Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 There has, sadly, always been a nefarious element with BDSM, fetish and kink..predators using a smokescreen to hide behind to enable themselves and often their fellow nasties to perpetrate assaults, both physical and sexual, or scammers and liars after whatever they can get, be that cheap thrills, blackmail attempts, access to bank accounts via tributes or gifts, or an enjoyment of 'getting one over' someone. The same can be said of vanilla interactions too incidentally, though I suspect the physical risks to those are less likely to present as immediately as they would to for example a s type female meeting a Dom to be tied and therefore completely *** once in that position. Since lockdowns have ended for many of us I've noticed a worrying trend in an increase in posts, here and on FL, highlighting the experiences of those who have unfortunately fallen victim to these people..from gaslighting to extreme consent ***s well above and beyond a slight error in communication or a crossed wire. I'm seeing that the community in most regards, as its always done, takes reports of these incidents seriously, the majority action them, though obviously they have no real authority beyond their venues or events, but they have been and I'm sure will continue to impose local bans for their events for example and offering support to their patrons, and sharing lists between themselves. There are of course a minority of naysayers, the "I've known X for years that's not the person I know" or the "they should have done more reasearch and it wouldn't have happened" the "they're making a mountain out of a molehill" and of course the "I've seen no proof, so I didn't happeners". I am genuinely concerned that the number of these type of experiences, and posts is only going to rise now, as I said at the start, lockdowns end or ease..I worry for all those who are new to BDSM, who have been chatting, potentially being groomed whilst isolated in lockdown, who simply don't know there are resources they can access, a community they can talk to, particularly those who identify as an s type..the relative safety of the Internet removed as they make moves to meet the D's they've been chatting with, have fallen under the spell of, and think they know. Newcomers Should do some research, but often it just doesn't occur to them not to take someone at face value, it's shiny and new and exciting..until it isn't and morphs into something seedy and unpleasant, dangerous and scary. We can't protect E/everyone, but we can use whatever voice or presence we do have to make whatever differences we can, however small, if we see red flags we should highlight them, not sweep them under the carpet and pretend it's not O/our problem..we can help protect the community much more securely by admitting there's a problem and at least trying to rectify it, rather than living up to the stereotype of a seedy, creepy, perverted underground movement covering it up and victim shaming..the newcomers will either walk away disappointed or disillusioned at best, at worst they'll be on social media platforms or news stories feeding the stereotype, battered and bruised, or worse in a body bag. Some things newcomers should watch out for online and real time..bear in mind these people use BDSM protocols as a tool, some of what I'm about to list can and do have a place within BDSM relationships, but within a dynamic that has honest open communication and has been pre negotiated not just imposed or dependent on fluctuating moods. Isolating behaviours (such as telling you friends or family don't have your interests at heart), demanding attention at times they know your busy making you choose them over family, work etc, constant checking up on where you are, who you're with or what you're doing, slagging off ex partners, backhanded compliments (you look okay but if you wanted to look good for me you'd wear this), insisting on full face nudes, 'jokes' about your 'failings' in front of others, let's you down frequently without warning offering no reason/excuse, ghosting then reappearing months later as if nothing had happened, rudeness to you or others ( a waiter/taxi driver for example), moving faster than you're comfortable with, ignoring boundaries as they don't apply to them in their head, sulking when you do stand up for something and giving you the cold shoulder til you relent, apologise and do what they wanted, or cutting you off entirely, that's to release you if you don't conform, criticising your job, home, parenting style, fashion choices, diet, and so on, not allowing you a voice. I'm sure there many I've not included, please add any I missed..I want this seen by newcomers..this is me playing my part at trying to keep O/our community members safe, be they on the fringe or deep inside. I realise this is a long post, I make no apology for that.. this matters to me, it should matter to you too.
Deleted Member Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 I have noticed in the past year or so how many scamers try and benefit from people who are genuinely looking for what they want, I have spoken to many women on here privately who claim to be genuinely not asking for financial gain but yet when you speak to them privately that's all they do is want tributes or gift cards or *** which I would never do and I have reported them to the site administrator and I am making it my mission to get rid of all these people this site us the best site I have ever been on and I know these people are not acceptable in this community so I will continue to search them out and report them,
Deleted Member Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Thank you from a newbie to Fet and the online aspect of kink
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 Just now, Whosethatgirl said: Thank you from a newbie to Fet and the online aspect of kink Thank you for being open to advice and looking after yourself a little in the process 😊
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 2 minutes ago, Georgica2 said: I have noticed in the past year or so how many scamers try and benefit from people who are genuinely looking for what they want, I have spoken to many women on here privately who claim to be genuinely not asking for financial gain but yet when you speak to them privately that's all they do is want tributes or gift cards or *** which I would never do and I have reported them to the site administrator and I am making it my mission to get rid of all these people this site us the best site I have ever been on and I know these people are not acceptable in this community so I will continue to search them out and report them, We can A/all play a part, however small the difference we make its progress.
Deleted Member Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Definitely and we all should do our part
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 Hey you..long time no see 🤗 Thank you..I know there's been similar posts about safety in the past but they slip down the forums and don't get noticed..the time feels right to rectify that.
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 1 hour ago, CopperKnob said: We should have more of these posts Sadly, I agree. While I don't want to put A/anyone off exploring and/or experiencing, I want them to do it safely, in a informed way.
sw**** Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Excellent post, as always! I think topics like this should be at the top of the forum list all the time and be something the greeters on the site encourage newbies to read. Having posts like this only highlights the dangerous people out there and empowers people to be able to recognise the signs and red flags.
