Too choosy?

[Deleted Member]

That’s the way to do it.

[Deleted Member]

On 12/21/2022 at 1:22 AM, ShyAsh said:

I feel this. I used to try and be polite and respond to everyone, even if to just acknowledge their message and let them know I wasn’t interested. I was never rude about it. 99.9% of the time it led to either abusive or coercive responses. I now just see it as a form of self care to not put myself in that position.

Totally agree.  Today Ive had 5 guys tell me I'm rude/mean/ignorant and just plain wrong.... All because I either didn't reply or politely said I wasn't interested.   I mean when they go to a restaurant and choose one dish over another, do they expect the waiter to tell them they made the wrong choice?? If course not, it's THEIR choice want they want to eat depending on their likes or dislikes or even their mood that day..   same goes for who we engage with on here.  People who can't handle a polite no thanks are just snowflakes.... In fact I am tempted to just send a photo of a snowflake to the next person who sends abusive nonsense to me...lol!! 

[RA****]

I think if it’s mostly men complaining it’s because they get rejected so often it’s starts to seem hopeless so they lash out …..Sad part is most men really don’t get attention but the few of us who do get the attention we get it from everywhere I currently have 4 girls who all know about each other but won’t stop seeing me it’s weird but I feel bad for the men who can’t get any …….LIFE IS GOOD OVER HERE THO MAYBE COME TO PHOENIX

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s completely fair to express your interests like that.

[Na****]

Often what I tell myself… 🙄

[Deleted Member]

Don’t respond. They’ve most likely messaged several folks in the same timeframe as you recieved the message- they are fishing for responses. No response, they’ll forget they messaged you. They’re men.

[Deleted Member]

From personal experience. They are probably lashing out because of being rejected over and over without being given a chance. Obviously, it's not a good reaction to give, but being in the same position as them, I at least understand it

[ge****]

2 hours ago, Kaden22 said:

From personal experience. They are probably lashing out because of being rejected over and over without being given a chance. Obviously, it's not a good reaction to give, but being in the same position as them, I at least understand it

Yeah but as you say, lashing out is not a good reaction to rejection - so the only thing to understand is that anyone that does, doesn't understand how sites like this work, and has a sense of entitlement and incorrectly set expectations.
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It's also not about being "given a chance" - if someone isn't attracted to you based on your profile, pics and message, why should they give you a chance?

[Se****]

38 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Yeah but as you say, lashing out is not a good reaction to rejection - so the only thing to understand is that anyone that does, doesn't understand how sites like this work, and has a sense of entitlement and incorrectly set expectations.
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It's also not about being "given a chance" - if someone isn't attracted to you based on your profile, pics and message, why should they give you a chance?

Nail on the head! As ex-law en***ment, disappointed to report that the sense of entitlement is pervasive across every walk of life. Plus in intimate relationships it also hints to a deep seated misogyny often seen in abusive relationships! As, has been said before, this behaviour should ring alarm bells!

[Erebus]

Saturday at 04:31 AM, baawdyworship11_11 said:

Don’t respond. They’ve most likely messaged several folks in the same timeframe as you recieved the message- they are fishing for responses. No response, they’ll forget they messaged you. They’re men.

First off I’m someone who has a positive opinion of all people until proven otherwise, I give all people the benefit of doubt, meaning I treat everyone equally until they prove themselves to be an indefensible idiot! Secondly I have never done what you’ve suggested in your post I read profiles and only make contact with someone if I find a genuine interest in with that person and what they are looking for and even though I’m single I don’t feel the need to spend hours endlessly searching websites to find my next partner/dynamic I prefer to take my time to find a genuine person that has the qualities I’m looking for and equally that they are wanting in a Dom.

What I find both disturbing and a relief is this… One you ***t all men with the same brush yes there are some real scumbags on this site and I have spent countless hours trying to get the site owners to act responsibly to no avail but to give such a scathing generalisation of all men in the way you did beggars belief. Two because you hold such a bigoted view I’m really very grateful that hopefully with any reasonable luck our paths will never cross again due to your location!

