Kink, BDSM and hook ups

[Pe****]

So…. How many people do we think is on this site who actually have any knowledge of the kink/BDSM lifestyle? For us who know, it’s about meeting like minded people that know the lifestyle is built on consent, trust and boundaries. If you wouldn’t go up to someone in public and say it, why say it here? I totally appreciate that most people who reply here are respectful and honest because I’ve seen it on these threads. I’m just curious to know why some people that join this site think it’s for dirty encounters and it gives them the right to be rude instead of understanding we are a community that thrives on respect and boundaries?

[ap****]

Very true

[st****]

Nice

[pe****]

WELL FREAKING SAID

[Deleted Member]

Yes I notice too... XD

[sh****]

Absolutely! I believe that they just see it as a way for their newfound "dominant" or "submissive" sides to come out. I may get roasted for this comment, but some are pathetic enough to try anything for a quick lay. Just my own $0.02

[ey****]

I fear one of the problems is that the growth of the site is attracting a lot of people who are new or curious to kink - but - don't really have a lot of idea above thinking it's easy sex.  

It seems that a happy medium is getting difficult - that at first there were people frustrated there were very few people in their area and now it's growing rapidly but to a lot of people who don't really understand the lifestyle 

[As****]

I agree with you kaycie. I think most people on here haven’t considered how it works in the real world.They’ve probably read “that” book or seen the film. The truth is that BDSM relationships are much like any other, except with more consideration of each others needs and absolute honest communication about them, including sexual needs. In between doing the shopping and putting the bins out there’s a bit of kinky, agreed power exchange. Oh, and by the way, the sub is the primary consideration and can end the relationship.
Having said that, this site isn’t the worst. If you want full on bonkers check out “collarspace”.

[ge****]

Sadly it's not just this site but any "sex" related site - I was on another well known swinging site for years and it was the same there.
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People, and let's face it, it is mainly men, see "sex site" and immediately equate it to free and easy sex and lose sight of all the common courtesies that would be expected in the real world - things like respect, decency, politeness etc and even mutual attraction get cast aside by many.
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Add to that the anonymity the Internet affords and allows people to say things they wouldn't dream of saying to someone's face and it's just a recipe for the kind of behaviour seen time and again on sites like this, and even sites that aren't directly "sex" related such as PoF and Tinder etc.
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Sadly I'm not sure much can be done about it either, other than growing a thicker skin and learning to ignore those that behave that way, which isn't as it should be, as it places the onus on the recipient rather than the sender, but unfortunately I don't think there's any other choice.

[Al****]

I like what you have said. I am a Gentleman Dom/Daddy Dom for many years now. I believe in respect and give it as long as I receive it.

[ch****]

So the lifestyle apps have a lot of fakes and robots but I do believe that some are here to learn and are not yet comfortable with saying it in public to others. But you also have people who have been in the lifestyle for years and don't want to tell friends and family let alone say it in public. I say to each their own and there is someone for everyone no matter how much experience, lifestyle choice, or how open you are about it.

[Deleted Member]

(hello?)...
For me, I think the difference between lived experience and hopeful wannabe is mindset. That's the only difference that separates the two, (that I can see?)... It's the difference between acting selfish and acting selfless —with intent. (Are they really fake or are they just uneducated?)... I've lived through Informed Consent when the BBS was having it's final meltdown and the netsplit happened, I was there when the torture garden fell apart, I watched helpless as Zephyr's infosite crumbled and I cried helplessly when EL James brought csi-does-kink to the bookshelf and everyone who ever had a desire queued up outside Waterstones for a copy and the flood of mentally ill equipped almost killed FL... It all comes down to the same issue... People are still ill educated, and worse still, social media and the internet in general is guilty of assumption. People see FeT as just another dating site with a quirky theme, and until that is re-educated, the same mistakes will be made over and over again by nobody's fault save mild ignorance... 😕

[Pe****]

46 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I fear one of the problems is that the growth of the site is attracting a lot of people who are new or curious to kink - but - don't really have a lot of idea above thinking it's easy sex.  

It seems that a happy medium is getting difficult - that at first there were people frustrated there were very few people in their area and now it's growing rapidly but to a lot of people who don't really understand the lifestyle 

Most definitely!!!

[Pe****]

38 minutes ago, chicago952 said:

So the lifestyle apps have a lot of fakes and robots but I do believe that some are here to learn and are not yet comfortable with saying it in public to others. But you also have people who have been in the lifestyle for years and don't want to tell friends and family let alone say it in public. I say to each their own and there is someone for everyone no matter how much experience, lifestyle choice, or how open you are about it.

