Message etiquette

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, RedandBlue63 said:

If i say hello and i dont get a reply no matter where or what the situation is then the other person is just plain rude. A no ta. Or a click of "this member says no thanks" isnt that hard surely? As i said im old school. Manners cost nothing. 

No. I used to reply no thank you to every single message that I received if I wasn't interested in chatting. Do you know what I got back? A whole lot of messages telling me that I was a slut and ugly and they weren't interested anyway, or replies demanding that I explain why. A no response is often a protection strategy, as - perhaps you don't know - if you do not reply the person cannot then message again. Just block, you reply. If I have a need to block them, then I have already received something unpleasant and hurtful.

[Da****]

25 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

No. I used to reply no thank you to every single message that I received if I wasn't interested in chatting. Do you know what I got back? A whole lot of messages telling me that I was a slut and ugly and they weren't interested anyway, or replies demanding that I explain why. A no response is often a protection strategy, as - perhaps you don't know - if you do not reply the person cannot then message again. Just block, you reply. If I have a need to block them, then I have already received something unpleasant and hurtful.

I'm sorry you get those shitty responses from douchebegs... it makes more sense now..still would like a response but I understand the rational...

[Deleted Member]

34 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

No. I used to reply no thank you to every single message that I received if I wasn't interested in chatting. Do you know what I got back? A whole lot of messages telling me that I was a slut and ugly and they weren't interested anyway, or replies demanding that I explain why. A no response is often a protection strategy, as - perhaps you don't know - if you do not reply the person cannot then message again. Just block, you reply. If I have a need to block them, then I have already received something unpleasant and hurtful.

I really understand your thinking. I don't send "no thank you" anymore, because the same reason. You are right about the protection strategy. It is sad that it has to come to this for me.

[Da****]

1 hour ago, kiseu said:

I really understand your thinking. I don't send "no thank you" anymore, because the same reason. You are right about the protection strategy. It is sad that it has to come to this for me.

I agree with you that it has become that way...

[CopperKnob]

You know, there are so many of these type of posts where either someone is commenting on the lack of effort in first messages or, where someone is commenting on the fact that they don't get responses to their first message and, always, without fail the argument is that women are rude/to blame/that there's a higher ratio of women to men 🙄
When will it sink in that what matters is effort?
Effort in the initial messsge?
Effort in the profile?
Honestly we aren't talking about cracking the vernam cipher

[is****]

Being the introvert, I never really know what to say. Yes I have tried the “Hi how are you doing?” Or make some comment to what they are looking for or a comment on their picture, and yes I keep it clean. I usually hear crickets. I’m at a loss.

[Chloebear]

Agreed, no thank you is not accepted a significant amount of the time. At best you will get back ‘why?’ Or someone trying to convince you otherwise, at worst, ***.

And btw the answer to why is: I don’t want to. I’m not obliged to respond/be attracted to or interested in you… if someone says no thank you accept it with good grace. Arguing my decision adds you to the ‘no no no, not ever’ pile.

[Cu****]

Tell me what winky pop eggplant is supposed to mean as an opener

[Feefee-4544]

Thinks telling u he has a large pemis means u will jump to believe him and chat

[ge****]

6 hours ago, islandia619 said:

Being the introvert, I never really know what to say. Yes I have tried the “Hi how are you doing?” Or make some comment to what they are looking for or a comment on their picture, and yes I keep it clean. I usually hear crickets. I’m at a loss.

Believe it or not, I'm quite an introverted person, and quickly found using sites like this that I was tongue tied when it came to sending messages to people I'd never had any interaction with before when using sites like this one, so I adapted my approach to get past it - I actually stopped using the sending blind messages method of interaction, and started using things like forums as a means to get "known" and spark conversations with others, and you know what? It worked.
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The key is figuring out what works best for you and not worrying about what works for others.
.
Even if you do insist on using the sending blind messages method, regardless of whether you are introverted or outgoing, it doesn't take a great deal to write a short tailored message that introduces yourself and invites response - it may not always get one, and that's something you have to be prepared to accept, but it stands you in better stead either way.
.
Something like:
.
"Hi,
.
Please forgive the intrusion into your inbox, but I came across your profile, and found it an interesting read that seemed to align with a lot I am hoping to find from the site, I particularly liked that
.
I'm and have been on the site for a while now, and am looking for
.
I notice that you and wondered .
.
Perhaps you'd like to take a look at my profile, and if there's a mutual interest, we could chat some more.
.
Totally understand if I'm not for you, but thanks for reading."
.
Now that's an off the top of my head example without using a specific profile, so isn't the best, but you get the idea, it took me all of two minutes to write, isn't war and peace but also isn't "Hi how are you?" - it gives the recipient at least *something* to go on and invites response.
.
Of course you also need to back it up with an interesting profile and pics to further pique interest, but that should go without saying.

