A Woman's Perspective on FET: "I'm not finding anyone..."

[Whimsy]

I was discussing this with a very nice young man earlier today. He politely asked me this question: "I'm not finding people here... what's the trick from a woman's perspective?"

These were my thoughts after a year of wandering about in the chaos. They won't be for everyone, but they may be useful to a handful of you all who truly want to make a connection.

There are a few things that I've learned over the last year:

1. Post images every day. Just anything that makes you, you. I tend to love images of people that are NOT sexual in nature. I get so so so many images of men stroking themselves and it is not sexy to me. They're getting a thrill, but for me it's just Tuesday. (More on this in a moment.)

2. Be yourself. If you pretend to be who you think others want you to be, you'll never meet anyone that your really want to be with and who truly enjoys you for who you are.

3. Many, many men treat this app like any "pick up a girl" app - because they want a quick hook up and sex. Many others look at this for what it is, a power exchange app, where we have the opportunity to use our minds to be sexy.

4. Be patient. I have a lot of profile views - I've found a dozen that have been kind and generous, and a handful that I talk to on a regular basis.

5. Decide what you want. If it's quick sex, I don't know how to help you. I suppose... send a lot of messages and be ready to just accept the fact that 1/1000 will work. There are other apps for that. If you find a deeper desire - to explore power exchange, to be Dominant or Submissive for example - you may stand a better chance here overall. *You'll have to use your brain.*

6. Use proper punctuation and sentences. Almost no one does this anymore. To do so, will literally set you apart and make you seem 100x more impressive, intelligent, and empathetic. Then... LISTEN to what people say. You may want to leap ahead, but wait... be patient. Listen.

7. Invest in the person that you message. Read about them. Comment on them. Ask real questions. NOT "HRU?" or "Hay Gorgeous" or "Haybebi wanafuq?" That's wasted space and you'll be ignored. Ask something meaningful, insightful, real. Be genuine. Everyone here seems only to want to get into someone's pants. Get into their mind.

8. Don't get angry. Move on. The moderators here will end your account if you're insulting to other members. Not everyone will want you. Find the one who does. Life is hard, you'll need to NOT take it personally.

9. Use Google translate if you're facing a language barrier - don't lose something that could be wonderful. Learn their language, invest.

10. Don't stop. If you stop, you'll never find anyone. That's just the truth. Keep on sending messages to new people, keep asking good questions. Be genuine... but don't stop.

[Hypnocurious]

Well said. I totally agree with your list. I even found something helpful to me. Thank you for posting.

[ba****]

Your perspective is greatly appreciated! Thanks for sharing

[Ad****]

Yeah im at a loss on here too, this helps so much! Thank you!

[JV****]

Spot on …thank you for sharing this list.

[Moley]

Thanks, good suggestions. I didn't about posting regular images , and daily you say ?

[am****]

As a bi guy I can confirm that although both sexes are guilty of what's written above, when I get a lazily made message from someone who I have to wonder is even sentient...its often more likely to be men. So it kinda puts me off looking for them online.

Like, this isn't the 90s-early 2000s. We're not texting with keypads anymore. There's no reason not to have the self respect to communicate with dignity other than the fact that the American school system has failed you.

Unfortunately, the nature of the beast with men on dating apps is also that you could still be doing everything right and not get anything. The person you're trying to match with can be overloaded with men, they may not be willing to check their likes (as on many dating apps, it costs ***), and sometimes indeed they may be picky to an entitled degree but they also may just not be into you. It's not a guarantee, but that also can be very discouraging for people who have to put in so much effort to present themselves just for a fraction of a chance of being seen. The only real solution is to not take these apps too seriously or interpret your failures here as a sign of failing as a human being. The latter doesn't come from what you get or don't get, but from what you do and don't do.

[La****]

100% agree with this 👍👏👏👏

[Ad****]

Absolutely amor-eel. Hell a lot of times a guy lucky if he get an initial response in the first place. That’s already the first great filter for men on dating apps The second grade filter is what you described.
The third one would be, they just stopped talking to you abruptly and never respond again.

[De****]

Well said

[PL****]

I love this, thank you for helping others with this perspective. I agree with it 100%!

[Te****]

1, you could honour that stroking. Literally. This is a sex positive community, This is the literal nature, of a p*nis. Yes men do it alot. It's not going to stop maybe stop and smell the wanking roses and critique them on form and technique rather than baseless distaste. Sorry you've been so injured by the plethora of it. And compliment a few guys on their form and posture.
2. True but some people are genuinely unsure of WHO they are it's our job as community members to coach and direct in a positive manner.
3. Not every connection on here will be a cosmic meeting of the sexual minds. That's a simple fact by sheer numbers.
4, sage advice.
5.facts.
6.kinda getting into Karen territory, not wrong, but karenish social decrees.
7. Truth, be genuine and authentic. Full stop.
8. No room for that, here, there, or anywhere.
9. And 10. More strong sage advice

[am****]

30 minutes ago, maple-ridge38782 said:

1, you could honour that stroking. Literally. This is a sex positive community, This is the literal nature, of a p*nis. Yes men do it alot. It's not going to stop maybe stop and smell the wanking roses and critique them on form and technique rather than baseless distaste. Sorry you've been so injured by the plethora of it. And compliment a few guys on their form and posture.
2. True but some people are genuinely unsure of WHO they are it's our job as community members to coach and direct in a positive manner.
3. Not every connection on here will be a cosmic meeting of the sexual minds. That's a simple fact by sheer numbers.
4, sage advice.
5.facts.
6.kinda getting into Karen territory, not wrong, but karenish social decrees.
7. Truth, be genuine and authentic. Full stop.
8. No room for that, here, there, or anywhere.
9. And 10. More strong sage advice

I really hope you're not advocating for unsolicited D pics. Sexual harassment is NOT sex positive.

