Message etiquette

[Ad****]

So, I happen to have a fair amount of experience and have put a lot of thought into this. In other mediums such as apps, sites. Or in person, I've tried a lot of different methods of starting conversations. What I have found, as a man reaching out to women, is that about 1 in 50 respond. It doesn't matter how interested I am in them. If I open with "hello" or "hi, would you like to chat?" I get the sMe 1/50 response rate as I do when crafting a thoughtful statement about something in their profile. For me the goal of the first message is always the same. I want to know if you are willing and interested in talking. I'll know more in the first 10 minutes of a back and forth conversation that I could ever know from your profile, because I'm learning first hand how you communicate. In the same way, I will know more about how compatible we are from 15 minutes in person than I will from weeks of texting.

I understand that it feels like you are just 1 of the 50 people they said Hi to. But unless your talking to the top 10% of desirable men, it is almost always true that they had to send many messages to get one response. That's not a character flaw it's just a reality. You are part of that system, in that you may only respond to 1 of every 50 messages you receive. It's just the reality of the way it works.

Furthermore, when I look through 200 profiles just to find the 50 people I will reach out to, in order to get 1 message back. The profiles really dont seem to be that different. What makes a girl stand out as special is in the way that she interacts with me when we start talking.

Also, I've asked a lot of women what noticed them to respond to me, and almost all of them either say they found me attractive or that it was based on my profile description and not based on they opening message. So I find it curious that there is a general consensus that the first message matters, but upon inquiry most people decide if they are interested based on my picture or profile. If they dont like what they see, they dont respond regardless of how clever my message.

[Deleted Member]

I'll be honest unless something sticks out about a profile that's non sexual, I'd rather stick to a boring "hey, how're you doing" than be a creep 😂 if they rguuggmmtvmess ifbsnds

[Ad****]

I want to clarify that I'm not complaining about the response rate. I'm generally happy with how things turn out on these social apps. I understand how it works, and I'm cool with it. I put in the work that's expected of me, and I meet people that I like. And if I'm not getting the responses I like, I have found there are three ways to improve that. Work on myself to improve my appearance in pictures, or work on my profile to better reflect who I am. Or work on myself so that I have more value to present in my profile. These things all seem to make dramatic difference in my rate of response. Changing my opening message seems to have little to know effect. As an experiment, I once sent about 70 people a message that was nothing but "..." And still got around 3 responses. And one of them turned into a good conversation. It just seems to be the way of things.

[Deleted Member]

If I just say hello there is a 75% chance they don't even respond maybe even higher

[Ad****]

TLDR: Yes saying "Hi" makes it feel like you are one of dozens of people they messaged. But, even if they craft a clever opening, you like ARE one of dozens. Just like most women's first response usually feels like shes responding to one of the dozens she recieved. It feels that way because it's true. And if your average guy only messaged girls he was very seriously interested in, and only 1 per day. It could be months before they get a single reply.

Most of the time, I dont even know how interested I actually am until we start talking then I find out very quickly.

[ay****]

I simply see it as 'are they willing to speak to me' not in a desperate way, but are they interested. I don't know if ill be compatible with someone unless I speak with them. I would rather they also willingly see that I'm interested and return in kind. I'm not interested in vanilla sex, or relationships so if they respond to me and we get to talking I assume they've read my profile as I though they would have read my profile before responding to me.🤷🏽

[Deleted Member]

I have to respectfully disagree with this, I used to write a quite a lot in my first message to people on here introducing myself and why I am on here and asking what they are looking for and I would never ever get replies. Now all I do is say hey, how are you? And I'm not joking I get replies 90% of the time now. I think big messages can put a lot of people off in the initial greeting phase.

[da****]

I get so menny messages from what I think are bots or fake people just just asking for *** am I the only one that gets that or is it just my luck I am truly trying to fi d the right girl to help me find out who I am and what I like tbh I don't really know and it's hard for me I'm really shy l don't really talk to woman I'm so use to being shot down and I thought this would be the place I could find someone to help me find out what and who I am a little help Here please because Idk what I am doing like I'm 34 and I have lived in the country all my life and all that is in my hometown is fealds and trees not a lot of people so if I give one word replays it's because I just really don't know what to say or how to say what I mean or what I wanna say so please bare with me and if you would be so kind and help me out and speak better then thank you so much but please don't laff at me or don't just look over me give me a chance you never know you might like what you find

[DaddyDoublestuff]

Honestly I don't understand why others have a hard time grasping the concept that not every guy is confident enough to message people online at first. I know i am not reasons why i am single number one. 2 i feel as if a guy was to make a good coherent messages you get way less replys back. Honestly i have tried putting some serious effort in first messages and get nothing back. Its disappointing when I personally fail so many times. So why put in that much effort? 9 times at of 10 people will know if they will respond based on attraction allone. is a huge ratio difference between women getting messages and men getting messages obviously

[cleverwerewolf]

Low effot messages are frustrating - and not something I would ever send. But I've had the same treatment from women on several occasions so it's not just a male thing. I'm interested to hear why you think these women feel that they don't have to make an effort - are they just playing the numbers game too?