[ey****]

9 hours ago, islandia619 said:

Being the introvert, I never really know what to say. Yes I have tried the “Hi how are you doing?” Or make some comment to what they are looking for or a comment on their picture, and yes I keep it clean. I usually hear crickets. I’m at a loss.

"Hi how are you doing?" boring. so many messages are a variation of that.

"What are you looking for?" often on their profile.  if not, again, so many messages are a variation of that

 

But like, without making it about you - why do you want to message them?  I know the kinda "duh - I hope we magically connect and go for coffee and then have some form of fun" but, why them, what was it about their profile or presence that made you want to message them?

[ge****]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Believe it or not, I'm quite an introverted person, and quickly found using sites like this that I was tongue tied when it came to sending messages to people I'd never had any interaction with before when using sites like this one, so I adapted my approach to get past it - I actually stopped using the sending blind messages method of interaction, and started using things like forums as a means to get "known" and spark conversations with others, and you know what? It worked.
.
The key is figuring out what works best for you and not worrying about what works for others.
.
Even if you do insist on using the sending blind messages method, regardless of whether you are introverted or outgoing, it doesn't take a great deal to write a short tailored message that introduces yourself and invites response - it may not always get one, and that's something you have to be prepared to accept, but it stands you in better stead either way.
.
Something like:
.
"Hi,
.
Please forgive the intrusion into your inbox, but I came across your profile, and found it an interesting read that seemed to align with a lot I am hoping to find from the site, I particularly liked that
.
I'm and have been on the site for a while now, and am looking for
.
I notice that you and wondered .
.
Perhaps you'd like to take a look at my profile, and if there's a mutual interest, we could chat some more.
.
Totally understand if I'm not for you, but thanks for reading."
.
Now that's an off the top of my head example without using a specific profile, so isn't the best, but you get the idea, it took me all of two minutes to write, isn't war and peace but also isn't "Hi how are you?" - it gives the recipient at least *something* to go on and invites response.
.
Of course you also need to back it up with an interesting profile and pics to further pique interest, but that should go without saying.

Just read that back and if it reads disjointed it's because at various points during the example message I had put "insert xxx here" but the site appears to have stripped them out of the post - so where there's an obvious gap that's what I meant 😉

[Fa****]

9 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Believe it or not, I'm quite an introverted person, and quickly found using sites like this that I was tongue tied when it came to sending messages to people I'd never had any interaction with before when using sites like this one, so I adapted my approach to get past it - I actually stopped using the sending blind messages method of interaction, and started using things like forums as a means to get "known" and spark conversations with others, and you know what? It worked.
.
The key is figuring out what works best for you and not worrying about what works for others.
.
Even if you do insist on using the sending blind messages method, regardless of whether you are introverted or outgoing, it doesn't take a great deal to write a short tailored message that introduces yourself and invites response - it may not always get one, and that's something you have to be prepared to accept, but it stands you in better stead either way.
.
Something like:
.
"Hi,
.
Please forgive the intrusion into your inbox, but I came across your profile, and found it an interesting read that seemed to align with a lot I am hoping to find from the site, I particularly liked that
.
I'm and have been on the site for a while now, and am looking for
.
I notice that you and wondered .
.
Perhaps you'd like to take a look at my profile, and if there's a mutual interest, we could chat some more.
.
Totally understand if I'm not for you, but thanks for reading."
.
Now that's an off the top of my head example without using a specific profile, so isn't the best, but you get the idea, it took me all of two minutes to write, isn't war and peace but also isn't "Hi how are you?" - it gives the recipient at least *something* to go on and invites response.
.
Of course you also need to back it up with an interesting profile and pics to further pique interest, but that should go without saying.

And this is why I “like” you x

[Chloebear]

I ignore ‘hi’. Where is the effort? Tell me something that makes you original or show you’ve taken interest in me as an individual, rather than any female presenting breather online at the time.

