Think I'm about done with kink dating...

[Deleted Member]

I found it mostly to be a massive waste of time, I suppose it's on par with regular online dating but I really have no more energy or time to put into it and I find my other interests more enriching. In my time spent the results were poor, people were flakey, etc. I don't think I ever came across someone who I felt was serious about entering into a relationship or even had it as a life goal(kink involved or not). 

Also getting real tired of people making comments about how if you had this experience you did something morally wrong/rude/ridiculous, that's some strawman bullshit.  

[Deleted Member]

The community has hit rock bottom, and has lost its flair. Kink shaming has taken over from not judging, Respect and politeness are the big absentees. In the reactions that follow, the female half will blame the male half for this, and they themselves wash their hands in innocence.

[ge****]

We each have to do what is best for ourselves and I wish you well - sites like these don't always work as you expect and when they don't your either adjust your expectations or decide they're not for you.
.
They can work, but again it comes down to personal expectations and acceptance of how to make the best of them - that's not suggesting you've done anything wrong, but ultimately it is what it is and you're making the right choice for you, which is all that matters.
.
While there *are* many instances where people don't help themselves through rudeness, ridiculous expectations, entitlement and more, and none of them are 'strawman' either, I've been around sites like this one long enough to see it happen time and again, there are also instances where it's no-ones "fault" it just doesn't work out as hoped.
.
Personally I have no expectations other than enjoying the site for the forums and the people I have got to know along the way, if something develops from that, then great.
.
I do think though that if your only aim from sites like this is to meet others looking for exactly what you are, that, to an extent, you're setting yourself up for disappointment - in the same way as you would be if you did so in life in general.

[ey****]

Sometimes a break can do you good

I am sorry to hear you are struggling, but you have to also do what is best for you.   Taking yourself at least a temporary step away might help your own headspace.

[TheBookCollector]

As others have said you have to do whats best for you.
--
Have you tried attending local munches, events etc and making real life contacts face to face?
--
Online is ok, but you never really know who is on the other side of the screen, as there are a lot of fakes, fantasists and time wasters that litter these sites.

[Ro****]

I feel you brother

[Ha****]

There a slew of Karens in the kink world, wagging their finger at everyone else. I've been very blessed as I've met amazing subs over the years. We built trust through play and they let me run amok all over their bodies and minds.

[ge****]

12 minutes ago, Harmacist said:

There a slew of Karens in the kink world, wagging their finger at everyone else. I've been very blessed as I've met amazing subs over the years. We built trust through play and they let me run amok all over their bodies and minds.

To be fair, and add a little balance, there's good and bad on both sides of all the divides (men/women, dominants/submissives) just as there are in any other section of society and it's important to distinguish that.
.
Just as it's important to distinguish between a "Karen" and someone who's tolerated enough abusive and vile messages and hits back with a wagged finger, or a single guy who despite good intentions and polite and considerate approaches and someone who sends abusive and vile messages and comes with a sense of entitlement.
.
There are a lot of good people out there, men, women, couples, TV/TSs, dominants, submissives, switches and many other flavours and I think sometimes it's too easy to get hung up on the bad elements rather than recognise and celebrate the good.

[La****]

Best of luck to you man
Do whats best for you
Be happy

[so****]

Yes! Dude I feel ya man lol I'm moving more into old-school IRL stuff my damn self. There are some cool people out there, but the unholy amount of bullshit you have to sort through to find them is overwhelming lol

[Glasgowdom1991]

Honestly I am not far behind you the amount of fakes and time wasters is mental getting blocked after weeks or months of convo on this a d other platforms

[Phoenyx]

I will say that the direction of this site has changed considerably, since I came 3 years ago.  Back then, the mood was much lighter, folks expressed themselves more freely, and the theme of "exploration" was more prevalent.

Now, the mood seems more muted, if not darker.  This site has become more of an "Ask Ann Landers" discussion about bad/failed relationships.  The deconstructionists seem to rule the convos.  Most of the truly experienced kinksters have either left, or simply don't post anymore.  I see very little in the way of exploration.  I don't know what happened.  The energy just seemed to die.

