Advice on a new Polly relationship

[er****]

I’m new to open relationships im a straight male with a partner of 5 years and we decided to give this a shot she was able to find a fwb and I feel like im looking in all the wrong places and am looking for advice tinder and other apps seem to only push my profile when I pay for them any advice?

[ey****]

there are conversations good to have before you formally open your relationship up in any way.   Among anything else where to look depends on what boundaries you and her have agreed for what you each can/can't do

make sure you include on any dating apps that you are married, poly, and there with partners consent 

OKCupid is probably one of the more poly-friendly dating sites : it might be worth specifically looking for people who are also poly and also in other relationships

[TheGinge]

Big name apps like tinder push your account the same with or without payment. They are just pushed extra when you pay extra for features like super likes. Paying won’t yield the results most people think they will.

[Itchlarin]

If youre a social person see if you can find people at a social event with similar intrests in hobbies etc as the forums and chats etc are usually free and you get to meet in a safe environment

[Mi****]

Feeld is an dating app geared towards ENM, kinky, and other non-traditional arrangements. You can also set okCupid to show people interested in non-monogamous relationships. Best of luck to you.

[ch****]

She was able to find a fwb because she's a female, and their success rate is far greater than Men on dating apps.

The moment she go onto a social dating app she probably got 1000 matches. Men on the other hand hardly get anything unless you're a Chad.

My suggestion is you meet people at social events.

[Je****]

Im in the same boat. Poly newish... and while my partner has another person.. its nearly impossible for me.
I feel so fussy. Like people dont agree or accept the lifestyle (which is fine as its not for everyone), or it has just fizzled out.
Im on tinder but so far its produced nothing.
Im on here 2yrs and not a second partner as others have failed. Via ghosting, red flags or the chemistry just died off.
But all we can do is keep trying. Just speak to people... if you have a genuine interest and possible compatibility. If it's realistic and sincere then good things may come from it.
I also would agree socialising is great too. Be it bars, clubs, kink events or munches... you just never know.
Part of the fun is trying i guess. It is frustrating but if its meant for you... it wont pass you by

[De****]

I agree with the above re: social events—especially social activities you don’t otherwise share with your primary partner. You get to have fun whether you meet someone or not, and your primary partner won’t feel like you’re excluding them from something you both otherwise enjoy.

[ge****]

It's a common problem amongst swinging couples where they meet separately - the woman gets lot of interest and can generally easily meet, the man struggles - now that's not pretending it is easy for women, as it's not, but simply by the amount of interest they get their chances are increased compared to that of men doing the same thing.
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Another factor other than the sheer weight of numbers is that a lot of women won't meet men who are attached, even with "permission" whereas most men wouldn't give it a second thought if the lady is attached.
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Either way it can all lead to feelings of resentment and worse creeping in if you're not careful so it's important to keep an eye on that and ensure you both keep communicating - many couples have a rule that if ever it becomes something one of them doesn't want that it stops.
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It's not impossible for men to get meets out of sites like this or Fab or any of the others, but it comes down to finding the right approach, having a good profile and pics and the right attitude and expectations - it's not always about sending cold messages to random strangers.

[ey****]

under normal circumstances; I don't typically buy the "men have it harder" thing but when it comes to any form of opening up of relationships - there is stuff a little different here

this said; many men have opened relationships and overestimated their chances of success and then found it difficult to deal with when their partner meets someone.  But, this is also something they would have had to accept would happen if they found someone first.

Dealing with these feelings is probably more important that trying to find another partner at this juncture

[roped_kitten]

Is there a poly meetup near you? I have poly friends who have had similar experiences on the apps - it's just as hard as vanilla dating on them with the extra factor of ENM and peoples' general reception of it. Those friends have met more partners at munches, meetups and dedicated interest groups. I've also seen one or more of them struggle when one is partnered and the other isn't. They did resolve it but I don't know how - I imagine lots of love and talking...

[Deleted Member]

Just remember it's not a competition. It's not a 1 for 1 deal. Take the fun as it comes.

[ch****]

Gosh, some of these lads on here have no idea how lonely Men are

[Deleted Member]

one app i've seen being used for that is Feeld :) i dont know if you have it where you are. it's a bit more kinky but not specific. couples can look for thirds, came across a lot of people in open relationships, people into bdsm, it's a bit of a free for all but might help!

i dont know what would that be for other women but i can offer my perspective as someone who has dated people in open relationships: the better you can show what you're looking for in this new connection, the better. it's a bit of showing that this new connection will be special in its own way.