[Deleted Member]

Yeah but when I write 50-100 word intro and still no reply that’s frustrating as well, so why bother outlying the effort in ?

[Deleted Member]

Never saw such a problem. Just like outside conversation starts with a couple words. I almost always start off with a simple greeting and sometimes an extra question or compliment. Either way, Im not getting much replies. Never understood people with mad standards for a chat... relax.

[Ge****]

Omg I soooo agree! Almost as bad as the first message simply saying “wanna meet?” - bye 👋🏻

[Deleted Member]

Totally agree as 99% of messages I receive are just "hey" "hi" or "hello" doesn't give a lot to work with, I always ask questions initially even if it's something random like "what dinosaur would you be and why?"🤓

[jo****]

I agree. It's hard when a guy puts some thought into his first message but gets repeatedly ignored. Why bother making the effort

[ge****]

I find it interesting that the majority of responses defending just saying "hi" or "hey" are men and then go on to justify it by saying things like "why put the effort in if a response is unlikely" or "if I put effort into sending 70 messages but don't get a reply why make the effort" etc.
.
Respectfully gents I'd suggest you are missing the point and have the wrong approach - while I understand that it's frustrating to not get a reply to a message, that's the nature of sites like this - but likewise if you're blanket bombing anyone local to you with messages in the hope of getting a reply, is it really a surprise the majority don't respond, regardless of whether it's a simple "hi" or something more detailed?
It suggests you're not interested in the person, but just the possibility of meeting someone, anyone.
.
Now there's a balance to be struck between a simple "hi" and sending War And Peace - but perhaps if you stuck to those profiles that genuinely interested you and you took time to craft something specific to those profiles, rather than sending out random messages simply because the other person happens to be of the gender you are looking for you may have more joy.
.
And you also have to remember that everyone is different, some people will respond to a simple "hi", others may want something more, so again it comes down to finding a balance that works for you.
.
Having spent many years on sites like this I've actually learned that sending "cold" messages to those I've had no prior interaction with is probably the hardest approach to follow, because you are fishing in a lake with limited fish in it, most of whom don't like the bait you are using - so you have to either accept your chances are slim, or find a different bait.
.
To those that say "in the real world you don't give a long detailed introduction" absolutely you don't - but in the real world you are there face to face with a person and have the immediacy of a conversation sparking with the benefit of being able to see the person and gauge reactions and conversation being able to flow or not from there - on-line you don't have that and the recipient has very little to go on to decide if they want to continue the conversation, so by sending more than a simple "hi" you're giving them that "something more".
.
Ultimately there's no right way that will work every time - so it comes down to finding "your" way and if it works for you and you are happy with it that's all that matters.

[ey****]

I kinda realise I have a conversation going with someone which did loosely start with a "How are you?" - I mean, not quite.   In this case she had already liked a couple of my pics and reading her profile there were a couple of things where I felt there was a big potential for overlap.   And I was sitting wanting to message her and I'm like "How the f**k do I start this?" and a lot of my previous logic all went out the window

So I thanked her for the loves and welcomed her to the site - she replied with a 'how are you?' and we got a little conversation going.  

I think there was a bit context there that she had already shown somewhat of an interest - we might have got talking and found we had nothing in common - I think if I just messaged a complete stranger I stumbled upon then getting a conversation might have been more difficult.

I do think messaging can be difficult, for sure.  And... the thing is of course - sending a message can be difficult but is also kinda requesting labour from the other person (I say this - there are a couple of folk I regularly chat with on here for craic or questions or such - and I don't see chatting with you as 'work' I enjoy it) 

You send someone a "Hey" for example and now for them to do anything other than ignoring this they likely have to go to your profile, assess if they are interested at all in you, if they might be you've then put the work onto them to create something conversational.  Which makes it sometimes no wonder people don't reply if they feel they have to work for the attention of someone who contacted them in the first place to "just be nice" or some s**t

[sm****]

I always find if they don't put any effort in or bother to read through a profile and elaborate on any things that both enjoy or relate to they just are not worth perusing.

I do answer all contacts but if all you get are stock answers or two word replies it's not relevant to anything in encouraging decent communication i stop, it's hard for both sides to continue without a relevant topic or theme.

I do get a few who contact are needing some information about the scene and not wanting a relationship and im always happy to answer their questions, but i never expect a continuing conversation on most of these.

