Vanilla needs relationship advice

[Bunny843]

I'm not entirely sure where to start here. I'm going to apologize in advance if I phrase something wrong as I am apparently extremely vanilla. My boyfriend of over 7 years recently got back into the BDSM lifestyle. He didn't tell me anything about it at all at first until he volunteered at a local kink/fetish convention. He decided he was no longer in love with me because I have absolutely no interest in the lifestyle. I told him when we reconciled that I would try to learn about it. He basically had me watch 50 Shades of Gray with him. I didn't understand why or what was happening. Things between us have gotten progressively worse. I've looked online, tried to learn but the more I learn the more I don't like it. At this point our relationship is pretty much over. I'm pretty sure he's out seeking what he needs from others. He pushes me away the more I try to ask questions and throws everything I am, everything I do, right back in my face. It's like he's been consumed by the lifestyle and I've been thrown away. I don't even know if this relationship is even worth saving anymore. He's had WAY more time in the lifestyle and it's extremely EXTREMELY foreign to me. He said he'd give me time to learn, but not given direction I don't know where or want to learn. I love him with every ounce of my being and I don't want to lose him. I'm so lost. I came here hoping for advice or something, anything that I can say or do get thru to him. 

[CHAOTIC426]

Honestly, if he's not going to respect who you are as a person, then it's not a relationship worth having. You're better off ending it sooner rather than later. Go find you somebody who you can truly feel in tune with, because based on what you've written, he isn't it.

[MissTakenDeep]

I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this, it’s really NOT okay and tbh, it sounds like your man is a massive arsehole!
1. 50 shades of grey is probably the worst example you can be given of BDSM..
2. It doesn’t take 7yrs to tell the woman you’re with what you’re into sexually.

If he’s never shown an interest in bdsm before, I’d be asking where this has suddenly come from? If it’s from 50shades then I stand by him being an arsehole 😐 If it’s from another source, like these sites and women he’s been speaking to while you were separated…I stand by him being an arsehole!!

It really sounds like he can’t or won’t respect your boundaries, he’s not teaching you anything, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t know anything yet is making you feel inferior because you don’t? Did I mention arsehole??

Some people don’t enjoy bdsm, some people on here have nothing to do with D/S dynamics, just kink. Then there are those who are STRICTLY vanilla…and that’s completely ok too! You don’t/can’t change who you are to make someone else happy and you shouldn’t try to.

I agree with Chaotic426.. he’s proving he’s not right for you ❤️

[Deleted Member]

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that your in such an awful situation. Its obvious from the words you type that your just not kinky.......and that's totally ok......we are who we are and that's the end of it. 

 

To try and be something we are not to please another is a one way street to destination  head fuck, especially in a community such as this. He sounds a cunt, simple as that and if he were the kinkster he claims to be he would not be trying to basically force kink upon you......it breaks and contradicts a base protocol of the kinky community and who we are. Be proud of your vanilla personality, be proud of who you are, and dont try to change to fit anothers perception of who you should be.  Hes a prick, youre not, and I think already you know what you must do as it seems it's all about what he wants and that's not how relationships work. As hard as it is sometimes we have to face the truth head on, accept it, and deal with it. All the best and good luck.

[ge****]

As I read your post and the subsequent replies (all of which I agree with and echo) the words of a song hit me - "don't go changing to try to please me" - well in this case it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't like you "Just The Way You Are" but wants you to conform to *his* view of what *he* thinks you should be, and that is just plain wrong.
.
You've not said what exactly he thinks that is, dominant, submissive, just plain kinky, but that's irrelevant really - the fact he expects you to change and not only that to do so without any real guidance or willingness on his part to do so *together*, just spells disaster to me.
.
Had he come to you and said that this was something he'd like to explore *with* you and that you'd both take slow steps within your comfort zones, then it may have been different.
.
There is absolutely nothing to say you *have* to be into this lifestyle - so my advice to you would be to walk away, or if you can't do that because of your feelings for him, give him the ultimatum that it's either this lifestyle or you - and even then you'd need to trust him enough not to continue exploring it behind your back.
.
No matter how much you try and learn though, if you don't like what you see you'll never find a way to embrace it and he needs to either accept that or accept that the relationship is done.