[Am****]

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?
(Not that the recipient 'owes' the sender anything just because they sent a message)

It's a tricky one, attractive women on dating apps can get dozens of messages a day (or hour) you have lives, can't be replying to every thirsty bloke.

Maybe a middle ground? Ignore the "hey there" messages, butt at least read the ones asking a question...?

Lastly a question: if a person who you thought was super sexy said "hi" would that be enough?

[Du****]

17 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?
(Not that the recipient 'owes' the sender anything just because they sent a message)

It's a tricky one, attractive women on dating apps can get dozens of messages a day (or hour) you have lives, can't be replying to every thirsty bloke.

Maybe a middle ground? Ignore the "hey there" messages, butt at least read the ones asking a question...?

Lastly a question: if a person who you thought was super sexy said "hi" would that be enough?

I love that you’re putting thought into this, and I also love your doggies and your funny socks; but no - for me, the attraction is beyond physical. No matter how sexy the sender is, if I don’t detect a formidable intellect behind it, a mere “hi” will never suffice.

[CopperKnob]

20 minutes ago, AmstelDom said:

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?
(Not that the recipient 'owes' the sender anything just because they sent a message)

It's a tricky one, attractive women on dating apps can get dozens of messages a day (or hour) you have lives, can't be replying to every thirsty bloke.

Maybe a middle ground? Ignore the "hey there" messages, butt at least read the ones asking a question...?

Lastly a question: if a person who you thought was super sexy said "hi" would that be enough?

An answer to your question, no, it's not enough. For me, they'd be relying on their looks to get a response. Looks fade. Personality may change through the life span, with age, experience, growth etc but character tends not to, they're still the same person

[Deleted Member]

What a weird experience. @Lady_Char mentions about her bad experiences  with delusional men. Yesterday, a guy sent me a second message (3 months apart) when I never responded  to the first message. He wrote "Why you don't write me back? I can guarantee you will be satisfied". Also, I understand men having freedom to look at profiles as much as they want, but more than 2  times a day. This is creepy!!  How are we suppose to tell the difference from a delusional to a level headed by a picture and a message?.

[ge****]

7 hours ago, AmstelDom said:

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?
(Not that the recipient 'owes' the sender anything just because they sent a message)

It's a tricky one, attractive women on dating apps can get dozens of messages a day (or hour) you have lives, can't be replying to every thirsty bloke.

Maybe a middle ground? Ignore the "hey there" messages, butt at least read the ones asking a question...?

Lastly a question: if a person who you thought was super sexy said "hi" would that be enough?

Question for you, how does a sender *know* a recipient hasn't read a message, let alone decided they're not interested? Even if they can somehow *know* the answer is perhaps, as a lot do, that the recipient checked out the senders profile first, and made a decision based on that - either way, no, it's not "just as rude".
.
Whichever way you look at it, the recipient didn't invite that specific message and therefore is entitled to deal with it however they choose.

[Chloebear]

8 hours ago, AmstelDom said:

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?
(Not that the recipient 'owes' the sender anything just because they sent a message)

It's a tricky one, attractive women on dating apps can get dozens of messages a day (or hour) you have lives, can't be replying to every thirsty bloke.

Maybe a middle ground? Ignore the "hey there" messages, butt at least read the ones asking a question...?

Lastly a question: if a person who you thought was super sexy said "hi" would that be enough?

As with all else, it’s down to choice and our freedom to choose rather than be obligated. Someone could write War and Peace and pay no notice to my profile, why would I reply?

I often DO reply if people make an effort and are polite. About half the time I regret that choice…. Experience teaches us how to respond and I’m not going to respond to every message to be polite to one person out of twenty who don’t return that sentiment. I wasn’t the same when I joined, it’s very much a learned response.

[CopperKnob]

"Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?"
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It's not rude. I used to respond to every message (once the fact I was new died down and the messages slowed) but an initial 'nice' message soon turns in to 💩where boundaries are ignored
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Just one example of what happens by not being rude:
I post in the forums a lot so people message me about what I write. A guy messaged saying he'd enjoyed them and that he thought of himself as a writer. He didn't however know where to share his writings.
I mentioned sharing them in the forums if they were kink related.
Next thing I know, I've got a lot of graphic erotica (porn) in my inbox.
a) I hadn't asked to read his writing
b) I hadn't asked for an explicit message containing what I imagine to be his fantasy
c) Boundaries were crossed
d) if someone can't respect my boundaries, I don't want to get to know them as a friend let alone anything else
.
So no, if I have no interest in someone's message or profile, I'm not going to respond to be 'nice' or to not be 'rude' because it's clear that by being 'nice' some of your guys feel the need to ruin it.

