Telling my mom

[Deleted Member]

So I'm trying to get more into this side of myself. But I still live with my mom. She is highly evolved in my life. She is concerned for me with people I have tried to meet up with. (Which is understandable.) But I'm turning 20 next month but instead of trusting me she still tries to have control on how I meet new people. The problem is when I say I am meeting someone new she wants to know a long list of things about this person. Answers I don't even know yet. But with this being a kink I know she will try to discourage it. And even try to take over the situation and possibly say I can't do it. I just want to know if I should keep it to myself? Or if I should just go ahead and tell her than deal with everything else later.

[ge****]

In my view there are some things parents don't need to know about their adult children, and children don't need to know about their parents, and this would be one of them.
.
While your Mum is obviously concerned for you and parents always will be (my own Mum still worried about me until the day she passed and I was in my fifties then!!) she also needs to learn to let go and give you some space of your own as an adult.
.
So no I wouldn't tell her, it's likely to have the opposite to the desired effect, I would however suggest sitting down and having a conversation with her about how you feel about her control and how you need some adult space of your own.

[Cheekysub247]

Id say unless shes open minded keep the kink to yourself (as long as a friend/safe person knows you are meeting for this reason).
My parents are/were very closed minded, even vanilla encounters (thats what she thinks) my mum gives me snide remarks, i cant imagine if she knew actually what i do lol. Sounds like your mum likes to be too involved, im sure from a caring point of view but you need to live your life how you choose x

[Catsailor69]

15 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

In my view there are some things parents don't need to know about their adult children, and children don't need to know about their parents, and this would be one of them.
.
While your Mum is obviously concerned for you and parents always will be (my own Mum still worried about me until the day she passed and I was in my fifties then!!) she also needs to learn to let go and give you some space of your own as an adult.
.
So no I wouldn't tell her, it's likely to have the opposite to the desired effect, I would however suggest sitting down and having a conversation with her about how you feel about her control and how you need some adult space of your own.

I most heartily agree.

As a father, I was confronted by my then 22 year old daughter about my ad on a swingers site. At first I sputtered a dignified attempt for my defense, UNTIL it dawned on me to ask her what she was doing on the site. Lol

As a consequence, we had an “interesting” talk and made some ground rules and agreements. I suspected that she was a lot in the same way as me, when a couple of years before, it was thrown into everyone’s knowledge because of an *** she suffered from a bad sexual experience.

You are correct, there ARE some things that parents and children should not know about each other. Lol. I do agree that parents need to back off and allow their children the same respects and freedoms to choose for themselves as any adult will.

[Strix]

Jade it depends on what questions she's asking that you don't know the answer to... I have started reading a few things and realise I need start asking a few questions that I used to ask when dating vanilla way, they actually help in BDSM too so I'd say start thinking of vetting ask some of the questions your mom is asking, meet in public places so mom doesn't worry too much she'll always worry but try reduce it by giving her some of the answers you feel you can answer. Don't have to tell her about the BDSM/kink stuff just be as honest as you can

[Catsailor69]

5 minutes ago, Strix said:

Jade it depends on what questions she's asking that you don't know the answer to... I have started reading a few things and realise I need start asking a few questions that I used to ask when dating vanilla way, they actually help in BDSM too so I'd say start thinking of vetting ask some of the questions your mom is asking, meet in public places so mom doesn't worry too much she'll always worry but try reduce it by giving her some of the answers you feel you can answer. Don't have to tell her about the BDSM/kink stuff just be as honest as you can

This brings to mind a philosophy that has always existed in the lifestyle. What we know and who we see, stays there in that moment and is respectful to all.
I’ve run into others that I know in the lifestyle at the store and other places. We passed with only a knowing smile. That’s the honorable thing of this lifestyle that I very much appreciate.

[Je****]

Okay so I am probably not gonna sound all too kind here, but I mean my comment in the best way.


She is your mother. You still live under her roof. So yes, she will naturally want to have a say in things you do, people you see etc. She's clearly worried about your safety.
I am a parent so I tried to see this throught the eyes of a daughter and a mother.

I personally wouldn't have told my mum about kink stuff.... dating, sure, but not kink.
Being a parent would I want to know about the kink stuff my own kids do? Probably not. BUT...
I would want to know if they were meeting people for more intimate arrangements or the likes. So I know where they are, that they are safe and so they know I am always someone who's door is open should something go wrong, should they need a safe call or emergency help!

For me there is a line..... On one side is telling her your personal kink and sex business. The other is knowing who you are with or where so she can make sure she can check on you should you need help.

I think I would prefer as a daughter to tell my mum I am meeting XX in YY for ZZ amount of days, don't worry should I need you I will message you about "Christmas" (code word).
I however would not tell my mum why or what for, regarding the meet. (Kink and/or Sex). That is my personal business.
And I would have a rule in my home for my kids... While you are under my roof I want to know you are ok and where you are. You haven't had the experience venturing out alone yet so my mind won't be at rest until that time. It's a mothers love.
But as I have said multiple times, you have the right to some privacy in life.

I think what you need to do is sit down and say "I am meeting a man/woman I like, I will be spending a few days with them to hang out and have a date. This is my code word I will mention it if i need you, please don't worry, I am an adult and I want to keep you in the loop as much as have my own business kept private, I hope you can understand".