[ey****]

as an unpopular opinion on what changed

the app

there's stuff that it has undoubtedly been good for - but it did change an awful lot of the energy

there are some things which were common prior to the app launch - one of the big grumbles from men were that there were a lack of active profiles in their region - this was especially true for anyone outside the UK - and I'm aware of some of the grumbles from women in that era which was similar to now - poor attitudes in being contacted, or being asked to jump through hoops to show they were real.

I think dating-based sites in general always have a high turnover of users which brings it's own constant shifts.   Because for every user there is often an objective and so people leave when either they get that objective (they find a partner) or don't (and so give up)

Another big change is that going back 3-4 years ago there were community managers employed by the site who would often create new threads, discussion and direction as well as contribute to threads and that was something which is sorely missed 

Anyway - the launch of the app has brought a huge amount of traffic and honestly, this is an app which people are getting recommended through algorithms rather than anything else and it's caused a massive influx in users who aren't entirely suitable in my view - which sounds kinda gatekeepery, but we're getting an awful lot of vanilla sex threads and again I know there's women reporting a massive increase in the unsuitable messages they get.  One such idiot copy pasted the sexual explicit message he'd been sending people in copy paste onto the forum and it's removed now - but it's contributed to the atmosphere.

Some of the kinda agony aunt threads I don't mind too much, but a lot, really, someone has signed up and posted a problem and in some cases a brief search would see this - and it's tiring seeing all the comments which basically read "communication is key!" as if that is the universal answer to everything

And like you say - some of the direction nod has started to push away some folk who generally had great things to add to threads, which further steers away.   The site really needs more folk steering, cos it's felt like it has spun off a bit.

[sm****]

I personally stopped treating this as a fet dating site quite  along time ago.  More of a trying to answer decent forum posts and gaining other information and experiences.  The more you look the more you see the bad and it will get to you over time, so i keep things friendly and not so much full on kink related in initial conversations.  I never start out with any expectations, nothing worse than starting a good convo and abruptly it stops for no reason.  Always look at it as their loss.

Over the last few years I have found many to be quite shallow and like most internet based things "it's a throw away and forget society" and quite a large influx of that has harmed peoples outlook to not just here but the scene in general.

What does help is through experience and being more open to a certain extent on things, gained more friendships and met more locals through so called normal vanilla settings, in my real life social life.

Like most things small steps and not jumping in all gins blazing, social groundwork and starting a good friendship base goes a long way.

[Charmedlace]

 

 

Not anyone's fault its Society is the one that is ugly put romance , connection and meeting under the rug. 

Not many are taught that encouraging intellectual , emotional , artistic or spiritual growth is the one thing people need. 

You must love yourself first, then you create a ripple of love that will touch everyone’s lives. You have the power within you. Make a start and heal yourself first.

We also have to stop blaming men and women pointing fingers we are all in this together no matter what ,When  men/women/he/she/they start having honest conversations about who they truly are, what demons they battle with, where they lack, and what they truly want, love will continue to be a temporary emotion. Honesty and Communication are key. Stop being afraid to speak about where you are.

 

 

Men/he/she/they need the support greatly just as others to be Watered to grow, be ***, forgive, let go of the past, bless what is now open your heart but let things flow. Need to rise with the sun to feel 100% you must ground yourself recharge daily take some time for yourself in these hectic  times.  If you over drained , burn out Ok to disappear  for a while until you feel whole again.  Going on a mini vacation for yourself, everyone needs a retreat. When was the last time you befriended a forest? If you want to hear the true voice, listen to the trees. If you want to know your truth, take a walk in the woods. The forest spirit remembers details that humanity has long forgotten. Seek their counsel if you long to recapture your magical origins and discover your most authentic life.Let things be l Let things flow , Enchant your life , Change your thinking, put a bit of gratitude and practice it , Make a routine.  You will meet a few people down your journey. 

 

You want to satisfy first satisfy yourself with your soul and mind then just show up with the satisfaction you really yourself this whole time. Once you discover that you satisfy yourself with the soul of the mind on the soul level you start flowing with the soul level. With the mind and soul on soul level you won't get hurt you won't have to do foolish things to attract someone you will find the right one that gets you on soul level not everyone gets the soul level its rare but everyone has just has to be unleashed and open they just have to get out the old ways.

