Need some personal advice: 9 years later

[ar****]

I'm in a 9 year relationship with a woman. We are best friends and live together, we became an open couple a year or more ago so that we could fulfil our needs - as we are not able to fully match each other in different parts of our relationship (emotional support etc). We love each other, but differently. She thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder, has been having strong crushes and attachment to other people. I have been suffering: less time together, and when we are it feels absent like I'm just hanging out with a friend in the same room and not with a "girlfriend". She's been super nice about this and says so herself she's going through a rough patch and doesn't know what's going on but she might not be romantic towards anyone. This completely shattered my illusion of the "forever duo". We agreed she's free to pursue and do her own things as she has and acknowledged I'm hurting. We agreed i would still be open to other people as I might still find someone who could be a partner to me the way she is not and still have her in my life. I thought I was the submissive and she was the dominant but it seems like i do a lot of dominant stuff in our life: I care for her feelings, support her emotionally, talk through her problems, drive, cook, do grocery shopping, tidy up, organise plans etc... sometimes I'm held 😢 but I wished it was more often. This has been communicated but we realised she's at capacity and she can't give me anymore right now. Any advice? Please be nice 🙏

[Deleted Member]

She's fucking with you, buddy.

[Ja****]

She doesn’t love you girl. But just playing around you. So you had better wise up

[La****]

I agree with the other comments, she’s messing with you

[he****]

I mean there’s really no other way to say is but to say it’s over. It’s time for you to move on and acknowledge that whatever romantic or gf relationship you had is over. Was the being open your idea or her idea?? From what you’ve said she’s obviously not into you or wants anything major with you other than a friendship. You also have given up on the relationship yet you hold on to something excepting there to be a different result on a different day. I also think that you are very submissive and your break down why you are dominant is proof you are a sub. With that said my advice is to move on and accept it’s over. No need to hold on to something that doesn’t exist anymore

[Deleted Member]

And she’s using a supposed disorder as justification to use you as support. She gets all the benefits, the best of both worlds, sex and romantic relationships with others + emotional and maybe even financial support from you. Get the fuck out of this relationship and make sure she realizes how much of a despicable human being she has been to you.

[ma****]

Sounds like she may well have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). The only treatment, really is Therapy, for example, DBT or at a push CBT. I have heard that EMDR can also Help.

It sounds really tough for you. You really have three choices, do nothing, look for what missing outside your relationship, but remain together or gently, kindly, end the relationship.

I hope this is helpful.

[ar****]

Thank you for your comments and I understand you're all trying to help. I would just like to make some justice to this person. She does love me, just not in that same way anymore. Mentioning the Disorder is just her trying to understand what is going on in her head because she doesn't want to hurt me but she is aware things are changing in her brain, she also contacted her doctor about it so she can have some professional insight. Opening up was my idea because I realised I was not being emotionally met a lot of the time and thought I could sacrifice more to make her happy. I agree the best is to move on, but honestly I'm not sure where to meet new people outside of the online seen. I would like to try to go to an event but don't know where to find those munches events, I think the closest to me right now appears to be 70miles away so I'm considering going

[Deleted Member]

Great!! Moving on is hard and you're heading on the right direction, good luck on the much youre planning on going. If i were breaking up I'd travel abroad to link with new people.
That being said, i dont want to hurt your feelings but unkind truths are the best longterm... she doesnt love you as you think she does, you're being gentle on the words. Shes checked out romantically and is keeping you as a safe, reliable emotional servant, roommate, and fallback while she chases new attachments.
If you call convenience love, then so be it. Ive seen this happening time and time again with friends of mine, both guys and girls doing the same shes doing to you, its just coward.
You may call it a disorder or whatever, doesnt change the outcome. Theres a lot of people with disorders out there that dont treat their partner as a sidepiece/outlet. Hope this thread served to rip the band aid off once and for all.
Travel, great strangers at the park, go to those munches... i wish you the best of luck.

[ge****]

Having recently been through a similar situation, albeit not 9 years in, I can sympathise - if you're struggling coming to terms with things you have a few options:
.
- Sit down and talk this through with her, tell her exactly and honestly how you're feeling and ask her to put the brakes on a little while you both sort yourselves out - maybe think about a relationship framework that governs not only boundaries but also things like the time you spend together.
.
- Leave her, for your own sanity and peace of mind.
.
- Continue to struggle on.
.
- Consider relationship therapy.
.
Ultimately though I'm sorry to say that if she's putting all the emotional weight on you, it's unlikely things will change and that she'll adapt to your needs despite loving you and despite seeing you struggle - that's exactly what happened to me.
.
I wish you well though and hope you can work something out for you.

[ar****]

6 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Having recently been through a similar situation, albeit not 9 years in, I can sympathise - if you're struggling coming to terms with things you have a few options:
.
- Sit down and talk this through with her, tell her exactly and honestly how you're feeling and ask her to put the brakes on a little while you both sort yourselves out - maybe think about a relationship framework that governs not only boundaries but also things like the time you spend together.
.
- Leave her, for your own sanity and peace of mind.
.
- Continue to struggle on.
.
- Consider relationship therapy.
.
Ultimately though I'm sorry to say that if she's putting all the emotional weight on you, it's unlikely things will change and that she'll adapt to your needs despite loving you and despite seeing you struggle - that's exactly what happened to me.
.
I wish you well though and hope you can work something out for you.

