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Please don't call me a Dom


NarcissisticLove

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NarcissisticLove
Posted

I think i want to premise this by saying I am a Dom, that is to say im a Dominant type, but my issue stems from what that means.
With time comes change and being in my mid 30s means im obligated to dislike the actions of the younger generation, to say everything was better when i was younger, my issue is that today's idea of what a Dom is, is not what i strive to be.

I have met so many "DOMs", hell im even friends with some, who think taking the title of Dom is just a short cut to getting laid.
That pulling hair and talking dirty means they can demand subs to sleep with them, and sadly this actually works, but like a domesticated animal who kills a small animal then has no idea what to do next, these Doms are just playing, and they are playing with real people with real feelings and needs and bodies.
And when you just go through the motions you neglect what it actually means to be a Dom.
This here is bad for me, you hurt the name Dom, you hurt the community and you cause subs to lose faith.

Ive spoken to friends about this, some only 5, 6, 7 years younger and they hate the idea of rules and responsibilities. My best friend describes himself as a switch, because sometimes he likes to be in control of sex, sometimes he likes her to take control.. i asked if this applies to the relationship too? He said "what do you mean?" I didnt say it at the time, but i wanted to tell him its not the dynamic he loves, its sex!

There is a pool of people who all want to have sex, some who are too insecure to make a move, and those who are too socially inept to court a person, and these people have decided its easier to take the title of Dom or sub than learn to grow themselves.

Time after time i show how detached from the younger scene when i talk about BDSM checklists, or limits, to only be met with blank stares and scrunched up faces saying having guidelines and paperwork just ruins it all.
Am i really so uncool for wanting to know upfront what my partner expects? If im about to assault someone? If my partner is even safe?

This is a 2 sided coin, the subs are just as troublesome. "Do what you want" can be sexy, but in reality what i want might not be acceptable, or within my skill limits, what i want is to not go to prison.

I come across so many jaded people with so many bad stories and they are all talking about Doms, about me, what i identify as. I laugh and bite my tongue everytime im about to say "but im different, im not like the other guys" but its true, because i dont want to be a Dom, i already get enough stick for being a Predictor ūüėÖūüėÖ
Where are all my old school kinkers at?

Posted

Now I'm older than you again (40) and for me - I have less problems with different generations.  

A lot of the whole concepts and 'rules' and 'protocols' around BDSM are actually in their infancy - a lot of what any of us follow is rather cherry picked and bastardised.  When actually what work on paper isn't what works in reality.

The whole concept of "old school" is also fairly meaningless because different communities had different rules or structures based on territory.   

So for me a lot isn't about generations or anything but what works for you.  And what works for you is likely to be a cherry picked version of different rules or structures - and that's OK.

---

Of course there will be people who call themselves Dominant because they think it will get them laid faster but it rarely does... unless of course they're in their 50s and 60s and can look a certain part. I've seen a few come along and bullshit the whole "I was there" thing and people who've fallen for it.  This isn't a generational issue but a... some people don't tell the full truth... issue

--

Equally of course, it easy to judge people by what you see on the surface, rather than what goes on in private.  But, equally, what someone else does or appears to do largely has little impact on you.  "Oh, but everyone is a Dominant these days and they give it a bad name" - no, the bad ones give themselves a bad name - subs who subscribe to the same views as you do will be interested in your dynamic.

One of the best things about the internet in my view is it has allowed people with different ideas and dynamics to come together and in some cases this has been good for a sharing of ideas but in others it's meant that people who maybe enjoy being a sub but something doesn't sit right for them have been able to find it doesn't have to be how they've been told.  

 

Posted
From what you're saying, i'm hearing that you're seeing a lack of respect/manners/understanding as per your perspective
But, I can truly confirm that this is not a generational concern. As an example, today someone in their 60's gave me their overview of kink which they would have got from a basic google search or reading forums here. They then continued to dictate our (non existant) dynamic which was basically a list of his wants and expectations of me.

I don't know what the driver is and I guess it differs in different people regardless of gender but, I think it comes down to a poor understanding that BDSM means different things to different people and each dynamic will be different based upon the individuals within it.
Posted
15 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Now I'm older than you again (40) and for me - I have less problems with different generations.  

A lot of the whole concepts and 'rules' and 'protocols' around BDSM are actually in their infancy - a lot of what any of us follow is rather cherry picked and bastardised.  When actually what work on paper isn't what works in reality.

The whole concept of "old school" is also fairly meaningless because different communities had different rules or structures based on territory.   

So for me a lot isn't about generations or anything but what works for you.  And what works for you is likely to be a cherry picked version of different rules or structures - and that's OK.

---

Of course there will be people who call themselves Dominant because they think it will get them laid faster but it rarely does... unless of course they're in their 50s and 60s and can look a certain part. I've seen a few come along and bullshit the whole "I was there" thing and people who've fallen for it.  This isn't a generational issue but a... some people don't tell the full truth... issue

--

Equally of course, it easy to judge people by what you see on the surface, rather than what goes on in private.  But, equally, what someone else does or appears to do largely has little impact on you.  "Oh, but everyone is a Dominant these days and they give it a bad name" - no, the bad ones give themselves a bad name - subs who subscribe to the same views as you do will be interested in your dynamic.

One of the best things about the internet in my view is it has allowed people with different ideas and dynamics to come together and in some cases this has been good for a sharing of ideas but in others it's meant that people who maybe enjoy being a sub but something doesn't sit right for them have been able to find it doesn't have to be how they've been told.  

 

I want you to know I had a while list of things to say after reading his post and I was good and fired up to do it..... and then I read every point I was going to make and more in your argument. As one Top to another sir I bow to your eloquence.

Posted

The terminology that surrounds BDSM is so ridiculous and cheesy. I would prefer being called a bondage enthusiast, metal kinkster, basically anything besides dom or "dominant".  

Honestly my future wife will probably spend more time telling me what to do. 

Posted
I am a Dominant and I am proud of what I am.

There are many others who may have taken short cuts, count themselves Dominants for different motivations. I will also grant you there are a good number of wannabes and asshats who use the same title.

The thing about a title is it can describe who you think you authentically are and it can also be used to hide who you are.

The best titles we have are given to us by our partners, they know us best. In which case I am a Daddy Dom.

No matter what everyone else does it cannot effect who you are and what you do. Calling a dog a cat does not make it a cat.
Posted
Many people think that they are a "Dom" just because they like kinky sex. They don't understand that that doesn't make them a Dom, that makes them a kinkster (which is absolutely fine). A Dominant has great responsability by leading, teaching and guiding his/her submissive to become the best version of themselves in life; a Dom helps a submissive blossom.
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