 

Tell yourself that you are becoming a better version of yourself everyday, and actually feel grateful for it.

 Some just want good company a person to vibe with , converse with laugh with not in a rush. Start off simple , and let the rest find itself. Having someone to talk to and feelings comfortable around them quite beautiful  , and its a good feeling.

Does have to be a Romantic relationship to be romantic just be conversation and laughter. Just genuine Bond

Without attachments , without judgment , no ***d love , without jealousy , enjoy the moments , growing friendship , the company , be each other's peace , things grow and flow , Buddha level. If we let go of the old ways we just accept each other, be a bond, be each other peace see if we click the whole relationship thing comes later.Last thing but genuine friendship, partnership , if we click we vibe.

We all have Issues because we all have a story. And no matter how much work you've done on yourself. We all snap back sometimes. So be easy on yourself. Growth is a dance. Not a light switch.

Stop comparing ourselves to each other and instead, start loving ourselves and supporting each other fully. A Flower Blooms vignette, and then practical tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others.

No Mistake in the tango darling not like life. It's simple. That what makes tango so great if you make mistake . get all the tangled up just tangle on.  Scent of a Woman (1992)

Everything you've ever desired is on the other side of the walls you've build around your heart. 

 

If only we know ourselves well enough, maybe we could spend more time creating than over-thinking and avoid doors that aren’t meant for us.
 

Nobody fall in love with pretty , sexy , or smart. They fall in love with real. imperfect , flaws . authentic human being. Love based something superficial isn't love. It will not be what you want it be a mess  and it will hurt you.

We are all taught to practice self care but the crucial truth is we have got to earn it. Take responsibility for your  habits and work to overcome them. Become someone you can trust in. Depend on and admire. Someone you can feel genuinely. Set the same standards. For your self love as you would for the love of another. backup your words and your promises with positive action.

A Mind so deep full of depth and intelligence with a beautiful soul & Heart.
Great Character , A Smile , Great Conversation , Beautiful Mind , Laughter , Genuine time spent together. I don't need to see your body & Parts I wanna see your mind and soul all the colors of the aura with your heart.

Don't look to the outer circumstances of your life to become more positive. See past the illusion. See through the dark into the light in your heart. Positive starts and ends within, always. It's a matter of seeing the world as a reflection. You are the tuning fork and the world is the sound. Not the other way around. Your vibration creates the world around you.

 

Dance , Sing , read , to each other , breathe together - communicate. Don't count on slex to be the door to intimacy. It's the other way around first to develop intimacy skills . Then make love to enjoy them.

Keep looking not for a person but for your passion, Your Love, Your Courage, Your goals, your Dreams., your happiness, yourself. keep looking. Explore your worth before you explore another. know your worth. Know yourself only then will you know what you need over what you want. You need yourself to become your own.

 

Play this song every day til when you wake up/when your down  keep reminding yourself  daily : Enigma - Return To Innocence

Love Devotion Feeling Emotion Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence The return to innocence And if you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry Be yourself don't hide Just believe in destiny Don't care what people say Just follow your own way Don't give up and use the chance To return to innocence That's not the beginning of the end That's the return to yourself The return to innocence That's return to innocence

 

Edited November 14, 2022 by Charmedlace

[Ae****]

November 6, eyemblacksheep said:

as an unpopular opinion on what changed

the app

there's stuff that it has undoubtedly been good for - but it did change an awful lot of the energy

there are some things which were common prior to the app launch - one of the big grumbles from men were that there were a lack of active profiles in their region - this was especially true for anyone outside the UK - and I'm aware of some of the grumbles from women in that era which was similar to now - poor attitudes in being contacted, or being asked to jump through hoops to show they were real.

