Healthy respect of danger or just plain ***?

[Deleted Member]

A young woman was ***ed in Ireland a couple of days ago and it's made the news alot here this week. I have always been aware of the danger involved with meeting someone new that all women feel. It's just the way the world is. Domestic *** in Ireland has also spiked during covid. I have personal experience with this as I'm sure many individuals do in todays world.

However lately I have noticed that I am more and more concerned about my personal safety if I were to meet someone in a kink setting that I did not know. I'm not sure if kink is more or less dangerous than vanilla dating.

I have had many men on here discuss the topic of my dominant side with me. Some in a person to person sense and some in a "you've not been properly broken in as a sub" sense.
My question is how safe do you feel when meeting someone new? Be you sub or Dom or anything in between. And how do I get past *** that previous experiences have left me with so I don't miss out on future ones?

Not even really sure there is an answer but I am always conscious that any play partner I might choose to meet who is male could overpower me probably easily. I sometimes wonder is it worth the risk either in kink or vanilla settings. Just looking for thoughts I guess to help me make sense of my own inner ***s.

[ju****]

Hello young lady, it is scary, especially for a female to meet someone for the first time. Vanilla or in the lifestyle, i won’t meet anyone without doing a lot of vetting, the longer you talk and get to know someone, the harder it is for them to hide their true selves. If you have red flags, pay attention to them.

Here in the States you can run a criminal background check on someone, not sure if you can over there. If you can, do it before meeting anyone. Always meet them in a public place too.

Every situation is different, just as all people are different. In the end it comes down to whether or not you feel comfortable with that person, if you are getting bad vibes, just talking. Why would you meet? A real man will give you all the time you need to find your comfort zone before meeting. He will make sure you feel safe before any play takes place.

Sorry for rambling, hope something in there helps you or someone.

[Deleted Member]

Fortunately or unfortunately the world we live in has always been dangerous, there’s more coverage now and it’s a whole lot easier to access information. Your *** or respect of dangerous situations is healthy, and completely normal. I have a military background and learned very quickly that if someone wants to do something they will. I have a 17 year old daughter and my safety tips to her include:
-be aware of your surroundings, know where you are at all times. Notice who’s noticing you.
- have an exit plan. Know what’s around you and how to “get out” if needed
- let someone know where you are, don’t let someone you’re meeting be the last person you talk to. A text/call whatever, I’m not trying to ruin her fun but ensure she’s safe. If plans change that’s ok, send an update
-meet in public places
- trust that little feeling in your gut, it’s everyone’s right to excuse themselves from a situation they don’t feel comfortable in
- take some self defense classes

Those are some of the basics

Now as far as missing out on a potential partner, that’s a much harder question. If you’re a sub you are creating a bond with someone that takes time, I would hope that you have been discussing boundaries, limits and safety. Trust isn’t something that’s given away, it’s earned, over time. If you see red flags address them, and if your potential person/s are not receiving your concerns, run!

At the end of the day we don’t know what will happen next, but we can try and mitigate as much risk as possible

Hopefully this helps 🤷‍♂️

[ge****]

A lot of good advice given already above - sadly in this day and age (although to be honest I'm not even sure it is a *now* thing) you can never be 100% certain of your safety but you *can* do a lot to safeguard it.

Personally I'm very aware of how *** someone I am meeting may feel meeting me for the first time - as a form of reassurance I always offer up a certain level of personal information (full name, car reg, phone number etc) so that they can make checks if they want to and even tell them I have no issue with that information being passed on to a trusted friend if necessary.

Yes, to an extent that may leave me *** in different ways, but I never get to the point where I share that level of information and indeed suggest meeting until I have a level of trust in that person myself.

With kink there is the added danger that you could be placing yourself in a position of further vulnerability of course with elements of restraint or impact play - so I guess making it clear you won't indulge in those until you are ready to do so is another thing to consider, or perhaps only doing so in an environment (e.g. a club) when others are around to provide an element of protection.

Ultimately though it comes down to trusting your gut, it's very rarely wrong.

