Message etiquette

[Fa****]

14 hours ago, lvlrBraveheart said:

I feel like the reason men and women only give short messages is because of the lack of response. I give you some detailed idea of what I'm looking for that's well thought out and respectful and I get no response or no thanks'd or my favorite - sorry I don't like bald guys.. = )

The value of an app like this is being able to communicate easily and having a conversation before you take the leap to invest yourself into someone in an alternative relationship and by choosing to be turned off by a lack of detail in intial communication is only limiting yourself.

Real life interactions don't start off with a monologue about who you are and what your looking for. They start out with someone being friendly to you and you taking that chance to be friendly in return. A simple compliment or helpful gesture.

It's always your choice how to interact and its your right to look down on people who don't put effort out intially. Think about how many times you've reached out and gotten ghosted, ignored, or told thanks I'm good then think about your choice to do the same to others.

I like this. Thank you for making me think about the messages I receive in an alternative way. I’m aware that might sound sarcastic - it definitely isn’t. 

I love the beauty of posting things on sites like this and people with alternative views taking the time to respond and having the ability to make me open my mind x

[se****]

Gemini_man "It really doesn't matter how interested the sender of the message is, it's about how interested the Recipient is, and if they're not, it really doesn't matter whether you've sent a simple "hi" or a well crafted message tailored to the recipient, it won't make the slightest difference."... He is very accurate on this!! It is a hard pill to swallow, but reality. As a woman/person I go through this as well. I get disappointed, but fully understand and RESPECT I am not every man's flavor. My only complaint is when people behave "not nicely" without reason.

[Fa****]

13 hours ago, AmericanViking said:

This has become a a concept unique to online dating. When encountering people in the real world we do not go into elaborate detail of why we are talking to that individual without a response first. If the persons profile is also blank, then I get the frustration. In kink where communication and mutual consent is key, I am puzzled why this has become such a large faux pas. Treat people how you would if you had to meet them face to face, that includes waiting to immediately blurt out obscene desires within 2 seconds or saying hi or pulling out your junk. If a person says hi, why not be the better person and just say hi as well. Perhaps you’ll be pleasantly surprised one day

Because, I’m my experience where the initial contact is simply “hi” if I respond the conversation NEVER goes anywhere. 

“hi

 hi

 how are you?

 Good thanks, you?

 I’m ok. 

what you up to?

 Not much really just (x, y, z). You?

 Not a lot. I’m horny, wanna play, meet up, speak on Snapchat, help me cum etc, etc.”

I’ve found the people who take time to send a genuine message or interact in some other way first (like for example on a forum thread) are the ones who don’t act like this. 

I am however prepared to acknowledge this is simply my limited experience and I could just have been unfortunate x

[Fa****]

12 hours ago, babyboy_izzy said:

In the real world, most start off a conversation by "hello" or "hi". It is simple and brief. It allows someone else to get a word in to form a real conversation. Though, I understand that those words are used more than often, it usually holds the best format for conversation. One might think they are giving a compliment to another on something they make note of from their observations but, who is to say the other person would feel the same? Something as simple as the look of my arms for example, make me uncomfortable. Someone saying something nice about my arms may seem like a compliment from one end, but not on the other. I figure you will say "just don't show your arms"- or something along those lines... I do not have to display my arms but, sometimes when seasons change, some clothes become too heavy or too light for the environment. We as living beings, adapt to our environments. Back to my initial thought, I happen to say "hello" to start a conversation. I also start conversations being more detailed. Neither way is better than the other. Sometimes one may be frustrated by one type of greeting, and others by the other type. Over the internet, we struggle most here to find the appropriate words and phrases to not offend someone. Text does not convey the same tone as someone speaking to you. The generic approach may seem "overly done" to you but, may be someone else's way of doing their best to not insult you.

The difference between hi in real life and online is that huge, massive thing of non verbal communication which simply doesn’t exist online x

[Fa****]

12 hours ago, YesDaddyYes said:

Your post is totally relatable. Effort is everything. My pet peeve is when I receive messages referring to themselves as my 'Daddy' etc as an opener or something overtly sexual. I get that it's a kink site but my page has more about me than that. Do you have the same issue too?

I do indeed. And/or overly sexual messages. 
 