I think dating-based sites in general always have a high turnover of users which brings it's own constant shifts.   Because for every user there is often an objective and so people leave when either they get that objective (they find a partner) or don't (and so give up)

Another big change is that going back 3-4 years ago there were community managers employed by the site who would often create new threads, discussion and direction as well as contribute to threads and that was something which is sorely missed 

Anyway - the launch of the app has brought a huge amount of traffic and honestly, this is an app which people are getting recommended through algorithms rather than anything else and it's caused a massive influx in users who aren't entirely suitable in my view - which sounds kinda gatekeepery, but we're getting an awful lot of vanilla sex threads and again I know there's women reporting a massive increase in the unsuitable messages they get.  One such idiot copy pasted the sexual explicit message he'd been sending people in copy paste onto the forum and it's removed now - but it's contributed to the atmosphere.

Some of the kinda agony aunt threads I don't mind too much, but a lot, really, someone has signed up and posted a problem and in some cases a brief search would see this - and it's tiring seeing all the comments which basically read "communication is key!" as if that is the universal answer to everything

And like you say - some of the direction nod has started to push away some folk who generally had great things to add to threads, which further steers away.   The site really needs more folk steering, cos it's felt like it has spun off a bit.

Fascinating insight!

Since this has become a little bit of a venting/sharing page on Fet -

Yeah, this app and the culture here is pretty harsh in some ways and areas. It's not kind or welcoming at this time for certain kinds of people, and many are lost this way - they choose happiness and leave 😂

Go be happy Sigbro 🤝💪❤❤❤

[ThumperG]

On 11/1/2022 at 6:11 AM, Harmacist said:

There a slew of Karens in the kink world, wagging their finger at everyone else. I've been very blessed as I've met amazing subs over the years. We built trust through play and they let me run amok all over their bodies and minds.

Whos Nelly! Let's be fair here it's a lot more 25 to let's say 40 yo's talking about how they think they're experience "Masters" here ok? They haven't even been off THEIR MAMA'S TIT for very long ok? LOL! They've got a lotta talking outta pocket going on & there's a LOTTA Romper Room here. You talk to them and half haven't even been in (in reality) or know who our Old Leather Guard were. Sorry but yo~I've been around SINCE THE 1980's and lived this NOT just for play. BUT actually lived this lifestyle~like a normal human being, everyday in our home... dealing but the neighbors noticing is and all of that on full time scale. This wasn't just play time for me or any of my friends because we've had to move people out & change our homes around cuz state ppl came to investigate because we're such "deviants" honey ok? Things weren't just meeting somebody, banging them and then tossing them to the side. This community has REALLY devolved in the last 20 years for sure, just trust me on that one. THAT was long before the little coy default word of a Karen was ever around. IDK how long you're in, but you're a decade behind me so maybe you don't see it cuz you came halfway into this while it was already in full motion...But JUST trust me, the shift is there ok? Then ppl wonder why they've got so much burnout? WOW. That's all I gotta say on this one...not here to debate anybody cuz there believe me when I say that there is no debate to be had. If you weren't there to judge the comparison then you just really can't say now can you? Peace out. 😉🗽😎

[Deleted Member]

Most of the kinkest I’ve met were from bumble lol - no idea how they new, all the same/similar sexual quirks, and I didn’t mention anything about it in my bio 🤷🏼‍♂️

[FetishArtist]

Dating is overrated.

Seriously, on one side there's putting your best face on to try and make those first impressions and kick start some chemistry. On the other side is the notion of just plop, here I am, warts and all...meh. 

I love coffee. I love lunch. I love having a good dinner with a friend. But I hate this, how do I make a good first impression and be entertaining to someone for one night? It's more awkward than doing a job interview. At least with business I have something to talk about.

Recently the best sex I had was with a volunteer I worked with at DomCon. We sweated, got soaked in the rain, worked hard, flirted, got tired. We built some serious chemistry. It wasn't until three days later that it all clicked and BOOM! I love her very much. I never would have got that kind of result with "dating."

Munches, classes and volunteering for kinky events are ways to see how people are, not just how they present themselves on a date.

[BB****]

sadly ditto

[Brownstix]

Your post feels honest 

[Mystery-91773]

I can't blaim you a bit. Abovd it was said kink har hit rock bottom and it has. In addition to the war on men. It's recently made the news here too how sex is on the decline with all legal ages. BAD times tbs.