Who Should Sex Be Focused On?

[an****]

In my experience, most of my focus during sex is on my partner, making sure she’s engaged, comfortable, and able to reach completion. I’m very used to taking on that role, and I’m comfortable adjusting or backing off if she’s not responsive to check-ins or “soft asks.” What I’ve noticed, though, is that some women still place a strong emphasis on a my pleasure, mirror check-ins, especially when their own experience is more complex, variable, or less guaranteed. What drives a woman to prioritize her partner’s pleasure over her own?

[Gr****]

I like to agree. I am quite a pleasure Dom so making my partner enjoy it as much as possible so the most pleasurable thing for me.

[No****]

What drives a woman to prioritize her partner’s pleasure over her own? I am confused why you would ask that after you wrote an entire paragraph explaining why you prioritize her pleasure over your own? Why would it not be the same for her to focus on her partner’s needs? And to be clear, I am not asking that in a snarky way, but rather genuinely curious why you think two partners should have different goals in bed?

[Gr****]

1 minute ago, NotSoPureMichigan said:

What drives a woman to prioritize her partner’s pleasure over her own? I am confused why you would ask that after you wrote an entire paragraph explaining why you prioritize her pleasure over your own? Why would it not be the same for her to focus on her partner’s needs? And to be clear, I am not asking that in a snarky way, but rather genuinely curious why you think two partners should have different goals in bed?

You know, I completely breezed over the last bit there. I agreed with the first bit and sentiment and completely blanked on that last bit! You make a very valid point. The question seems a little odd

[Th****]

Sometimes it’s past experiences. My ex would blame me for me not getting off. He’d get upset and say I either needed to lose weight or would accuse me of cheating. And I wasn’t comfortable leaving the relationship for a long time. During that time I learned to act like I was having the ultimate time, even if I wasn’t. And sex wasn’t over until HE came. So sometimes I panic and think the guy isn’t having a good time when he checks in and I try to make it seem like I’m having a better time than I actually am. Thankfully, the last guy I met on here was very intuitive. He would slow down or we would take breaks because he knew I was thinking too hard and no longer enjoying myself to the max capacity… if that makes sense? I’m not speaking for ALL women, by far. I know I am just a small fraction, but I know other women who have done the same🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

[Mo****]

I tend to ensure my partner comes during sex. I feel as though it’s more… “important” for him to finish since he has a more stressful job and that by him finishing—he might have a better day.

[Ca****]

It shouldn't be focused on anyone. It's a mutual activity, better when everyone involved is actively engaged.

[an****]

2 hours ago, NotSoPureMichigan said:

What drives a woman to prioritize her partner’s pleasure over her own? I am confused why you would ask that after you wrote an entire paragraph explaining why you prioritize her pleasure over your own? Why would it not be the same for her to focus on her partner’s needs? And to be clear, I am not asking that in a snarky way, but rather genuinely curious why you think two partners should have different goals in bed?

Thank you for the disclaimer, I appreciate clinical discussion. I’m framing it as logistics. Exactly why I’m questioning the reverse. If one side is generally more complex, less predictable, and easier to disrupt, and the other side is relatively straightforward and almost guaranteed with minimal effort, then doesn’t it make sense to focus unevenly? I am not questioning the want, but the why. I have my own assumptions just looking for outside data (This also assumes both parties are seeking climax).

[Ca****]

5 minutes ago, anotherusername said:

Thank you for the disclaimer, I appreciate clinical discussion. I’m framing it as logistics. Exactly why I’m questioning the reverse. If one side is generally more complex, less predictable, and easier to disrupt, and the other side is relatively straightforward and almost guaranteed with minimal effort, then doesn’t it make sense to focus unevenly? I am not questioning the want, but the why. I have my own assumptions just looking for outside data (This also assumes both parties are seeking climax).

Most guys don't realize it, but our sex drive is just as complex as women's. We tend to oversimplify it, and jump straight to ED when we can't perform. But if my head's not in it, if I'm distracted, or self conscious, or can tell that she is, I can't perform. It should be pleasurable and engaging for all parties to ensure everyone is in the moment and performing at their best, whatever that looks like.

[an****]

2 hours ago, ThicccGrl92 said:

Sometimes it’s past experiences. My ex would blame me for me not getting off. He’d get upset and say I either needed to lose weight or would accuse me of cheating. And I wasn’t comfortable leaving the relationship for a long time. During that time I learned to act like I was having the ultimate time, even if I wasn’t. And sex wasn’t over until HE came. So sometimes I panic and think the guy isn’t having a good time when he checks in and I try to make it seem like I’m having a better time than I actually am. Thankfully, the last guy I met on here was very intuitive. He would slow down or we would take breaks because he knew I was thinking too hard and no longer enjoying myself to the max capacity… if that makes sense? I’m not speaking for ALL women, by far. I know I am just a small fraction, but I know other women who have done the same🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand your reasoning. Check-ins spiked your anxiety, that's interesting. Thank you.

[ar****]

Imagine both partners, each focusing on the other partner. That's a very unselfish, true love to me.

[an****]

1 hour ago, MoJay8814 said:

I tend to ensure my partner comes during sex. I feel as though it’s more… “important” for him to finish since he has a more stressful job and that by him finishing—he might have a better day.

My curiosity always fits along the lines of your comment. Climax for men (personal experience) is a main end goal for sex for many reasons. Is climax just not your goal or what's the reason why male climax seems to be giving more importance? What is the main end goal for yourself if climax is not it?