[hi****]

Edit: sorry ahead of time for the wall of text!

As a partnered poly man, I don't think it's necessarily harder for men to find partners than women. I think the difficulties are definitely different though.

I have 2 partners that I met through tinder and bumble. But the time it took me to find them was years apart and with sometimes MONTHS of not a single match. I think for men, the difficulty is patience and definitely keeping your eye on the prize: a meaningful, fulfilling, and loving relationship (or regular fling if that's what you're looking for). You're going to get ghosted. You're going to scare off people with being poly (be upfront on your profile and mention it early after matching). It happens. Pick up a new hobby in the meantime or revisit an old one.

For women, I think the problem with online dating comes down to too many (mostly awful) options which leads to dating fatigue or overall annoyance. It's not easy having to have the SAME conversations over and over again from guys who are just half-assing it to get laid. Your partner might be having luck meeting a lot of people now or maybe she found one person to see regularly, but just like mono dating, things might not work out and then she's going to be going back to the dating sites and dealing with the BS all over again. It can be exhausting.

I think the big takeaway for you should be: be patient! If you're more comfortable online dating than meeting out in the wild, that's totally fine. Use this time to support your partner and her new relationship and work on yourself (jealousy can creep in every once in awhile, learn to manage it). That way, when you eventually do find a new partner, you can focus on building that instead!

[Po****]

1 hour ago, hiimjaker said:

Edit: sorry ahead of time for the wall of text!

As a partnered poly man, I don't think it's necessarily harder for men to find partners than women. I think the difficulties are definitely different though.

I have 2 partners that I met through tinder and bumble. But the time it took me to find them was years apart and with sometimes MONTHS of not a single match. I think for men, the difficulty is patience and definitely keeping your eye on the prize: a meaningful, fulfilling, and loving relationship (or regular fling if that's what you're looking for). You're going to get ghosted. You're going to scare off people with being poly (be upfront on your profile and mention it early after matching). It happens. Pick up a new hobby in the meantime or revisit an old one.

For women, I think the problem with online dating comes down to too many (mostly awful) options which leads to dating fatigue or overall annoyance. It's not easy having to have the SAME conversations over and over again from guys who are just half-assing it to get laid. Your partner might be having luck meeting a lot of people now or maybe she found one person to see regularly, but just like mono dating, things might not work out and then she's going to be going back to the dating sites and dealing with the BS all over again. It can be exhausting.

I think the big takeaway for you should be: be patient! If you're more comfortable online dating than meeting out in the wild, that's totally fine. Use this time to support your partner and her new relationship and work on yourself (jealousy can creep in every once in awhile, learn to manage it). That way, when you eventually do find a new partner, you can focus on building that instead!

Couldn’t have said it better myself! OP— don’t focus on the quantity. Focus on quality! Be supportive to your partner in this time. As someone who has gone through this being in an open marriage, trust me. You see success while she could be experiencing hurt or fatigue from wasting time with men who are stringing her along. Be patient and work on yourself in the meantime.

[Bi****]

All these gaslighters insisting dating isn't harder for men smh

[ge****]

32 minutes ago, BigRed69420 said:

All these gaslighters insisting dating isn't harder for men smh

Gaslighters? How do you figure that one out - just because people don't reply to you or want to meet you doesn't make them a gaslighter!!
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The reality is it's neither harder nor easier for men or women - just different. As the excellent post from @hiimjakerpointed out, women have to sift through an awful lot of crap to find the right men, whereas for the vast majority of men the sheer weight of numbers of men to women on sites like this will mean they may not meet their expectations immediately and need to have some patience.
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The truth is if you take away the sheer number of men that just don't get it, who have the wrong approach, attitude and expectations the number imbalance virtually disappears and those that remain who do "get" it are mostly happy with their experience.
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Question you have to ask yourself is whether you "get" it or not, and I'd suggest from your post that possibly you don't.

[ch****]

Are some of you guys delusional?

You can be an overweight 300 pound White women on a dating app and still get 1000 matches. You can't be a fat ugly Man on a dating app. Certainly not in real life either. If you are average looking or below, you need to work your a** off for SMV. (Sexual Market Value) job, status, looks, etc

[ge****]

1 hour ago, cheekykhalid said:

Are some of you guys delusional?