Maybe I need to adjust my standards 🤔🤔🤔

 Seriously though, I just want to know why someone contacted me, I want to feel unique - perhaps I’m too needy xx

[Fa****]

7 hours ago, gemini_man said:

I find it interesting that the majority of responses defending just saying "hi" or "hey" are men and then go on to justify it by saying things like "why put the effort in if a response is unlikely" or "if I put effort into sending 70 messages but don't get a reply why make the effort" etc.
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Respectfully gents I'd suggest you are missing the point and have the wrong approach - while I understand that it's frustrating to not get a reply to a message, that's the nature of sites like this - but likewise if you're blanket bombing anyone local to you with messages in the hope of getting a reply, is it really a surprise the majority don't respond, regardless of whether it's a simple "hi" or something more detailed?
It suggests you're not interested in the person, but just the possibility of meeting someone, anyone.
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Now there's a balance to be struck between a simple "hi" and sending War And Peace - but perhaps if you stuck to those profiles that genuinely interested you and you took time to craft something specific to those profiles, rather than sending out random messages simply because the other person happens to be of the gender you are looking for you may have more joy.
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And you also have to remember that everyone is different, some people will respond to a simple "hi", others may want something more, so again it comes down to finding a balance that works for you.
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Having spent many years on sites like this I've actually learned that sending "cold" messages to those I've had no prior interaction with is probably the hardest approach to follow, because you are fishing in a lake with limited fish in it, most of whom don't like the bait you are using - so you have to either accept your chances are slim, or find a different bait.
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To those that say "in the real world you don't give a long detailed introduction" absolutely you don't - but in the real world you are there face to face with a person and have the immediacy of a conversation sparking with the benefit of being able to see the person and gauge reactions and conversation being able to flow or not from there - on-line you don't have that and the recipient has very little to go on to decide if they want to continue the conversation, so by sending more than a simple "hi" you're giving them that "something more".
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Ultimately there's no right way that will work every time - so it comes down to finding "your" way and if it works for you and you are happy with it that's all that matters.

Yep. 

What they said (and said much better than I said it) 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
 

Thank you xx

[Fa****]

5 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I kinda realise I have a conversation going with someone which did loosely start with a "How are you?" - I mean, not quite.   In this case she had already liked a couple of my pics and reading her profile there were a couple of things where I felt there was a big potential for overlap.   And I was sitting wanting to message her and I'm like "How the f**k do I start this?" and a lot of my previous logic all went out the window

So I thanked her for the loves and welcomed her to the site - she replied with a 'how are you?' and we got a little conversation going.  

I think there was a bit context there that she had already shown somewhat of an interest - we might have got talking and found we had nothing in common - I think if I just messaged a complete stranger I stumbled upon then getting a conversation might have been more difficult.

I do think messaging can be difficult, for sure.  And... the thing is of course - sending a message can be difficult but is also kinda requesting labour from the other person (I say this - there are a couple of folk I regularly chat with on here for craic or questions or such - and I don't see chatting with you as 'work' I enjoy it) 

You send someone a "Hey" for example and now for them to do anything other than ignoring this they likely have to go to your profile, assess if they are interested at all in you, if they might be you've then put the work onto them to create something conversational.  Which makes it sometimes no wonder people don't reply if they feel they have to work for the attention of someone who contacted them in the first place to "just be nice" or some s**t

This is what I mean by there being something initial. 

My last (first/only) D/s relationship began on another site (that you are also a member of - not stalking I promise x) and began with “banter” on one of my writings and then him alerting me to the fact that someone was a predator. 

It moved to private message and our easy chat continued and blossomed. 

Having an initial “something” is always a good start point x

[BigPolly]

I just find one word introductions lazy & rude & where as I’m like you & I would have never have messaged someone first, equally if someone is going to say ‘hi’ then why not follow it up with at least ‘how are you…’
It’s strange because even though I’d never entertain anyone way younger than me, for me it’s often been the younger generation that will actually say hello with a decent sentence or introduction.
The gentleman I’m with came into my DMs with a beautiful introduction & it was such a rarity to see that even though I wasn’t looking for anyone at the time, it would’ve been rude not to reply & before I knew it we were laughing all the way to playtime!

[ge****]

The other thing to consider in all this is compatability - and that's something that is overlooked when it comes to message content type threads - as I said further up, some people are happy with a simple "hi" to establish contact, others prefer something more substantial - then you have the thing of whether messages flow naturally off the back of the initial messages - all of those are indications of ultimate compatibility in this on-line world we inhabit.
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Just as in the real world conversations with some people can be awkward and stilted, the same can apply here, and it's neither person being in the wrong as such, more a sign you're not compatible

[Je****]

This drives me mad haha. One of my pet hates.
As some others said. I want a message with substance, intrigue and respect.
I give those to people I approach. Or even just a compliment to be kind with no motive in it.
Some people are lazy and do clutch for whatever looks in their direction and for me, it's the biggest turn off.


