Message etiquette

[Bo****]

Tbh man every app sucks. People loose interest fast and ghost instead of letting others know. Seems messages these days come and go so fast, I’ve spoken to about 900 guys in 6 months and nearly all of them were jerks 😂 seems to be a fast world we live in too… coz I wouldn’t of ever met 900 men go back before the internet alone 💀

[Ho****]

I don't feel that your expectations are too high, I feel that people are for some reason just rude and act as though everyone owes them something, it's like their time is much more important than yours or mine. I've deleted lots of conversations due to being ghosted out of nowhere, in the middle of a conversation. I don't know if these people were killed mid sentence or just very disrespectful, I figure the latter, but either way I feel your *** and sympathize with you. Good luck, I hope you find the answers your looking for, for both of our sakes.

[Deleted Member]

They just aren’t that into you 🙃..

[Deleted Member]

I've said before that I don't get that many messages, and few subs are inundated with "interesting" ones. If you're in convo then I agree, leaving lapses without reason is rude and I wouldn't continue interacting

[CopperKnob]

Yes.
Your expectations are to high
Yes.
The reality appears to suggest that you need to alter your expectations
"Within the context of a prospective Dom/sub interaction"
Why? Because all subs are to defer to all Doms meaning that they *have to reply?
There are numerous threads here from a subs perspective which you (and others) may find useful to read

[th****]

Point of clarification- I’m talking with the context of an ongoing conversation, often one started by a sub contacting me rather than demanding a response to an out of the blue message.

[No****]

3 hours ago, Finally_Jen said:

People aren't online 24/7.
They don't owe you anything. Sadly thats just how it is.
If for whatever reason they dont wish to reply and interact more, means theyve lost interest in you usually.
Just move on. Soemthing else will appear

Agree with all except the "if they dont interact more"
I appreciate whatever goes into your head as a human being, but I invested some time some energy something to write to you, the least you can do when you don't want yo have anything to me is just say it and not just ghost or block or anything especially after msgs like "yea that sounds cool lets hang out" or stuff
Makes you thinking like you did something wrong or said something

[QXX666]

2 hours ago, burlington958 said:

Most messages I receive through this app are presumptuous, disrespectful and fail to recognize that I am a whole human first. I don’t know what or who you have been messaging, but I would definitely say that if you are a straight man ISO of a woman to play with or love, maybe start with treating them as equals even when (or perhaps especially) they identify as subs. I ignore 90% of what I see on this app for that reason, or because they clearly haven’t read my profile, or start with honorifics, pet names or sexual asks. 

I think we are the only one who spoted that flaw… he talked to a sub before to a woman… 

[Ch****]

People have lives. They don't come on her daily . Some may come on 1s a week.

 

I get so many messaged demand that I know belong to the them I will do as I am told.

 

I have messages that are x rated

 

I'm in a dynamic I'm not going to reply to things like that.

 

Also just the message that says hi just bugs me.

 

If the messages I get fall in my criteria I will reply if not I don't.

 

People don't even read profiles before messaging me. I always read profiles before messaging anyone 

[ey****]

I know I use this analogy all of the time but, screw it

you get home from work, and there's mail and leaflets and stuff.  And let's say you pick up a pizza menu from the floor.   Do you grab your phone (or, rush to a computer to write a letter) to get in touch with the pizza place to be "Hey, thanks for the menu - but I'm not interested" ?  and the answer is pretty much no, it's a ridiculous notion

But really, someone took the time to come to write out this pizza menu, and come to your door and post it through and you're not even going to say thank you?! So rude!

And people when I say this will think of different reasons why this is different.  But if the pizza store owner actually hand wrote you a special offer, bespoke to you, the chances are you still wouldn't call to say "thanks for the offer but I don't want pizza"

Then it can be a bit "we're all here for the same reason" - which if you believe that, you don't understand online dating.  It's that while there may be some similarities we all have different objectives.

"No, but, these people have profiles and what they're looking for and blah blah so I have a right to message them and expect a reply", OK, well, you have to eat.  I mean eating is more important that dating, you don't eat you literally die, so a pizza place is aware of your need to eat and so hey, they're telling you they're open late and deliver quickly so they maybe should expect you to thank them for offering to save your life?  No?

And, the problem is a little that it gets to a bit of a personal touch, that you see a pizza menu as just junk and you see the person you are messaging as a person and so expect some form of interpersonal response.  Except, the other person just sees you as a pizza menu.

 

 

The other thing of course, people don't all live online.  Some folk do not check every app for new messages every day. Some people miss notifications. If you lack patience, then online dating isn't really for you.   A big problem also with modern communications is people mistake seeing someone "online" as being "available" and the whole kinda "always available" notion we have with more connected apps and devices leads a lot of folk to burnout - so someone just might not have the energy to reply.