[Deleted Member]

For me on a personal level whenever I agree to meet someone I always want them to feel comfortable and safe. So I leave the meeting place to be one of their choice and always prove my Identity and address. Sadly the world we live in from what I see really is becoming more dangerous than it's ever been......especially with the rise in misogyny and groups such as incel. There are no guarantees of safety for any of us.....and I'm a big bloke whose quite capable of self protection, but even then I'm always hyper aware of my surroundings and always primed for *** to protect myself or the lady whose agreed to meet me should the need arise.
Another thing is trust your gut......instinct......if something feels of it usually is. Hence why good vetting a patience are for me key.......but again there are no guarantees.......and as you say with the rise in spinking etc it does seem to be getting a lot worse......especially for lasses.

[sissymaidmarsha]

Some great advice for the above. There's not much more in the form of general advice I can add to it, as the guys, men, contributors, (trying to be as careful describing ye all, 😊) have provided extensive tips and tricks.

For me as a sub, who is prepared to meet either guys or girls, yes I have to take into consideration all the above as well. My overriding concern meeting a woman is Her comfort level, regardless of whether She is Domme or not. It is a sad fact of the dreadful way society deems and treats Women, and as a father of 2 amazing daughters i have their, and all women's safety to the forefront of my mind.

As a sub I give my details and those of my potential meet to a trusted friend, especially if its a Dom, (though when in Cuffs, a Domme is also as dangerous to me as well I suppose)

But ultimately, kink or not, it's down to gut feeling and whether You feel safe, taking into account all the safety measures you can do. Like everything else in life, if someone wants to really hurt you, they will,.. The best serial killers were the most empathic and great actors.

We don't need to be reckless, but we also need to have some realism. I pray for the day that Women will finally be treated with the care and respect they deserve and have not had, equal footing with men. Till then, continue to be safe, take cautious steps, and hopefully You will have safe fun when You do meet.

[MissTakenDeep]

I relate heavily to this and will read through the comments in a second to what advise has already been offered. I don’t personally think this dating is any more or less dangerous than vanilla. A predator can and will hide anywhere. However, when it comes to dating myself, I’d take precautions such as meeting in social settings a good few times before any play, maybe finding a club or somewhere public/safe to play might make you feel more secure about play? I’m sure there’s rules in most places that keep people safe on that level. It is a very scary world we live in 💙

[Deleted Member]

Sadly, as a female, you are far more likely to be the victim of a man than a man is to be the victim of a woman in this day and age. Its impossible to know which is more or less danger with regard to vanilla vs kink dates - that being said, having read this week some of the messages women on this site get, maybe it’s just as dangerous. I think the kink community is more inclined towards safety when meeting new people than vanilla is but I think it’s a really solid idea to make sure the person you are meeting knows that you have safety checks in place with reporting in - at least if they are looking for an “easy victim”. Tell them you want to take a picture of their number plate to send to a friend and that you have check ins scheduled. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do in this day and age.

[we****]

Aware I am donning my double sided target tee shirt, but I was interested to observe the gender distribution in the commenters 🤷‍♀️😳

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, Spanky27 said:

Now as far as missing out on a potential partner, that’s a much harder question. If you’re a sub you are creating a bond with someone that takes time, 
Hopefully this helps 🤷‍♂️

Thank you for all your tips. All great points but I didn't think about the self defence classes. That actually might be something that would help me feel more like I can defend myself. I am very much a Domme by nature but hopefully others see this who may be subs and could be putting themselves in restraints or other positions that they may feel makes them more vulnurable. Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

11 hours ago, sissymaidmarsha said:

...The best serial killers were the most empathic and great actors.

Lol. It's not just me having these thought then! Thanks 

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, gemini_man said:

A lot of good advice given already above - sadly in this day and age (although to be honest I'm not even sure it is a *now* thing) you can never be 100% certain of your safety but you *can* do a lot to safeguard it.

Personally I'm very aware of how *** someone I am meeting may feel meeting me for the first time - as a form of reassurance I always offer up a certain level of personal information (full name, car reg, phone number etc) so that they can make checks if they want to and even tell them I have no issue with that information being passed on to a trusted friend if necessary.

