Struggling to Communicate

[Deleted Member]

I’m a service sub and a ppl pleaser. Sometimes I struggle vocalizing how I feel or about an idea he has that I don’t like bc I’m scared I’ll disappoint him. And i overthink a lot wondering if I did a good job.

[Jo****]

Try getting better details from him through some sort of pleasing method. Details serve as hints, it’s a subtle way to please. A Doms vision is created by the sub. Speak your mind for best results, communicate best you can for the role relationship to work.

[Tonori]

This sort of thing has tended to really thrown me & mine in the past. If there is agreed safe word/out of play-space protocols (and

[co****]

If he thinks that way of you then he's not right for you x

[Ce****]

It's perfectly safe to talk to your dom about this the way you wrote this message. If not, find a better suited one.
Working on that is perfect for you and your dom too bond together over something that matters.

[Fe****]

That level of insecurity - in the long run - wil ruin any type of relationship dynamic you have. You communicate exactly how you feel and if he doesn’t validate or aknowledge them in some way you get the hell out of that situation. You will only attract ppl who enjoy subversive manipulation - ppl who like to take advantage and eat alive ppl who aren’t able to stand up for themselves.

[ey****]

this is a common problem 

it is really important that this is something you work on - being able to feedback what you like and don't. what direction you go in - while also asking for your own feedback if you're unsure

otherwise you get this problem that your Dominant does something they think you like or are OK with which doesn't work for either of you.

[Pu****]

Setting time to negotiate with a sub that will find it hard to say no in the moment is an important practice. Negotiations will need to be relaxed and informal so that you can talk about things outside of the s mindset.

If your Dom can't create this for you, then you may need a more experienced one.

[typhoon2]

Turn it around. Will he be disappointed that you DON'T raise concerns? I'm forever encouraging my playmates to speak up. If they don't enjoy themselves then the scene is a failure for both of us. Equally they may come up with suggestions that make the scene even better. Win-Win.

[Tonori]

Ahem - sensitive phone.
Protocols are important. If they're not used, 1 can be unsure how to proceed/communicate ...and eventually trust. The other might think that this is things are really working!
If directness out of play or a timeout doesn't work perfectly for you I'd recommend some personalised metrics.
(I have some Synesthesia). Associating subtle feelings & thoughts with colours, tastes, smells & then assigning a number. Something like, 'dark chocolate3' or 'polished cedarwood7 but also lemon6 and maybe too much chilli'; has helped over the years.
This can be non confrontational, avoid criticism or complaint & let you both speak freely disturbing play or PP urges.
W/E works for you though. Having means to to feedback is vital.

[Jack123126]

100% Share this with your dom. you’re in a relationship, communication is key (and vocalising not wanting to disappoint him will probably turn him on too 😁)

[SophieSubSlut11]

I agree with sharing. But think about what you’re pushing back against before you do it. Is it worth pushing back?

[ko****]

Definitely talk to them!! Communication is extremely important

[Th****]

As has been stated very well above good communication is critical to a successful D/s relationship. I will grant you not always easy though.
In my dynamic we have plenty of time out of role where I make sure we chat about these issues as just two people rather than Dom and sub. As Tonori Ahem covered in detail these strategies can make things a lot less difficult to broach.

One of the other things I may tentatively suggest is that this is something that you both have to help each other with, you by letting your Dom know it is an issue and your Dom by coming up with one of the various techniques that will help you.

I very much doubt that being honest and truthful will actually disappoint your Dominant and I think it's effect should be quite the opposite.

[ma****]

Communication is always important

[Deleted Member]

Disappointment is part of life, he’ll get over it. You pleasing and serving isn’t something that is due, but earned. Tho your dom might how you serve, the choice to serve in the first place, to keep serving or stop serving is entirely your choice. If that is something your dom doesn’t agree with, I’d highly recommend cutting your losses and find someone else who would be more deserving of your submission.

[ey****]

I'm not sure I agree with some of the kinda "he's the wrong Dom for you" type comments - as we don't know that

subs struggling to communicate for fear of losing or upsetting their Dominant is all too common a problem; one that I think we can all try to work on rather than just suggesting packing in 

[Deleted Member]

I’m sorry you feel like this or don’t feel confident to communicate it. You might be surprised at how your Dom reacts to you communicating your feelings. I might be wrong, it sounds like you might lack some confidence in speaking up. If you speak up and then he doesn’t listen, maybe then you have some decisions to make regarding your relationship with him. As a people pleaser, I feel some of this but I’ve been lucky that I’ve been encouraged to give my view and not submit to anything I don’t like or feel comfortable with. With time it might come with more trust or it may not but you being unhappy in the long run, it won’t benefit either of you. Wishing you all the luck and my bet is, if he’s right for you, he cares enough to listen and negotiate.

[dr****]

I have a spreadsheet which I ask a sub to rate 200+ kinks for fear and willingness. Then we discuss hard and soft limits from there. I cannot start any discussion about hard limits. Soft limits I might discuss but ultimately conversation only continues on my subs say so. If you are worried that he'll be upset, then in my view he has failed. A sub should never feel they must do everything the dom wants. The Dom(me)s first responsibility is the health safety and well-being of the sub

[Char__]

First step for me would be communicating to him that you have a problem communicating lol For this first convo might help you write it down so you don't get lost in what you're saying. That will help him understand that he needs to take extra care when proposing new activities and that he needs to reassure you that he will not be disappointed if you don't want to do something. I'm guessing he'd be horrified if he thought you had pushed yourself to do something you were really uncomfortable with just to please him. Seems silly, but if you struggle to verbalize it you might ask him to use something like traffic lights or fist to five (you hold up the number of fingers depending on how comfortable you are, all five fingers means I'm happy, a closed fist means I don't want to do this) as a non verbal starting point.

[Deleted Member]

Find non sexual ways to practice communication. Talk about boundaries and expectations and set the time for dialogue. He should be open and excited to do so. It enriches the experience

[co****]

Sounds like your dom isn’t reassuring you when you do good.. we are all different abut I praise when done well … disappoint? Things that I think should be communicated… just me maybe..

[sp****]

Be confident

[Ma****]

There is a cost to not speaking up for yourself. Sometimes, most times, it’s low cost. Perhaps only your discomfort. Other times, there can be a high cost. Perhaps you’re worried about real world risk, you don’t say something, the risk expresses itself and real world consequences hit everyone involved.

It’s on all of us, to be personally responsible for speaking up when it is needed. The measure of when it’s needed, can be pretty complicated sometimes to figure out. It’s still on us real-time, no excuses.

As for the fear of disappointing, and compulsive report carding… I have thoughts but I’ll be polite and keep my replies to one. :-)

[lippy101]

You ever wonder that many of the things he does is to please you honesty is always best way forward