What helps most when you're new?

[Deleted Member]

I'm not sure I've seen anyone ask. I was new a few years back so I know what helped me but I thought it might be useful to more experienced members of the forum so hear from newbies!
Reading posts & the comments?
Asking questions in chat?
Approaching someone via message for 1:1 help? Finding a mentor? I'd love to hear what works for you 🤗

[Deleted Member]

Can you help me find what are the things that I like? This Is a great post thank you

[Deleted Member]

30 minutes ago, Grind696 said:

Can you help me find what are the things that I like? This Is a great post thank you

Is that what help you're looking for? I would suggest posting in the forum and ask for advice. That way you will get everyone's input. Say what you've tried already and if you think you're Dom/sub/switch - more info helps!

[Deleted Member]

Mainly Sexual hel

[Deleted Member]

Mainly Sexual help

[ge****]

5 minutes ago, Grind696 said:

Mainly Sexual help

Not sure that is what Dfl was getting at with her OP - and "sexual help" covers a wide range of possibilities too - perhaps if you were more specific or started a thread of your own detailing the help you are looking for?

[TheBookCollector]

Honestly forums and finding my local kink community.

[ge****]

Interesting thread Dfl and whilst I'm new here I'm not new to the lifestyle, but when the light bulb went on and I could start to put together feelings I had had for many years into something cohesive and recognisable as my submissive side I was lucky enough to have someone fairly knowledgeable I could talk to in the first instance - that then led to me inhabiting various on-line chat rooms and forums and expanding my knowledge that way - I also sought out various reading material both on-line and physical that helped expand that knowledge further still.

I think it's important for newbies to the lifestyle to be able to keep an open mind of their own, whilst taking in knowledge from as many different people as they can - the problem with asking an individual person is you can end up with a very skewed perspective and in some instances place yourself at risk if you follow their mantra.

Forums and chat rooms are a great way of learning as you can get a mix of various opinions and advice and formulate your own ideas about what the lifestyle means to you rather than being lead by one way, that may not always be a good way.

[PurpleUno]

I've been here a month and will probably class myself as new for many more yet. 

The forums have been great. Mostly. The benefit of the forum is that you can search back to previous posts, and after a while, you can read replies that confirm the content is good or not in a new thread. But if you catch a new thread go up, it could be quite easy for a non-experienced person to grab at whatever is said with both hands and not think to question it or wait for other input. This isn't too much of a problem for me, I have some experience, and a lot of life experience but I can see how easily it could be a problem. So aye, anyways, forums have been mostly great for me. 

The lobby/chat rooms/munches have been brilliant. Meeting some "friendly faces" and having real conversations with people who treated me like a normal human being meant the world to me. There are people on here who have asked my favourite colour, when my birthday is, and if I like a tea or coffee in the afternoon as a pick-me-up, without ever asking about my kinks. We've made friendships based on who we are as people. 

What has helped the most, and I realise is probably completely out of the ordinary, has been crossing paths with someone that I had an instant connection with. They have put me in contact with other much respected and well known people within the community when they couldn't help/felt someone was more knowledgeable or generally a good contact, sent me links to forum posts and websites, and spent hours having thorough discussions with me. By getting to know me, they managed to identify gaps in my knowledge and experience and guide me to where I might learn. I've learnt more in the last two weeks about myself and kink than I think I would in two years had I been left to my own devices. The thing here is, I'm not the type of person to reach out to anyone. I wouldn't have sent a message to this person, or anyone else, because I hate feeling like a burden. I'd have slowly got "there" on my own, but it would have been a much longer process and maybe not as thorough. I wonder how many newbies miss out on creating wonderful connections, and learning a lot from the community, because they are full of anxiety like me and/or when they get brave, reach out to the wrong person?

I think truly what helps the most is having the confidence and mindset to jump into the community with both feet and embrace the knowledge and opportunities that can be found here. You can lead a horse to water.. or something. 