MiaSubGay237 Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 Thank you for the heads up. As a newbie myself, I'm also concerned about who I'm going to find on the internet as well.
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 28 minutes ago, sweet***sub said: Excellent post, as always! I think topics like this should be at the top of the forum list all the time and be something the greeters on the site encourage newbies to read. Having posts like this only highlights the dangerous people out there and empowers people to be able to recognise the signs and red flags. Thank you @sweet***sub It can be frustrating when a newcomer asks me for advice and I can't find posts I know are there to direct them too, often it's not just the posts that matter, the feedback and comments can help enormously too..give a wide range of opinions and ideas..I can imagine how much worse it must be for someone who doesn't actually know what it is to look for..the name for things or get the "do some research" response but no clues or help on where to go other than a search engine.
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 23 minutes ago, MiaSubGay237 said: Thank you for the heads up. As a newbie myself, I'm also concerned about who I'm going to find on the internet as well. You're very welcome, glad to hear it's of help. 😊
sw**** Posted August 23, 2021 Posted August 23, 2021 9 minutes ago, MzJax said: Thank you @sweet***sub It can be frustrating when a newcomer asks me for advice and I can't find posts I know are there to direct them too, often it's not just the posts that matter, the feedback and comments can help enormously too..give a wide range of opinions and ideas..I can imagine how much worse it must be for someone who doesn't actually know what it is to look for..the name for things or get the "do some research" response but no clues or help on where to go other than a search engine. I know Im guilty of only scrolling through the first page of each forum section to see what topics are there and can’t imagine what it’s like for newbies if they don’t know what they’re looking for in the first place.
Mz**** Posted August 23, 2021 Author Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, sweet***sub said: I know Im guilty of only scrolling through the first page of each forum section to see what topics are there and can’t imagine what it’s like for newbies if they don’t know what they’re looking for in the first place. I think most of us do that, that have been here a little while, unless there's fresh comments on posts we follow and even then we're lead by a notification. Edited August 23, 2021 by MzJax Typo
ey**** Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 It's a good and important post and one that, well, one that needs to be made every now and then and yeah, like... I often will say to folk, read some existing posts before making a new one - but even if people follow that, there's only so far back to realistically scroll
TheBookCollector Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I think the one thing you missed in the OP is gaslighting, by making the other person doubt the reality of what was said or discussed. The other one is people who lie on thier profile about location (i dont mean by a few miles) eg saying they are in london but when you chat tgey tell you they are in Ghana. Then there are people that use phrases like "im the dominant, you must do xxxxxx, because i said so", or after one message demand to be called Lord/Master/Sir/Daddy/uberdomlypants, (im not sure of the requirements for Dommes pro or otherwise).
Deleted Member Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I wish that Stickies or something similar existed. Because this kind of post is needed for newbies. But they won't necessarily find it sadly. You know I share the same concerns MzJax 😔
Mz**** Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 15 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said: I think the one thing you missed in the OP is gaslighting, by making the other person doubt the reality of what was said or discussed. The other one is people who lie on thier profile about location (i dont mean by a few miles) eg saying they are in london but when you chat tgey tell you they are in Ghana. Then there are people that use phrases like "im the dominant, you must do xxxxxx, because i said so", or after one message demand to be called Lord/Master/Sir/Daddy/uberdomlypants, (im not sure of the requirements for Dommes pro or otherwise). You're right of course, I wrote this rather quickly after reading this post which had been covering gaslighting. Knowing whose safe and whose not https://www.fetish.com/topic/24733-knowing-whose-safe-and-whose-not/
TheBookCollector Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 12 minutes ago, MzJax said: You're right of course, I wrote this rather quickly after reading this post which had been covering gaslighting. Knowing whose safe and whose not https://www.fetish.com/topic/24733-knowing-whose-safe-and-whose-not/ Im thinking of doing a topic on how to vet people, in order to try and minimise risks to new and experienced members of the community.
Mz**** Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 27 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said: Im thinking of doing a topic on how to vet people, in order to try and minimise risks to new and experienced members of the community. Do it! I'm sure it would be well received and extremely useful.
Mz**** Posted August 24, 2021 Author Posted August 24, 2021 Another 15 🚩 A profile full of cartoon images or generic lifted off the Internet pictures Playing you off other 'potentials' or preventing you talking to peers Asking for all your personal info but not sharing any of their own Insisting all communication goes through them. Asking for your passwords for social media, messengers etc Saying you need to be broken so they can mould you Constantly challenging your hard limits Telling you limits are their to be broken Using the words "a real sub would do ..." Never admitting their wrong about anything or ever apologising Never offering aftercare Never thanks you or praises you Ignores safewords Threatens to harm themselves or others if you do not comply Blames others when things go wrong ..Never takes any personal responsibility
sp**** Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 I also think people need to be aware of ***. What is *** and the different types of ***. Learning to self love, and the ability to say no is very important too. For me I'm always very warey of those who want to Dom 24/7. It may fit well and be what you are looking for, but when I have enquired further some if the demands are abusive. I am new to BDSM and learning through chat, research, books etc..., but I am not new to *** and red flags. There is a difference, please know it.
CopperKnob Posted August 24, 2021 Posted August 24, 2021 1 hour ago, Curvykate said: I wish that Stickies or something similar existed. Because this kind of post is needed for newbies. But they won't necessarily find it sadly. You know I share the same concerns MzJax 😔 They can pin posts to the top of each individual forum? How do we make suggestions for change here?
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