New sub….is my dom asking too much of me?

[Deleted Member]

Hi I am a relatively new sub and learning each day about  this lifestyle.  My dom is long distance and we have only chatted online so far.  
Basically I am doing each task as he asks but sometimes I mess up misreading his messages or he thinks I’m dumb.  He punishes me but then it’s not forgotten about it.  I complete each task but then he will give me another task which I feel is more degrading and demoralising.  I tend to get silent treatment a lot with not much explanation.  The rewards I am told I will get do not come about either. 
example; expected to suck another guy off and show him.  Being new to this, is this normal behaviour from a dom to his sub? I’m very confused at the moment.

[ca****]

"Silent treatment" = run!

[Th****]

If you're not comfortable with it, then the answer is yes. There needs to be mutual respect within all dynamics. Doesn't sound as though there is much going on here.

[TeeJay_98]

The fact your asking shows.. Deep down you know its not right. Bin him. You deserve to be treated like a human. Not am object for his selfish gratification

[Harderplay]

Your instinct is telling you something - listen to it. The internet is so very full of aspirational doms, easy to lie about experience. As far as normal behaviour, normal is subjective. But if you have doubts, or isn’t fulfilling your needs as a sub it’s probably not going to get better but worse.

[Deleted Member]

As someone who has been in a similar situations.. run!! There’s a lot of red flags from what you’ve stated! Go with your gut instinct. A true / real dom would never do this. Feel free to message me if you have any more concerns or questions :)

[Co****]

You are not a slave you are a sub. You have rights. If you not happy leave him there's plenty out there. Sounds to me he is inexperienced Dom

[Deleted Member]

Major red flags, a real Dom should never give silent treatment as it leaves you to become anxious and blame yourself. Also a Dom will push your limits but gently and if you say you are not ok with it they should respect that. That is why we have safe words ect. This guy is a manipulator and should be avoided!

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, darksoul93 said:

As someone who has been in a similar situations.. run!! There’s a lot of red flags from what you’ve stated! Go with your gut instinct. A true / real dom would never do this. Feel free to message me if you have any more concerns or questions :)

Can you message me please? I’ve tried to message you and it won’t let me xxx

[Deleted Member]

Lots of red flags, end it.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for all of your replies I will take this on board.  I am blaming myself but the more I read I’m realising I’m maybe being taken for a ride here and being fed a fantasy he can’t commit to 

[Deleted Member]

Oh wow! Hell NO! Not normal I agree 100% with masked Dom-my Dom never gives me much timeto myself us Subs tend to overthink and read too much into s*** when we're left to our own mind and cause more issues LMAO...so yes I agree with that completely but also not dropping things after a punishment is a red flag as well or if you've done what you're asked or you're trying your best that should be enough to it should be a gentle lead-in on the Dom's part ...especially if you've never done this before

[Lord_Talion]

If you think it's degrading and you don't like that, red flag.
Thats normal behavior of an ubber-dom, red flag.

[CopperKnob]

Others have pretty much covered it but, the relationship between Dom and sub is based on communication and respect for each others limits.
Questions to ask yourself
- what have you discussed with each other in terms of rewards/punishments/tasks
- do you get the opportunity to negotiate different elements of the relationship
- what is this relationship based on
- what are your and their limits
- what are you getting out of this relationship
- where is the relationship headed
-are you into ***/***. If not don't do it
If your gut is telling you somethings not right, enough to ask others the question you have, you already know the answer and I guess you have two options
-negotiate for a relationship that you want/is two way
- end it
Trust your gut, it'll be right 99.9% of the time

[Cr****]

I was taken for a bit of a ride as well recently, I think the important thing to keep in mind that a dom has the responsibility of making his/her sub comfortable and feel safe. You are putting your trust in someone, and your post tells me he's not doing these things.

Just because you're a sub doesn't mean anyone has the right over you like that and you shouldn't feel shame. There was a post recently you should check out called 'Common scammer Red flags' check that out.

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Lord_Talion said:

If you think it's degrading and you don't like that, red flag.
Thats normal behavior of an ubber-dom, red flag.

Can you describe an ubber-dom please? 

[Je****]

1 hour ago, SubS39 said:

Hi I am a relatively new sub and learning each day about  this lifestyle.  My dom is long distance and we have only chatted online so far.  
Basically I am doing each task as he asks but sometimes I mess up misreading his messages or he thinks I’m dumb.  He punishes me but then it’s not forgotten about it.  I complete each task but then he will give me another task which I feel is more degrading and demoralising.  I tend to get silent treatment a lot with not much explanation.  The rewards I am told I will get do not come about either. 
example; expected to suck another guy off and show him.  Being new to this, is this normal behaviour from a dom to his sub? I’m very confused at the moment.

Nothing about this is safe or okay or respectful. 

 

I'd be getting rid. 

[Deleted Member]

If you have questions like this situation, and don't really know members personally... ask the "Greeters"! They are helpful and knowledgeable

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, kiseu said:

If you have questions like this situation, and don't really know members personally... ask the "Greeters"! They are helpful and knowledgeable

Hi thanks where do I find the greeters please? X

[Ravenous7]

this sounds unhealthy to me right from the start. i would stop that immediately

[BlessingOfChaos]

I don't think it sounds healthy. I'm also another one that is happy to chat if you feel there could be a benefit for you. (Dom leaning event organiser, been kinky for 6 years, not looking to flirt or recruit you... Just to help) 

[Ho****]

You need to remember your own worth. He should be earning your trust before you give the gift of your submission. The simple fact that you need to ask is a huge red flag that he HASN'T earned your trust, not to mention the other red flags (infractions aren't forgotten even after punishment... Rewards not given when earned). I'm with Jen. I'd cut this loose and encourage you to have longer discussions and build real bonds of trust before going deeper with potential partners.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you so much everyone I know what I need to do xx

[Deleted Member]

Any advice on how to let him know this isn’t for me? Without getting *** back from him xx

[CopperKnob]

40 minutes ago, SubS39 said:

Thank you for all of your replies I will take this on board.  I am blaming myself but the more I read I’m realising I’m maybe being taken for a ride here and being fed a fantasy he can’t commit to 

Don't blame yourself at all. I would suggest that there are many of us likely on both sides of the slash who, when new, found ourselves in a situation that wasn't what it seemed. Reframe it, you now know and from this post, you know that you can ask questions and chat to people who are willing and able to help. Heaps of posts in the New To Kink forum you may find useful to as and when you get chance