 

[Ae****]

For me, as a guess - a foundation of being innately kind/understanding, having self-respect, and having a very solid background in psych. That enabled me to have the clarity and confidence to see through the declarations/beliefs/views of some people who are very certain of their opinions, kinky and otherwise. So I couldn't be steam-rolled, didn't self-doubt and wasn't prone to gas-lighting. It can be really rough 😭
With that foundation - then it was just personal research, from good sources, ones that were in line with values of understanding, mutual-happiness, respect blah blah 😅 The result was a 'real' dom (apparently, cuz they're not my words 😁), before I myself even knew I was :)

[Deleted Member]

Being kind in messages is a start. When I first joined, I went for the dirty approach. I didn’t get too far. Being sincere is good. Going in on the chats is very helpful, as there are many different viewpoints.

[Leisa]

I think that if there was more of a network for newer members of the community to reach out to it would be helpful. I’m always willing to lend a hand up to others coming up the hill and guiding them to the right resources and individuals who can assist when I can’t. As always I’m always available if someone needs anything.

[PurpleUno]

2 hours ago, Leisa said:

I think that if there was more of a network for newer members of the community to reach out to it would be helpful. I’m always willing to lend a hand up to others coming up the hill and guiding them to the right resources and individuals who can assist when I can’t. As always I’m always available if someone needs anything.

Absolutely. 

I read the mentor thread and was tempted to post there but couldn't really get my words right. A single mentor is too problematic and not a good idea (imo) but having a forum post or even a page on the site/app that listed community approved members who were happy to be approached by newbs, would be pretty cool. Obviously this could turn into a seriously draining and time consuming thing for those people, so those people need to make their boundaries clear.

Maybe "ads" on the forum or on profiles stating what the member can offer and in what quantity, eg: "Experienced Sub happy to chat to noobies who might appreciate some first-hand stories and advice. Particularly experienced in X play and Y play. Busy professional so only available for a couple of hours each week but send a message over and I'll get back to you when I can" - simple, sets a general idea of availability and would have been effective for someone like me. I would hope that anyone offering up guidance on something would have at very least, a couple of website links and forum posts to direct someone to, and a few personal stories they don't mind sharing - "I did this and it went wrong, this is what it taught me and I hope it helps you too" type stuff. I see a lot of people offering up advice that then turns into a dismissive "Have you tried googling it?" *rollseyes*. 

[Goober-9862]

First time reading this post.  Yes, googling does not help typically.  I'm super new, I want the excitement of something new, at least that is why I'm here. 

Posts in forums can get lost, and I see know easy way to search, tried the app and the site. 

I posted the following on the main thread wall.

 

I'm curious, it's almost like i have writers block, call it kink block or fetish block.
How did other people evolve their fetishes or kinks, what's the one or two, maybe more things that really got you to identifying what you like, don't like, etc?

[Goober-9862]

But, those posts get lost too

[Deleted Member]

I'm sorry I had to leave the site for a few days after I had posted this! I will catch up this evening and reply. Any other newbies who'd like to comment?

[Deleted Member]

October 25, gemini_man said:

Interesting thread Dfl and whilst I'm new here I'm not new to the lifestyle, but when the light bulb went on and I could start to put together feelings I had had for many years into something cohesive and recognisable as my submissive side I was lucky enough to have someone fairly knowledgeable I could talk to in the first instance - that then led to me inhabiting various on-line chat rooms and forums and expanding my knowledge that way - I also sought out various reading material both on-line and physical that helped expand that knowledge further still.

I think it's important for newbies to the lifestyle to be able to keep an open mind of their own, whilst taking in knowledge from as many different people as they can - the problem with asking an individual person is you can end up with a very skewed perspective and in some instances place yourself at risk if you follow their mantra.

Forums and chat rooms are a great way of learning as you can get a mix of various opinions and advice and formulate your own ideas about what the lifestyle means to you rather than being lead by one way, that may not always be a good way.