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Yeah but as you say, lashing out is not a good reaction to rejection - so the only thing to understand is that anyone that does, doesn't understand how sites like this work, and has a sense of entitlement and incorrectly set expectations.
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It's also not about being "given a chance" - if someone isn't attracted to you based on your profile, pics and message, why should they give you a chance?

Nobody is entitled to anything. But it just gets tiring, never getting any messages or responses to messages. I don't think it's all entitlement, more expecting people on a social app to want to chat

[Se****]

44 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

Nobody is entitled to anything. But it just gets tiring, never getting any messages or responses to messages. I don't think it's all entitlement, more expecting people on a social app to want to chat

I think since other people are getting messages and replies, and generally having a good level of social interaction, it might be time to upgrade your profile and messaging content 👍

[ge****]

48 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

Nobody is entitled to anything. But it just gets tiring, never getting any messages or responses to messages. I don't think it's all entitlement, more expecting people on a social app to want to chat

It's only tiring if those not receiving replies make it tiring - and they usually do so by making meeting and swapping messages their primary focus coupled with incorrectly set expectations.
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Yes it's a social app, but that doesn't automatically mean individual people will want to be social with just anyone - people don't go on Facebook expecting to be chatting with other people they don't know - so not sure why here or sites like it would be any different.
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If people just accepted they won't be to everyone's taste, and learned to understand how sites like this work, not only would they be a lot happier, but so would those on the receiving end of some of the messages that are sent.

[CopperKnob]

54 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

Nobody is entitled to anything. But it just gets tiring, never getting any messages or responses to messages. I don't think it's all entitlement, more expecting people on a social app to want to chat

Entitlement is believing your expectations will be met when and how you want them, or that others should conform to your needs.

[Pl****]

1 hour ago, Kaden22 said:

Nobody is entitled to anything. But it just gets tiring, never getting any messages or responses to messages. I don't think it's all entitlement, more expecting people on a social app to want to chat

There's a vast difference between expecting people to want to chat, and expecting they'll want to chat with you specifically. A lot of guys don't understand the disparity of attention that women can get. I know a girl on that got over 200 messages in an hour, and a full 1600 in a day. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't respond to that many people every day. If you're a guy trying to play this game, you can either find a way to stand out (most people aren't so good at this), you can message women that probably aren't getting as many messages, or you can try meeting people in person. I tend to recommend the latter. I've noticed a lot of guys have issues meeting people in person, and they think being online mitigates some of that, but most of the time, if they're not good at meeting people in person, they're probably not going to do so well online either. I've also noticed that people that try to meet people in person tend to show some improvement at it, whereas a lot of the virtual-only guys seem to get stuck. 

So have a little understanding and empathy for the situation, and maybe you'll feel less tired/frustrated.

[ey****]

to tie some bits together

the whole entitlement v expectancy : expectancy is often a sense of entitlement.

Because the expectancy is in a control of someone else's behaviour.  

What is often horrible, but too often true, the single constant in all your failures is yourself.  And if that is that you are sending a lot of messages and getting no replies then the fault lies in either the quality of your messages or you not being choosy enough in who you message.

And this isn't something to feel bad about yourself over; but to take this in learning.  Because repeating the same steps and expecting different results seldom works well

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

It's only tiring if those not receiving replies make it tiring - and they usually do so by making meeting and swapping messages their primary focus coupled with incorrectly set expectations.
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Yes it's a social app, but that doesn't automatically mean individual people will want to be social with just anyone - people don't go on Facebook expecting to be chatting with other people they don't know - so not sure why here or sites like it would be any different.
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If people just accepted they won't be to everyone's taste, and learned to understand how sites like this work, not only would they be a lot happier, but so would those on the receiving end of some of the messages that are sent.