The other type i get are those that hope to engage in their "professional way" as they have the $ status and hope to drum up some work.

The highly annoying thing though both male and female get are they "hey how's you" and if you don't reply instantly get blocked, but that's the nature of the internet im sad to say.

Lots seem shy or lost for words trying to carry on a conversation, but if there isn't anything in either profile to elaborate on in the first instance, it can be virtually impossible to reply to.

Not all are like this, i have broken the ice in the past over the years and put a curve ball question to see if that peeks any further correspondence and this has lead into friendships be it online or r/l.

Likewise if i have responded i can usually leave it a day or two for a response, some people can't spend lots of time online or im just not interesting enough and they have moved on.  But after a few days with no contact i'll not continue, it can feel like desperation or stalking, if it's a one way situation and contact is repeated without any response.

 

[sp****]

Simple hi or hello will be ignored by most people. You need to have something that catches attention and sets you apart

[Deleted Member]

I know that there is going to be a lot of people on this app who have put a lot of attention and detail into their first message to someone they are interested in on here only for it to be read and blanked. Does anyone feel that it's etiquette to read and ignore someone's message because you felt like it wasn't to a high enough standard for you?

[Deleted Member]

Also does attractiveness have an influence? If someone who you thought wasn't very attractive approached with a very well thought through opening message, would you be more likely to reply to them over someone who you thought was very attractive just simply saying "hello 👋"?

[ge****]

43 minutes ago, TrynaFindBubba said:

I know that there is going to be a lot of people on this app who have put a lot of attention and detail into their first message to someone they are interested in on here only for it to be read and blanked. Does anyone feel that it's etiquette to read and ignore someone's message because you felt like it wasn't to a high enough standard for you?

The thing is both "effort" and "interest" are subjective things - ultimately it's down to the *recipient* of the message to decide if they consider the level of effort is enough to spark their interest enough to reply, not the sender of the message.
.
If the sender of the message thinks otherwise then it suggests a level of entitlement and incorrectly set expectations on their part.
.
It really doesn't matter how interested the sender of the message is, it's about how interested the recipient is, and if they're not, it really doesn't matter whether you've sent a simple "hi" or a well crafted message tailored to the recipient, it won't make the slightest difference.

[Hy****]

There's something unsettling about just saying "hello" or even worse "Hi". It's just so empty. I don't respond because it's creepy. like, what do you want? Why are you texting me? Just say more, please.

[ge****]

32 minutes ago, TrynaFindBubba said:

Also does attractiveness have an influence? If someone who you thought wasn't very attractive approached with a very well thought through opening message, would you be more likely to reply to them over someone who you thought was very attractive just simply saying "hello 👋"?

Of course attraction comes into it - but that can be on many levels and not just physical, but again it's a subjective thing.
.
Ultimately a recipient will either deem a message worthy of a reply or they won't - and their reasons for doing so or not could vary wildly too - no amount of analysis will cover all of those varieties either.
.
The best thing anyone can do is accept they won't always get a reply to messages sent, especially blindly to someone they've had no previous interaction with - no end of analysis or bemoaning lack of replies will change a thing.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, TrynaFindBubba said:

I know that there is going to be a lot of people on this app who have put a lot of attention and detail into their first message to someone they are interested in on here only for it to be read and blanked. Does anyone feel that it's etiquette to read and ignore someone's message because you felt like it wasn't to a high enough standard for you?

So in short - no, because it's still a demand.

There's a couple of ladies I can think of (one of which I played with a few times; another who I was in a relationship) who had very simple guides on how they like to be contacted

One was a very basic "make it brief but make it count" the other advised she wouldn't read any messages that were more than 250 words.

In some ways this seems harsh - but in another, you send someone a long message - that they didn't ask for - and it flashes like a wall of text that can be laborious and chunky just to read - sometimes it almost feels like it needs a proper response which people don't always have time for so it then ends up sliding and being forgotten about

But certainly I think if you can't learn how to introduce yourself in a paragraph then that might be a bigger learning step that wasting your time and theirs writing war and peace - nor writing something throwaway which might feel like they're going to get stuck in small talk hell

Because then if you can learn how to do this - then reaching out to others rarely feels like a chore that you 'have' to put time and effort in

"Hi there,
I saw your profile and that you're local to me, have you been to any of the munches - I haven't been but heard they're good.
I can see you're into popular TV show, I'm enjoying that also - have you seen the spin off series?

It'd be lovely to chat sometime - you can find a bit more about me from my profile which isn't massively long but has some of my likes.  Hope you have a good day and hopefully speak later"

That's something I just wrote off the cuff, low effort, doesn't info dump, has some conversation points and shows you've read their profile and other bits can be changeable depending on why you thought they in-particular might be a match or someone who may wish to chat with you.

"local and kinky" alone is seldom enough