[T0****]

Thank you for the post. Especially the last one. I have been struggling for a while to find anyone, finding only a few that ended up trying to use or scam me. I've become very displeased and find it very hard to remain optimistic.
Thank you for the tips. I'll definitely be taking them to heart.

[Te****]

No I'm not advocating anyone send unsolicited, I am speaking only at the browsing of existing.

[ey****]

51 minutes ago, Tendeloveandcare said:

1, you could honour that stroking. Literally. This is a sex positive community, This is the literal nature, of a p*nis. Yes men do it alot. It's not going to stop maybe stop and smell the wanking roses and critique them on form and technique rather than baseless distaste. Sorry you've been so injured by the plethora of it. And compliment a few guys on their form and posture.

this is kind of a weird take - because you got a woman (and not the first and only to ever raise this) to be like - guys, we're really not interested in d**k pics, especially when it's gallery's full of them - and your take is "no, you should enjoy them"

51 minutes ago, Tendeloveandcare said:

2. True but some people are genuinely unsure of WHO they are it's our job as community members to coach and direct in a positive manner.

Perhaps people should find who they are before stumbling into a community that isn't for them

I think the kinda vibe is being as authentic as possible online, rather than - for example - saying what we think people want - I guess for example the old "good sub" trope. 

[ey****]

I find it difficult to disagree with your points - and, even if I did, it's still your perspective.

Whilst not a wholly disagreement - I think daily photos can be a little excessive and can be quite draining especially if many get little/no interaction - the little dopamine hit lacking - however, I think being active online has helped me a lot.   

I guess also something that has helped me a lot is diversifying both being online and going to local (and not-so-local) munches and events.   

I think also that a lot of people, of all genders, aren't necessarily looking for the same thing and that does always add a layer of complexity. It will tie in to my last point.  Myself, I'm not looking for "the one". I'm married.   I am looking for local (and not-so-local) play partners which may have potential to be more than ad hoc relationships as part of a non-monogamous relationship.  This adds very much to your point on patience, and also being on the right sites for what you're seeking.  

Incidentally, yesterday I set up a meet with someone - and it's someone where we kinda knew of each other from online interactions, but first got talking when met at an event and that's led to a few meets for play over time.  So this has the kinda tick boxes of online and active, in person meets, consistency and authenticity.

I think the main thing is... especially as so many people look for different things; it is difficult to find people who are right and accepting that is part the answer.  Looking where you can improve and where you need to be patient.  Not lowering either standards ("they'll do") or effort (i.e. low effort messages cos you "don't see the point") through deflation cos it'll just end in more deflation.  

[Te****]

Honor and move on, stop registering as disgust. That's a personal choice.

[Ce****]

I’ve only just started on this app and I’m already getting a larger amount of men than women and trans and non-binary have yet to come up in my area. So I can definitely see it being hard to make a connection especially if you are looking for a unicorn 🦄.

[si****]

Is this a joke ? I've been myself for most of my life and being nice, kind etc has never helped and I'm in my late 40's. I don't mean for this to come across as argumentative or disruptive of your point but I do wonder if there is some bias in this. In my experience women want some combination of exciting, dynamic, charismatic, and a whole load of borderline red flag characteristics. Which not many people, let alone men, actually are and/or would be unhealthy to be for a long period of time.

It is incredibly hard to get the attention of a woman by 'being yourself'. In my experience.

This may come across as rage bait but I think there are a lot of elements to it that are true. How many women see the quiet introvert and think, I'll go and chat to him.

I'm not saying what you have posted isn't a lovely idea/gesture, I'm just saying that I believe it is idealised to the point of not being real.

I hope I don't get flamed for this. I think even in the context of this app, rather than real life, you have extraverts and introverts and people going for the 'wow' factor or the 'what do I have to lose' approach.

[Ba****]

Well in my case 1. and 2. are conflicting, 6. can be ableist with „seem“ sadly being the most important word while the fully capitalized „listen“ should be, and 9. is an insult in proper oxford english ang worse the simpler the english gets

Apart from that it’s generally decent advice but the correct answer to his „polite“ question would have been;
„no, if you need to trick people it’s in everybodies best interest that you don’t find anyone“

[Be****]

Don't be like nokia. They said they did everything right and did not understand why they lost their dominance in phone market.

There is no "right" way every single person is different so one recipe does not apply to all .

Especially that list does not apply to all at all.

My suggestion is do not search for water in a desert. Go where the river is. And remember we have global warming so water sources are getting scarce.

[Ki****]

Very well said. I am new here and will absolutely keep what you stated in mind. Thanks for sharing.

[Be****]

And keep in mind that men outnumber women 8:1 in this arena, just like in any other dating app, and we are innudated with messages every single day 🤷‍♀️

[Be****]

And yes, most women want to get to know the man behind the c**k before it's just thrust in our face. D**k pics and striking vids have their time and place. As an introduction is not it. 🤷‍♀️