You can be an overweight 300 pound White women on a dating app and still get 1000 matches. You can't be a fat ugly Man on a dating app. Certainly not in real life either. If you are average looking or below, you need to work your a** off for SMV. (Sexual Market Value) job, status, looks, etc

Not in the slightest bit delusional - am distinctly average yet am more than happy with my experiences from sites like this over the past 6 years or so and haven't had to "work my a*** off" to do so either - I just figured out the right approach, attitude and expectations coupled it with a well written profile and pics and applied it - it worked for me 👍🏻😊

[Fa****]

I think this question of who has it tougher is irrelevant. The world isn’t fair and if one group was to prove that they had it tougher over the other what is really achieved? The bottom line is that everyone faces their own unique challenges and we will either do what it takes to achieve desired results or we won’t. This strays a bit from the OPs topic so I won’t go any further. But I’ve heard similar debates going back as far as high school dating in the vanilla world too. At the end of the day, what does it matter which group or person or gender has it tougher to find a partner?

[ey****]

I'm not sure why a post on poly has been hijacked by "it's haaaard for men"

the women getting matches are not matching with goldfish.

Equally "a match" is meaningless if it doesn't go somewhere.

But if you make constant misogynistic posts, or are constantly whining about how desperate or lonely you are - it's no wonder you're not getting matches/anywhere.

--

There is a lot I totally sympathise for - loneliness in general, for example. Which is not something exclusive to men.   There are as many single women as there are single men (and again, you could say she could go out and hook up if she wanted, that isn't necessarily a healthy move for coping with loneliness - it just gets one night of potentially bad sex to try to fill a feeling.  But equally, it's not Martians she's hooking up with - it's single men) and that working on mental health is something that is important because being lonely when single can lead to toxic traits when in a relationship (neediness, clinginess, *** of having no one so compromising beyond ideal) 

I also get the idea of "oh, women go for high value guys" but it's always assumed to be 'rich and handsome' but *** doesn't buy commitment and good looking is subjective and doesn't make up for a lack of personality.

There is stuff men can do to increase desirability.  Like, having a hobby or interest and going to places to do it - bam - you've something in common with someone.

--

To try to turn this back to what the thread is actually about.

One of the things you have to accept in poly is that your primary partner may have more dates, etc. than you.  And this is something you have to learn is a scenario that could happen.  It may even be that a relationship on the side breaches out and this has potential to cause jealousy.  This is natural, but also something you will have to work through if you are going to make this work.

The opposite can also be true that sometimes it is you that has all the dates, meetings, etc. and so you have to consider the impact to your partner there, while also not reigning in what you were already doing in agreed boundaries.   No one said this would be easy.

A problem is often that being male and poly means there is this *** that you're approaching women who you know you can never offer a full time mono relationship to - and - despite what people think, most people are still mono.  That even people who may be poly or ENM there can be this feeling that you're approaching someone who will be a second, which may even become a third, or fourth in future.

TBH - the best advice on this thread so far has been....

9 hours ago, hiimjaker said:

I think for men, the difficulty is patience and definitely keeping your eye on the prize: a meaningful, fulfilling, and loving relationship (or regular fling if that's what you're looking for). You're going to get ghosted. You're going to scare off people with being poly (be upfront on your profile and mention it early after matching). It happens. Pick up a new hobby in the meantime or revisit an old one.

I think that men often see poly as being 'easy' that they assume the women in poly lifestyles are all up for not only hook ups (most are not, it's additional relationships) but hook ups with anyone (it's called 'standards') - if you go with the idea that poly is 'easy' or doesn't need to be worked on or is going to be f**king your way through hot 20-something-year-olds you are going to have a much harder time than approaching with a positive attitude.

 

Knowing your worth is important - that is not to overstate it, but also to be a bit "how does being in a relationship with me benefit the other person?" a kinda "how do they fit my wants?"/"how do I fit theirs?"

 

if you are struggling with self-worth and self-esteem you are going to struggle with dating in general and it reduces the risk of negative traits in relationships you do have : work on those first.   

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Bigredhunter00 said:

Just remember it's not a competition. It's not a 1 for 1 deal. Take the fun as it comes.

This for sure. Be happy for your partner finding what she wanted, and just know that you will too.

[le****]

FEELD for poly friendly people AND PURE for easy hookups mate 👍

[Sh****]

You’re jealous and negative. Comparing yourself already to others. This is very unattractive and ethical non-monogamous folk can smell it a mile off.
Put the work in and read the books - you’ve going to have to understand and unpack a lot of masculine traits around ownership and jealously. You’re going to have to learn to communicate better with all your partners. It’s not going to be easy but it can be very rewarding. Good luck and stay positive - it’s the most attractive you can be.