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I'll take a bit of vanilla with my kink if you don't mind

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When I first discovered my kinky side, I wanted it to take over my life entirely. From the unwrapping of the D/s 'package' to the exposure of new kinks; from the renaming of identities to the obsession of new lingerie and toys. I was like a kid who’d just been given the perfect present on Christmas morning, my eyes all lit up like the tree.

I wanted to banish vanilla from my life altogether. Now that I knew what relationships could be like, I never wanted anything else again.

Maybe it was simply sub frenzy but I’m different now.

I've given vanilla sex more of a foothold than I initially thought I would. Here's why:

Vanilla sex says, “You’re not just my sub. You’re my partner. I don’t need the entirety of my sexuality to be expressed in dark and violent ways. There is a gentleness in me” It says, “I don’t need to control you. I only want to. I’m confident enough in my dominance to choose to let it go sometimes.”

Vanilla sex adds equality and grounds a relationship. Those who choose kink alone are not necessarily pathological, but a Dominant who can take value from vanilla sex reassures me that his sexual interests are exactly that: interests. I'd be suspicious of a man who could only relate to me from a position of absolute power.

In many ways, the Dominant label is risky. It's one in which megalomaniacs, dictators and predators are perfectly hidden in sheeps clothing. It's not always so easy to tell the difference. Some of us may spend years in relationships with people who are despots disguised as kinksters. A desire for vanilla sex does a fair job of rooting out some of the egos masquerading as Doms. Maybe it’s not a perfect tool, but it's a tool never the less.

I never want to be so caught up in kink again that it sinks into every pore of my life. I want to be a person first, a sexual being second, a submissive third. Vanilla sex says, “I’m strong enough to stand in my own power. I submit from a place of freedom. Submission is my choice.”

All I can say is Wow.

Thank you for writing that.

Thank you. You’re right in that a D/s relationship, in order to be strong, has to be about more then the kink. I think there are times when we forget that the stronger the underlying relationship the greater the connection between the individuals involved. I always say that I hate vanilla but I think I lie to myself when I proclaim such. Instead I want it all. I want the times when the gentleness and caring of vanilla helps to build a stronger foundation which builds the trust that’s at the core of the dynamic. Even vanilla sex doesn’t have to be boring if it involves the right people and it’s just the right amount.

This actually makes me feel even more comfortable with exploring.  Helps knowing that combining the two is fine, it isn't one or the other necessarily. 

Thank you very much for putting this out there!

Thing is for me, I don't see so much as "vanilla" and "kink" or even "vanilla" vs "kink" more the "whole" that incorporates both - the ying to the yang if you like - they don't exist separately but together, and both have their place side by side in my sexual being, and compliment each other as a result - vanilla brings one form of intimacy whereas kink brings another.

I've had sexual encounters that are purely vanilla, and those that are purely kink, but the most memorable ones have mixed the two somehow.

Also where do you draw the line between what is vanilla and what is kink anyway? It's a purely personal and subjective thing - for some kinky is doing it with the lights on after all.

Could I exist sexually without one or the other in some shape or form? Probably not, and probably less so without my idea of "kink" - ultimately it's about finding what works for you and those you are sexual with, and finding the balance between the two, but they don't have to be mutually exclusive either.
This is exactly why my profile has evolved into what it is now, and will remain that way. I became tired of the stereotypes, the unrealistic expectations, and the necessity to conform to others perceptions. Growth and change is an important part of who we are, and even a creaky old geezer like me has the ability. Welcome to the club, CK, you will find we are far from alone in this approach x
I've been in contact with a dom on here for 2 months and we have a good strong connection.
We are building a relationship that is both vanilla and kink, the two can be together if both partners want the same.
Very well written.
I too know my own mind, what I want and what I don’t. I still have vanilla attributes and I’m am perfectly happy with that. I don’t need to control anyone other than my own self 24/7.
I am naturally a control freak, again I know what I like and am capable of knowing how to pursue this in a D/s way.
I make no apologies for retaining part vanilla part kink, who said we had to choose anyway? Enjoy, stay safe, and have some fun. 🥂
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