Message etiquette

[ge****]

12 hours ago, thegentlemandom said:

Point of clarification- I’m talking with the context of an ongoing conversation, often one started by a sub contacting me rather than demanding a response to an out of the blue message.

Whilst that additional context is pertinent it still doesn't necessarily change anything - especially in an on-line message context where there is no commitment as such in place - people have lives, and other things going on which you may not know about, so expecting them to respond immediately or within a set timeframe is expecting way too much.

[Ma****]

Personally, as an extrovert and in general a polite person, I'll be the first to message someone. Usually in the form of a friendly "Hello, I'm X, and thanks for stopping by." It opens the door to conversation, taking some pressure off for someone who might be interested, but doesn't require a response in and of itself. Those that are interested enough usually respond and those that are really interested continue the conversation. In a sense, it removes the butthurt of being ghosted and replaces it with a filter of sorts, weeding out those who arent.

[ru****]

Your expectations are absolutely too high. No one owes you an instant response unless they're in a consensual dynamic with you and consent to that. But even then it's a bit much to expect always.

[Pe****]

I will say, having expectations is the issue here. If you go in without expectations-knowing how these sites are and other dating sites, it’s a pretty common occurrence. Yes, it is easy to send a message but most times if you don’t click well then the easiest part of online is fading out. Easy as that. I’ve had it happen to me and I’ve also done this to others. Does it happen every time? No, I do make it a point to tell people, “hey, I don’t think it’s going to work out so take care.” But some people react negatively. That leads to tremendous anxiety and situations I don’t want to deal with. I don’t know if this helps but anyway, try not going in with expectations. It makes a difference. Of course, have standards like respect and whatnot but that’s about it. Good luck!

[Chloebear]

If you don’t reply to someone they then can’t write to you for 3 months or something. Not replying is a way of ensuring that person doesn’t contact you again in an immediate timeframe. Whilst some might take ‘no thank you’ as enough, too many don’t, so it’s easier not to reply at all.

[Ch****]

I can see both points of view here. Yes it is frustrating when you get no reply if you have put a well thought out message to soneone, and yes it does make you feel like not bothering anymore. But you are not owed a message from anyone. Yes manners could be better from everyone one here. We are all guilty of this. But on the other hand some people think that they can message some terrible chat up lines, or be offensive even. Most people wont respond to a hi or hey as a message. Also there are too many on here who think this is a hookup place, and have nothing to do with any fetish or kink but think they have something to offer you in yours. The best thing to do is read the profile and if they have any matching kinks its worth a message, but if not its not worth trying. Nothing is definite here. Ive binned many messages and many of mine have been binned too. You need a thick skin in this place or it will wreck you

[Wi****]

I keep finding myself relating to other women’s comments to the point where I feel like I wrote it myself. There is a glaringly bright burning theme here.

[4R****]

Interesting comments from both sides of the fence here and I may be perceived by some as having ignored messages. But the reality as actually that I never deliberately ignore a message.

I have my phone on me all the time, at home, at work, and when I'm out and about. When a message comes in my phone pings and I will read it. But I'm not always in a position to respond straight away - I might be in a meeting, shopping, out with friends or whatever. The intention is to reply later. But life is busy, distractions happen and things get forgotten.

Messages get buried beneath the plethora of other messages that have come in and inadvertently the reply doesn't happen until I spot the message maybe some days later (if I spot it at all). There's no intention to not reply, no ignoring people and no avoiding. It's just a case of living a very busy life and simply not having the time to respond. 

And I'm sure I'm not the only person that the above applies to. 

[Leisa]

I can completely understand where you’re coming from and yes, it is disheartening to say the least. I’ve put up enough filters that I’m no longer inundated with bunches of incoming messages and those that I do get I try to respond to, even if it’s a polite “no thanks”. The problem I’ve had is that instead of accepting the response I get nastiness returned to the point that I’ve at times not responded if I look at a profile and there’s no interest. Having been on the site a few years now I can understand where it’s a problem from both sides of the spectrum but like any site, you take the good with the bad. It sucks when you reach out and get no response. It’s the equivalent of a swipe left. Chin up. There’s someone out there for everyone.