[an****]

3 hours ago, Gr8BrwnWnder said:

I like to agree. I am quite a pleasure Dom so making my partner enjoy it as much as possible so the most pleasurable thing for me.

My question is to ask if pleasure is the same goal for both parties, why is focus not (generally) jointly directed at the more complex goal. However, if climax is not the main goal for both, what (specifically) makes it all worth the effort for the female partner? Service? A good sweat? The experience? I mean I understand how being of service to someone can be pleasant. I have had sex without climax, just a little fun in a public place or something, but to repeat that over the course of a LTR where my partner climaxes every time and I just don't seems awful. Feels like I would avoid the situation or grow to resent it if I was not getting a sense of satisfaction. What is that. What is the satisfaction that women are getting if/when climax is not the goal or it isn't worth the effort? I'm not ever looking for easy answers just real data.

[Gr****]

1 minute ago, anotherusername said:

My question is to ask if pleasure is the same goal for both parties, why is focus not (generally) jointly directed at the more complex goal. However, if climax is not the main goal for both, what (specifically) makes it all worth the effort for the female partner? Service? A good sweat? The experience? I mean I understand how being of service to someone can be pleasant. I have had sex without climax, just a little fun in a public place or something, but to repeat that over the course of a LTR where my partner climaxes every time and I just don't seems awful. Feels like I would avoid the situation or grow to resent it if I was not getting a sense of satisfaction. What is that. What is the satisfaction that women are getting if/when climax is not the goal or it isn't worth the effort? I'm not ever looking for easy answers just real data.

Well, I can only speak for myself and my personal experiences but the goal has always been climax. Multiple climaxes at that. The journey to get to the climax changes bit the end goal has always been this?

[an****]

3 minutes ago, Gr8BrwnWnder said:

Well, I can only speak for myself and my personal experiences but the goal has always been climax. Multiple climaxes at that. The journey to get to the climax changes bit the end goal has always been this?

I guess that's really the main thesis here. Is climax the goal for everyone?

[Gr****]

1 minute ago, anotherusername said:

I guess that's really the main thesis here. Is climax the goal for everyone?

Hmmm yeah. Id be interested to know if there are people who don't see climax as a the goal

[jinxed]

22 minutes ago, anotherusername said:

 

However, if climax is not the main goal for both, what (specifically) makes it all worth the effort for the female partner? 

I can count on two hands the times I climaxed with a man unless it was me using a toy. It's almost impossible for me as I simply can't relax enough to get there when my partner is even close to me. On my own, not a problem. 
For me it's not really worth any effort nor do I get satisfaction out of not climaxing. Rather it's my way to keep a man by my side. If all else is a catastrophe with me, then at least that positive part will always be available with me. So it all boils down to very very low self-esteem and since I am aware of what a messed-up mindset that is, I am desperately working on changing it. But for now this is the honest answer. 

[Mo****]

4 hours ago, anotherusername said:

My curiosity always fits along the lines of your comment. Climax for men (personal experience) is a main end goal for sex for many reasons. Is climax just not your goal or what's the reason why male climax seems to be giving more importance? What is the main end goal for yourself if climax is not it?

I can’t speak for other women, but I prefer to focus on the man more because once they climax—they’re done. They’ve a cooldown.

So it’ll make the session or intimate moment shorter. Which is fine with me. I’d rather have him finish and then I’ll take care of myself either later or just go do something else.

It’s a messed up way of thinking :/ I know.

[an****]

4 hours ago, jinxed said:

I can count on two hands the times I climaxed with a man unless it was me using a toy. It's almost impossible for me as I simply can't relax enough to get there when my partner is even close to me. On my own, not a problem. 
For me it's not really worth any effort nor do I get satisfaction out of not climaxing. Rather it's my way to keep a man by my side. If all else is a catastrophe with me, then at least that positive part will always be available with me. So it all boils down to very very low self-esteem and since I am aware of what a messed-up mindset that is, I am desperately working on changing it. But for now this is the honest answer. 

Being this self aware comes with unfortunate cost. Thank you for sharing. I personally think our interactions are way more transactional than anyone really cares to admit even the mundane pleasantries so I definitely am not one to make any negative assumptions or judgement, there is a lot of built-in survival we ignore, don't know, or are made to feel 'different' because it's not 'how we should be'.

[an****]

36 minutes ago, MoJay8814 said:

I can’t speak for other women, but I prefer to focus on the man more because once they climax—they’re done. They’ve a cooldown.

So it’ll make the session or intimate moment shorter. Which is fine with me. I’d rather have him finish and then I’ll take care of myself either later or just go do something else.

It’s a messed up way of thinking :/ I know.

100% the opposite. This is exactly the information that is so good for us to share, it's the 'raw' data of what is really going on, no fluff. Thank you. It's not messed up, it is your reality. The problem is that with our partners we can't always be this honest, because of feelings or reprisal. So, this helps.

[ar****]

5 hours ago, Gr8BrwnWnder said:

Hmmm yeah. Id be interested to know if there are people who don't see climax as a the goal

For me, the goal is pleasure. Pleasure can lead to climax, but not enjoying the pleasure without climax is rather one-dimensional.

[Co****]

💛

[Co****]

Lemme know if you want to chat 🐱,

[Co****]

Meow

[Be****]

People pleasing tendencies carried over from our outside life. 💜