Thanks, that's helpful. I'm hoping to meet new people irl but just not sure how 🥲

[ar****]

15 minutes ago, yourSuperiorDad said:

Great!! Moving on is hard and you're heading on the right direction, good luck on the much youre planning on going. If i were breaking up I'd travel abroad to link with new people.
That being said, i dont want to hurt your feelings but unkind truths are the best longterm... she doesnt love you as you think she does, you're being gentle on the words. Shes checked out romantically and is keeping you as a safe, reliable emotional servant, roommate, and fallback while she chases new attachments.
If you call convenience love, then so be it. Ive seen this happening time and time again with friends of mine, both guys and girls doing the same shes doing to you, its just coward.
You may call it a disorder or whatever, doesnt change the outcome. Theres a lot of people with disorders out there that dont treat their partner as a sidepiece/outlet. Hope this thread served to rip the band aid off once and for all.
Travel, great strangers at the park, go to those munches... i wish you the best of luck.

Thank you. Yes right now I'm trying to meet more people. It's hard because I have put myself out there in clubs but I'm on my own and people don't approach me, sometimes I will approach but didn't really get connections. I thought maybe something less intense like a munch would be good but I'm open to any advice you guys may have as what other things could lead me to meet new people

[ar****]

What about dating apps? Surely, you can meet someone through one of those?

[ar****]

13 minutes ago, arnhem961 said:

What about dating apps? Surely, you can meet someone through one of those?

Thank you, I'm trying, currently on feeld, bumble and this one. Is there one you recommend that works better? I think people get a bit put off because I still currently state I'm in an open relationship

[ar****]

5 minutes ago, argilacutie said:

Thank you, I'm trying, currently on feeld, bumble and this one. Is there one you recommend that works better? I think people get a bit put off because I still currently state I'm in an open relationship

Try Boo or OkCupid, and send intros/messages there. That usually works for me. Bumble, Tinder, CSL, Badoo and Hinge may work, but likely only if you spend.

[Sp****]

Try fetlife too.. You can do a lot there.. The community is great.. Chats are free.. And caters to a lot of groups.. Poly, open, etc.. I was a secondary in a couple where I picked up the slack and entertained the things the husband didn't like.. Surely you could get a secondary and still remain with your primary.. I'm my experience, you sound like you just need to each have your own secondaries to fill in the gaps.. Best of luck! PS I'm spirit_of_1979 on there if you need a friend there...

[im****]

You know the answer. It's the right answer too. My advice would be to read what you wrote as one of us? What would you advise?

[ge****]

2 hours ago, argilacutie said:

Thank you. Yes right now I'm trying to meet more people. It's hard because I have put myself out there in clubs but I'm on my own and people don't approach me, sometimes I will approach but didn't really get connections. I thought maybe something less intense like a munch would be good but I'm open to any advice you guys may have as what other things could lead me to meet new people

The thing is though, whilst logic might suggest that you meeting others will help - the change in approach actually needs to come from her, and if she's not adapting at all - having others in the picture for you won't actuallt change anything with your primary partner, and if anything will see her further away as she'll think you're being catered to elsewhere

[Il****]

Borderline personality disorder.. lol ALL these women lately are so royally fucked up in the head. Borderline this, ADHD that, trauma this, this that and the other. Polyamory seems to only exist in relationships where one or both partners is a narcissist sociopath or has some kind of mental illness. I think she's lying, she's bored and unhappy and doing that slowwww retreat, away from you, purposely sabotaging your relationship until it causes a reaction out of you that opens the door for her to blame you and end it all.

[sm****]

I'm really surprised how people here are so monogamous 😬 Relationships change. Sometimes it's really hard to accept that and flow with it, but your way of describing the situation makes me think that you are aware of the situation, of your needs. Of course you are hurting. We all have expectations, and it's difficult not to have them met.
However, you have a strong bond with this person, if the communication is clear, if you both can adjust your needs and if you don't want to put on each other the weight of being everything for you, I think you both can be happy in this at one point.
We all love differently, and loving more people does not make you love less someone.
I wish for you beautiful and meaningful bonds, discovering other people, finding how amazing it is to have your friends and lovers around you. Friends are undervalued when it comes to one's need to be loved.
Also, as of the dominance and being cared for: I think all of us tend to be drawn sexually to the opposite side of what we have to be in our lives. Most doms are indecisive and more dependent in real life than subs.
Sending you a lot of hugs 🫂

[jj****]

Honestly, I would move on from the partner. I know that’s easier said than done, but this doesn’t sound like an actual open relationship - it sounds like she just wants permission to cheat on you to keep you as a backup.

[we****]

Dump her

[Pl****]

Has your partner made any small compromises or concessions in your favour based on the needs you shared with her?

[Ki****]

Move on my friend. Women aren’t ever “ours”, it’s just our turn. You got what you wanted and now it’s fleeting. Get a newer model with less miles(turns)…

[ha****]

Hiiii dm to chat