[Deleted Member]

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

[4R****]

11 minutes ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

Might want to watch who you're calling "abnormal" there. Some might take offence.

[CopperKnob]

17 minutes ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

What is 'normal' behaviour. I mean, we're on a kink site where the majority, arguably, are engaging in or are considering engaging in behaviour which others may see as being 'deviant'
A bit of an oxymoron isn't it

[Ceejayuk]

31 minutes ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

Perhaps that is simply your experience and could depend on a few factors. I would totally disagree with your statement, again though that is due to my experience.

[ge****]

44 minutes ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

The "socially abnormal"?! Sweeping statements aside, that's pretty downright derogatory and highlights perfectly a total lack of understanding, not only of how sites like this work, but of some of the things many women (and some men) face on sites like this - not just occasionally but on a regular basis.
.
People (notice I avoided the words decent and normal there as they're unnecessary) reply to people when they want to and feel comfortable to do so, based on many factors including message content, profile text, forum interactions, distance, age and much much more - it's not for you or any other message sender to dictate to them whether they should reply, or have any expectations that they should - they didn't ask you specifically to message them, so the choice to reply and engage or not is theirs alone - and there are many valid reasons (many of them highlighted in this thread and others like it) that they may choose not to, even to send a simple "not interested" - it doesn't make them rude, or ignorant, or abnormal, or uncivil or anything else, it just means they've chosen not to, and aren't for you, plain and simple.
.
As for "foreigners" - the 70s called and want their terminology back!!

[Ar****]

57 minutes ago, Alex10473 said:

Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people.

You sir, have been knocking around with the wrong kinksters. Most of the authentic ones tend to be very much "decent" folk. If they weren't, we wouldn't be able to have the community we do with all its principles of ethics and such - standards for dynamics and relationships which "kink people" tend to be far stronger proponents of than vanilla ones.

[yo****]

Your expectations are too high, no one owes you a reply unless they are in a consensual relationship with you. I genuinely get inundated on here at times, and I try to reply to everyone, but I have an extremely busy life outside of this app, and I have much higher priorities than replying to every single man that messages me on here! Especially when 80% of the messages are disrespectful 😤 I am not being rude or ignorant, I don't mean any harm, but I simply don't have the time to reply to an average of 50 messages a day!

[ne****]

1 hour ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

Lol food thing u stopped. We might both get banned. From what iv seen it 97 percent attention seeking or paid service

[Chloebear]

1 hour ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

Honestly, the majority of true kinksters are better at ettiquette. Spend ten minutes on a mainstream dating site as a woman and you will see the difference. Sounds to me like you’re justifying a lack of responses you’re getting… but the issue just isn’t the community. It’s entitlement. Writing to someone doesn’t mean you’re owed a response, and if your attitude is as stated here can you really expect people to reply? People can sense disrespect and disdain.

[Re****]

I want to agree, and be sympathetic, but you have not provided enough context.

[Du****]

8 hours ago, Alex10473 said:

Your expectations are way way too high. Decent normal people would reply. But that’s not the majority of kink people. The app is full of the socially abnormal. I’d say maybe 1% on here behave normally. Likely less than that. Do you check each persons stats for replying to messages?

Usually foreigners are more normal than uk users. The women there are . . . I better stop there.

“‘Ello gorgeous sub, are you looking for a fetish experience or what? Pay your tributes to . . . . and lick my wallet.”
.
Maybe don’t slide into our DMs with a message like that. Just a suggestion.

[Se****]

It’s probably already been said but just in case; content is key! Write something dull, boring and predictable that is going to send the recipient to sleep is hardly going to illicit a favourable response. However, send a message that is fun, charming, relatable and most of all, compelling and you are almost guaranteed a reply. Maybe look for ways of improving inwardly rather than projecting the problem outwards 😊

[He****]

This is far out of touch with reality and I doubt a practice you personally adhere to in real life or online. You are a stranger. This is a chat room.