If I am approached by someone, I check them out and see if they fit my match, kinks, personality and interests and well as physical.
If so I check their profiles deeper. Any kinda forum interactions and I keep an eye open if I notice status updates etc. But I also peep the message reader bit.... the info..
If someone has sent like 4 messages fine. Great.
Someone has sent 187 messages and 1 reply... they're trying to hook... and me... im no big fish. Hard pass.

Profiles are everything on here.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Freetobare said:

I do indeed. And/or overly sexual messages. 
 

Maybe I need to adjust my standards 🤔🤔🤔

 Seriously though, I just want to know why someone contacted me, I want to feel unique - perhaps I’m too needy xx

It's grim. No sod that. You have every right to want someone to go the same amount of effort you do when you send the initial message. You hit the nail on the head. I don't think it's needy at all to want someone to go to the effort. I think we all want to feel special or noticed for things other than our looks or our hanky spanky preferences. 

It's interesting how the experiences of men differ from ours when it comes to online dating too.x

 

[SubFU]

I dont agree,people interact in so many different ways.I think an open mind is more important that a trivial interaction of hi and how are you.Which can be weak as ditch water.Somebody wants to message me witth something sexual and saucy,let them,its a free country and i have more respect for my fellow woman and man,i wont ignore you or make you feel less :-) x

[ey****]

5 minutes ago, SubFU said:

I dont agree,people interact in so many different ways.I think an open mind is more important that a trivial interaction of hi and how are you.Which can be weak as ditch water.Somebody wants to message me witth something sexual and saucy,let them,its a free country and i have more respect for my fellow woman and man,i wont ignore you or make you feel less :-) x

gonna tell you a little secret.

I won't lie... there are ladies on here who I would be totally made up if they came into my inbox sharing a fantasy of things they wanted to do with me - but there's reasons why it probably wouldn't happen.  If it did happen, mind, I'd probably wonder if they'd been hacked or if someone was trolling or having a joke

Mind
If a lady came into my inbox and said "hey" and didn't know what else to say, I would probably check out her profile and maybe get back to her

And I think most (straight) men probably feel the same.   

However.... how often does this happen a day, a week, a month? Very rare if at all.

Compared to how often this happens to women.  

 

[Ad****]

Look. I know there are a reasonable number of people who just say Hi, and will be perfectly happy to build on to a bigger conversation if they get a response. Of course everyone is entitled to their preference. But to say "hi" or "hello" is lazy, when a person is expected to initiate dozens of contacts with no response at all... coming from people who get contacted dozens of times a day and cant be bothered to make any response at all. I think both sides just need to have a little more compassion and understanding for what they are expecting of the other people. Some men just need to accept that they are expected to put in all the footwork. No one cares how imbalanced it is, just deal with it and send your one word openers, or do more if you want to. And if your going to ask guys "why" they send a one worn opener, then maybe listen to the reason and learn from it instead of just telling them they are wrong.

[Fa****]

17 minutes ago, Adventure101 said:

Look. I know there are a reasonable number of people who just say Hi, and will be perfectly happy to build on to a bigger conversation if they get a response. Of course everyone is entitled to their preference. But to say "hi" or "hello" is lazy, when a person is expected to initiate dozens of contacts with no response at all... coming from people who get contacted dozens of times a day and cant be bothered to make any response at all. I think both sides just need to have a little more compassion and understanding for what they are expecting of the other people. Some men just need to accept that they are expected to put in all the footwork. No one cares how imbalanced it is, just deal with it and send your one word openers, or do more if you want to. And if your going to ask guys "why" they send a one worn opener, then maybe listen to the reason and learn from it instead of just telling them they are wrong.

I am listening to the reasons. As I’ve said in more than one reply where I’ve thanked people for opening my eyes with their reasoning etc

[Deleted Member]

Mmmm yes, starting a message with "look" is guaranteed to get people in the mood to agree with you ...

Hi is lazy. And it's impersonal. It's chucking a handful of bait in the water to see if *anything* bites. What is the person supposed to say back? Oh, right, *they* are meant to get the conversation off the ground.

It's the equivalent of chucking a bit of your lunch at the person you fancy in the cafeteria. At attention grabber that puts in no effort bc if kathy does nothing more than give you a dubious look over her shoulder, you can shrug and go back to your fries and say, "I didn't like her anyway".