[PJ****]

3 hours ago, MissTakenDeep said:

I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this, it’s really NOT okay and tbh, it sounds like your man is a massive arsehole!
1. 50 shades of grey is probably the worst example you can be given of BDSM..
2. It doesn’t take 7yrs to tell the woman you’re with what you’re into sexually.

If he’s never shown an interest in bdsm before, I’d be asking where this has suddenly come from? If it’s from 50shades then I stand by him being an arsehole 😐 If it’s from another source, like these sites and women he’s been speaking to while you were separated…I stand by him being an arsehole!!

It really sounds like he can’t or won’t respect your boundaries, he’s not teaching you anything, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t know anything yet is making you feel inferior because you don’t? Did I mention arsehole??

Some people don’t enjoy bdsm, some people on here have nothing to do with D/S dynamics, just kink. Then there are those who are STRICTLY vanilla…and that’s completely ok too! You don’t/can’t change who you are to make someone else happy and you shouldn’t try to.

I agree with Chaotic426.. he’s proving he’s not right for you ❤️

Best.Answer.Ever 😁 totally agree.. he sounds like a prick!

[Deleted Member]

Even if you were into kink I would say avoid this guy like the plague. The most vital aspects of kink are communication and respect and here is showing he can do neither. To push you away when you are trying to understand is cruel and unnecessary and I have to agree with the other people commenting that he sounds like a total arse. 
 

Let’s face it, he wasn’t very nice before all this started was he, but you’re still holding on to the memory of the person he was/pretended to be when you met. The sooner you get out of this relationship, the better.
 

I know the pain of not being able to get through to someone, but if he doesn’t want to hear you, you’ll end up just torturing yourself and feeling inadequate because, if he doesn’t want to hear you, the right words simply don’t exist. 

[Mr-Brown]

Get rid If you ask me. He's obviously doesn't give 2 shits about how you feel. For him it's either get with it or go. Get rid ✌️

[CopperKnob]

Whilst I don't disagree with any of the other comments at all, just offering a different take...
Pre covid, a non kinky friend suggested to me that I look into BDSM based on the qualities I was looking for in a relationship. At the time, that had nothing to do with any kind of kink, for me.
I'll be honest, at that point I was horrified and left things well alone. Skip forwards to this time a year ago, chatting to people and one particular D-type, I still struggled to accept the things I clearly prefer in relationships. It really didn't sit well for me at all. I honestly questioned everything
I'm not saying that this is the case for you
I'm also not saying that the account you've given of your personal circumstances is healthy
Just a different perspective based on my experience
I hope that you can both sit down together and have an open and honest conversation about your respective wants/needs to find a way forwards

[Bunny843]

I guess I don't have the correct vocabulary to explain what's going on. Thanks for you help.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, Bunny843 said:

I guess I don't have the correct vocabulary to explain what's going on. Thanks for you help.

Sorry if we haven’t helped. What are we misunderstanding, Bunny? 

[Matttster]

You don’t need the right vocabulary. As someone noted 50 shades is not a good source for what kink should be. Kink should be about what people enjoy and no 2 relationships will be the same.

It sounds like he is not willing to work on the relationship. A relationship should not be about you changing to be what he wants, it should be about the two (or more) people working together. There must be compromise in all relationships, there should be give and take. Not “my way or the highway”.

Kink should be about exploration and enjoyment, it should not be something you need to do to save a relationship. There should be mutual respect and acceptance.

From what you describe, it does not sound like a relationship with him would be healthy. It does not sound as though he respects you.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Bunny843 said:

I guess I don't have the correct vocabulary to explain what's going on. Thanks for you help.