The other problem often is there is no perfect out from any conversation.  Simply not responding is one of the easiest outs even if it's not the best for the person who didn't get a response.  But hitting the 'not interested' button a lot guys get angry about and it also shuts down potential future shifts

Someone saying they are not interested in some cases the other person might take that well, but some might use this to try to change someone's mind, someone might use this as a means to lash out and a lot of folk are obsessed with closure so it can go into a "why, what did I do wrong?", "how could I do better?" which is a form of emotional labour

The ultimate problem is still the entitlement - *I* messaged *you* even though you didn't ask me to and so therefore you *should* take time out of your life to reply to *me* - if you don't I will accused you of being rude, fake, whatever.

The big problem of course as well is the people who get frustrated get frustrated because it has happened more than a few times which suggests often they are messaging multiple people in the hope of something happening, rather than taking their time to see who really interests them - and that is kinda why the messages are always just like pizza menus

[MrJim]

This is really bizarre, I had someone message me and we sent like three or four messages back and forth and they just blocked me???!!!??? For no reason I was polite and respectful I don’t get it.

[Du****]

11 minutes ago, MrJim said:

This is really bizarre, I had someone message me and we sent like three or four messages back and forth and they just blocked me???!!!??? For no reason I was polite and respectful I don’t get it.

They had a reason. You don’t know what that reason was, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t have one. It may have had everything or nothing to do with you. Don’t sweat it, it just wasn’t meant to be.

[Deleted Member]

Lol it’s all the women who think they’re hotter than they are with feet pics as their main focal point because they don’t have anything else notable that telling you to lower your standards. 🤦‍♂️. Just keep living man. Don’t lose sleep over it.

[Go****]

Quite simply, unless you know the person you're speaking with extremely well, you just don't know what is going on in their lives at any given moment. People don't spend every moment online, or check in all the time. Most people have lots going on, stresses and strains of life, responsibilities, lives to lead and families to spend time with.

 

There is also the fact that lack of notifications are a thing quite often (as in the app failing to send them) - case in point, I just came online to messages from a friend several hours ago that I was unaware of because of exactly that. 

 

As others have said, you are perfectly entitled to have the boundaries you do, however, nobody owes you anything, sub or not.

[Deleted Member]

Your expectations are too high. People have lives and sometimes lose interest for various reasons. Don’t take it personally and move on.

[Ch****]

Since they updated the website site things have been happening with  private messages.

 

Also you used to get a red dot on your screen that you got a pm if you were chatting in a chat room.

 

1 reason why I stop answering messages happened to me just.

 

Iv been having a lovely chat last few weeks about paper books am audio books. The messages were realy plesant.

 

Then boom. The guy started talking sexual ect.

 

It's clearly states on my profile I'm in a dynamic. Please no sexual content or x rated things including pics.

 

When a person messages me I go incase you not read  my profile.  I'm in a dynamic I'm here only for freinds no x rated or sexual chat or x rated photos please

I'm only here for freinds.

 

Sometimes I get snoty ror nasty replys going well you should not be on here if your not wanting to date or hook up ect and why no sexual content it's a sex dating Web site.

 

When I tell them no it's a kink site . Kink does not mean sex . I always get told I'm wrong and I don't know what I'm talking about.

Iv given up trying to explain to them that kink isn't always sexual. 

 

Some people seem to think as soon as your in a dynamic or got a partner you should no longer be on here.

I ignore them. I want leave as iv made some amazing freinds on here an love chatting to them

[Deleted Member]

Yea they aren’t that interested dude. Take the hint

[an****]

I’m pretty new to dating websites and apps, it sucks when no one messages back or at all even when you try to put something out there to keep conversations going, but if it takes days and still nothing I don’t even fret about it. I simply delete the message thread and keep hoping that someday I’ll find someone who will treat the conversation with some enthusiasm. I’ve been at it for five months and I’ve talked to more people on here than anywhere else. Which isn’t saying much since I’ve talked to two people since I joined a few weeks ago.

[Deleted Member]

I will say currently the app has been very glitchy but if they aren't interested then you should say no to them. The right person will have mutual energy and put in the same effort in. Keep going.

[Wi****]

I think the comment by Burlington958 sums up my experiences here as well. I find it self care to not reply to most messages. And this holds true for vanilla dating apps as well. Come at me all hard and ignorant and I have zero interest. That first message is usually a good indicator. Do you respect others? Do you respect yourself? It’s quite apparent when people do not, and I will not waste any energy on that. I’m not saying that this is your issue, just expressing my feelings in regards to this. Another thing that kills me is.. dude.. you’re on another continent.. or halfway across the country.. that’s not realistic to me and my life. I initially tried communicating with people, even if to tell them I have no interest. What follows is either *** or attempted ***. It’s quite possible you could change my mind, but not by telling me to change my mind. And certainly not by changing your demeanor from oh so sweet to fucking cunt face.. and that will get you absolutely nowhere..

