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Where do I start?


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Hi - I'm new to it all, but I'm keen to learn. My partner has told me she is a sub and would like me to her be in dom. I am entirely happy with this and believe I have it in me. ;)


I'm watching stuff, reading stuff and I want to - for want of a better way - learn. I have the confidence, the creativity and I've got quite a decent ability in human nature. And I've talked to my partner about it a lot. As I'm new and it's a huge subject I'm aware of how little I know.

So what do I do next? Are there mentors? Get togethers? Training?

I feel like a dick saying this - expecting someone to tell me I have it massively wrong and this mere post will mean I'm approaching things incorrectly. I'm not anal (in the metaphorical sense) But I don't know where to start.


And any pointers?


Hi, I’m a new sub, so I can’t help you learn about Dom stuff, but I can say that just being willing to post here and ask for advice tells me you’re going about it the right way. Good luck!

The best advice is read and watch some of the guides here or via a Internet search.

Things like consent, triggers, safewords, limits, aftercare. Etc.

If she is not experienced I would suggest she does the same.

If she is experienced I would talk to her about her prior experiences, what works for her
Sounds like you're doing all the right things so far, and would suggest to keep on doing them, I'd also avoid most BDSM related porn, which can give a skewed view of what it's about, especially when you are inexperienced.

Beyond that the best advice I can give is talk to your partner, really understand between you what you *both* expect from this, both for yourselves and of each other. Search out some on-line BDSM questionnaires, ones which list various elements and activities associated to BDSM and have you rank them 1-5 (or similar) in terms of interest - complete them separately from each other and then compare notes to find common interests and things to try - it'll really help you both find your place and your dynamic.

Just as importantly though take things slowly - and at the pace of the least certain of the two of you - maybe just by introducing elements of kink into your usual sexual routine - light ties and blindfolds for instance, or light spankings during sex. Maybe look for kink related toys you can try together.

Good luck 👍
I couldn't agree more, speaking as someone who's now confidently very dominant, you have to be totally in tune with what her limits are and whsts that tiny step too far because going too far can kill the whole thing in an instant. BDSM porn is your biggest enemy and it's more a mentality than anything else, then start slow. Even if you want to try more advanced stuff give yourslef time to learn your and more importantly her boundaries and move the line a little bit every time. Don't be scared to try new things but watch her for any sign of her being truly frightened and if that does happen go back and slowely build your way back to where you were. Im assuming since she's the one who asked she has some idea of what she wants too so be sure to ask and really listen because the more you can be in tune with how she's feeling rather than what she's says or having to spell out the more fun it will be. It all boils down to trust so make sure to have a safe word and no matter what happens if it get used you stop instantly - no matter what. And most importantly relax, explore and enjoy the journey because it's gonna be a good one!

Before all the kink and good stuff.

It's important to understand who you are and what you are into. There are standard definitions of a Dominant, what you want to cultivate is your own identity. Part of the process is to establish what your partner desires.

I would reiterate earlier comments, don’t use porn as a means of identifying bdsm.

Rather than focus on being a “Dom”, I would suggest focusing on what feels right for you and your partner(s). In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way (aside from safety), there is the way for you and your partner(s).

Be sure to communicate with each other, before, during and after. Before make sure you are both aware of boundaries, during check in on each other, after (after aftercare if needed) you can discuss what you each liked and did not.

BE SAFE: when you are considering exploring something that can cause harm to someone, be sure to research it. For example if you both are interested in breath play, research it; it is easy to damage the throat, but there are safe ways to pursue this. Or if you are interested in rope play, be sure to under ear and the hazards (it does not take much to cause nerve damage from tying wrists together, I learned this the hard way).

Try local munches and talk to other Dom's. There are virtual and real life munches, more so for rope for beginners. Ask around for lots of different opinions from other seasoned Dom's. Everyone was new at one time. You know your sub better than anyone else, so listen to her.

The fact you've posted here to aks for advice and opinions into research and safety is very much going in the right direction and wonderful to see! Sounds like you're already aware of the learning ahead of you and to practise safely!

Forums on here you can browse, some discussions have led on to some great points of view and people often share experiences good and bad. Some things you learn to do or not to do and what to do if something goes wrong!

Munches (vanilla gatherings of kinky people in a social situation) in Real Life or online are also great to do. Some rope and kink workshops, pubs and clubs or dungeons or shows and the like if that stuff is available in your area, or if you travel for a date or experience! 

Talk to people who are into or experienced in the same things you and her wish to try and don't be afraid to ask questions or have clarification. We all start soemwhere :)


I agree with all of the above, so maybe i can share some emotional insights.

First of all, good for you for admitting you are new and need help, Boom! You're instantly on the track to be a better human being.

Id say the best thing you can do is ask your partner "why?"

Why does she want this?

Why should you want to do this?

Why does she think you are capable of this?

If you ask these questions you might find a purpose, a little insight and assurance that you are not just experimenting.

Its great that you have this to share together, but you are both on a different journey, the destination might be the same but the route is different, be careful that you are not just repeating back what you was told.

Think about the difference between Dominant and domineering, what you are okay with and what you are not comfortable with..

Take it from me that the easiest way to drain yourself of confidence is to try something before you are ready.

Reading and watching videos is good for ideas, but concentrate on why you are doing this, why are you saying these words, why are you acting this way.

And finally between us Dominant types, in a D/s relationship the sub holds all the power.. they decide what they want, what they are willing to give, the destination and the result, we are actually the person giving a service.


Imagine you are a hair dresser and the sub is the client, they come to you because you have a skill they dont possess, they know what they want, they describe it to you and you help them reach that outcome.. you have all the ability, but they are the one in charge... but dont tell them that! 😉


And just like a Hairdresser, you shouldnt ever demand you cut their hair, dont tell them what you want to do to them or ignore their requests..

And equally you should avoid anyone who says "just do what you want to me" because thats dangerous if they decide they dont like it afterwards.

Ive been PhantomFlogger, and thank you for coming to my ted talk

So… I am new and like GlassPhone I am debating where to start. I already bought some of the basic accessories and been studying bedroom scenes, but I am at lost about what things to say. I see myself as a sub but I also want to be a fem dom and this is what I find most challenging.
1 hour ago, Brat83 said:
This is great advice, I too dont know where to start!

Look for local munches and events (you can find local munches and events through FetLife).Read and research (FetLife is a good source, google things but keep in mind you need to weed through stuff (like looking for a recipes on Google, read a bunch and find the commonalities). Join chat rooms and talk to people in the scene (in this app, also some in KIK. Note: if chatting, be wary of people trying to be your “Dom” as there are plenty of ***rs and fakes).

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