Your vocabulary is spot on. Please re-read everyone’s comments. He doesn’t sound like a good Dom. This is an opportunity to walk away. He has already made his decision.

[cautiousswitch]

 

 

16 hours ago, Bunny843 said:

I'm not entirely sure where to start here. I'm going to apologize in advance if I phrase something  I love him with every ounce of my being and I don't want to lose him. I'm so lost. I came here hoping for advice or something, anything that I can say or do get thru to him. 

Get through to him how? 

He seems uninterested in answering your questions.  Not knowing him, there is little anyone here can say that might get him to answer them.  I've never read or seen 'Fifty Shades of Gray,' but from what others have said it is not a good learning tool.  Some people have asked about how he got interested, you say that he practiced it years ago and is getting back into it.  Have you asked him how he got interested? If he won't even answer that much it's a bad sign.  There is no single rule as to how to practice kink; if he expects you to practice with him then you have a right to understand his interests and philosophy of kink.  

What you have described sounds very one-sided.  BDSM shouldn't be one-sided.  Nobody has mentioned abuse yet, but what you describe sounds like abusive behaviour on his part to me.

[Deleted Member]

I'm going to totally ignore the specifics of bdsm as really that's irrelevant here when it comes down to your relationship.

You say he told you he didn't love you & split up but you got back together on the grounds that you must change & conform to what he wants.

You say he pushes you away & throws things in your face.

You say things have progressively gotten worse.

His communication seems to be appalling & he isn't giving you the help & support you need & is expecting you to do all the work & effort & is setting you up to fail.

You say you love him & don't want to lose him but it seems that he isn't giving you the same level of love & respect in return & has hidden his true sexual desire & experience from you for years.

No one really ever wants a long term relationship with someone we love to end but when that love, respect & desire is one way & will only be reciprocated if you stop being you, stop being the person you are, to change to suit them & become someone you arent, to do things you don't desire or have a passion for, just so they will want you & stay with you, is wrong, that's not how relationships should be & especially shouldn't be how a dom/sub relationship should be as there is a lack of respect from him & you can't build the level of trust a dom/sub requires.

It seems to me that you are the only one fighting for this relationship, the only one trying to do all you can to save it & even willing to do things & become someone you aren't just to please him & keep you relationship going & frankly it sounds like he's treating you like shit, you shouldn't have to change, to become something you're not just to please him & in all honesty I think you are better off out of this relationship as your partner should love you for who you are & not put conditions of "be what I want or I won't be with you" that is just fundamentally wrong for any form of relationship whether it's bf/gf, husband/wife, dom/sub or even just a friend relationship. I can appreciate your love for him & your desire to be with him but ask yourself if this was your sister, cousin, friend would you tell them to change to keep a relationship or would you be saying to them the same as what I'm saying to you, that they shouldn't have to change & become someone your not. Also he wasn't honest with you for 7 years & hid his past from you, he lied to you for years then we decides he wants to go back to the lifestyle he's hidden from you for years he told you he didn't love you because you was vanilla, he just discarded you to go experience something different & if he didn't love you, then you becoming a sub, isn't magically going to make him love you again.

I think you already know in your head & your heart the answer to your predicament.

[SubFU]

Hi Bunny843,your boyfriend should have been as patient as you have with him.I think,he is not worthy of your deep love for him.I know you will read this and it probably wont change your emotions for him and i understand that all consuming need for his expression of love to you.I can only hope you make the right choice for you and you alone.You are wonderful and many men would love to have you in their life.I know its so difficult to believe at this time but i hope one day you will see how precious your love is and give to someone,worthy of your beautiful gift♡

[DarkArts1066]

My advice, such that it is, will be hard to take, but your boyfriend has already gone. That is not a casual observation, but if as you have said, you split - and have gotten back together, but with conditions placed upon this, then you are not in a vanilla relationship - OR a Dom/sub relationship.

A true Dom would have much more respect for you than he is showing you right now.

