**TW** New to consensual non consent (Advice for a newbie dom?)

[TheModernDeath]

**Trigger Warning - Reason: Assault Experience**

 

Hello,

Two of my partners want to reenact their *** experiences with me. I've done something similar for my own trauma and it helped me heal a lot. We talked about it for a long time, and I got their consent. However, I am scared I'll mess it up. What advice do you have in engaging this? What would you tell a newbie dom?

 

Let me know if you need more info.

 

Note: We already have a safe word.

[Deleted Member]

Do they have safe words? And I would still go over a conservation before and after the scene. Remember aftercare is important.

[Therapist]

Lots of communication and talking thro what's gonna happen before, during and after. They feel safe to talk about it and go thro it with you so don't worry too much about messing it up. Safe words and actions are extremely important. *** play is to be ***d as such but with that safety net that if suddenly it too much then it stops and that is top. After Care extremely important. You obviously have a very good setup an understanding with them already or what they wanna do wouldn't be on the table

[CopperKnob]

I may be in the minority given that i read so much about this being positive and im very clear that for some kink may be the***utic but it is not therapy so id be treading extremely carefully.

Yep, safewords and aftercare are obvious. Its the communication during the planning for me. The what where and the why questions i think are most important

EG
Why do they feel they want/need to do CNC
What are they wanting to achieve
What are their triggers/absolute no's
Where are they in their recovery/healing
Did they receive support following the trauma. What did that look like

Its not exhaustive, im not a Dtype and you may already have discussed the above.

I also feel that you all need to be transparent and honest in that CNC may end up being a negative experience, that will require more than aftercare. What plans are in place to manage that?

[Deleted Member]

I'd tell a newbie dom to have a reality check, you hardly have experience as a dom & you want to jump in & do something that could be extremely traumatic without the knowledge & skills to deal with the the emotional & psychological issues that could arise from this - you could open up a can worms & cause more harm & then not have a clue how to deal with this.

Do you really think if something takes a turn for the worst that you have the knowledge to deal with the situation, to manage their emotional & psychological state & *** - you going through similar yourself isn't enough to give you the skill-set needed to cope in these kind of situations when they don't go as you hoped.

I believe managing trauma & *** can be done within BDSM & have done it myself before, however, Im trained in counselling, psychology, mentoring, substance misuse plus other courses & worked within support & have a lot of life experience of trauma & *** myself so feel I have the knowledge & experience to work with people issues but you have no confidence in your abilities & are asking on a kink site for advice & how to do it & frankly NO ONE should give you any other advice than DON'T!

[Ta****]

Get them to write down clearly what they want to experience.

[TheModernDeath]

20 hours ago, DomDaddySir said:

I'd tell a newbie dom to have a reality check, you hardly have experience as a dom & you want to jump in & do something that could be extremely traumatic without the knowledge & skills to deal with the the emotional & psychological issues that could arise from this - you could open up a can worms & cause more harm & then not have a clue how to deal with this.

Do you really think if something takes a turn for the worst that you have the knowledge to deal with the situation, to manage their emotional & psychological state & *** - you going through similar yourself isn't enough to give you the skill-set needed to cope in these kind of situations when they don't go as you hoped.

I believe managing trauma & *** can be done within BDSM & have done it myself before, however, Im trained in counselling, psychology, mentoring, substance misuse plus other courses & worked within support & have a lot of life experience of trauma & *** myself so feel I have the knowledge & experience to work with people issues but you have no confidence in your abilities & are asking on a kink site for advice & how to do it & frankly NO ONE should give you any other advice than DON'T!

This doesn't make a lot of sense. We all have to start somewhere, and I like using forums. So, I went to a kink site because that's what felt the most comfortable to me. If you think it's silly to be on this site, why are you on here? To me other people's opinions is a valuable source of information.

What you're saying comes off very "You don't have any knowledge. HOWEVER, don't attain knowledge. That's stupid." 

Are you sure you're a professional? I'd never trust someone like you who immediately judged me, made a bunch of assumptions about my words, and insulted me.

I'll take your warning since it's important. I understand I am not properly trained as a psychologist to deal with trauma. However I am not here because "I have no confidence". I am just came here, and to many other resources, to learn.

Thank you for your input.

Like you could have just said "Earn experience as a dom first. New Doms should participate in this" ? I would have gotten the same message??