Some are here to learn but the point I’m making is that a lot of people just see it as

[Pe****]

Just now, kaycie said:

Some are here to learn but the point I’m making is that a lot of people just see it as

a hook up site to just be rude

[Deleted Member]

I’ve been pretty quiet on here since I joined, quietly understanding my own kinks first. I couldn’t say anything to friends & family but I’m learning to chat more open here now.

[Ri****]

"Peoples... are peoples." And unfortunately some people are assholes who either dont think or dont care about what they say or how that impacts others. I dont know if its intentional behaviour or merely being oblivious to the tone implied and/ or received. Some people speak well but write very poorly. Still, no excuse to be rude and use language you wouldnt want your own Mum to hear coming from your mouth

[Deleted Member]

Iam here because I understand it’s about respect, trust, understanding, communication, boundaries, who has the the power, appreciation and so much more…. But if I go to another dating site I can’t find woman who would even discuss anything in the bed room even though as an adult I understand it’s part of the relationship that has too work, it’s not the most important thing in a relationship but it’s still important

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I fear one of the problems is that the growth of the site is attracting a lot of people who are new or curious to kink - but - don't really have a lot of idea above thinking it's easy sex.  

It seems that a happy medium is getting difficult - that at first there were people frustrated there were very few people in their area and now it's growing rapidly but to a lot of people who don't really understand the lifestyle 

This. Encapsulates everything wrong with this and many other sites like it.
Solution? Pass. Hopefully, they will simply learn in time.

[Deleted Member]

Definitely don't see this site as a sex orientated encounter with strangers , having been a Dom for over 8 plus yrs it's definitely limits ant trust that we look for in our cravings to enjoy what we love

[Deleted Member]

I’ve had a lot of uncomfortable messages mainly from men who definitely don’t know anything about boundaries or consent

[Deleted Member]

You can say this site is about the community, it's not a hook up site but on profiles in the "i'm looking for" section, there is options to say you are looking for NSA & Swingers, which to many, means hook ups & there are many profiles that are posting stuff about basically saying who wants to come use me, you see them regular.

So whilst there are a lot not looking for hook ups & to just get used, the site is clearly for hook ups too, so it's going to attract those looking for hook ups & use people as trash & there are those on here who want to be used & treated that way. 

Edited April 6, 2022 by Deleted Member
Mistake

[Deleted Member]

I'm sorry but like, you know what app you're on right? I wouldn't have a conversation about kink, no matter how respectful, with somebody I'd just met in public.

Yea, people come here to look for likeminded people, but this isn't a chess club, most people are going to come to this bdsm app looking for people to practice bdsm with.

Now I know what you actually mean here, your problem is the guys who are gonna slide into your DMs being way too upfront and way too demanding when you're just not interested.

That's a problem basically everywhere there's men, and the internet makes it worse, because instead of one asshole harassing the women he meets, all the assholes can harass all the women which massively skews their experience to be predominantly dealing with assholes. I don't have any answers to that problem, but condecending posts probably arn't helping.

[Deleted Member]

Iam definitely not here to harass any woman, but I do see men harassing woman on other sites, not sure about this one, iam here to find someone for a long term relationship that has the same kinks as me and wants the same things, but I dont speak for everyone, but I have seen a lot more respectful men on here then on other sites 🤔

[Deleted Member]

The real issue is always the damn same... Doesn't matter who you are, what you are or why you are... Bubbles, echo chambers and tribes... People like people like them... And if you don't know who they are, you're unlikely to entertain them. Rudeness, a lack of manners or a default misunderstanding of the social platform makes no difference, really... Fine line between being passive and ignored or aggressive and prominent... Even finer line between introduction of self and here's my ego, enjoy that privilege... Reciprocation is the issue... Too many think they can just find better by ignoring what's in front of them in favour of what might happen next... And, sadly... That's why so many men feel the need to be so aggressive today... It's a one-sided battle they were almost destined to lose... (No, I'm not referring to the lost causes who think shoving a DP in your dm's before saying hello is the answer, they're an entirely different waste of space?), what I am saying is, those who attempt a hello and are met with blank after blank after blank will eventually think their game is off and need to step up the threshold... Which, ironically, actually creates the very fabric of why so many men are shoving DP's into women's dm's... Catch.22 🙄💔