It does depend entirely on the person who you get advice from doesn't it? I had someone want to "mentor" me and I was noob enough not to realise that mentors should not also be trying to get kinky with their mentees. The more perspectives the better - even if you disagree with what someone says - you're forming an idea of what you want and don't want

[Deleted Member]

October 25, PurpleUno said:

I've been here a month and will probably class myself as new for many more yet. 

The forums have been great. Mostly. The benefit of the forum is that you can search back to previous posts, and after a while, you can read replies that confirm the content is good or not in a new thread. But if you catch a new thread go up, it could be quite easy for a non-experienced person to grab at whatever is said with both hands and not think to question it or wait for other input. This isn't too much of a problem for me, I have some experience, and a lot of life experience but I can see how easily it could be a problem. So aye, anyways, forums have been mostly great for me. 

The lobby/chat rooms/munches have been brilliant. Meeting some "friendly faces" and having real conversations with people who treated me like a normal human being meant the world to me. There are people on here who have asked my favourite colour, when my birthday is, and if I like a tea or coffee in the afternoon as a pick-me-up, without ever asking about my kinks. We've made friendships based on who we are as people. 

What has helped the most, and I realise is probably completely out of the ordinary, has been crossing paths with someone that I had an instant connection with. They have put me in contact with other much respected and well known people within the community when they couldn't help/felt someone was more knowledgeable or generally a good contact, sent me links to forum posts and websites, and spent hours having thorough discussions with me. By getting to know me, they managed to identify gaps in my knowledge and experience and guide me to where I might learn. I've learnt more in the last two weeks about myself and kink than I think I would in two years had I been left to my own devices. The thing here is, I'm not the type of person to reach out to anyone. I wouldn't have sent a message to this person, or anyone else, because I hate feeling like a burden. I'd have slowly got "there" on my own, but it would have been a much longer process and maybe not as thorough. I wonder how many newbies miss out on creating wonderful connections, and learning a lot from the community, because they are full of anxiety like me and/or when they get brave, reach out to the wrong person?

I think truly what helps the most is having the confidence and mindset to jump into the community with both feet and embrace the knowledge and opportunities that can be found here. You can lead a horse to water.. or something. 


 

Oh how very true! You get so much back if you're just willing to get involved, listen, chat. I know that the chat moves SO fast and that can put people off. I sat in twice before I said anything! A little bit of reaching out to others makes a world of difference as you've clearly found. Yay! 🥳

[Deleted Member]

October 25, Aeonova said:

For me, as a guess - a foundation of being innately kind/understanding, having self-respect, and having a very solid background in psych. That enabled me to have the clarity and confidence to see through the declarations/beliefs/views of some people who are very certain of their opinions, kinky and otherwise. So I couldn't be steam-rolled, didn't self-doubt and wasn't prone to gas-lighting. It can be really rough 😭
With that foundation - then it was just personal research, from good sources, ones that were in line with values of understanding, mutual-happiness, respect blah blah 😅 The result was a 'real' dom (apparently, cuz they're not my words 😁), before I myself even knew I was :)

My impression from a few years in the "scene" is that subs tend to get steamrollered and gaslighted a lot more. Because they are often told at the beginning that they are supposed to be/so/say sub things which often mean not asserting themselves. It's quite interesting to compare your experience as a "real Dom" 😁 with mine and the many (mainly) female subs I've seen struggle on the site. It can take a long time to gain enough confidence to call out the bs. (I think I am there now, I'm sure you will agree 😬). Having a few people here or elsewhere whom you can ask to sense-check things - hugely helpful. Glad you've had a fairly positive intro, Aeonova.

[Deleted Member]

October 26, PurpleUno said:

Absolutely. 

I read the mentor thread and was tempted to post there but couldn't really get my words right. A single mentor is too problematic and not a good idea (imo) but having a forum post or even a page on the site/app that listed community approved members who were happy to be approached by newbs, would be pretty cool. Obviously this could turn into a seriously draining and time consuming thing for those people, so those people need to make their boundaries clear.