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, TrynaFindBubba said:

I know that there is going to be a lot of people on this app who have put a lot of attention and detail into their first message to someone they are interested in on here only for it to be read and blanked. Does anyone feel that it's etiquette to read and ignore someone's message because you felt like it wasn't to a high enough standard for you?

If someone has put, hell even a mediocre effort into messaging me, I will always respond with a polite no thanks. But if I'm not interested in the person (because of distance, age, attraction, roles, the way they describe themselves in the profile) no well-crafted message is going to change that.

[Deleted Member]

If your profile is empty what else do you expect? 99% of the profiles I have looked at have basically no content or description of the person or what they want. If you want more than "hi" offer more yourself. 

[ey****]

47 minutes ago, Adventure101 said:

I think both sides just need to have a little more compassion and understanding for what they are expecting of the other people. Some men just need to accept that they are expected to put in all the footwork. No one cares how imbalanced it is, just deal with it and send your one word openers, or do more if you want to. And if your going to ask guys "why" they send a one worn opener, then maybe listen to the reason and learn from it instead of just telling them they are wrong.

I think in order for this to work in a 'both sides' situation the sender needs to know their hey/hi is never going to end well and they can learn why

that a lot of people find it lazy and others, who maybe do sit and think compassionately "reaching out is hard" and reply, often up carrying the conversation or it getting inappropriate quickly.   They know replying to the person is going to be hard work - so - why?  Why not save for someone who is going to at least offer up a couple of lines

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

If your profile is empty what else do you expect? 99% of the profiles I have looked at have basically no content or description of the person or what they want. If you want more than "hi" offer more yourself. 

if a profile is empty - why are you messaging them?  there is clearly nothing there that made you go "ooh, this person seems interesting" so messaging them ends up stinking of desperation

the people with little/no content are either

a: too lazy to fill something in - so why would you contact them?

b: finding their feet and not yet sure/ready on partaking - so - again, of course, you know nothing about them so there is pretty much no reason to message them

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if a profile is empty - why are you messaging them?  there is clearly nothing there that made you go "ooh, this person seems interesting" so messaging them ends up stinking of desperation

the people with little/no content are either

a: too lazy to fill something in - so why would you contact them?

b: finding their feet and not yet sure/ready on partaking - so - again, of course, you know nothing about them so there is pretty much no reason to message them

Oh I thought he was saying what do you expect but no response when you message hi and then when the recipient looks at the profile, there's nothing there?

[Ad****]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if a profile is empty - why are you messaging them?  there is clearly nothing there that made you go "ooh, this person seems interesting" so messaging them ends up stinking of desperation

the people with little/no content are either

a: too lazy to fill something in - so why would you contact them?

b: finding their feet and not yet sure/ready on partaking - so - again, of course, you know nothing about them so there is pretty much no reason to message them

Or, maybe long openers and detailed profiles are not everyone's cup of tea. Some people may actually prefer to get to know someone by having a conversation. The elitism in this thread is unreal.

[SubFU]

At the end of the day why does spelling a name wrong matter.I dont think a spelling mistake by the sender means that sender is incapable of strong emotions and honesty to the recipient of their message.How boring the world would be if we all were so perfect.The message its self is the main attraction.Our imperfections,mistakes,call them what you will,are what makes us beautiful,sexy,unique.I am not arsed if someone gets my name right.Send me a message,long,short,indifferent and i will be joyous that you took the time to message me.Lets just enjoy each others imperfections and not get hung up on boring ettiquete(oh dear hope i spelt it right or people will judge me or worse ignore me!!! LoL)

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if a profile is empty - why are you messaging them?  there is clearly nothing there that made you go "ooh, this person seems interesting" so messaging them ends up stinking of desperation

the people with little/no content are either

a: too lazy to fill something in - so why would you contact them?

b: finding their feet and not yet sure/ready on partaking - so - again, of course, you know nothing about them so there is pretty much no reason to message them

So you're saying nobody should message OP? 

[ey****]

4 minutes ago, Adventure101 said:

Or, maybe long openers and detailed profiles are not everyone's cup of tea. Some people may actually prefer to get to know someone by having a conversation. The elitism in this thread is unreal.

no one needs a long or detailed profile

Y'know, it's true - of course, people DO want to get to know people through having a conversation, of course.  Pretty much ALL people.

Like, I did miss out two more scenarios for blank profiles

3 : holding accounts for scammers

4 : people doing social experiments to see how many messages they get just by putting up a blank profile that says F

Usually it's easier to have a conversation to get to know someone if you can at least see something in common first.