[ey****]

8 hours ago, AmstelDom said:

Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?

No

and here is why.

The recipient put no obligation on the sender to spend time crafting a message, or even message at all.  That is the top and bottom.  

If the sender has written a particularly long message - then expecting someone to read it is a demand for their time - and expecting a response even more so.  A kinda "I spent x minutes trying to impress you - you now owe me x minutes to read and reply" and so, yeah, it's not rude to not give time to a stranger.

Some of the best advice I had was "make it brief and make it count" and there was a lady who I was in a relationship with whose profile instructions were "keep messages below 250 words" - which sounds pedantic - but it meant you could say what was needed in 2-3 paragraphs which was easier for her to read and reply to.

Also, if she doesn't reply, for whatever reason, you don't feel like you poured hours of your life into it for someone to just go "too long" and bin it.

[Pe****]

51 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

"Often discussed. If the sender spends a good time writing out a message but the recipient decides before even reading it that they aren't interested isn't this just as rude?"
.
It's not rude. I used to respond to every message (once the fact I was new died down and the messages slowed) but an initial 'nice' message soon turns in to 💩where boundaries are ignored
.
Just one example of what happens by not being rude:
I post in the forums a lot so people message me about what I write. A guy messaged saying he'd enjoyed them and that he thought of himself as a writer. He didn't however know where to share his writings.
I mentioned sharing them in the forums if they were kink related.
Next thing I know, I've got a lot of graphic erotica (porn) in my inbox.
a) I hadn't asked to read his writing
b) I hadn't asked for an explicit message containing what I imagine to be his fantasy
c) Boundaries were crossed
d) if someone can't respect my boundaries, I don't want to get to know them as a friend let alone anything else
.
So no, if I have no interest in someone's message or profile, I'm not going to respond to be 'nice' or to not be 'rude' because it's clear that by being 'nice' some of your guys feel the need to ruin it.

Here here!!!

I can’t stand it when men start writing out detailed porn to me that is, like you say, their own fantasy. It’s repulsive to me.

They over step boundaries and limits and then cry that they don’t get anywhere on apps like this.

I actually believe that the majority of men here don’t believe themselves that women have boundaries on apps like this and this is why they get so frustrated.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, kaycie said:

I can’t stand it when men start writing out detailed porn to me that is, like you say, their own fantasy. It’s repulsive to me.

Oops!! Noted 😉🤭🤭🤣😂

[Am****]

Was only posing thoughts from other perspectives, I always enjoyed seeing every position in a discussion.
[Side note: Devil's Advocate used to be an official position in courts. Paid to disagree with every decision just for thought provoking]
There's definitely a lot of misunderstandings around this sort of thing. Some apps of this sort have an automatic reply you can click a button sending a polite but very clear "No"
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We really need to normalise "No" as a concept. Everyone should feel safe saying it all the time!
That starts with any of you who've ever argued with a "No" kinky or vanillas!
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Equally in this sort of environment newbies will often be confused about how to illustrate their strength, role and thirst in a subtle but clear way. We all make mistakes, my first munch...oof another time.
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Certainly without read receipts there's no way to tell if you've even been read, but as i said before there is no obligation even if it is read.
No more than if a person walks up in the street and says "Hi" although in the street the initiator does get immediate feedback.
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It can be regarding looks, age, roles, location or just vibe, there are many reasons to decide no or just failure to log in and see a message.
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For my own position I would define EVERY first message, regardless of length, as a hand waving in a room saying "Hey, I am interested in finding out more about you. Are you interested?"
So I would respectfully say look them over and decide if you might be.
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Disclaimer: as a very distinctive person I get stronger reactions, on dating apps I've never had hundreds of messages waiting for me.
Don't beat yourself up for having better things to do than wade through them all, but please consider them all equally.
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[I have waded through the filth of humanity from time to time - reading messages the user thought was private (until reported). There are a lot of people out there you probably don't want to know, but equally (for me) if I ask how you are, it's not empty, it's because I want to know you are healthy and happy]
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Thank you for your time