You are sub. You want a mommy.. at a regular date

[Sl****]

“Let’s meet! I like to take things slow, I don’t know what I’m looking for at the moment” her message rings no hope for me, who secretly is a little desperate, to find the perfect someone… The same answer ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ is the answer of an unclimbable brick wall. Going in there with very low expectations and an outcome like all the other dates, wasted, barren and ‘just friends’. “Let’s meet in a few days then!” I replied back.

My mind, already knowing I’m going to waste money on another person but I can’t help myself not meet people, the other side of me adores meeting people and all this ‘friend life’ I call it. However this side of me hates every little bit of it… wasting money, time, effort and most of all just disappointing my past self more.

-DAY OF MEET-

We met, she looked like her picture. It was easy I never have nervousness when meeting new people because I’m always expecting them to be friends, I guess if I met someone that I knew fit the things I really wanted I would be so nervous and so scared to say anything wrong. I would just want them to start talking to me in a way that triggers all my tears and take me as fast as they could in all the ways they could… Maybe it’s better I don’t know.

We got on the train and started the day. Conversation was maybe irritating her… I cannot put my finger on it but maybe she didn’t enjoy things I was saying, I finally managed to get her to talk about what she felt passionate about and I fell in a ‘WOAH’ state. Anything she said was really lovely in this tone of voice I heard sometimes in my dreams.

A good few hours pass and I kept wanting to find any reason I could to hold her hand and sometimes hold her arm with one of my hands and shake it full of energy, she was so soft to the touch and maybe she was just tolerating it. She revealed some domme like qualities about her which sound really silly but I found these behaviours in many domme type people such as; smoking, a semi to strict list, wanted to pay for stuff (I did sort of pay for everything but she argued), quite firm in her decisions, kept asking me to reconfirm with myself. The worst part is that… I could never be sure…

Later that evening, she said the day was “Super!” (One of my words) and I couldn’t help but be in denial that she was just trying to be nice. After the train back to the home place… THE discussion took place. Of course I had wanted to get this out of my head the whole time, we had spoken online a lot before but I never mentioned these things because of embarrassment or she might have ran away too quickly.

“So what exactly are you looking for?” She says to me. My head exploded with:
“NOPE IT SOUNDS STUPID TO SAY GET OUT”,
“LEAVE QUIT RAGE QUIT”,
“ITS OVER SHE’S GONNA BE ANOTHER FRIEND LOL”.

I scratched my head and muttered “ummmm, uhhh how do I say this? Umm.. damn”. I couldn’t muster the words..

She did then say she is not going to judge and to just say it (but I have heard that hundreds of times) so I just sucked it up and set my whole body to act like I have lost her. I said as simple as I could “Even though I may be polyamerous, I need need a soft domme caregiver type of dynamic with someone before anything else… that is the number one ☝️ absolute priority and I really will not survive without this if I get into other commitments that will kill me.”

She acknowledged it, talked about me finding my dream person as they all tend to do, changed subject and acted like I never really said anything, “you’re getting home that way right? Send me the pictures it was a great day lovely to see you!”

🥲 I gave up. And one day I’ll give up for good.

[bugglebear]

Hmmmmmmm.................I just joined this site earlier today. Seeing a lot of posts like this with regard to mommy dommes.........which is what I'm looking for.  With what I've been seeing, I'm considering deleting my profile.........