I really like the idea of sharing the personal information. I would have no problem sharing this with someone and would expect them to reciprocate. This is hands down the best piece of advice that I feel I haven’t included and can quickly incorporate into my "Safety Steps" when arranging a meet. Thank you!

[Deleted Member]

Thank you everyone for all the responses. Again I know there is no real answer but a few of the ideas have helped me feel I can take a little more control of the situation when looking to be safe.

Also an interesting topic for all people to consider at some stage I think. Be it for themselves or a partner feeling anxious.

[ge****]

9 minutes ago, InThePink said:

I really like the idea of sharing the personal information. I would have no problem sharing this with someone and would expect them to reciprocate. This is hands down the best piece of advice that I feel I haven’t included and can quickly incorporate into my "Safety Steps" when arranging a meet. Thank you!

Thing is people can get quite protective of giving out personal info - and I can kind of understand it on some levels (as it potentially could be used for the very purpose it's supposed to be protecting against), but I tend to take the view that if I'm about to put myself in both an intimate and *** situation with someone, surely being open and honest is key to that, including divulging personal info.

As I said I don't meet people until a level of trust and respect has been built either, so providing that info at that stage is not a problem for me, and being honest if someone was unwilling to provide at least some of those things it would be a red flag to an extent.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Thing is people can get quite protective of giving out personal info - and I can kind of understand it on some levels (as it potentially could be used for the very purpose it's supposed to be protecting against), but I tend to take the view that if I'm about to put myself in both an intimate and *** situation with someone, surely being open and honest is key to that, including divulging personal info.

As I said I don't meet people until a level of trust and respect has been built either, so providing that info at that stage is not a problem for me, and being honest if someone was unwilling to provide at least some of those things it would be a red flag to an extent.

Perhaps if I offer an exchange of the information in the spirit of trust then it would make both parties feel more confident. I think that in order to do that you must be open to the fact that someone could try to use personal information to coerce you either financially or worse. For myself personally I'd rather be outed than blackmailed, but to try to have a level of protection for me, I think, would be worth the risk of sharing details.

[ge****]

5 minutes ago, InThePink said:

Perhaps if I offer an exchange of the information in the spirit of trust then it would make both parties feel more confident. I think that in order to do that you must be open to the fact that someone could try to use personal information to coerce you either financially or worse. For myself personally I'd rather be outed than blackmailed, but to try to have a level of protection for me, I think, would be worth the risk of sharing details.

Precisely that and as I said if it's done after a level of trust has been built, the risk is mitigated to an extent anyway.

[Gh****]

hey morning there😊🌻. this is a good topic to discuss for sure.

in general no matter what meet up is for, as man I'm I worry abt my safety, in London the amount of knife crime has has increased, and also GBH due to 'date set-up'. is scary world out there for sure, I normally make sure I meet in public place get vibe of the girl you can sense the tail tail scam etc.. but for women is more diffcult for definitely I remember talking to someone abt ID verification where the woman can call 111 services to verify the man's details etc to check.

[ey****]

I don't *feel* kink dating is more or less risky than vanilla dating in general - buuut - two extra things to be wary of is that it possible to be consensually put into a position where something can then happen you don't consent to (i.e. you can agree to be tied up, strapped down, etc.) and also that, there are a lot of risks involved from mistakes - whether this risk is a little "shit happens" (the best of us can mishit, misjudge, or fuck up) OR due to a lack of understanding (i.e. some doesn't know you're not meant to strike the kidneys, or never thought about bringing safety scissors to do rope) these risks exist.

There is, sadly, no perfect set of tests or checks to ensure your safety.   

There are things I would recommend - for example learning about the activities you enjoy or want to try - this means if someone is trying rope you can ask about scissors or if someone does strike your kidneys you can tell them to stop - so on.   

Generally, a lot is going to be on gut instinct - and - a good potential partner is going to appreciate you would need time to build trust and not push you to do something.  

This still of course comes with no certainties (someone will chime in about how there ***rs who hide things well - but there are so many variables)