To put it crudely (with my apologies) it seems as though he is using these conditions placed upon you to obtain what he wants (sexually?) from you, but without consideration for your needs or your wellbeing.

People like this aren’t just ignorant - or abusive …. They are dangerous.

I don’t normally make statements like I have above - but all my alarm bells are ringing here.
If you can end things between you safely and appropriately, then my feeing is that you should.
This person is not the same one you have previously been in a relationship with.

Be safe, and be happy.

[dr****]

Good God, you're 43?

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, drummerguy said:

Good God, you're 43?

What’s that got to do with anything?

[Deleted Member]

I agree. If 50 shades of shit was the go to educational medium suggested, then your boyfriend is what we call a Fake Dom. An abuser. You agreed to be my Sub, therefore I can do anything I want to you. It took about 4 sequels of this dire rubbish and a ton of heat from the community before she introduced the concept of trust, communication, negotiation, safe words etc. 
My mantra... it's all about the Sub. Her Kink, her way. She is the prize, to be wooed and nurtured. Kink is like a Venn diagram. You draw a circle and put all the stuff you love into it. Draw another and fill it with all the stuff you'd like to try. Then you see how many hits you find with a potential partner. Rule out hard limit clashes and then see if the chemistry is there. 
Never do anything because you've read it some where or been told that you have to. By all means be open to try a few things, but the most important thing is that you experience your kink, your way.
If you happen to be a very happy vanilla lady. That, believe it or not, is your kink. You are still a sexual person, not something to be coerced or abused.

[Deleted Member]

Couldn’t have said it better! What people (fake Doms)seem to forget, or don’t even know, for that matter, being a sub does NOT give a Dome the right to treat you like shit. The entire relationship is predicated on caring. I do what I do for my babygirl because 1. It brings her a great deal of pleasure 2. Pleasing her, brings me a great deal of pleasure. 3. Pleasing me, brings her a great deal of pleasure. 4. What we do together, brings us both a great deal of pleasure.
But neither of us would do the things we do with each other, if we didn’t first care about each other.

[ka****]

Already some incredible insights in here, but figured I'd throw my two cents in as well.
To he honest, this person doesn't sound like they are worth your time, there's a baseline level of disrespect for your needs going on here, which is deeply unhealthy in a relationship, kinky or not.
Taking a shot in the dark, this sounds like frenzy combined with some internalised shame. He may have moved away from kink, feeling ashamed of it, and now that he's come back to it he has a desire to make up for 'lost time', irrespective of that though, the response is not healthy for him or for you.
On top of that, you shouldn't feel pressured to be involved in kink EVER. Being vanilla is perfectly okay, and having that boundary pushed against is a terrible quality in a partner.
Lastly, to echo everyone else in the thread, Fifty Shades of Grey is an awful point of reference for healthy kinky relationships, and any person idolising it for the most part should be educated and/or kept at an arms length. If it's the only media he has been exposed to, I would encourage him to explore other (non-pornographic) sources that discuss kinky life and relationships.

[RosineK]

February 26, Lockfairy said:

Even if you were into kink I would say avoid this guy like the plague. The most vital aspects of kink are communication and respect and here is showing he can do neither. To push you away when you are trying to understand is cruel and unnecessary and I have to agree with the other people commenting that he sounds like a total arse. 
 

Let’s face it, he wasn’t very nice before all this started was he, but you’re still holding on to the memory of the person he was/pretended to be when you met. The sooner you get out of this relationship, the better.
 

I know the pain of not being able to get through to someone, but if he doesn’t want to hear you, you’ll end up just torturing yourself and feeling inadequate because, if he doesn’t want to hear you, the right words simply don’t exist. 

Totally agree 👍 I would add that you shouldn't feel pressurised to try things you are not interested in or comfortable with. If you don't like kink /BDSM, you shouldn't be forced to the lifestyle just because your partner does. I appreciate you have feelings but if he cared about you the way you care about him, he wouldn't have put you in this position.