Maybe "ads" on the forum or on profiles stating what the member can offer and in what quantity, eg: "Experienced Sub happy to chat to noobies who might appreciate some first-hand stories and advice. Particularly experienced in X play and Y play. Busy professional so only available for a couple of hours each week but send a message over and I'll get back to you when I can" - simple, sets a general idea of availability and would have been effective for someone like me. I would hope that anyone offering up guidance on something would have at very least, a couple of website links and forum posts to direct someone to, and a few personal stories they don't mind sharing - "I did this and it went wrong, this is what it taught me and I hope it helps you too" type stuff. I see a lot of people offering up advice that then turns into a dismissive "Have you tried googling it?" *rollseyes*. 

It is tricky how to manage mentoring. I've helped people on both sides but in a very informal way. If I was new would I believe my own ad to mentor? Hmm. I've reached out in threads to people. I've had a few people "sent" to me which always makes me giggle as though I am some oracle. I think the forum/chat again is somewhere you can identify someone who might help 1:1. Over time. And I'd be happy to add a sentence indicating I'm happy to mentor to my profile. Perhaps others will?

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 06:42 PM, Goober-9862 said:

First time reading this post.  Yes, googling does not help typically.  I'm super new, I want the excitement of something new, at least that is why I'm here. 

Posts in forums can get lost, and I see know easy way to search, tried the app and the site. 

I posted the following on the main thread wall.

 

I'm curious, it's almost like i have writers block, call it kink block or fetish block.
How did other people evolve their fetishes or kinks, what's the one or two, maybe more things that really got you to identifying what you like, don't like, etc?

Yes, afraid the site gets busy and threads get lost. Or the question isn't straightforward to answer. All sorts of reasons - I think it pays to be persistent and believe that there are a fair number of people here who like to help.
For me - my kinks just all developed organically from the people I played with. I might enjoy something but it only works with a few people. Or it might mean we explore it together. It doesn't start with kink. It always starts with connection. That's the key for me. Everything builds from the dynamic you have with another person.

[Goober-9862]

33 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said:

Yes, afraid the site gets busy and threads get lost. Or the question isn't straightforward to answer. All sorts of reasons - I think it pays to be persistent and believe that there are a fair number of people here who like to help.
For me - my kinks just all developed organically from the people I played with. I might enjoy something but it only works with a few people. Or it might mean we explore it together. It doesn't start with kink. It always starts with connection. That's the key for me. Everything builds from the dynamic you have with another person.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.  I think being "new" and the excitement of opening yourself up to new things can sometimes override momentarily the need for the connection.  I tend to go full throttle trying to find all the things, burning myself out quickly.   Hearing responses like yours helps settle the mind and be ok, with going just a bit slower. 

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, Goober-9862 said:

Thanks for taking the time to respond.  I think being "new" and the excitement of opening yourself up to new things can sometimes override momentarily the need for the connection.  I tend to go full throttle trying to find all the things, burning myself out quickly.   Hearing responses like yours helps settle the mind and be ok, with going just a bit slower. 

It's way easier to take in all the new things and figure out what is for you (and what isn't!) if you slow down a bit. I get excited and eager and have to *** myself not to rush. (3 years down the line!)

[Tara-6914]

I'm very new to this. And I'm not the one to ask people for help as I don't want to be a burden or feel that I'm being judged for lack of my knowledge 😂 I've found reading forum a great help but would love some more information if anyone is willing to help.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Tara-6914 said:

I'm very new to this. And I'm not the one to ask people for help as I don't want to be a burden or feel that I'm being judged for lack of my knowledge 😂 I've found reading forum a great help but would love some more information if anyone is willing to help.

Hi, try to navigate the entire app. You can learn a lot of things. Join one of the chats, from time to time. It’s a great way to see the types of people here. Become familiar with the different aspects of the lifestyle. Start conversations with those who match what you’re looking for. Have fun!