If I'm going to provide my undivided attention to someone it's going to be someone I know well and engage with in person, like my Mom. Even if this WERE real life, half the conversation starter I've recieved would justify telling the person off. Be thankful you just get ingored. Be polite and relatable and remember there's over 7 billion people in the world and few people would justify talking to EVERY person who addresses them. You aren't owed.

Past that, expect I'll easily pick up on a conversation 24 hours to 3 years later regardless of how engaging you are. One of my best online friends of a decade has gone two years before responding to me and visa versa. Other times we chat for weeks on end or game together.

[Nahian-5942]

@heavenlysin I think he meant with people he was talking to for some time now. Also, if it's been 3 years it's not happening most likely. We're also nit assuming he's been sending terrible intros either. That's not exactly respectful.

[Vi****]

On 12/9/2022 at 11:21 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I know I use this analogy all of the time but, screw it

you get home from work, and there's mail and leaflets and stuff.  And let's say you pick up a pizza menu from the floor.   Do you grab your phone (or, rush to a computer to write a letter) to get in touch with the pizza place to be "Hey, thanks for the menu - but I'm not interested" ?  and the answer is pretty much no, it's a ridiculous notion

But really, someone took the time to come to write out this pizza menu, and come to your door and post it through and you're not even going to say thank you?! So rude!

And people when I say this will think of different reasons why this is different.  But if the pizza store owner actually hand wrote you a special offer, bespoke to you, the chances are you still wouldn't call to say "thanks for the offer but I don't want pizza"

Then it can be a bit "we're all here for the same reason" - which if you believe that, you don't understand online dating.  It's that while there may be some similarities we all have different objectives.

"No, but, these people have profiles and what they're looking for and blah blah so I have a right to message them and expect a reply", OK, well, you have to eat.  I mean eating is more important that dating, you don't eat you literally die, so a pizza place is aware of your need to eat and so hey, they're telling you they're open late and deliver quickly so they maybe should expect you to thank them for offering to save your life?  No?

And, the problem is a little that it gets to a bit of a personal touch, that you see a pizza menu as just junk and you see the person you are messaging as a person and so expect some form of interpersonal response.  Except, the other person just sees you as a pizza menu.

 

 

The other thing of course, people don't all live online.  Some folk do not check every app for new messages every day. Some people miss notifications. If you lack patience, then online dating isn't really for you.   A big problem also with modern communications is people mistake seeing someone "online" as being "available" and the whole kinda "always available" notion we have with more connected apps and devices leads a lot of folk to burnout - so someone just might not have the energy to reply.

The other problem often is there is no perfect out from any conversation.  Simply not responding is one of the easiest outs even if it's not the best for the person who didn't get a response.  But hitting the 'not interested' button a lot guys get angry about and it also shuts down potential future shifts

Someone saying they are not interested in some cases the other person might take that well, but some might use this to try to change someone's mind, someone might use this as a means to lash out and a lot of folk are obsessed with closure so it can go into a "why, what did I do wrong?", "how could I do better?" which is a form of emotional labour

The ultimate problem is still the entitlement - *I* messaged *you* even though you didn't ask me to and so therefore you *should* take time out of your life to reply to *me* - if you don't I will accused you of being rude, fake, whatever.

The big problem of course as well is the people who get frustrated get frustrated because it has happened more than a few times which suggests often they are messaging multiple people in the hope of something happening, rather than taking their time to see who really interests them - and that is kinda why the messages are always just like pizza menus

Love this, agree 100% with your analogy. 

[Fa****]

On 12/9/2022 at 10:23 PM, thegentlemandom said:

Point of clarification- I’m talking with the context of an ongoing conversation, often one started by a sub contacting me rather than demanding a response to an out of the blue message.

But yet even when you contact a “sub” you hit the “ignore” button when you’re questioned. 

TBH I’m not sure why you’re asking this question/started this thread when you yourself don’t live up to your “high expectations”. Yes perhaps your responses were within your time frame but not responding by using ignore is (by your own standards, not mine) rude. 

I genuinely would have tried to help you work out what, if anything, the issue was with lack of replies. 

C’est la vie.