Sorry for the ramble here. But I vote in favour of both sides. You definately need a conversation, loosely on things. Not intimate details.

BUT what I will say is, if my child said she was meeting someone and couldnt tell me a list of things (like surname, where they live, DOB, what car they drive if any) I certainly would have my back up as a parent too. I would also NOT meet someone as a daughter and adult who plans to date someone IF I don't know the basics tbh. Remember even if you ask basics, if the person you hope to date/meet is reluctant to give you details but keen to meet you privately for sex, (assuming an arrangement is being had not a ONS) then I'd personally not be meeting them.

[sc****]

I have four daughters (23-33 now) and I’ve always been very open with them about anything they wanted to know.
My mini-me, we’re even more open, but there’s still a line.
I don’t want to know what my daughters are doing in their bedrooms, but they do come to me to deal with problems.

Even though all this stuff is all good, sometimes I get embarrassed or think it’s too much, or think they should go to their mother.
Mom doesn’t do that department, so it’s me.

Jade, I was going to say you went a bit far with your openness, but I can easily see why you speak to mom on the topics that you’re growing in, and sex is probably the most important you’d need guidance.
“Needs guidance” is what mom is hearing and what she’s giving back.
That’s to say, and this is not at all meant smart assy, you’re getting what you asked for.

Should you cut her out of the loop?
No, not until you’ve developed a relationship with someone you can take all things to.
You can get excellent input here, but mom knows you. She’s the one best capable of giving you her viewpoint.

I don’t think you should cut her out at all, but unless you can get her on board, educated, and understanding of your sexual nature, she’s not going to be able to offer advice that’s even ballpark.

I’m sure “have patience” isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s what this situation needs right now.
Maybe you can train mom up to be more effective, or there’s someone else you can start leaning on.

Probably the best thing you can do is develop a friendship with one of the women here who have many years experience in bdsm.
She’ll take time to get to know you and ask all the questions and give you all the information you need to make the very best decision you can.

I sure hope this helps!!!

[Strix]

15 minutes ago, Catsailor69 said:

This brings to mind a philosophy that has always existed in the lifestyle. What we know and who we see, stays there in that moment and is respectful to all.
I’ve run into others that I know in the lifestyle at the store and other places. We passed with only a knowing smile. That’s the honorable thing of this lifestyle that I very much appreciate.

I actually do meet lots of people that I recognise from the lifestyle and yea I do same, if I don't know them personally I don't say hi I keep quiet. I sometimes see that they recognise me and are more sheepish than me. I'm fine with who I am and know I am who I am if the other person(s) are wary I avoid saying anything. However, I have been on the other side where I was recognised while working which was fun and exciting lol but could have caused issues if anyone had realised the interaction between me and the visitor were of a flirtatious action 🤪🤣

[Catsailor69]

7 minutes ago, Strix said:

I actually do meet lots of people that I recognise from the lifestyle and yea I do same, if I don't know them personally I don't say hi I keep quiet. I sometimes see that they recognise me and are more sheepish than me. I'm fine with who I am and know I am who I am if the other person(s) are wary I avoid saying anything. However, I have been on the other side where I was recognised while working which was fun and exciting lol but could have caused issues if anyone had realised the interaction between me and the visitor were of a flirtatious action 🤪🤣

I enjoyed your comment here. In past, my slaves and I have been keenly aware of the surrounding and people we are in the company of. We would exercise modified protocols for times with family and others, that would not draw others attention, but we knew and recognized with each other.
Realizing we don’t have to wear a big scarlet M or s in the presence of others, is quite fun in itself. As the saying goes, “when I’m Rome, do as the Romans do.” Lol

[Deleted Member]

A very interesting question. Based on the previous answers I would need to say keep you kink stuff to yourself. There are many people that do not understand or appreciate this lifestyle, most of all parents. HOWEVER, safety for not only yourself but also family and loved ones is important too. Meeting in a public place for the first few times would a good idea. Have a coffee with them, have some ice cream, maybe go for a walk. The idea is a low key encounter that allows the two of you to get to know each other. Tell a friend or someone you trust what you are doing is always a good idea. The only info you need to share is their name, and the date, time and location of where you are meeting.

[ey****]

It's good and understandable that you have a mother who is cared and concerned about your wellbeing

I would say be as open as you can be.... without mentioning kink.  So where you're going, who with, what time you expect to be back, where to look first if you're late... etc. 

However, of course.  Being aware stuff can (and probably will) go wrong with kink and having your own safety measures and contingencies in place.  

[Nylon-Nellie]

When you are meeting someone new, is this happening in a busy place? For example, in a coffee shop? As far as your mum is concerned, you are meeting up for a coffee, nothing more nothing less. You are meeting such a person, at such a time, at this place and you will be home at such a time. Just have a friend in place, where you can go outside for 5 mins and have a check in phone call with this friend. Trust issues at 20? 

Yes, you live at home BUT you are still allowed to live your own life whilst being respectful of where you live.

Kink is a personal thing and a subject that I will not discuss with my daughter.

 

[Lord_Talion]

As a switch you should be able to take control over all of your life including where family is concerned, unless you think them knowing of your life choices would be harmful to that relationship. Rentbthe movie 'Tomcats' and pay close attention to her reaction during the BDSM scene. It's short, but should give an idea of the next steps