishes and all things kink related. and rightly so. i agree things can get silly in there but at the end of the day this is one big fet family and we should all try our best to make it a comfy place for chatters and lurkers alike. 

i do try my best to welcome new people and greet everyone i see come in to chat. but if you or anyone wants to lurk, they shouldnt be called out or judged for it. hopefully the family grows. 

happy 2021 everyone.

[qu****]

The other thing is not everyone's confident enough to join in, personally I joined online thinking it would be easier as in real life I can be ***fully shy, guess what, even though no-one knows me I still find it difficult to join in, and after an ump***th time of being ignored, when room's quiet, even by some who only acknowledge others when friends aren't in, I stopped using chat

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, quietlysure said:

The other thing is not everyone's confident enough to join in, personally I joined online thinking it would be easier as in real life I can be ***fully shy, guess what, even though no-one knows me I still find it difficult to join in, and after an ump***th time of being ignored, when room's quiet, even by some who only acknowledge others when friends aren't in, I stopped using chat

I felt awkward loving this post as I don’t love the fact you’ve stopped using chat for the reasons you’ve stated. Maybe in time you’ll pop in and see if things have improved?

[qu****]

Maybe, but I'm a realist, and I can't see things changing that much, 

[Th****]

I have no problems with lurking, I do it myself sometimes, I enjoy some of the topics, and others I don't, so if I have nothing to say, well, I don't and lurk.

It can be intimidating for some in the chat rooms, just as intimidating as chatting face to face. we are all different and require different stimulus, to get the convocation flowing.

 

 

Edited December 31, 2020 by TheBodygaurd
edit

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, TheBodygaurd said:

I have no problems with lurking, I do it myself sometimes, I enjoy some of the topics, and others I don't, so if I have nothing to say, well, I don't and lurk.

It can be intimidating for some in the chat rooms, just as intimidating as chatting face to face. we are all different and require different stimulus, to get the convocation flowing.

I tend to lurk then blurt something out if it’s a subject I have some knowledge on and then say hi afterwards. Otherwise I sit lurking and learning and if it’s a subject that triggers me in any way I leave or if someone is being very disruptive.

 

 

[SammyB]

4 hours ago, Sinstress said:

I’m finding myself lurking a lot lately, I do have the site signed in on my phone and not always on it though. Sometimes there is a topic I know nothing about so I will watch and learn from different opinions, I pop on say hello But I do find the atmosphere hasn’t been nice lately So sometimes I just sit back and watch or leave and come back at a later time. 

Sin I couldn’t agree more and I have done the same x

[La****]

How do others know you're lurking anyways? I think you can check who's in chat, but I don't understand why anyone would? Also, seeing who is in the chat doesn't necessarily mean they are all currently 'lurking'. Never see this mentioned before, so didn't realise it was even an issue. Lurk away. X

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Lace7 said:

How do others know you're lurking anyways? I think you can check who's in chat, but I don't understand why anyone would? Also, seeing who is in the chat doesn't necessarily mean they are all currently 'lurking'. Never see this mentioned before, so didn't realise it was even an issue. Lurk away. X

It’s a positive thing that you haven’t been witness to negative things being said about lurkers or them being called out. I hope this continues and the lurkers are left to lurk 😊

[qu****]

A simple way round this would be if you weren't actually chatting in room you wouldn't be listed as active in chatroom, how many times have you noticed site says 20 people in lobby, and find 3 people chatting, and it's been like that for an hour, you can argue that's 3 people in lobby, not 20...

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, quietlysure said:

A simple way round this would be if you weren't actually chatting in room you wouldn't be listed as active in chatroom, how many times have you noticed site says 20 people in lobby, and find 3 people chatting, and it's been like that for an hour, you can argue that's 3 people in lobby, not 20...

I’m not sure how that would work? Do you mean if you’re not actively chatting you don’t show up on the list of people in the room? 

[sm****]

3 hours ago, quietlysure said:

A simple way round this would be if you weren't actually chatting in room you wouldn't be listed as active in chatroom, how many times have you noticed site says 20 people in lobby, and find 3 people chatting, and it's been like that for an hour, you can argue that's 3 people in lobby, not 20...

There is the auto kick after a set time of non activity for most.  If i haven't interacted for say 20 mins i get a message saying dropped out due to inactivity.

[qu****]

After a certain time period yes, then if you'd just forgotten to log out you wouldn't show as online, I have been on other sites before where after a certain time period of inactivity you were automatically logged out by the site, , 

[qu****]

Anyways the fact remains it's ok to lurk if you choose for whatever reason, if you're in the pub you're able to sit there quietly having a drink, so no difference 😁🤗

[qu****]

Mind you I don't do that either lol, 

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, quietlysure said:

After a certain time period yes, then if you'd just forgotten to log out you wouldn't show as online, I have been on other sites before where after a certain time period of inactivity you were automatically logged out by the site, , 

To be honest I don’t see anything wrong with the way things are at the moment. That wasn’t the issue, it’s how to stop the negativity towards lurkers. I don’t mind who sees me lurking or for how long, I just don’t want to be called out or called creepy or boring because I haven’t said hi in the room. 

[qu****]

I know, that's why I moved things on ☺️🤗

[uk****]

It’s like sitting in the corner quietly with a drink. If you wouldn’t criticise someone for it in real life don’t do it on here.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, ukmarky said:

It’s like sitting in the corner quietly with a drink. If you wouldn’t criticise someone for it in real life don’t do it on here.

Couldn’t agree more 😊

[Straight_Switch]

Anyone calling out others for lurking or generally being negative towards anyone need a bit of a reality check and perhaps go outside for a while.

 

The entire premise of a site like this is a safe place that one and all can come together to watch, learn, share and experience in what ever form that takes for that individual without judgment.

Lurkers are not the problem here.

Hope you all had a great new years.