I mean, this site is literally about meeting like-minded people

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, SensuousDom said:

I think since other people are getting messages and replies, and generally having a good level of social interaction, it might be time to upgrade your profile and messaging content 👍

Like how? Cause I've previously asked and completely changed my, well everything. Other people get messages because they are lucky enough to be attractive

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

I mean, this site is literally about meeting like-minded people

like-minded people is a meaningless phrase.   we're talking about people, not the borg

[ge****]

51 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

I mean, this site is literally about meeting like-minded people

No it's not - it's a community for people into kinks of all shapes and sizes, and the individuals choose how they use the site, not the other way round.
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Yes, it has tools to allow people to connect with, and meet, others, but just because those tools are there doesn't mean meeting is the primary purpose for being here.
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So the site is not "literally" about anything specific beyond being a place for those with kinks to gather.
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Either way if you want to make it "tiring" then it will be "tiring" - if you choose to accept that the overwhelming majority of users will have zero interest in meeting you, in the same way as I accept the same thing, as do countless others, then you'll not see it as "tiring".
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Either way the choice is yours as to how you choose to experience the site - but I think that was made very clear on your thread a while back, in which you argued with every point made by people with more experience that tried to help you, perhaps re-visit that thread and see what you have learned or not since.
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It also has nothing to do with the mythical "being attractive" - attraction is a subjective thing, and one person's attractive will be another's unattractive - it is however all to do with approach, attitude, expectations and things like profile and pics.
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Your profile reads a lot better now than it did with your last thread but what you have to remember is that still doesn't guarantee a thing, if someone isn't interested in you, they're not interested - the key is finding those that are.

[Deleted Member]

My bad, I shouldn't have used that wording. Clearly, you aren't smart enough to understand my meaning

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, Kaden22 said:

Like how? Cause I've previously asked and completely changed my, well everything. Other people get messages because they are lucky enough to be attractive

Everybody has their own view of what’s attractive, not everyone goes for model type looks. Dating within BDSM is quite different to ‘normal’ dating. Attraction comes in many different forms…similar kinks/fetishes, ideal roles, experience/non-experience, age, wants/desires, shapes & sizes but also finding people who live within a radius.
It isn’t like going online & just picking folk up or going to a bar it’s very very different. 
It’s a large community, but it also takes a lot of time to find the people who are right for us.
So if people aren’t replying to your messages, it’s not because they don’t find you attractive it’s simply because you don’t fit into what they’re looking for. If people are getting messages, it’s not because they’re lucky it’s possibly because, more often than not, experience has put them one step ahead of you but over time, you will be that person who gets the messages but until then, it’s alllllll about patience!

[ey****]

36 minutes ago, Kaden22 said:

My bad, I shouldn't have used that wording. Clearly, you aren't smart enough to understand my meaning

I mean, let's be honest

You started by saying it's ok for guys to lash out when they don't get their own way and you've got progressively worse since then.

You've blamed everyone but yourself for you lack of "luck" and dismissed the advice of those who do get matches as conversation as being down to being good looking; which is a common sexist trope (implying women are shallow) and now you're calling others stupid.

I think some self reflection is in order.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, gemini_man said:

No it's not - it's a community for people into kinks of all shapes and sizes, and the individuals choose how they use the site, not the other way round.
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Yes, it has tools to allow people to connect with, and meet, others, but just because those tools are there doesn't mean meeting is the primary purpose for being here.
.
So the site is not "literally" about anything specific beyond being a place for those with kinks to gather.
.
Either way if you want to make it "tiring" then it will be "tiring" - if you choose to accept that the overwhelming majority of users will have zero interest in meeting you, in the same way as I accept the same thing, as do countless others, then you'll not see it as "tiring".
.
Either way the choice is yours as to how you choose to experience the site - but I think that was made very clear on your thread a while back, in which you argued with every point made by people with more experience that tried to help you, perhaps re-visit that thread and see what you have learned or not since.
.
It also has nothing to do with the mythical "being attractive" - attraction is a subjective thing, and one person's attractive will be another's unattractive - it is however all to do with approach, attitude, expectations and things like profile and pics.
.
Your profile reads a lot better now than it did with your last thread but what you have to remember is that still doesn't guarantee a thing, if someone isn't interested in you, they're not interested - the key is finding those that are.

The problem is that nobody is interested in me, nor will ever be. I hate this stupid app, and all the a**holes on it

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Kaden22 said:

My bad, I shouldn't have used that wording. Clearly, you aren't smart enough to understand my meaning

Excuse me? Am I the one bemoaning my lack of "chances" on sites like this? Am I the one that doesn't receive messages? Let's just stop and think about that "smart" comment for a moment shall we?
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And while we're there how about you re-phrase your comment to what you truly meant because I think I understood it clearly enough from how you originally had it.