[Ma****]

Let me start with this- I’ve made it completely clear on my profile what my desires are on this site and yet even when I try to nicely say I am not interested in males or certain heterosexual acts (and say this nicely) I am called a dike, a c*** and a man hater not to mention other degrading things. Because of this, I have stopped responding, even if I actually desire to have male friends with the same interests so we can discuss things that we are probably very similar in. Yes, this happens regularly to me and just happened today. Even though I am a strong woman- this still hurts and I do take precaution naturally to not open up regularly. I am sorry that the men who are polite and respectful are reaping the consequences of the ones who are not. My advice, don’t waste your energy and when it’s meant to be and that communication is meant to happen, trust that it will. (Most importantly- your values will attract someone of the same- so don’t settle) Stay hopeful and spread the word to others in helping to create an accepting, respectful environment on this site so us who already don’t fit in other places have THIS site to come to and be accepted for who we are.

[Li****]

Strangers don’t owe each other anything. And for those of you who say it’s an internet problem, you need to realise that you probably don’t start convos with strangers on the street and expect them to “owe it to you” to continue the conversation. They might be sociable and chat for a bit, but they are busy living their lives and you are a small blip on their radar. If you get pushy by expecting things or sending frequent messages, it’s the same thing as following a stranger down the street - creepy. It shows a poor boundaries and interpersonal skills. Just because people carry their phones with them doesn’t mean they have to carry you - the random person they’ve chatted with a couple times - with them. Chatting online is like bumping into someone you’ve seen before at the park when you have time to finally get out and enjoy a walk. Don’t expect miracles from the internet that wouldn’t happen in real life. Connection, especially one that includes a sense of obligation, can take weeks or months in real life, and since there is so much less communication (ie no non-verbal communication) happening online to build rapport, it takes longer on apps than in person, not shorter.

Sure, it’s no fun being the person on the street corner trying to talk to strangers, but that’s not someone else’s fault or responsibility. And sure, we’re all sometimes that person on these apps. And if we talk to a stranger that we’re interested in, we have hope that it will become more. But don’t imagine that your hopes are synonymous with someone else’s obligation.

[Du****]

32 minutes ago, LianneB said:

Strangers don’t owe each other anything. And for those of you who say it’s an internet problem, you need to realise that you probably don’t start convos with strangers on the street and expect them to “owe it to you” to continue the conversation. They might be sociable and chat for a bit, but they are busy living their lives and you are a small blip on their radar. If you get pushy by expecting things or sending frequent messages, it’s the same thing as following a stranger down the street - creepy. It shows a poor boundaries and interpersonal skills. Just because people carry their phones with them doesn’t mean they have to carry you - the random person they’ve chatted with a couple times - with them. Chatting online is like bumping into someone you’ve seen before at the park when you have time to finally get out and enjoy a walk. Don’t expect miracles from the internet that wouldn’t happen in real life. Connection, especially one that includes a sense of obligation, can take weeks or months in real life, and since there is so much less communication (ie no non-verbal communication) happening online to build rapport, it takes longer on apps than in person, not shorter.

Sure, it’s no fun being the person on the street corner trying to talk to strangers, but that’s not someone else’s fault or responsibility. And sure, we’re all sometimes that person on these apps. And if we talk to a stranger that we’re interested in, we have hope that it will become more. But don’t imagine that your hopes are synonymous with someone else’s obligation.

A man literally followed me down the street recently. He waited until we were out of sight and then asked me a string of questions, each creepier and more personal than the last. I told him I wouldn’t be answering any of them and I walked away - but my day out was over from that point on, and I locked myself in my car and drove home.
I don’t want it in real life and I don’t want it in my DMs either.

[Ch****]

A submissive owes you nothing unless you have a dynamic in place, this includes replying to messages.

As for me personally, I am aware that I can be intense when texting, and try to not over communicate.

We are both straight white men who have the entire world designed for our benefit. It is important to remember that women have struggles we will never see or experience. This is why I accept ghosting even though it hurts and is unpleasant. The woman is protecting herself from a potential attack I will never experience.

[Ch****]

1 hour ago, DuchessFeuille said:

A man literally followed me down the street recently. He waited until we were out of sight and then asked me a string of questions, each creepier and more personal than the last. I told him I wouldn’t be answering any of them and I walked away - but my day out was over from that point on, and I locked myself in my car and drove home.
I don’t want it in real life and I don’t want it in my DMs either.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

If you ever wish to talk about it or anything else feel free to mesage me.