Damaged but not broken

[Da****]

Sometimes I feel like I’m broken. Broken mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes I feel like the ways I’m broken are irreparable. I have a love hate relationship with my past trauma. I hate that it makes me think the things I do. I hate that it makes me feel insecure when all I want is to be seen as confident and strong. I hate that I have nightmares. I hate that I get easily startled or overwhelmed when around other people. I love it though because it has made me strong.. it has taught me valuable lessons, it has made me appreciate my life and the good in it. I’m able to help other people, relate to them, give them the advice they need, or just simply empathize with them in a way most people can’t.

I always feel like because my little girl has been shut away (my vulnerability) for so long and never allowed to come out because she’s so fiercely guarded, that she’s underdeveloped. Being at war with the emotional mind, with your rational one is so incredibly frustrating. I know why my Dominant side guards her. I know why I limit access to her. Someone would literally wreck my world if they betrayed me in this state. How do you tell yourself it’s safe when it never has been? How do I keep my Dominant part from springing into action when my *** side gets its feelings hurt over something stupid? When I fight it’s not with my little girl, it’s with my inner beast. I deploy it like a protection mechanism.

When I feel threatened I immediately shut off all vulnerabilities and you are left with my Dominance which is unyielding, assertive and refuses to bow. Inside though my logical mind is yelling at me to stop. That this isn’t worth a fight. My emotional mind says, the fuck if it isn’t! My vulnerability is sitting in the background grasping the chain around her ankle trying to pull it free from the wall while my beast guards it. She wants out, she wants to do all those amazing things we have talked about. I’m just so fucked up that I get in my own way. It makes me feel crazy because I have so many different layers. It makes me feel broken because even though I know the things I’m thinking aren’t true, I still gear up to fight. It makes me feel unlovable because who wants to put up with me?

I think that’s why I get extra needy after a fight. It’s a reassurance you still care, you still want me. This is very much my little girl standing with arms wide open and extended towards you because she knows where she belongs. She knows who she belongs to. All she wants is to make you happy and doing so makes her happy.

That’s why I said that I know I can submit. That doing so offers me the ability to shut my mind off and bask in your Dominance.

I can’t help but wonder.. does anyone else feel this way?

[an****]

I feel this all the way, I was hurt in this *** state, several times, and it feels like my own mind has locked me away from it so that I cant bring it out anymore, because it no longer feels safe and my mind has to guard out at all costs, it takes a long time to build the kind of trust needed to bring this side of me out anymore to truly let go

[oz****]

This is why I love the D/s dynamic. On the other side, I can switch off and be in the moment with my sub. I am in control, I deliver what my sub needs, everyone is happy.

[Mr****]

You are neither broken nor damaged. If anything, you are likely more aware and put-together than you would like to be. This, and your profile, read of a woman with discernment. Such is innately distressing for reasons that I have full confidence you already know. You can't trust everyone with the soft pieces. At the same time, it's important to know that just because a person is a bit more willing to roll with the punches ("some ff

[Mr****]

**(some far more literally than others) doesn't mean they lack all softness.

[Ba****]

What a beautifully written text. For me, it was helpful to accept that the world won't end if I allow myself to experience this state and let it come out. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way I hoped. Taking small steps, step by step, and repeatedly allowing myself to feel and offer something that scares me —the result is definitely worth it with the right person. And it makes me more confident and allowed development.

[aj****]

🫶🏽

[Re****]

Madam I just finished a book for people like us its in its final stages of proof reading and removing redundancy and as a thank you for your service im gonna give you a copy

[Ju****]

Whenever I read what you write, it pulls me in. It feels like I’m reading a version of myself only you’ve found a way to put things into words that I never could.
I’ve always seen myself as a fighter, and I see that same fight in you. No quit. But lately, I’m tired. Most days, I feel like giving up. I feel so ***, weak, and defeated. Navigating life has become like triangulating my position on a scrambled map, and I just can't find my bearings.
I’ve spent my life never needing anyone. I’ve always kept my circle small, sometimes nonexistent, I let very few people get close. I had become distant, withdrawn, and isolated, and I was okay with that. Or at least I thought I was. But now, more than ever, I find myself wanting some kind of support system. something I’ve never really had. The truth is, I wouldn’t even know how to ask for it or how to accept it if it showed up. I might not even recognize it for what it is.
My life has become a loop: wake up, quick workout, work, home, quick workout, eat, sleep, repeat. There’s no space for anything else.
For a long time, I didn’t feel much of anything, just numb. And in a strange way, that was easier. But now something’s changing. like the demons that I buried long ago have resurfaced and are looking to collect a debt. And I don't have a choice but to confront them.
And the truth is, I just don’t know how.

[jinxed]

Thank you for sharing and creating a space to open up about the many different parts within us. I recognised the twenty year old version of  me in your words who went through life wearing an impenetrable suit of armour, viciously attacking everyone who came one step too close. Then a very innocent kind of love made me open up and the little girl, as you endearingly call her, got to run wild and live freely. But only ever on a rotating basis. Either the little girl or the warrior would run the show depending on the given circumstances. This continued even after that particular relationship ended and then it got rather nasty. It was like I kept throwing her to the sharks or rather she chose to be eaten by them repeatedly. 

Eventually, I began to learn how to communicate with her and the other parts. Later, I even could mediate between them, make them befriend each other. This might sound completely crazy, but that's what happened. I understand now how hard they're all working to keep it all going and sometimes - if not reliably by any stretch - I am even able to nurture them or calm them down and in some rare but increasing cases, we work as a team! Those experiences are absolutely mad, and an outsider would probably suggest I find professional help quickly, but the results are absolutely incredible every single time it happens. The other times however.. well let's not talk about those.

Thank you for your openness! It's infectious. 

 

Edited 22 hours ago by jinxed