Understanding Complex Consent Dynamics and BDSM CNC Fetish

[Cade]

There are many diverse modes of relationship dynamics that fall under the umbrella concept of BDSM; from casual play partners barely dipping their toes into kinky sex to sage veterans that adhere strict protocol to secure their fetish lifestyle, we are united by the belief that each of us should be free to explore our desires and fantasies despite how they might deviate from socially acceptable norms and alternate from the traditional relationship scheme. In this, we gain a sense of community, a means for like-minded individuals to come together in support and friendship (and often, so much more). A collective for the "freaks" and "perverts" that refuse to subscribe to the notion that having unusual interests and intense penchants means something is wrong with them. Together, we aren't so alone in our perversions and need not feel alienated by our desired lifestyles, and having amazingly special people that understand and care about us helps show the defining difference between a BDSM relationship and abuse: Consent. Consent is the linchpin of any successful partnership; consent ensures everyone has the opportunity to knowingly agree to participate in extreme activities, aren't pressured or manipulated, and only viable prior to activities in a clear frame of mind. Whichever acronym you live your lifestyle by, consent should be as constant a principle as to do no harm.

Consent is more than "yes", though. As a simple demonstration of this, we'll be taking a trip to the ice cream shoppe. I already know what I want: a rocky road hot fudge sundae, yum! We get to the counter, and the ice cream jerk asks if I'd like some ice cream, which of course, I respond yes most excitedly. The jerk goes over to the many delicious and spectacular flavors, spooning a scoop of plain vanilla in a cup and hands it to me. You better believe I'm going to look at that cup dissatisfied and wonder, is this what I consented to? Certainly not, because consenting is more than just saying yes.

Consent is knowing what you are accepting, the conditions of which you are agreeing to endure or participate. This becomes easy to understand when we apply it to sex: consider you meet an individual that interests you and the chemistry is there, leading you to a private location with them. The sparks are flying, and they whisper in your ear, "Let's have sex," which you reply with a very positive yes. What does that include, though? Will there be hair pulling or choking, both fairly common sexual practices that conversely might act as negative triggers to some? Does it include oral or anal sex? In all rights, all you consented to was sexual intercourse, and although may get away with other sexual fumblings, run the risk of causing unacceptable emotional and/or physical discomfort. Of course, this is a fairly common mishap of general vanilla courtships, and although times are changing, is a cause of many consent accidents still.

The utter importance of consent in BDSM becomes evident; for many kinksters, sex is ultimately not just sexual intercourse, but might include any activity from bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadomasochism - and beyond. In the literal sense, some of us need to experience our unique and specific fetish in order to achieve arousal; even if non-sexual in nature, to include someone that hasn't consented to be exposed to a fetish is a violation, with the potential to cause harm on psychological levels as much as physical. Then when considering those special situations where fetishes manifest a lifestyle, consent may take on new forms that may seem contrary to the nature of consent, but still envelopes the same requirements and significance.

Using d/s as the example, as casual partners that embody the roles at certain, predetermined periods only, consent is easy to understand much as it would in casual sex: making sure your partner understands and agrees with the activities prior to the interactions with consent expiring at the end of those activities. On the opposite side of that spectrum, d/s can be at the core of the relationship dynamic, the style by which one lives their life; as trust and positive integrity is secured, consent begins to expand from single interaction experiences to encompass the tenure of the relationship, expiring only if the relationship ends. Even in this form, consent consists of the understanding and agreement of the details of lifestyle and dynamic one is endeavoring, to the extent of TPE/TAT and CNC Fetish.

Total power exchange/total authority transfer (TPE/TAT) represent d/s dynamics that strive for as few relationship limits as possible. This is accomplished through lots of communication and building a great deal of trust over a length of time, negotiating specific terms and consistent adherence to those. Protocol is commonplace, as well as, the use of contracts (no legal use, of course) to outline the extent of the dynamic for anyone to reflect upon at any time; these may serve as a structure for interactions - inside and outside the relationship, guide behavior modification, offer tradition and rituals, and instruct safety practices in worse case scenarios. These qualities may be found even in extreme owner/property dynamics (like m/s) in which one person turns over all consent to another, as in consensual-nonconsent (CNC) and/or as part of a BDSM CNC fetish. 

BDSM CNC fetish can be overwhelming to understand; how can anyone both consent AND not consent at the same time? Of course, BDSM CNC is moreover the concept of consenting to not have consent. Sticking with the idea that consent is knowing what you're saying yes to, it's easy to understand that BDSM CNC is consenting to not knowing when or what one might be enduring. BDSM CNC fetish may have limits and safewords or not, but will still follow the expectation that the dynamic be discussed and understood by all participants before consent can be reached, not to undermine the importance of trust, honest integrity, and positive intent - which are best proven over time and through experience.

In the BDSM world, a slave in the most strict "no limit" TPE accepts that role through proper consent practices. Once the owner (respective) consents to the possibility of a dynamic, they accept the responsibility for the care and safety of the slave. Through personal responsibility, the owner would ensure the slave's awareness and understanding of their expectations and extent of the dynamic through intensive discussion and training - which may well take many years to accomplish. Trust is secured by both through consistency to agreed upon terms; the slave learns their owner is a positive influence and grows confident in their intent to create and lead a happy, healthy dynamic. Structure becomes a way of life, and honestly, BDSM CNC fetish dynamics are really no different than any other: no one can force or manipulate you into it, you must be confident in the details you agree to, and we all just want to explore our desires (to BDSM CNC fetish and more) to the fullest. At the center of it all, consent is just one of the ways this is such an amazing lifestyle!

[Ky****]

BDSM CNC for me is about setting a few boundaries as in all consensual BDSM but then being ambushed so that I know what's going to happen but not when, and it also requires some little extra to give it a catch, in the past its been through reading something and agreeing that account will be reenacted on me, and just like all re-enactment its slightly modified for safety, a particular source for me are newspaper accounts of real life incidents.CNC fetish is different for all.

[Cade]

@Kymi Excellent example!

[ey****]

lots of really good BDSM CNC fetish examples.

I like the ice cream analogy very much - and it's why communication is very important.  

[Leisa]

Another great and accurate read. Consent takes on many forms including both implicit and explicit consent. Consent in all aspects of the dynamic are the cornerstone by which all parties thrive and grow.

While not into CNC myself I can see the draw of many. It’s a “shock” element not normally present.

[Leisa]

Another great read. Consent takes on both an implicit and explicit form. It’s the cornerstone for all that we do in our lifestyle. Without consent you’re left with force and abuse. Well done my friend.

[le****]

These types of discussions that every young person should hear, regardless if they are in the BDSM community, into BDSM CNC Fetish or not. Its appalling how little I was taught of consent as a young person, and I know I'm not the only one. Thank you for the amazing read!! The ice cream analogy especially.

[Li****]

@Cade That was an exceptionally well written example of some of the  kinky dynamics and thought processes regarding the acceptance of BDSM CNC fetish within the bdsm community.  I very much enjoyed reading that.😘👍