 

 

Edited April 13, 2022 by TheModernDeath
Clarification

[TheModernDeath]

On 4/12/2022 at 12:44 AM, sqooushykitten97 said:

Do they have safe words? And I would still go over a conservation before and after the scene. Remember aftercare is important.

Yes! We've been participating in BDSM for a while and def have a safe word.

On 4/12/2022 at 1:05 AM, Therapist said:

Lots of communication and talking thro what's gonna happen before, during and after. They feel safe to talk about it and go thro it with you so don't worry too much about messing it up. Safe words and actions are extremely important. *** play is to be ***d as such but with that safety net that if suddenly it too much then it stops and that is top. After Care extremely important. You obviously have a very good setup an understanding with them already or what they wanna do wouldn't be on the table

Got it. Go through a step by step. Yes, safety is important! It's partly why I want support--I don't want to hurt someone.

23 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I may be in the minority given that i read so much about this being positive and im very clear that for some kink may be the***utic but it is not therapy so id be treading extremely carefully.

Yep, safewords and aftercare are obvious. Its the communication during the planning for me. The what where and the why questions i think are most important

EG
Why do they feel they want/need to do CNC
What are they wanting to achieve
What are their triggers/absolute no's
Where are they in their recovery/healing
Did they receive support following the trauma. What did that look like

Its not exhaustive, im not a Dtype and you may already have discussed the above.

I also feel that you all need to be transparent and honest in that CNC may end up being a negative experience, that will require more than aftercare. What plans are in place to manage that?

 

These are excellent questions! Thank you! Okay, yes--I also ***ed that it would end up negatively. I've had a very deep conversation about this with them. Tonight I'll show them everything everyone said and see if CnC is something they want to do.

18 hours ago, TallDrake said:

Get them to write down clearly what they want to experience.

This is such a good idea! I'll ask them if they will be willing to do that. Mostly because if they can't write it down, I *** it would be too unsafe to engage with CnC.

[Ca****]

Wednesday at 02:22 AM, TheModernDeath said:

This doesn't make a lot of sense. We all have to start somewhere, and I like using forums. So, I went to a kink site because that's what felt the most comfortable to me. If you think it's silly to be on this site, why are you on here? To me other people's opinions is a valuable source of information.

What you're saying comes off very "You don't have any knowledge. HOWEVER, don't attain knowledge. That's stupid." 

Are you sure you're a professional? I'd never trust someone like you who immediately judged me, made a bunch of assumptions about my words, and insulted me.

I'll take your warning since it's important. I understand I am not properly trained as a psychologist to deal with trauma. However I am not here because "I have no confidence". I am just came here, and to many other resources, to learn.

Thank you for your input.

Like you could have just said "Earn experience as a dom first. New Doms should participate in this" ? I would have gotten the same message??

 

 

Yaaa that definitely read a bit condescendingly to me too... You're absolutely right to be reaching out asking others' advice and opinions, and I'm pretty sure that's one of the ways most of us have learned at least something about the kink world at some point. That's one of the main things this community is made for, not to shit on someone looking to learn! (Unless that's what does it for you 😅🤷‍♂️😬)
But ya, the constructive responses you got so far have been good ones... My advice is just going to echo them for the most part, but I'll emphasize even more the importance of communication. The more you guys talk about things in detail the more you'll understand the kind of experience they're wanting and how to actually go about it, as well as the more comfortable you'll both feel about it. Also, just because it's essentially a *** roleplay doesn't mean you can't still be conscious and considerate of the experience she's having... Pay attention to her body language and watch to see if she seems to be feeling excited and that good type of nervous, or if she's seeming uncomfortable or like she's genuinely not enjoying something you're doing; just try your best to do the things that turn her on and are gonna make the experience what she's looking for. I'm sure you're going to enjoy it no matter what right? 🙃

As long as you're comfortable with each other and you understand what she's wanting and where her comfort zone is/ends, you should have a good idea how you're gonna go about things, then just adjust what you do and the intensity of it based off her reactions. Make sure she knows it's ok to use the safe word/gesture. I like to periodically ask her how she's doing (usually dressed up playfully or as praise or ***) and she'll respond "green, yellow, or red," which I'm sure you get the jist of. Be confident in yourself and your actions during the scene.. don't be afraid to get a little rough with her as long as you're aware of her limits, paying attention to her body language, and she knows to communicate with you throughout things. Have a good time exploring different roleplay scenarios for it. And most definitely put just as much into the after-care and communicating afterwards! Sorry for the long messy post, but hopefully it helps in some way